#four!ben

“What is it?” His attention was focused on his suitcase, but you wanted and needed his full attention.

“Do you have to go on this trip?” You wonder, stepping closer to him.

“Yeah. You know I always go, love. Why, is there something wrong?” Still, he doesn’t look up.

“Yes, actually. And I would like it if you’d stop packing for a moment,” you sternly say. Finally, he looks up and sees your scared expression.

“(Y/N), what’s going on?” Taking a couple seconds, you finally reveal the object you were holding: a positive pregnancy test. His eyes blow wide and he takes a couple steps back.

“W-what?” His hands fly up to his head, hands running through his hair.

“You’re pregnant?” He breathes out. Nodding, you lower your hands and begin to cry, thinking he was upset.

“No, no, why are you crying, baby?” Billy steps over to you, taking you in his arms. You shake your head and go to wipe your tears away, but Billy beats you to it and strokes his thumb against your cheek.

“You’re not upset?” You wonder. Billy’s face contorts in confusion, but it is quickly replaced by an ecstatic one.

“No, not at all! I’m gonna be a dad!” He yells out, picking you up and spinning you around. Your giggles fill the air of the small bedroom and Billy sets you back down. He stares down into your eyes, and you even catch them quickly dart down to your stomach.

“This may not be planned, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be here with you every step of the way. I love you and I’m going to love our little one just as much.”

“So, are you still going to Ukraine?” You ask sadly. After finding this out, all you wanted to do was spend time with him.

“Hell no. I’m gonna call Alex and tell him to go on without me. Did you think I was going to leave after finding this out?” Your silence is enough of an answer, so Billy brings you in for another hug.

“I’m not gonna leave you anymore, okay? I wanna be with you every day, I don’t want to miss anything. I promise I’m going to find a real job around town, maybe at the diner nearby. The woman who owns it is always looking for help because no one ever stays there, and she knows me pretty well.”

“Really?” You ask in disbelief.

“Yeah. If you don’t feel well or need comforting, I don’t want to be out of the country for days on end. Especially towards the end of your pregnancy. I want to be with you more than I want to steal.” You giggle and wrap your arms around his body.

“That’s nice to hear, I guess.”

Just like Billy promised, he stopped leaving to go on heists and got a job at the local diner. The woman who owns it decided to pay Billy more than minimum wage because he mentioned that you were expecting a child.

As time passed, you grew more anxious and Billy grew more excited. The doctor’s appointments only excited him more as he finally saw what you two had created on the screen. Though he had trouble seeing it at first, once he finally did, he cried. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

When you started showing, his eyes never left your stomach. It made you self conscious at first, thinking that he was wondering why you were gaining more weight, since your hormones and insecurities were getting the best of you. But one night, you finally had the guts to ask him about it.

“Billy, why do you keep looking at my stomach?” You wonder, your voice soft in the silent room. It was close to ten o’clock at night and you two were settled down, getting ready for bed.

Billy’s eyebrows furrow in confusion as he turns on his side to face you.

“Because you’re beginning to show,” he replies.

“Really?” You are quick to lift your shirt up and find a very small yet more prominent bump in your stomach. Your gaze was interrupted when Billy placed his hands on the spot, his warm hands a soothing contrast to your freezing skin.

“It’s so fucking adorable. I can’t believe that’s our baby in there,” he whispers. his thumb gently rubbing against your skin.

“I’m sorry for getting so-”

“Don’t apologize, love. I know you’ve been more emotional and sensitive to things. I’m sorry if I made you think that I was looking at you in a negative way.” You smile at him and lean in to press your lips to his.

“I love you so much, Billy. You’re going to be such an amazing dad.”

“And you’re going to be an even better mum.”

The weeks continue and every week, Billy makes sure to take a picture of your growing bump just to look back on the moments. And then the most exciting part of your pregnancy came: finding out the sex.

When you were around twenty weeks along, you set up an appointment with your doctor and since that moment, Billy couldn’t wait; he even lost sleep because he was so anxious for the day.

Finally, the time arrived and Billy was up and ready for about an hour before you even had to leave for the doctor’s office. He was acting like he had drank ten cups of coffee, practically bouncing off the walls and begging you to leave right at that moment.

