#freejournal

Currently doing my Japan Trip draft check-list inside a neighborhood cafe with literally 5 or 6 strangers in their own cubicles and thought bubbles. The cafe's music playlist is superb -- with Jason Mraz, John Mayer and Boyce Avenue on shuffle, I listen to their songs, (some) I thought I've already forgotten only to figure out that I still know every word in them. It's refreshing. It takes me back to my good old memories. But while there's a part of me that says, things were better back then, there's also a part of me that says, I couldn't be more blessed than I am today. This place is usually packed but perhaps some of the students of the nearby University went home for the Chinese New Year. だいすき よ! I am able to think. The past few days, I wasn't really able to think deeply, I just worked hard to meet my deadlines and I don't like living my days that way. So this rest day is a really good opportunity for me to breathe. Like I have previously mentioned in my Daily diary post. I should be done with my handwritten list/collection before I finish their delicious choco-mudpie cake. Maybe I'd be able to show my bujo entry later. 

Hey. I love you. Last night was completely my fault and I don’t think I can live without the weight of nearly losing you. I miss you, baby. Your mom seemed tired and nervous and she seemed scared but I don’t ever believe she’ll be mad at you. Please listen to me when I say that I love you. I spoke out of anger at myself and not you. Suicide is permanent to temporary problems. It just seems like they’re permanent because they’ve been frequently and repeatedly occurring in your life. And I want nothing more than to hold you and pull you out of Hell. Will you please understand me when I say don’t do that ever again, Mack. I can’t lose you. You are irreplaceable. If you can’t see that you’re blind. I love your kid, Nicole. Is what I wanted to say. Mom, I’m in love with Mack. Is what I should say. But I don’t know what that means. If I say both those things. I’m so FUCKING deeply in love with you, Mack and I’ll never be able to learn how to say it in a way 

that makes you believe it. 

I’ll never be able to say it in a way that could 

hold all that you are 

and I just want you to 

know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I let you down. I caused you to down those pills. 1 to 34 to 50 to purge in the bathroom.

I’m sorry. You need me and I’m not able to be there. I love