#frork

How much does it cost to get rid of a couple of opossums in your back yard?  Well, in the case of one Lancaster, Pennsylvania man, about $50,000.

The man was upset by an opossum or two in his backyard, and also claimed to have been having trouble with bees whenever he stepped out, so he got the not-so-brilliant idea to scare both opossum and bees with a little bit of smoke.  The man, who remains unnamed, built a fire using dried leaves and charcoal starter fluid and … turns out he built the fire close to the house, which was made of wood, and … well, the rest is history.  The house has since been condemned, the fire ruled accidental, and the man … no word … I think he is still hiding from the landlord, or perhaps has moved to Tampico to escape the shame.

There is one final comment I could make on this, but since it is ‘No-Politics’ Monday, I shall behave.

Think about this one for a minute.  You are a woman who has worked hard selling household electronics to save enough money for a long-desired trip to Panama.  You have saved between $7,000 and $9,000, surely enough for your dream trip, and you are so excited.  Until … your husband comes along and demands his share of the loot.  Now, I don’t know whether hubby helped her earn the money, or if he was just assuming community property laws, but he demanded a cut.  So, what does wifey do?  She eats the money, of course!  Yes, yes … you read that right … she swallowed between 70 and 90 $100 bills, then complained of severe stomach pain (may I say, ‘duh’) and had to be rushed into surgery.

Surgeons were able to rescue 57 of the bills in redeemable condition, the rest were … well, I shall leave that to your imagination.  Her reason?  She wanted to get revenge on her husband.  Oh yes, I’m sure he is devastated!  Police are holding on the the $5,700 until they can verify that the woman was not attempting to smuggle the cash. This, folks, is one of those cases where the woman had more money than brains!

Thirty-four members of a drug gang were arrested last week in Sardinia and Northern Italy.  The raid involved hundreds of officers (not too efficient … hundreds of officers to arrest 34 people?).  But it wasn’t a drug bust … it was a … body bust?  The gang had been planning for a year-and-a-half to rob the grave of famed automaker Enzo Ferrari and hold it for ransom!  Ferrari died in 1988 and was buried in a tomb alongside his father in Modena, in central Italy.  The tomb even has a model Ferrari perched on top!

In addition to the 34 arrests, at least 11 other people are under further investigation after officers also seized an unspecified but large amount of cocaine and arms.  The ringleader, Graziano Mesina, has been in prison since December on other charges.  It was during the latest investigation of Graziano, the one that landed him in the slammer, that the police got wind of the plot to steal Ferrari’s body and demand ransom from the Ferrari family.  Good police work, but wouldn’t you think that with over a year to plan, the crooks could have done a better job if it?  Dumb and dumber.

In the beginning of time, people had hands with which to eat.  Then in parts of Asia, chopsticks were invented.  Eventually, forks, spoons and knives came into being in countries where people could not get the knack of using chopsticks.  Actually, forks are the more recent, dating only back to the late 16th, early 17th century.  Spoons, however, may date back to 1000 b.c.e.  Then, some wiseacre decided to combine the spoon and the fork and call it a ‘spork’.  Sheesh.

But now … a spoon, fork, knive, chopsticks and spork weren’t enough for they of the golden arches … nooooooo … they had to devise yet one more eating utensil … a ‘frork’.  grumble … grumble … grouse … grumble …

The red silicone utensil has three holes into which one can insert real french fries, so that the fries stand in as the fork’s edible “prongs.” Then, the diner can carry on, scooping up wayward condiments and eating them with the “Frork.” Oh My Sainted Aunt! (thanks, Roger!)

I came across this joke, and it made me laugh, so I’m hoping it will make you laugh too!

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really..”

“What about that eye patch?” “Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit.”

“Well, it was my first day with the hook.”

Okay, folks … if you didn’t get a chuckle today, drop me a line and I will send you a refund, okay?  For it is always my goal to make you smile on Monday mornings!  Now don those rain boots, hats and umbrellas, and let us go, in the words of a Truman supporter in 1948, “Give ’em hell, Harry!”  Have a safe and happy week, and share that smile!!!

      End