You were now sat in the chair, your shirt rolled up and your growing bump on show. A proud look was plastered on Billy’s face as he examined you. His hand fell to your shoulder and he rubbed it gently, comfortingly. The doctor came in, interrupting what Billy was going to say.

She sat down and began asking you questions about your progress, suggesting some things here and there and giving you advice. After everything was ready, she squeezed some of the cool gel onto your stomach and began moving the wand around. Billy’s hand grabbed onto yours as you stared at the screen nervously.

“Here is your baby,” she says, pointing to a section on the screen. “Would you like to know the sex?” Glancing up at Billy for confirmation, he nods and looks back at the screen, eyes sparkling with tears already.

“Yes please,” you respond. She looks back to the screen and moves the wand around your stomach for a minute or two before she finally announces it.

“Congratulations, it’s a healthy baby girl.” Chills ran through your entire body and Billy’s grip on your hand tightened.

“Oh my gosh,” he whispers, staring at the black and white image of his baby girl. You look up to him and see that his tears had finally fallen and he was shaking a little.

“I’ll give you two a moment. Would you like copies of today’s sonogram?”

“Yes, that’d be great.” She leaves to retrieve them and Billy pulls you into a huge hug.

“We’re having a little girl, darling. I can’t thank you enough for giving me the best gift in the entire fucking world. I love her so much already and she’s not even here yet.” You laugh and pull back to give him a kiss.

“She’s going to be such a daddy’s girl, I know it.”

“I know I’m going to spoil her so much.” You kiss him once more and look back at the screen, staring at the black and white photo of your growing baby girl.

“This is all so surreal, I still can’t believe it’s happening,” Billy whispers.

“Me either. It’s scary, though.” Your response causes Billy to rub bicep lightly.

“We’ll be here for each other the entire time, I promise. We’re going to be the best parents we can be, I know it.”

Once you two return home from your appointment, Billy went straight to the bedroom while you made some dinner. You had no idea what he was doing because he was gone the entire time you were cooking, and when you finally finished and called out to him, he came running to the kitchen with a notebook and a pen in his hands.

“What have you been up to?” You ask, handing him a plate with the pasta and chicken you made. He thanked you with a kiss on your cheek and walked over to the table, sitting down. You followed shortly after, beginning to dig into your food.

“Just brainstorming some names for our girl,” he says, taking a bite of pasta and opening the notebook. Looking over, you notice the list is already very long.

“Damn, Billy. Do you have every single name in the world on that page?” He blushes and chuckles, shrugging insecurly.

“I just got excited,” he whispers.

“Oh, babe. I didn’t mean to offend you, I’m sorry,” you respond, not wanting to make it seem like you were making fun of him; you knew he was excited, you just didn’t expect the amount of names he had already thought of. “So, what are some names you have?”

Billy smiles widely and begins looking through the list, finding the ones with stars next to them, check marks to the side, and circles around them.

“The checked ones are possible middle names, the stars are my second favorites for first names, and the circled ones are my favorite,” he explains, taking another bite.

“Let’s hear them.” So, the entire duration of dinner, you two go over the list he has already created, came up with even more, and finally narrowed it down to five first and middle names.

After dinner, you two moved to the couch, Billy holding you in his arms, your back resting against his chest, his hands rubbing your stomach softly and absentmindedly.

“Okay, let’s figure the name out. So we have Sophia Lane, Lily Mae, Cecelia Rene, Aurora Leslie, and Ruby Ann,” Billy states. Listening to the names out loud, you try to figure out which one sounds the best and see if any middle names would be interchangeable.

“I don’t like Ruby or Aurora, though Aurora is a pretty name. I think I like Sophia, Lily, and Cecelia the best. But I don’t like Rene, so maybe Cecelia Ann instead.” You feel Billy nod against your head, his hands continuing to rub your bump as he thinks hard as well.

After debating a little bit more about it, and even suggesting new middle names, you narrowed it down even further to two names: Sophia Mae, or Lily Ann.

“So, what do you think, Billy?” You ask, looking over your shoulder and gazing into his eyes. He smiles softly and leans down to kiss you.

“I think both are beautiful. I feel like we should choose it the day she is born, and see which one fits her best.”

“I like that idea.” Turning back around, you rest back in his arms, cuddling further into him.

“I wonder what she’s going to be like.” Billy whispers, “If she’ll be like you, or me, or a mix of both of us. And who she’ll look like the most.” A small smile appears on your lips just thinking about what was to come in the near future.

