#fox journal

But I think it's more important that I live for you.

I'm going on a trip with my partner soon... Two days.... I haven't been able to sleep at all I'm so anxious for it. Got a gift planned and everything, I hope he likes it. I've been playing around with what I want to do for school too... I didn't get the internship, but there's a field ornithology class this summer that I might take. If the stars align, maybe I can find some paleontological fieldwork.

I want to do many things....

I've got two roads in front of me right now. There's one I desperately want to walk with a person I love and trust more than anyone else I've ever met. The other pulls me elsewhere. Across mountains, towards something I can't identify. Would he come with me if I asked? Am I worth that uncertainty?

Would he be worth it to me? Would I change my plans, drop my fears, if he asked me to? What am I willing to change about my trajectory for him? How can I expect him to follow me when I chase the moon if I can't even say with certainty that I would change for him?

I worry he deserves better. He deserves someone who doesn't hold him at arm's reach and still ache to hold him when they're the one holding back. He deserves someone willing to come in close. I don't know if I can be that person, even though I want to be.

If I left tonight and offered my hand, asked him to run away with me, would he come?

I’m trying to look at things more positively.  Embrace the radical nihilism of this shit world I’m operating in.  Who else gets to be able to watch a climate-based disaster happen in front of their eyes?  Well, everyone, but I’m going to consider it an opportunity.  Let’s call it a case study for rapid mass extinction.  The world isn’t going to die, it’s going to be fine.  We’re looking at a battle royale, and humans are most certainly going to be the losers, and I am more than looking forward to that conclusion.

May you live in interesting times, indeed.

In light of February being terrible, I’m making a blog that is neither suffocatingly positive nor depressing as all hell.

Recovery is more chaotic than the illness.  Wish me luck, I’m going to keep an eye on it here.