#formative experiences

like the last time I saw that movie in a THEATRE was when I was 9, and like...how did 9-year-old me even handle that much cinematic incredibleness???? Like imagine being a straight up child and seeing middle earth for the first time?? Watching the fellowship ascend that peak for the first time?? Scared but enthralled by orc makeup and the ringwraiths??? Getting hit directly with “if you want him come and claim him”, and “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” like right at the source??? I was about to be like ‘how did I not lose my whole entire mind’ except I definitely lost my whole entire mind and never looked back haha.

A birth, original sin

to then be blessed with the burden of 

guilt.

Indoctrinated through scores of practice.

Forgive me Father, it’s been 2 years since my last confession,

and I have been a bad Catholic.

I’ve been making choices for my own, but I believe them to be right.

How many Hail Mary’s till I can remove this life in my stomach?

I still pray but,

my gods now have names I do not understand

and I give blessings on bay leaves.

My mother and her seven sisters do the same, its a secret 

but they still go to confession;

are allowed to take the Eucharist.

I think I may have committed too many mortal sins to drink that wine again.

A Chicago Irish girl who went to Mass every Sunday.

To confession. 

Pouring my soul on my knees, taking the antidote of rosaries and twisting the beads through my fingers

Adoration. 

Never able to keep still but always learning.

My hands are not my own.

You taught me that.

Forgive others,

but if I want forgiveness myself I need to repent.

You taught me that.

I will never be perfect,

but I ought to strive for it.

You taught me that.

And I am grateful.

After everything I am grateful.

The guilt, however is ever present