“I love you, Billy. I couldn’t imagine going through this with anyone else.”

—

A couple weeks later, you were at home resting while Billy was at work for the night. You were focused on the TV playing your favorite film, when your stomach started to ache a bit. Thinking nothing of it, you push it aside and continue to watch the movie.

But it starts getting more consistent. Finally, you lift your shirt, exposing your even bigger bump, and begin moving your hands around to find where the ache was coming from. After a couple minutes, you finally figured out what the problem was: your little girl was finally starting to kick.

As soon as you realize, you are up and rushing to grab your coat and keys, beginning the short, ten minute walk to the diner. Upon arriving, the lady who owns it, Peggy, sees you and smiles.

“Oh, (Y/N). Did Billy forget something at home?” She wonders, bringing you in for a hug. Ever since you and Billy moved into the apartment, Peggy’s diner had become a place where you had dinner quite often, when you couldn’t afford groceries. So, you two had become friends with her.

“I just came to see him, have some news that I wanted to tell him.”

“He’s in the back, I think, prepping food for tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Peggy.” With that, you run off to the back and quickly find your boyfriend, dressed in a black shirt and jeans, with an apron wrapped around his waist and a hat sitting on his head; you had yet to see him in his work uniform, and he looked very adorable in it.

“Oh hey, babe. What are you doing here?” Billy asks, stepping closer to you and giving you a kiss.

“Just came to tell you something because I couldn’t wait until you got home,” you say excitedly. He gives you a confused look but you grab onto his hands and put them on your stomach. Still, he is very confused until he feels it. You move his hands to the spot where she just kicked, waiting for her to do it once more. And she does, even harder this time.

Billy’s eyes widen as he stares down at where his hands rest, tears already escaping his eyes.

“Holy shit,” he whispers. You giggle and move his hands again, to a different spot this time. Billy is at a loss for words as all he can do is pull you into a hug, pressing kisses to your forehead and keeping you as close to him as possible.

“Billy, we - oh! I’m sorry,” Peggy interrupts, but apologizes as soon as she sees you two. Pulling back, you wipe his tears away and give him one last kiss.

“Go back to work, babe. I just had to tell you right now.” Billy chuckles and kisses your cheek, following you out to the front where he was needed for attending to customers.

“I’ll see you at home, love!” He calls out as you head out the door and back to your apartment.

That night, after Billy got home and took a shower, you two were cuddling in bed, ready to go to sleep.

“I can’t believe she kicked for the first time today,” Billy whispers, his hand on your stomach, as it is most of the time.

“I know. She’ll be here so soon, I can’t wait to meet her.”

“Me too.”

—

You were now about six and a half months pregnant, your due date drawing closer and closer each day. Billy had a couple guys from the diner help him with the baby’s room, painting and putting furniture together, despite your attempts to help; he wanted you to rest and be comfortable during this time.

Of course, Billy has been growing more nervous for the day to arrive, yet he doesn’t want to admit it. He wants to appear strong for you because he knows you’re scared too. But one night, his thoughts get too much for him, and he needs to vent to someone.

But, you had fallen asleep, his group of thieving ‘friends’ were away on a heist, and his diner buddies were out celebrating a friend’s birthday, so he only knew one person, rather fetus, to chat with.

Billy laid down next to you, and since you were sleeping on your back, it was easy for him to be face to face with your bump. He gently lifted your shirt and leaned close to your protruding stomach, stroking your skin gently. He noticed you shiver slightly due to the feeling of his cool hands on your warm skin, but thankfully, you settled back down.

“Hi baby girl. It’s me, your dad,” Billy cringed at himself, laughing softly. “Who else would it be.” He takes a pause to sort his thoughts out, still rubbing his thumb over your skin. What he didn’t know was that his touch did in fact wake you up, you just didn’t want to disturb him.

“I know I’ve stayed so positive and happy about this for your mum, but I’m honestly terrified. I’m terrified of becoming my own father, not being there for you when you need me, making you feel unloved, without realizing it. I will do everything in my power to prevent those from happening, so I know I have nothing to worry about, but it still gets to me.” He takes another pause, breathing deeply.

