#frolicsome

“I want to think again of dangerous thing and noble thing, I want to be light and frolicsome, I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing as though I had wings” - Mary Oliver.

Read this when I was in Ulu Bernam, for UPB project. It was written in McD wall. This quote give me something to think. Well, ever since my first day as Service Engineer in my company, one of my colleges tell me to get another job. And he goes that everyday, up until now. He’s only stop because I’ve not meet him quiet awhile. Almost 2 or 3 weeks. And I’m happy for that. 

No hate, spread love. No, I’m not spreading any love here. I just want to be “Frolicsome” the way Mary Oliver said in her words. I was, as anyone can remember a very playful ones. So much energy to play and to laugh heavenly. Well, despite being not so famous in school, I was a happy girl with happy friends. Never had bad thoughts on how bad life would be. Always careless until SPM getting near, and someone come and give one shitty problem so I ended him one shot, and continue my study. I was so ambitious that time. So confident to face a new world even sometime my post are more about sad things, sad quotes, and sad love song. Those days..you guys live there too right? Thing started to change when I entered a new world and met some friends. Some are good and some are just a passing mirage..

If I can relive my early young adult life, I will ensure to be more open and not so mysterious the way I used and the way I’m right now. The moon and galaxies say that I’m a mysterious girl driven my Mars (according to the choice I’d made in a quiz about killing a thief). I hope it true. Oh well, for me it is true. That’s why people love and keep telling me I live in a cave (Malay pronounce “Gua”). No offend for that, I agree. I hate to keep with people shits, they talk too much about other, and giving no shit towards other people. At least denote people as someone who has a feeling. Well, since I have been living in “The Cave” the way you guys referred my silent, the most thing I want if I hang out is to talk something bright. Not talking dirt and dark about people.

Skipping those negative people. Life is like a traffic in Kuala Lumpur. You’ll be stuck if you’re late 5 minutes. Being competitive in this new world, sometimes I feel too much burden and tiring. But this is the life I choose to be. I can choose to just sit at home, be a lazy girl but I choose to be productive despite the fact that I’m not as fresh as I was. Why? Later in another post, I will share. “The cause of being sick”. I’m not a same person as I left high school 7 years ago. Not as active as other young girls in my ages would be. What I do right now is fight, try to be bright as the way they be. Smiling as bright as Darlie ads. Fighting the best outta myself.  

There will be times, my heart drown and feel so empty. Because I’m a survivor, not completely recover from what had happened past 7 years. As always the negative talk keeps pull me down. When you think some bright smile of a person with  those silly laugh and jokes they were always at to, and a spontaneous funny response they’d give, somehow they are also healing themselves. And every time those things come and hits me like a truck, I’ll remind myself that God is with me. Always. “God is with me” 

                          “ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُم بِذِكْرِ ٱللَّهِ ۗ أَلَا بِذِكْرِ ٱللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ ٱلْقُلُوبُ “ 

By means: “ Those who believe and whose hearts are secure in remembrance of Allah. Remember, just by remembering God is the heart to be peaceable”. InshaAllah. 

Giving you a little of my life’s picture. On how, every single day I look for some happiness in dried heart. To be genuinely happy and moved on with my past, stuck with some negative people around, and keeping my feet on the ground. Most of the thing, to keep being sane with high thoughts. Yes, I think too much which cause me to sleep early every night. To keep my life busy with works, and never give any chances to any over-thinking to come and live anymore. 

Nevertheless, I’m now, Alhamdulillah a happy girl. Not genuinely happy, but I’m not as sad I was a year ago. I feel blessed and gratitude with what I’ve now. The small success around failures of my effortless trials. for everyday I try to look a positive in negative things in people. Trying to forgive people around me. To lessen my pride. I’m so afraid of getting hurt which I refuse to tolerate with ones who come with bitter ass and blunt mouth. Hence, here I’m living in “The Cave” and writing in this site. The way Alec Benjamin always sing, “Let me down slowly”, I hope someone would do such thing if they were to left me. lol.