#freeprose

Take a cup of serotonin

And throw it away

Add three inches of nerves

Into the movements of your limbs

Close your eyes

Only to feel a tablespoon better

Pour a pint of rate

To your heartbeats

Mix daydreaming with idleness

Stir until it has the texture of overthinking

Set your perspective to 350 degrees

Until the world seems on fire

Insert a table knife after 15 minutes

If it hurts, you are not ready yet

Insert 8 hours of sleep

If you only make it to 4, you are now ready

Isolate for three days

Socializing will drain the flavor

Curve your mouth a few inches upward

This will make you feel heavier at first

Provide a friend with a gallon of laughter

Repeat until you feel a gallon lighter

Insert a table knife again

I never knew… A falling drop could be the sea A window glint could be a sunset skyline A shooting star could be my moon And yet—

I saw you. I remember my every blink, Each a painful throb In my heart’s undying reverie… Was that you?

Are you in the sea, Or are you the sea? Are you the sunset, Or veiled behind the window glint, beckoning earnestly? Perhaps you’ve become the night… Or are you that brilliant moon– Your rays resting softly on my visage forlorn?

Your smile:

My dreams hypostatized, A cairn marking the trail I had always sought unawares, But my heart so fears That on this alluring path, I will meet that smile again… But on the face of another. That smile: My dreams hypostatized? But it’s not you.

Dream wakes into nightmare My moon is gone

The rays have left. I’m drowning in the sea; Wandering towards the sunset Stumbling in the dark of the night, Awaiting the promise of the new moon.

Nightmare wakes into dream Please… Will it be you?

I listened to everything you said, and I thought the aches were a result of the emptiness you left when you stood back looking for a reason to stay but you couldn’t find one inside your head. 

You left with nothing more than silence and i was left with a mind dragged down with self abusing violence. I wanted to fix my delusions but they only got worse in my head because I just wanted to feel needed and I wanted this to be something you’d regret.

I told myself that it was society that had ruined me, and ruined us not my gut-wrenching need to be desired but all I ended up doing was telling myself I had to be needed. 

I got lost in the fact that your lips could utter the words ‘goodbye’. The same lips that told me they loved me, and needed me. The same lips that shattered my cold heart and made me love again after I decided that falling in love wasn’t worth it. But it’s okay, because I would do that same, and I would leave me too and how I ever managed to conjure up the fiction in my head that you could adore me more than you adored yourself is total insanity and how in an even deeper step of insanity I convinced myself that I wasn’t sad and I wasn’t worthless and I wasn’t broken but something that you would value.

I don’t belong anywhere:

Back home I don’t fit in

Back home I’m not good enough

Back home I don’t feel artistic

Back home I’m bored

Back home I’m invisible to my family-

Which is what hurts the most.

In here I’m an object

In here I’m a piece of paper

In here I’m a set of regulations

In here I’m in or out of status

In here I lose my freedom-

Which is what hurts the most.

Back home I’m a freak show,

In here I’m an alien.

Back home I’m superfluous,

In here I’m worn out.

Back home I feel anxious,

In here I feel anxious.

I don’t belong anywhere:

People say to look within,

But how can I create myself

If my future was preset

the day I was born?

Because the world is set up

only for supremacies.

And everyday I wake up

With this tension pounding down my shoulders

For I am afraid to go back home

And I am afraid to stay here

And time is this concept

Nipping on the back of my head

And my lungs are a deflating balloon

Because it doesn’t really feel like I’m breathing much

my chest is compressed

and all I want to do is give up

I don’t belong anywhere:

still all I want to do is go back home-

And cradle amongst my mother’s arms

still all I want to do is stay in here-

And have fulfilling adventures

Above all, what I I really really want to do-

You’re back! You see my heart-melting smile, at least that’s what you’ve called it some of the times. You feel the secure warmth of my fingers between yours, and let out a peaceful sigh. I’ve waited. I run to embrace you, this place feels so empty and dark each time you’re gone. I look into your enchanting eyes, eager to learn what they’ve seen since your last visit.