“I want to be the best father I can be, but I don’t know if I’m going to be good at it. It scares me that I’m going to be responsible for this little human, when just seven months ago, I was stealing for a living. How the fuck is it possible to mature that much in so little time?” You could feel his tears falling onto your skin, and you wanted nothing more than to wake up and comfort him. But you knew that it was hard for him to talk about his feelings, so you wanted to let him do so comfortably.

“I’m going to try my hardest and be the best role model I can for you. That means no more stealing, and I’ve done a good job so far. I’m worried about falling into old habits all the time, but I have a feeling that you, little one, are going to change everything. I already love you so so much, and you’re not even born yet.” He chuckles lightly as he feels his daughter kick where his hand lays. “Already know your daddy’s voice, huh?” His voice wavered for a moment as he tried to keep his emotions in. Now, you felt like it was a good time to wake back up.

So, you stir a little, acting as if you had just begun to wake up, and softly smile up at him.

“Hey bub,” you whisper, reaching up to caress his tear-stained cheek, and that’s when your expression falls. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” he sighs, brushing it off. You give him a look, telling him that you know that’s not true. “How long have you been awake?” He chuckles softly and grabs your hand.

“After you put your frozen hand on my stomach. I heard everything, babe.” He sighed even heavier this time, and you could see he was feeling defeated.

“I love you so much, Billy. And I know you’re going to be such an amazing dad. It’s definitely not going to be easy, but you’ve already shown me that you’re going to be NOTHING like your dad. He was an asshole who made you slip into bad habits and the wrong crowd. You’ve changed so much since we found out we are having a baby. I have no doubt that once she’s here, you are going to be the best and most outstanding dad you can be for her.” By now, Billy had tears streaming down his cheeks at your speech, and he pulled you in for a huge hug.

“I love you, I love you so fucking much,” he whimpers into your neck.

“Shh, it’s okay, babe. You know you can always come to me when you’re feeling down about anything, especially something like this.”

“I know, I guess I just wanted to be strong for you because I know you’re scared as well.”

“You don’t have to pretend to be strong. I don’t want you bottling your emotions up just for me, okay? From here on out, if you have any worries regarding the baby, or anything about our future, please talk to me.” Billy nods immediately and hugs you once more, keeping you as close to him as possible.

“I promise.”

And he did. Anytime Billy started to worry about something, he would come to you and talk it out. And every time, you assured him that it would be okay, and you two would get through it together.

But when your due date came and went, and you went into labor a couple days later, Billy was going crazy. His anxiety had risen and he kept telling himself that everything would be fine.

After a long eighteen hours in labor, your baby girl was finally here, and all of his worries washed away immediately when he held her in his arms. You gazed at them, lovingly, through exhausted eyes, feeling overwhelmed with emotion.

“She’s beautiful, love,” Billy smiles, taking a seat next to you. It was around two forty-five in the morning and you needed to sleep, but you didn’t want to miss out on any time you had with them. “She looks just like you, just as I imagined she would.” You chuckle and reach up to stroke her tiny cheek. She stirred a little and snuggled closer to Billy, causing him to coo at her.

“What name should we pick?” He wonders, gazing down at you. He hands her off to you, despite what your doctor told you to do, which was rest, and stared at her as she slept. Billy still sat next to you, his arm going around your body to bring you into his.

“Sophia Mae,” you whisper, feeling the tears pool in your eyes. Looking up to Billy, you find him staring at you, eyes filled with love, adoration, and fondness.

“Sophia Mae is perfect.”

“Sophia Mae Jones, to be exact.” Billy’s eyes widen at your statement, he assumed that she would take your last name, since you two weren’t married and had yet to talk about that aspect of your future.

“R-really?” He stutters. You nod, leaning up a little to signal you wanted a kiss. Billy giggled and did as you wished, giving you a long, passionate-filled kiss.

“Of course. I can’t see myself with anyone else but you.”

Billy finally told you to get some sleep after another fifteen minutes of staying up, so you finally did, and Billy was now left alone with his newborn daughter.

Billy’s POV:

I was sat on the rocking chair next to (Y/N)’s bed with Sophia in my arms. I was rocking back and forth gently, as she laid on my bare chest, something the nurses said was good for bonding. One of my hands rested below her bum to hold her up while the other was on her back, gently running my fingertips over her skin.

“Shit, this is too much,” I laugh quietly, leaning my head back and closing my eyes.

