#freakydenial

What started as mere curiosity, a little bit of a challenge, some pretty harmless play, a day or two here and there, ended up taking me places, heights and lenghts I never thought I'd reach, more than six years of exploring this particular kink later

I always felt like I was wired a bit differently, struggling to reach the peak of the pleasure and tip over, and even when I managed to, it was never ever enough to fully satisfy me

So, what's even the actual point of me having orgasms then?

Denial feels like a truth I always come back to, a place where I belong, a place where I get to be the best version of myself I can be, a place I yearn for but am also slightly scared of

I need it, I need my pleasure to be fully out of my control, I need to give in and let go, I need to edge, I need to be wet and drippy, I need the ache to really feel alive, I need my thoughts to be quiet, I need my mind to be more empty, I need to please and obey

I don't need to cum again 🩷

Just like that, I find myself at the beginning of a new denial journey, without knowing where it might take me this time around, both fearing to live out the fantasy that has been rooted in me for as long as my body can remember and excited to finally be taking steps in that direction

Long long overdue update from me!

The day I thought is such an unrealistically high goal that it will be impossible to reach it had arrived

100 days without a full orgasm, just a ruin here and there and so many edges, hard and soft, that it would be impossible to count them all

I wish I could say I felt proud, but truth be told, I felt nothing that day

I wanted to stay denied, be his toy to play with, always wet and ready, my pleasure secondary to his, I wanted it so badly, I begged for it days and weeks prior, I wanted to keep the ache that had become a part of me, living inside me to remind me there's more to my body but pain and weakness, and also to remind me of him, of my submission and everything I've given away

Unfortunately, despite my mental efforts, my body had other ideas and started giving up on me, I started working at a new place quite recently, I've gotten an annoying cold that lasted for like a week, my chronic condition showed its teeth, and all of it eventually started being too much, I was in pain, couldn't sleep, ruins weren't helping anymore, and I was desperately searching for something, anything, that would feel good, an orgasm being one of those things

So I came, with permission after reaching a mutual conclusion with my Dom, and it was... meh?

After so long, I wish I could say it was spectacular, mind blowing, one of the strongest orgasms I've ever had, but it was average and it genuinely confused my body that was like, so this is what we're doing now?

Even a few days and a few more orgasms later, I still found myself aching, like I could never be satisfied, and then everything just kind of slowly faded away and left me devoid of horny

Truth be told, I need a break from daily stimulation, constant arousal, all of it, though more on a physical level than on a mental one

Do I regret denial? No, it served its purpose, it was what I needed and what helped me in the moment, it was fun, it was hot, it led me to some new experiences and discoveries, and most importantly, it led me to my Dom, each day with him has been wonderful, I wouldn't have reached my goal without him and I'm beyond grateful for everything

Do I regret cumming? Also no, despite having initial doubts and feelings of guilt, but I realised later it was the right choice that was made for the sake of my wellbeing, which is always ALWAYS a top priority

Out of everything, I figured I miss the mental state I was in when denied the most, how quiet my brain got at times, how relaxing it was to just be mindless, how his and owned I felt, I miss all of that much more than the ache and the throbbing and the physical sensations I've had

I'll be back, I know I will, because in the end, I always crawl to it and succumb to my cravings

I'm still glad I was able to reach my inital goal and that I didn't give up halfway through, it serves as a proof that I can be determined after all and that I can stand a lot more than I ever thought I could, but now I'm not chasing long streaks or new records anymore, I'm just gonna go with what feels the most right in the moment (and what my Dom decides for me, of course)

The plan is to let me rest & recharge and recover a bit, and start fresh for NOvember and Denial December, so I can still make it to 2026 denied and hopefully keep at least half of my promises

Until then, stay sexy and freaky y'all

It's been a while since I wrote a lengthier update on my denial and how I've been doing so let's get right into it

Honestly, just the fact I can post an update like this feels a little bit wild, what started as a silly idea and a farfetched goal is now something I get to live and feel, day after day

I've changed a lot more than I thought, in a good way, and I have nothing but gratitude for the man who helped me get to this point, I took a risk and let him in, let him see me, hear me, shape me, and with every passing day I take one more step deeper

I'm learning that dominance doesn't have to be something harsh, degrading or painful (though I still sometimes get cravings for something darker), but that it can feel like something steady and safe, and that it takes just a few right words to melt me, especially if they're spoken

Throughout this whole thing, I'm trying to learn how to stop hating my broken sick body, how to give it pleasure and how I can use it as a tool to give someone else pleasure, how to quiet my mind and replace the thoughts that haunt me with the words he's told me, and all of it is turning out to be way more than just sexual in its nature

Because of my health issues, my arousal tends to be on the low, and I think that's the reason why denial just seems to work for me, it keeps the sexual being in me alive and it's an antidote for the pain and weakness I often feel

It hasn't been easy though, especially not during the week leading up to my period, which as per usual, left me feeling feral and twice as desperate, also my period was late this month so that additionally messed me up, afterwards life and responsibilities kicked in, and I've gotten a cold (which is ironic, because this whole thing started just because I wanted to feel good while sick but couldn't get there)

I've cried multiple times, begged for pain or was granted ruins, all as a form of release to make up for an orgasm I can't have, I still want it when the ache hits and when I'm real close, yet I begged for more, my goal to reach 100 days is near and I'm not ready to let go yet, my body is kind of getting used to denial as a default state so we'll see what's next for me and how much I can really take

Good. Treasure that ache. It’s special because it’s singular, intimate and personal, uniquely yours. It may be invisible, but it’s still physical: the hard evidence of your restraint.

A cuff around the wrist or ankle, even a soft padded one, will leave an impression in your skin if you pull against it long enough. So will a belt cinched up nice and snug between your legs. A collar properly fitted around your neck can be perfectly comfortable—but if you strain at it, it will eventually leave its mark on your throat.

The heat and pain inside you are the feeling of your body struggling to wriggle free of your mental bondage. And every time it makes you bite your lip or clench your hands or squeeze your eyes shut, that’s an incredible proof of how much self-control you have.

Treat your ache like something you made by hand. A leash you wove out of your own thoughts to keep your cunt in check. The moment you end your streak and give in to the need you feel, that leash vanishes, and you’ll have to make a new one all over again.

Why discard it? You worked hard to turn it from a concept into your reality. One hour at a time. What a prize you have there.

Hang onto it as long as you can.

—👓

Your way with words never disappoints me 🫠

Yes, I am in fact still aching, and it has also gotten more intense and harder to deal with this past week 🥲

I've actually thought about denial feeling like some sort of bondage too, especially in the moments when the need feels so thick and overwhelming and I feel trapped in my own desperation with nowhere to run from it

Since I don't control my pleasure, it's also some sort of virtual bondage by the person in charge who's pulling all the invisible strings, and it's great for the dynamic

I'd gladly be bound physically too but ahem... back to what I was saying

The ache is a great reminder not only of my submission but also of my determination, self control, and something I can shift focus to when my body doesn't feel that good otherwise

I try to treasure the ache but it's a love-hate relationship, sometimes it's tame, sometimes it's a quiet whisper, sometimes it's loud enough to demand attention, and sometimes it's a roaring flame burning through my whole being

I basically can't control it or fully predict it, which is half inconvenient and half fun

I'm pretty sure I'll eventually miss it, so I'm set on keeping this up for as long as I can and as long as it feels right and the best way for me to be

One thing you're mistaken about is that my ache was made by my own hand and my own thoughts, no, it's a reminder of a person who got me to where I am now, like he placed himself inside me from a distance, and it is enhanced by thoughts he carefully planted inside my head