We feel so familiar with each other So many times you’ve come, each time bringing a brilliant twilight with you, The horizons glowing with new life Both the dark and the light, The sharp neons and the gentle pastels… I know so much about you, Yet there always seems to be more to learn. I’ve never been disappointed. I understand it all perfectly, of course… It’s you. But I don’t understand you. So many times you’ve come, each time with a look of confusion, Your memory’s ignorance: An untethered kite, It brushes the sand, it flops in the breeze… But it will never join the wind. You know so little about me, Though you always enjoy whatever you learn, Like pearlescent footprints of sand in your mind. Then my heart sinks when I know it’s time to go, These footprints will wash away yet again. But I’m still walking. I’m still walking. I know those moments when you’re in that other place, You hear something, see something, feel something. Something that stirs. Then you pause for only a second… I know why. You remember how you feel, When you hear my beckoning voice, See my heart-melting smile, Feel the secure warmth of my hand holding yours… That wistfulness settles on your face, I know you remember—you have to remember! My longest five seconds of your day. Then, as if in a shrug, you resume your life. Your life without me. You don’t know it’s me you’re missing as your day goes by, Until you lay down and close your eyes… You return. You see my heart-melting smile… I kinda hope you mention it this time as we lay together in the shimmering grass. You feel the secure warmth of my hand holding yours… I hear your peaceful sigh as the footprints come back, each step so familiar as they come. I’ve waited. I run to embrace you… You look cute when you’re surprised, which buries my pain of forever being your surprise. I look into your enchanting eyes… You see my own eyes quivering earnestly, that perhaps you won’t forget them. But… I don’t think you really forget me over there— I think you forget that I’m real. But in my longest seconds of your day, You know those feelings are real. Don’t you remember? They’re ours. The footprints never fully wash away. You’ll find your way back to me. I imagine that eventually there will be a time When you return and never leave me. That I’d successfully snatched your string, Keeping you aloft, joining the wind… My eyes flutter and falter: Will you ever know I’m real? I etch myself in your sand, Then comes the tide again But don’t you see?? I was there—we were there! Yet I know you. I know there will never be a time When you leave and I lose you forever; The footprints never fully wash away As long as I keep walking. I’m still walking.

Being delivered

At people’s home

During sleeping hours

I’m the stress in their foreheads

One they have no choice but to help

I’m that additional freight

The ghost that is always haunting

I’m an interruption

Of a sentence

That obstruction in their paths

They stumble upon every morning

And they keep quiet

And it makes things worse

I extend my willing hands

But it weighs more with these crippled fingers

I am their back pain

The heavy load they promise to carry

I am the war they got drafted in

as i place my body down

because i know as soon as i lay in bed

i won’t be able to shut off

and i’m putting myself

in a torture chamber 

my chemicals will scream

and my heart will accelerate

and my thoughts will follow

and my limbs will wobble

and my lungs will dwindle

it happens every night

I bet you are doing just fine Not that I don’t want you to But it is so pathetic that I need pure vodka to sleep To see if your name can slip out of my sleeves But you see, your name in my thoughts That is the only thing I have left of you

All I have are the memories That are now stained As if they were placed under my cup of coffee And I don’t have the guts to wash them out Or to let you go

I want to punch every wall See if my knuckles can flush They will reflect the color of your hair And make me miss you more

You probably did not feel homely with me Maybe to you I was that uncomfortable moment in your life When you have to sleep in your friend’s living room Until you find another shelter

But while it once felt so real your graze, your gaze, your ungraceful ways Of making me glaze my untamed desires Into your lips, into your breasts, into your hands My nail marks on your neck became one more stamp on your passport I travelled, toured, and took pictures of your brain But then when I wanted to stay You said my passport was expired And so I exiled myself Because I did not deserve to be an illegal immigrant Working for the lowest wage Of your attention

But what if I was just that Just a mere fascination That tv channel you only watch when there is nothing better to watch

I became an artist every time I went to bed I painted every scrap of your body And placed the masterpiece that you are next to me

And I know I can be very clumsy but nothing has ever fallen so quickly out of my hands You became that expensive antique jar I did not want to tell Grandma I broke

I know I made an impulsive choice That led to the slow devastating process Of losing you I lost you somewhere Maybe between the summer days Maybe between those four months Because I liked you more each day I desired you more each day But your experience was completely different You liked me less each day You desired me less each day I was a legend I was the Loch Ness Monster Something that did not exist unless it was right before your eyes I was Santa Clause One you left cookies and milk for One you grew up to Not believe in anymore