“It’s so crazy to think almost a year ago, I was a criminal for a living, not having any idea if I’d have enough money for food or new clothes, or to support my loving and amazing girlfriend, and now I’m here. I have a stable job that pays well, and I have a beautiful baby girl. My two girls, I will love you guys until my last day. And that’s a promise. I may not be the best at being a dad, but I am going to try my hardest. For you and for your mum.”

I ended up falling asleep with Sophia on my chest, and was awoken by her cries. (Y/N) must’ve sensed that as well because she was standing in front of me, reaching out to grab the baby.

“She’s probably hungry,” she mumbles, sitting back down on her bed. I help her under the covers as she does her thing, and I watch intently; not in a sexual way, but an interested and in-awe kind of way.

“Babe?” She says, breaking me from my daydream. I chuckle and take a seat next to her, rubbing her shoulder.

“Such a beautiful thing women can do,” I say. She shakes her head and leans back to stare up at me.

“Doesn’t feel beautiful.” We both laugh for a little and the room falls silent once more.

“I am going to love both of you for the rest of my life,” I whisper, leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead. “My beautiful (Y/N) and Sophia. You two are my world, and I can’t believe I got so lucky.” (Y/N) begins to tear up, reaching up for a real kiss.

“I love you so much, Billy. We finally have our little family.” I smile and look down at my girls, my heart soaring with so much love.

“Our little family.”

It felt perfect to say that my life had finally fallen into place.

•••

Teaser

Chapter 1: Girl in the Chair 

Five looked back and forth between the two of them, eyes full of sadness for the girl. “Four, come on, it's not like no one knows what's going on between the two of you.” She tried, “All she wants is to hold your hand, it's not like she wants to have sex in front of us all.” 

Billy scoffed, looking at the dark haired doctor. “You don't know what you're talking about, Amelia.” There it was. Amelia. He had no problem letting her name fall from his lips, but not Y/n’s. “Shit.” He seemed to notice it just a minute too late, Y/n already chewing on her thumb, staring at an obviously very interesting spot on her pants. “Eig- shit, Y/n..” He corrected himself too late, because she scoffed and jumped over the back of the couch she was sitting on and was out the door before he could move.

“Way to go, asshole.” Seven chimed in from his spot on the corner of the couch. “Five, you wanna get this one?” He pointed towards the door, and Amelia nodded her head, slowly standing and eyes not leaving Billy’s. 

“I fought for this to happen Billy, you need to get your shit together.” She shoved her pointer finger into his chest harshly. “She loves you, you know.”

“I know.” Billy sighed, throwing the plastic cup he had in his hands across the room. 

-

“Y/n, wait up!” Amelia shouted at the girls back. She didn't turn around but she raised her hand waving the doctor off. “Come on, girl, wait for me.” Amelia jogged up to her, seeing the tears rolling down her face. “Talk to me, Y/n, please.”

“It doesn't even matter, Lia, I appreciate you trying and trying but there's nothing that can be said to make this better.” Y/n wiped her hand across her face, scoffing when she remembered she was wearing Billy’s hoodie. “I keep trying and he keeps pushing me away.” She sighed, unzipping the jacket, letting it slide off of her arms. She shivered at the cool air hitting her bare arms, before shoving the jacket into Amelia’s arms. 

“Don't give up, Y/n, please.” She took the hoodie, folding it over her arms. “He does love you, you know that.” The girl kept walking, passing Billy’s trailer where she had been staying the last few nights.

“I thought I did, but sometimes I just don’t know anymore.” Y/n paused in front of her own trailer. What had once been her safe haven had quickly become a nest of sad memories that she fought hard to not think about. “I'm just gonna walk for a bit, yeah?” Y/n sighed, pulling the doctor into a tight hug.

“At least take this?” Amelia offered her back the blue hoodie, and she could see the thoughts cross the newest ghosts mind. Y/n shook her head, a fresh wave of tears pushing past her eyes. “Okay, hey, it's alright. Will you take mine?” Amelia stuffed Billy’s hoodie between her knees and pulled her own over her head, passing it to the girl who took it with a nod. “Come find me later if you want, hon.” She gave Y/n a hug again and let the girl walk away, towards what they called the plane graveyard.

-

Y/n really did love Billy, even if he seemed to be hesitant towards her, and she knew that he loved her too, he was just afraid. Anyone who knew Billy knew that he would never admit to being afraid of anything, but she could see it in his eyes.

