#freakydenial

What started as mere curiosity, a little bit of a challenge, some pretty harmless play, a day or two here and there, ended up taking me places, heights and lenghts I never thought I'd reach, more than six years of exploring this particular kink later

I always felt like I was wired a bit differently, struggling to reach the peak of the pleasure and tip over, and even when I managed to, it was never ever enough to fully satisfy me

So, what's even the actual point of me having orgasms then?

Denial feels like a truth I always come back to, a place where I belong, a place where I get to be the best version of myself I can be, a place I yearn for but am also slightly scared of

I need it, I need my pleasure to be fully out of my control, I need to give in and let go, I need to edge, I need to be wet and drippy, I need the ache to really feel alive, I need my thoughts to be quiet, I need my mind to be more empty, I need to please and obey

I don't need to cum again 🩷

Just like that, I find myself at the beginning of a new denial journey, without knowing where it might take me this time around, both fearing to live out the fantasy that has been rooted in me for as long as my body can remember and excited to finally be taking steps in that direction

Long long overdue update from me!

The day I thought is such an unrealistically high goal that it will be impossible to reach it had arrived

100 days without a full orgasm, just a ruin here and there and so many edges, hard and soft, that it would be impossible to count them all

I wish I could say I felt proud, but truth be told, I felt nothing that day

I wanted to stay denied, be his toy to play with, always wet and ready, my pleasure secondary to his, I wanted it so badly, I begged for it days and weeks prior, I wanted to keep the ache that had become a part of me, living inside me to remind me there's more to my body but pain and weakness, and also to remind me of him, of my submission and everything I've given away

Unfortunately, despite my mental efforts, my body had other ideas and started giving up on me, I started working at a new place quite recently, I've gotten an annoying cold that lasted for like a week, my chronic condition showed its teeth, and all of it eventually started being too much, I was in pain, couldn't sleep, ruins weren't helping anymore, and I was desperately searching for something, anything, that would feel good, an orgasm being one of those things

So I came, with permission after reaching a mutual conclusion with my Dom, and it was... meh?

After so long, I wish I could say it was spectacular, mind blowing, one of the strongest orgasms I've ever had, but it was average and it genuinely confused my body that was like, so this is what we're doing now?

Even a few days and a few more orgasms later, I still found myself aching, like I could never be satisfied, and then everything just kind of slowly faded away and left me devoid of horny

Truth be told, I need a break from daily stimulation, constant arousal, all of it, though more on a physical level than on a mental one

Do I regret denial? No, it served its purpose, it was what I needed and what helped me in the moment, it was fun, it was hot, it led me to some new experiences and discoveries, and most importantly, it led me to my Dom, each day with him has been wonderful, I wouldn't have reached my goal without him and I'm beyond grateful for everything

Do I regret cumming? Also no, despite having initial doubts and feelings of guilt, but I realised later it was the right choice that was made for the sake of my wellbeing, which is always ALWAYS a top priority

Out of everything, I figured I miss the mental state I was in when denied the most, how quiet my brain got at times, how relaxing it was to just be mindless, how his and owned I felt, I miss all of that much more than the ache and the throbbing and the physical sensations I've had

I'll be back, I know I will, because in the end, I always crawl to it and succumb to my cravings

I'm still glad I was able to reach my inital goal and that I didn't give up halfway through, it serves as a proof that I can be determined after all and that I can stand a lot more than I ever thought I could, but now I'm not chasing long streaks or new records anymore, I'm just gonna go with what feels the most right in the moment (and what my Dom decides for me, of course)

The plan is to let me rest & recharge and recover a bit, and start fresh for NOvember and Denial December, so I can still make it to 2026 denied and hopefully keep at least half of my promises

Until then, stay sexy and freaky y'all

...a bit longer than 9 weeks, 5 ruins and countless edges later, I've officially broken my last record so yay me! 🥳

Here's a cheeky picture because I felt like showing off a little 🖤 (plus I got new underwear)

Honestly, this denial period is changing me from the inside out, I'm sinking deeper with each passing day and I can reach an edge and get to that fuzzy floating state of mind surprisingly quick now

It feels like I've unlocked a new edgeslut level, I genuinely didn't think I could feel the need so deeply within me, it feels like a ball of warm light sitting somewhere between my lower stomach and my pussy and sometimes it pulsates so brightly and loudly it overtakes my whole body and mind and it feels like I'm gonna tear apart from the inside, there are really no words sufficient enough to describe it tbh, in those moments I become one with the need as I let it envelop me whole and it takes time to put myself back together again and be a person

In the past week or two I've experienced a lot of somewhat new things, much to my surprise reached a hypnotic state where my mind completely blanked, cried a few times, ruined hard, few days after that had to ruin two times in a row just to calm down and be able to function again, I've pleaded and eventually I gave everything away, so now I can't touch or play without asking for it first and having permission for any kind of stimulation, and so far I'm loving every second of losing that control 🥰 (and I need it to be out of my hands too)

There's a lot more that goes into all of this of course, especially when it comes to communication, listening to my own body and working around my limitations, grounding myself back, navigating emotional needs along physical ones, managing time, energy, real life etc.

I'm somewhat lucky I can't really feel horny when I'm around people or in public, so edging doesn't interfere with my irl that much, or at least it hasn't so far!

It did get harder and more challenging to keep it up though, mostly because of how deep each edging session takes me and how wildly strong the physical sensations are, and I wouldn't be here without @hypnobrainwashertoo, as always, thank you for putting up with me, guiding me day after day and for everything that you do 🫶🏼

I can't help but wonder if there will come a point where I'll get so used to denial that cumming will feel strange and unfamiliar and I just won't want it or crave it anymore, and it's still a little too soon to speak about that, but these new heights are interesting and somewhat fascinating to explore

(and I sure as hell feel a bit sexier and more confident)

Stay tuned for more I guess!