i felt very down the first half of this week, which is typical but not for this time. usually my moods are pretty predictable, so i thought it was strange. but i learned about sickness behavior, and how it closely mirrors early depression (fatigue, withdrawal, hopelessness, etc.), so it makes for a good explanation. i might be coming down with something, most of the people i know are, but my immune system is full of strong soldiers so i've been okay. when i'm feeling really unwell there's usually a good reason (sickness, hormones, emotional dysregulation), and i like that it can be easily explained, but it makes me wonder how many of my emotions are actually rooted in reality. it's a hurricane in my mind, but when i tell anyone about my winter breezes, i know it sounds silly. and i don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions, you know. i want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them, but moderately and never in excess, because no person worth your time ever puts his heart before his brain. i think. それきも。i'd like to avoid being any kind of an emotional person, but i can't help it. unfortunately.

lots of birthdays this week. my dad, my lolo (he celebrated it with the lord), my ap world history teacher, and me tomorrow. statistically, february has the lowest number of birthdays, and this makes sense because it has the lowest number of days. but i feel like everyone is born in february. february is my favorite month, because i like the color red. and my birthday is my favorite holiday. i hope i can have many in the future. i was born on a super bowl sunday, at the new york-presbyterian, in the corner right over broadway, at 17h17. i was an easy birth, and everyone was having a good time, including my mother. but make no mistake, i would make her suffer later as a result, through daily insulin injections. bless her. in any case, i'd like to pass through the world and some day soon to leave it in the way i came; easily. (受け身で生きるのは楽だが、楽には生きられない。)

my school's progress reports come every six weeks in a semester, which means next week for me. as i open my canvas app to check my grades, i feel anxious. so this is what it's come to again.... i have four good marks, and two classes i'm failing. one is a matter of skipping my classwork for the past month, and one is a matter of me not belonging in the class. i'm a really smart kid, you know. 僕は天才です。every teacher i've ever had knew i was smart, and when more people knew my name i was known for being smart. i'm not a dumb kid, and i'm not a bad kid. but every time i open one of mr. s' chemistry honors assignments, i consider dropping the class, and when i don't, i browse online for cheap charcoal bags. completing schoolwork feels akin to ripping out my own organs to give to my teachers. so it's gotten to the point, again, where i sleep at 20h30 to end the day, like in a video game. my bed is jurgis' drinking glasses and sherlock's needles. so when i'm having fun during the day, or making plans for this weekend, i feel guilty because i know i don't deserve it right now.

we had a chemistry quiz on tuesday, which i was sure i failed spectacularly, but i was just short of passing. all the questions i answered correctly, but only half within the time given… i talked to mr. s at the beginning of last week, and he told me that he thinks i'm smart enough to handle the material. it was a relief to know that was what he thought; i was sure he hated me. every time i go into that class i'm sure that he's judging me for how lazy and stupid i am, but i must have overestimated. he remembered my tangent on the nomenclature of polonium from the beginning of the year, too. that's my favorite thing, when people remember things about me.

unknowingly finding me sinking in self-loathing and self-pity, every teacher loves to feed my colossal vanity. madame g thinks i'm the good child of my corner of the room. mrs. s gave me personal notes about the "beautiful analysis of allusion in the paper menagerie." mr. d, while handing me back my leq, told me it was excellent and how he wished i typed it so he could show the class. mr. m thinks i'm a good student. adult validation is everything to me, you see. i could be a willing victim in a heartbeat, for all you know.

i will try to remember things about you, if you tell me. i might even remember for long enough to write it down next week, when i see you again. (it's a funny thing to pretend you have an audience.)

MY FAVORITE SONG THIS WEEK (i don't usually listen to classical)