When it was just the two of them, the look in his eyes filled her heart to the brim. The way he held her hand, made her heart overflow. The soft kisses that he left all over her face was enough to make her feel like she could fly. Y/n would often lie awake at night, cradled in his arms, watching his chest rise and fall gently, mouth slightly agape. She loved him more than she could ever say.

Billy was the first one who heard her wake in the middle of the night, screaming and crying from nightmares. He was the first one who asked her if she could remember what had her so upset. He was the first one she confided in. He was the first one that made her feel alive again. It was with him that she watched her first sunset and sunrise, staying awake all night, nestled cozily on the wing of a plane as they talked about their lives before becoming ghosts.

Here she sat again, on the wing of the same plane, watching the same sunset as she thought back on her time as a ghost. It had been a rough adjustment, being a part of a team that was comprised of snipers, thieves, and hitmen. She had never been in a situation that called for killing before and she had certainly never lived amongst people who killed for a living.

Y/n thought back to when she first became a ghost, shuddering at the thought of where One found her, left alone to die in an alleyway behind a bar. Her mark had caught on to her schemes and he played along, she thought that it was working but when the two of them left the bar together, that’s when she knew that she had been made. When her marks hand was around her throat, her back roughly pinned against the cold brick wall, she was sure that she was done for.

That’s when the man was roughly pulled off of her, she fell to the ground coughing and sputtering at the sudden intake of oxygen. Y/n screamed out when hand found her again, struggling against the hands that held her shoulders. “Hey, it's alright, relax. I'm not here to hurt you.” One whispered to her gently. When she looked into his eyes, she knew that he was genuine. She knew that he was here to help. “I have a job offer for you.” 

Listening to the man, sitting in a quiet corner of an all night cafe, she accepted his offer quickly. So quickly that he asked again, slower, making sure she understood. “I need to die, so I can really live again.” She had whispered to him and he nodded his head in understanding. 

“I think we will get along just fine.”

-

That night had been over a year ago, and now she was thriving. Her talents had been deemed invaluable to the team by almost all of the team, her new family. One had resisted the first time she called them her family but he had since grown used to it, accepted it even.

She loved her family, but she loved one of them differently than the rest. Billy. Billy was the most important thing in her life and it scared her for a long time, she fought it as much as he was now, and that's why she understood that he really did love her. She would stay with him as long as it took for him to realize it, or so she thought.

Y/n and Billy had started slow, leaning on each other for comfort, especially when the nightmares of that night had come back to haunt her. That mark hadn't been the first to ever get rough with her, wasn’t the first to catch onto her game. Billy was there to hold her through the sob inducing nightmares, where she woke up screaming as if she was still there.

Billy was always there for her, with sweet words, soft touches and just being a shoulder for her to cry on. After the night she first told him that she loved him just three months ago, everything had changed. She would wake up in her own trailer, alone and shivering. Billy wouldn't touch her the way that he used to, and he could see that it hurt her. He would always make up for it, though, and she always welcomed him back into her arms, swallowing his apologies with eager kisses which he always returned just as eagerly. 

After nights like those, he would be fine again for only a few days, lingering touches, flirty winks and comments directed to her through their comms, everyone cooing mockingly at them. Y/n loved those moments, when he was unabashed in his affection, planting soft kisses to her temple as they sat in the main room talking about an upcoming mission. 

It never lasted though, which broke her heart but nothing could push him away from her. His moods would change as quickly as the California desert temperatures. It hurt her to know that she had just accepted it, but she had. She had accepted it as just Billy being Billy. She had noticed though, that the mood would change when she told him that she loved him, but she never stopped telling him. She knew that he was afraid, but she also knew that she loved him more than anything in her whole life, and he needed to know that. Everyone deserves to be loved, don't they? 

She accepted his fear, but she didn't think that she would ever give up on him. She believed that she would always be here for when he inevitably came back to her, sadness in his eyes, needing her touch. She thought that nothing would ever make her turn her back on him. Tonight had crushed her though, Billy’s inability to hold her hand was normal, sadly enough, but she never stopped trying.

Last night was one of the nights he had crawled into her bed, whispering apologies against her bare skin as he slid himself into her bed. His breath reeked of alcohol, and his clothes smelled of smoke, but she rolled her body to face him, cradling his face in her hands.

