Bok Bok
TF@ x fem!reader
warnings: none
The only female merc dealing with some stuff that comes along with that fact. I was inspired as my S/O tried to mansplain the innerworkings of my reproductive system to me last night.
A/N: I took a some liberties with the Administrator’s lines - I know she starts announcing the mission starts at 60 seconds. Also, the last phrase of the text is russian - feel free to google it. Also also, I tried not to ‘over-accent’ Spy and Medic.
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You’re sitting in the resupply room, eyes shut, head back against the wall.
Mission begins in 10 minutes
You sigh deeply. You were so drained. You had been dragging ass all morning.
“CADET! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPWALKING ALL MORNING! YOU WON’T LET US DOWN TODAY, WILL YOU?!?” Even Soldier’s yelling couldn’t rouse you from your fog.
“No Solly, I’ll be fine, I swear.” you promise, eyes still closed.
“You okay, sugar?” You look up to find a concerned Engineer peering down at you. He held out a hand to help you up off the bench.
“Thank you. Ya, I’m fine, just feeling like I’m running on fumes.”
You get up and take your place amongst your team mates. Trying to focus, you run a check of your weapons and gear. Meanwhile, Medic regards you with an evaluating stare, looking you up and down.
“Vell, your last check up came back clean. All your blood verk came back fine too. Are you taking your vitamins?”
“Yes, Medic.”
He fixes you with a scrutinizing look over his glasses. “Enough sleep?”
Your head falls back as you sigh again despite yourself, eyes falling closed. “Yessir.”
“Ah. You must be ovulating zen.”
Your eyes flew open.
“What the fuck, Meds!!?!?” You whisper-scream, head snapping around to stare daggers at the Medic.
“Uhhh, what’s oval-atin’?” Asks Scout.
The German continued, ignoring the younger merc , “It’s been about 13 days since your last menses, ja?” he asks, unphased by your murderous stare.
“What’s this now?” Demoman asks, now including himself in the conversation.
Medic, beaming, obviously proud of himself replies “Oh, ever since I found out our new teammate vas going to be a woman, I’ve revisited all my knowledge on za female system und its intricacies.”
“Shut up, Medic” you hissed through clenched teeth.
“Ovulation? Like makin’ an egg??” asked Sniper, incredulous.
OMG you could just die right now.
“Hudda Huddah Huddah?”
Engineer spoke over his shoulder to the firebug, “No, Pyro, I don’t think so.”
You’re sorry before you even ask. “What did he say, Engie?”
“Uh…”
Your gaze pins the Texan to the spot even though he’s avoiding it. “Engie.”
“He asked if you were like the Easter Bunny.”
“Jeeeeezus.” You drag a hand down your face, exasperated.
“Nein! Every month a woman produces an egg und..”
“YOU MAKE A FRICKIN EGG?!?”
The teammates take a collective step back that would have been comedic if you weren’t so mortified. They regard you with a look that both speaks of horror, curiosity and just a touch of awe.
Mission begins in 5 minutes
“Can we not talk about zis now?” asked Spy
“Or EVER?!” I agreed.
“But it is a beautiful thing! Za power to create life!” Medic protested
You roll your eyes so hard you swear you can see your brain.
“Medic, if you don’t shut up right now, I will exercise my power to take a life!!”
The rest of the team quickly turns away, resuming their positions to enter the battlefield, though with a healthy distance away from you. Heavy, who is standing next to you, leans in your direction and whispers, “Heavy has three sisters. I understand.”
You side-eye him with an apprehensive sense of relief. “Erm..thanks?”
“Stick with me during battle. I will have your back…” a small smirk pulls at his mouth, “маленькая курица.”
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маленькая курица - “little chicken”, Russian
