#friendly suggestions

Nobody is coming to find you in your dark corner! I’m sorry to tell you but if you want to make new friends, you have to put yourself out there and start talking to people. Whether it’s in real life or online, it’s time to stop lurking and socialise. Yes, it’s scary for some of us. And it can go wrong at any moment. There are tons of really awful people out there but that’s why you have a brain in your head. You need to stop being afraid of everything. Instead, start developing thicker skin and becoming more emotionally resilient. Yes, people can say hurtful things but you don’t have to take them to heart. What does it matter to you that some stranger says mean stuff to you? They are a stranger, they mean less than nothing to you. Just carry on and keep trying your luck with others. There are beautiful, kind and sweet people out there and I know that for a fact because I met some of them through this blog and even through my other blog. All you have to do is to become visible. The same way as you are craving a genuine connection and friendship, others do, too! Just imagine you can actually meet them. But it will never happen if you stay hidden and silent.

You will never meet your carbon copy! Learn to accept the fact that people you meet are going to be different from you - with different backgrounds, views, opinions, values, habits, hobbies, interests, etc. The chances of you meeting someone who’s exactly the same as you are zero and even if you met such a person, I guarantee you that it would be the most annoying relationship of your life. Differences are beautiful. The fact that you and your new friend can learn from each other and grow together as people is amazing. Learn to appreciate differences. Obviously, you don’t have to put up with things that feel wrong to you but try to keep an open mind and accept the fact that someone can have different hobbies than you and still be a good person. When they are interested in something that’s not your cup of tea, try to be polite about it and NEVER SHAME them for what they like. If you do, they will simply learn that they can’t talk to you about everything, they will become selective about what they share with you which will create a barrier and the friendship will never move forward and it probably will also die in some time. Try to be less judgemental. Especially about topics you’re not very familiar with. Maybe there is a deeper reason why your new friend really enjoys going fishing and it’s not just about murdering poor fish. Maybe it was something they used to do with their late grandpa and this is how they keep the memory alive. You will never know if you just judge them right from the beginning, never asking follow up questions. This is just an example.

Kindness, Respect & Boundaries! Love and affection are nice but respect is better. Drop the mindset that people have to love you to be your friends. They have to be kind, respect you and your boundaries. The love comes with it but chasing being loved instead of being respected leads to becoming a people pleaser without boundaries and eventually to being hurt like hell. And make sure you know the definition of boundaries. Having your boundaries doesn’t mean that you oppress the other person. For example, you come to this blog of mine, read some of my NSFW tarot reading and you feel uncomfortable with it. Coming to my DMs or Asks telling me to delete the post because it made you feel in some way is not your boundary. Stopping reading the post and deciding that my blog isn’t for you and never visiting it despite your friend telling you to do so, that’s your boundary. Do you see the difference? Your boundaries should be respected by people whether your relationship with them is platonic, romantic or professional. Learn to be firm about them but don’t shovel your boundaries down other people’s throats. Be respectful! I can’t highlight this more. Do you want people to respect you? It’s a two way street. You have to respect others to be respected in return. Nobody says you should put random strangers on a pedestal but giving a basic level of respect to everyone is decent manners. If you get to know the person closer and deem them worth less or more of your respect, or even admiration, you can do so. However, the basic level of respect should be your starting point. Be Kind! Don’t be nice! Being nice means you are doing something you don’t actually don’t want to do just to please the other person. Be kind, let the kindness in your heart spring and flow outwards. Show compassion and understanding to people. When people become vulnerable with you, it might become overwhelming but they have trusted you with something personal so give them at least some level of kindness in return. You don’t have to become their therapist (you actually shouldn’t become anyone’s therapist, unless you are an actual therapist) but you can still treat them with compassion. It’s not always easy. I made so many mistakes with people myself. I have hurt people’s feelings unintentionally. And if it was possible, I apologised, corrected things when possible, learned a lesson from the experience and hopefully became a little wiser. In short - Kindness, respect and boundaries should be on both sides of the friendship.

There are many levels of trust! Stop telling random people the most intimate details about your life on day 1. Bonding with someone requires trust and vulnerability but it’s a process with multiple levels to reach. Stop expecting that someone you just met a week ago will put up with your entire tragic life story. It’s like dropping a bomb on someone and they are just not ready for it just yet. If you want to build a lasting friendship, take it slow. Start with discussing generally well liked topics like food, pets, travelling, music, movies, etc. A new friend hasn’t earned enough of your trust to tell them about your mental issues or about your complicated approach to your own sexuality. Those are information to be shared with a good close friend because they can be easily abused. You don’t want someone you considered a friend to go and expose your private information to other people. So just don’t tell newly found mutuals your biggest secrets! Build the trust step by step. Dose the information about yourself in a mutually fitting speed. Try to respect the fact that people might feel uncomfortable discussing specific topics. I have friends who don’t like to talk about NSFW topics. I have friends who don’t like to discuss romantic relationships. I have friends with various religious beliefs while I’m an atheist so I respect their views. There are topics I simply don’t discuss even with my own sister because it would be mutually uncomfortable for us. And we are still very close. So learn the fact that you shouldn’t tell people everything about yourself right away and that there might be topics you will never discuss even with someone truly close to you.

Nobody is going to agree with you on everything! Drop the mindset that a good friend is the one that always agrees with you. That’s a total BS and it’s actually extremely dangerous to surround yourself only with people who nod to everything you say. That’s not a friendship, that’s a cult. Even with the best and most intimate friends you will have different opinions on things and different standpoints. And that’s perfectly okay. Just because your friend disagrees with you on something, it doesn’t turn them into your enemy.

Lastly - Stop carrying the previous negative experience with you! Yes, we have been all hurt and disappointed and stabbed in the back before. There were people in our lives that treated us poorly. However, you can’t keep assuming that everybody is the same. People are individuals and everybody is different. Carrying the negative prejudice will hurt you foremost. It will prevent you from developing a genuine connection with good people. It will make you feel lonely and bitter. Nobody says your feelings of hurt from the past are not valid but it’s important to realise that most people aren’t trying to hurt you. Try to heal and move on. If it’s too difficult to do so on your own, try therapy.

I’m in no way an expert on relationships, I have made so many mistakes and I broke up with friends many times before. These tips are mere suggestions and personal experiences of mine. My approach is not the only one and it’s definitely not the only right one. You can take what suits you from it. Or dismiss it all. Your life, your choices.

If you have read this far, congratulations! You have a pretty good attention span! 😜 Feel free to express your experiences with making friends, maybe you have some tips I didn't mention. Maybe you disagree with me on something. I'm happy to take a constructive criticism 😉