“I'm so sorry, Y/n.” He whispered, leaving soft kisses along her thumbs.

“Billy,” She started, shaking his face ever so slightly to get his eyes to focus on hers. “It’s alright to be afraid..” Y/n watched him close his eyes. “Billy, I love you.” Pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I love you.” Another kiss to his cheek. “I love you.” She whispered, leaning to kiss his lips but he pulled away, a whimper leaving Y/n’s throat. “Billy please..”

“Please, Y/n, please…” He kept his eyes closed, pulling her hands from her face. 

She let a tear fall down her cheek and she closed her eyes along with his, letting her head fall heavily against her pillow. “Please don't leave.” She whined softly, her hands reaching out for him but the spot was already empty. 

“I can't..” Were the last words that she heard before the soft click of her trailer door closing.

“I know you love me too, Billy.” She shouted into the darkness, knowing that he was standing outside. She heard his fist hitting the side of her trailer, followed by a soft whimper. “Even if you can't admit it to yourself.” Y/n whispered the last part to herself before pulling her knees to her chest and crying herself to sleep.

-

That morning was the hardest for Y/n. She knew that this would only prolong his mood, but she was beginning to tire of the whiplash. She knew that he loved her, she could feel it in his kisses, in his touches, in his words. She longed to hear the words come out of his mouth. When she walked out of her trailer that morning she saw Two first. She knew. They all knew. Camille’s trailer was close to Y/n’s and she had no doubt heard the exchange last night.

“Good morning, chérie.” Camille had pulled the small girl into her side, arm wrapped around her shoulder. The blonde knew how the girl's heart was breaking, and it made her feel protective of her. Y/n may have been the newest to the team but no one could dispute the fact that she completed their dysfunctional little family. Camille and Amelia doting on the young girl, taking her under their wings immediately. Two knew what it was like to break One’s rule. She understood the hardships that came with loving a dead man. 

“How much did you hear?” Y/n looked at the blonde woman sheepishly, voice hoarse from crying. 

“Enough to know that you are right.” Camille gave her shoulder a squeeze as they walked into the main building. “We can all see how much he loves you, don't give up on him, mon caneton.” Two gave her a wink and pulled away from her. Y/n smiled weakly at her, walking over to where Five and Seven sat closely. 

“Can I join you guys?” Y/n hated how hoarse her voice sounded, she didn't notice when she spoke to Camille, but speaking with Amelia, the doctor knew immediately that it had happened again, and tsked softly.

“Oh honey.” Five opened her arms and Y/n crumpled into them with a soft whine. “That boy will never learn.” She rubbed her hands soothingly along the girls back, Blaine reaching out to grab the girls hand, which she accepted gratefully. When Billy got into moods like this, she just needed to be held, to be touched, and the team knew that and happily obliged.

When Billy walked into the main building that morning, a grimace on his face and sunglasses over his eyes, he stopped short at the sight in front of him. Five had her arms wrapped around Y/n and Seven was holding onto her hand from across the table. Two and Three were whispering softly to each other, both watching him closely as he entered the building. 

“Morning.” He mumbled, walking straight to the kitchen and making himself a fruit smoothie. No one answered him. “You all know that this is none of your business right?” His voice raised higher as he ran a hand through his hair, looking out at his team.

“Don't push us away too, Four.” Seven spat out at him, giving Y/n’s hand one last squeeze before he stood and walked out. Three standing and walking over to Y/n, leaning down to give her a small kiss to the top of her head.

“We don't love you like she does, we won't put up with your shit.” He glared at the blond man, dropping his dishes into the tub filled with water. “Remember that.” He pointed at him as he followed Blaine out.

There was that word again. Love. Y/n let out a soft whine at the men on the team standing up for her. She knew they were just adding fuel to his fire and she didn't want that, though she greatly appreciated the support. “Billy, can we-” She pointed outside and she looked at him expectantly. Billy shook his head softly, eyes not meeting hers. “Please.” It was her pleading voice that got him to look directly at her. 

Her eyes were red, puffy, like she had been crying for hours. She probably has. The thought hit him like a tonne of bricks. The way she looked today was all his fault. He did this to her. He always did this to her. She must be a saint to put up with his shit for all these months. He nodded his head, eyes not leaving hers.

-

The two of them walked in silence, side by side, into the plane graveyard. “Y/n, I'm so, so sorry.” His voice cracking surprised even himself, as he looked at the girl in front of him. He reached for her hand first this time, but she was the one to pull away this time. His heart clenched.

“I need you to say it Billy.” Y/n’s voice wavered slightly as she stared at the dirt under her feet.

“Y/n, please..” Billy reached for her again, but she didn't pull away and he breathed out a sigh of relief.

“At least admit that you're afraid.” She pleaded, a tear slipping down her already streaked cheek.

“I am.” He admitted so softly that had she not been right in front of him, she may not have heard it at all. “I just..” He took a deep breath.

“Do you love me, Billy?” Her gaze flicked up to meet his, the sadness in her eyes made him suck in a sharp breath. “I need to hear it.” She pleaded again.

“Y/n..” He started, turning his head away from her, but she was quick to grab his chin, pulling it roughly back to face her.

“I'm serious, Billy.” Her eyes pleaded with him, though her voice was strong and steady. “Yes or no.” Y/n wiped a tear from her face angrily. When he tried to turn his head away from her again, a choked sob slipped past her lips.

“You know it's not that simple for me, y/n.” He mumbled, eyes looking anywhere but into hers.

“It is that simple, Billy.” Her voice was rising and she couldn’t help it. “Either you love me, or you don't.” Pulling her hands away from him, he reached out to pull her back. “I need to know, Billy.” She took a step back. “Right here, right now.” 

“Y/n, please don't do this..” He looked at her, tears threatening to spill from his green eyes. “Please.” 

“Yes or no, Billy.”

“Why do you-” He started, and she held up a finger shaking her head.

“No, I need you to say it.”

“I can't!” He shouted at her, making her take another step back. “I don't know what you want from me, y/n..” His voice dropping low, reaching for her again, but this time she shook her head and pushed his hands away.

“I want YOU, Billy! I want you, and I want us. I want to tell you that I love you and I want you to be able to say it back.” She screamed at him, shoulders shaking with the effort to not let her own tears spill over. “I need you to say it, or I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going like this.” 

“You would leave me? You would throw this, us, away because I wont say it back?” He scoffed at her, she nodded in response. “Please don't leave me, Y/n. I'm trying so hard.”

“No you aren't Billy. I've been telling you for months that I love you.” She pointed a finger at him, “MONTHS of telling you and getting nothing but you leaving in response. You want me to stay, Billy? Give me a reason to stay, tell me you love me.”

“I DON'T WANT TO BE IN LOVE!” He finally snapped, shouting at her, face turning red. She blinked back at him, shrinking away from his anger, wrapping her arms around herself tightly.

“Was that so hard?” She whispered, turning to walk away from him. 

“Shit, y/n please wait, that's not what I meant.” His stomach clenched tightly at his own words. He hadn’t meant it. He did love her, so why couldn't he just say it. He was losing the only thing in his life that brought him any joy and it was his fault.

“You can't take it back now, Billy.” She scoffed over her shoulder, not stopping her retreat. “You finally told me what you really feel, and I have no one to blame but myself.” 

“Please, y/n.” Billy jogged around her, putting his hands on her shoulders, his heart shattering at the look on her face, the tears freely pouring down her face, chin trembling. “Please..” 

“Please what? Huh? I pushed and I pushed, and all I did was love you. Love you so much that it destroyed me every time you couldn't meet my eyes. Every time you pulled away from me, but I stayed. You yanked my heart out and stomped on it for days until YOU were ready to come back and say that you were sorry, but never telling me what I wanted to hear.” She sobbed, closing her eyes and dropping to the dirty ground. “Do you know what it's like to love someone who you know can never love you back? Do you know what it's like to have your heart ripped out, day after day? Of course you don't. Because you don't love me, you never have and you never can.” Billy dropped to the ground beside her, but she scrambled away from him quickly. 

“I'm done, Billy.” She sobbed into her hands, she kept her eyes to the ground as she stood up, leaving Billy on the ground. “I love you, I always will, but I guess I was wrong when I thought you loved me too.” And with that she took off, running as fast as she could to put as much distance between the heartbreak as she could. She could hear his screams, her name falling from his lips pleading her to come back.

“I do love you..” He whispered to himself, hating that he couldn’t just say the words to her when she needed to hear them the most, and now she was gone.