#forever only

He yearns to feel your soft touch against his skin, holding you close in his arms as the both of you sleep the night away until daylight comes. He’ll always be the first to wake up, quietly getting out of bed to draw the curtains so that the white rays of the morning sun won’t disrupt your slumber. Then, he’ll return to his spot next to you, tracing his fingers along your delicate features that he already knows like the back of his hand, pressing a tender kiss on your forehead. Jaehyun could never get enough of waking up to you, but if back then he knew that it was something that came with an expiry date, perhaps he would have cherished those moments more.

Still wide awake, Jaehyun gives up trying to fall asleep. He pulls his blanket aside, getting up to grab his keys, slinging his black leather jacket over his shoulder.

In the past, you used to tell him off for going out late at night to ride his motorcycle whenever he couldn’t sleep. You’ve made it clear that you respect how he has to take part in competitions, but that aside, you weren’t really fond of him riding his bike at other times simply because you couldn’t bear the anxiety of waiting for him to come home without any injuries. He’s not much of a reckless driver, but sometimes the adrenaline gets to him and that’s when it becomes dangerous. It’s a bad habit that he’d promised to get rid of after you voiced out your worries, but it’s not something that he can change overnight, notwithstanding that it is also an escape from reality for him.

At the very least, Jaehyun doesn’t have to come home today with the fear of letting you down. Again.

­–

You didn’t exactly want to be here tonight, but Haechan insisted that you come along because according to him, you spend way too much time cooped up in your room and you ought to be out and about meeting more people.

And he’s arguably right about that. You see, the two of you have been housemates for almost two years, renting a shared apartment close to your college. And in the time that you’ve known him, it is always Haechan who informs you that he’ll be out till late, or that he’ll be inviting a few friends over to drink. It isn’t like those large-scale frat parties, but it still doesn’t take away the fact that he’s a huge social butterfly, considering how it’s always a new friend group that comes over each time.

Compared to Haechan, however, you’re more reserved and value the time that you have to yourself. Awkwardly greeting his friends and excusing yourself to your room whenever they come over, most of your nights are spent reading a book or watching old films. Even if you have nothing particularly special to do, you don’t mind at all.

But it is apparent that he has other plans for you tonight, practically dragging you to a secluded race track that’s outside of the city.

“Is it like… illegal?” you ask, keeping your voice low and looking around to make sure that no one heard you even though they probably know more about this than you do.

Haechan isn’t in the mood to race, so he joins you as a spectator tonight. You’ve often heard stories from him but never pried too much, partly because you’re not all that interested, and also because it didn’t seem like something he would openly share about. There’s hardly any lighting except the street lamps lined up along the road, and not to be stereotypical, but the eccentrically colourful outfits that the racers had on made everything seem more dubious.

Haechan throws his head back in laughter at your question. “Stop being so serious!” he says, landing a smack on your shoulder, and it makes you relax a little. “It’s kind of complicated but I promise it’s safe. It’s been going on for decades.” He leans into your ear, whispering, “And if you win, the money is seriously no joke.”

Your eyes go wide at his words, turning silent immediately. Kind of complicated, so it is illegal after all. You won’t admit it out loud, but it piques a sudden interest in you, and you’re somewhat grateful that Haechan brought you along. After all, it’s not every day you get to be a part of something like this, right?

Another question comes to your mind and because you can’t hold back your curiosity, you ask Haechan again, “So who's the best racer?”

“Jeong Jaehyun,” Haechan answers at once, jerking his head in the direction of the race track, and you do the same, but it’s difficult to see because of the dim lighting, or lack thereof. You can vaguely see the outline of his figure, sitting in an upright position on his motorcycle. “He came over before, not sure if you remember?”

Before you get to answer Haechan, a thunderous sound reverberates around the area, drowning out everyone’s voices. Their attention turned towards where the sound was coming from, whiffs of exhaust blast out from Jaehyun’s motorcycle as he starts the engine. Night light flashing, it allows you to get a better view of him.

Unlike the other racers, he’s dressed in full black. Long hair slicked back, the ash brown shade looks incredibly flattering on him, creating a sleek and chic look that really brings out his chiselled features. It’s also hard to ignore the immaculate fit of the leather jacket that he has on, accentuating his already broad shoulders. Completing his outfit with silver accessories, Jaehyun looks undeniably… hot. Everything about him screams heart-throb love interest that came straight out of a romcom movie set in the 90s. And now, even something as simple as watching him put his helmet on, you think that he may be the most attractive person you’ve seen in your entire life.

Thinking back to Haechan’s question, you more or less recall seeing Jaehyun over at your shared apartment before, but it’s almost a blur. He’d invited a few of his racer friends, and they were gathered in a circle playing truth or dare. And because you were so focused on escaping into your room that you mumbled a quick hi to all of them, barely getting a glance of Jaehyun for five seconds maximum, which probably explains why you never noticed how good-looking he is until now.

“Let’s go, Jaehyun!” Haechan shouts from next to you, and for a split moment, you instinctively put a hand up to cover your ear, startled. He’d always been an outspoken individual, but you still get shocked at how loud he gets.

Jaehyun looks towards Haechan’s direction, gesturing a thumbs-up before putting his hand back on the handle. Then, ever so slightly, he turns, gaze landing on you. It suddenly makes you feel small, the way he’s just looking at you, and you’re slightly thankful that he has his helmet on because you don’t think you’d know how to act if you were to directly look him in the eye.

Giving Jaehyun a polite smile, he nods back at you in return. The first to break eye contact, he turns his head back to the front, aligning his body to the centre of his bike.

Blazing trails of the sparklers light up the night sky, signalling the start of the race. The place is filled with cheers and screams from the audience, but all is blocked out because you can only focus on a particular someone. Eyes boring into his back, you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in until he was completely out of your sight, speeding through the darkened tunnel.

True to Haechan’s words, Jaehyun is the first to make it past the finishing line that night, effortlessly defending his champion title with his opponents far behind – they didn’t stand a chance at all, if you had to be completely honest. He was also not lying about the money, and you couldn’t even hide your shocked expression as you watch Jaehyun stash stacks and stacks of cold, hard, cash into his bag.

What you don’t expect, however, is Jeong Jaehyun pulling up to the side of the road where you and Haechan were standing.

He removes his helmet, raking his fingers through his hair, your heart rate increasing by the second at the sight of it. Looking at you with a smug grin on his face, he asks, “Need a ride home, sweetheart?”

–

Needless to say, you took up Jaehyun’s offer. To be specific, you said yes in a heartbeat, and you’re not ashamed of it at all. Haechan, on the other hand, stood there with his mouth agape, whining about how you stole his ride home (you didn’t, but complaining happens to be his favourite pastime). Jaehyun gives Haechan a dismissive wave of his hand to shoo him away, and he takes it as his cue to leave.

Jaehyun gets up from his bike, takes his spare helmet, and carefully puts it on your head. Tall frame towering over you, he bends down to meet your eye level so that it’s easier for him to adjust the strap of the helmet. Between feeling the ghost of his touch over your chin and being so physically close to him that you get a clear view of his long and pretty lashes, you’re not sure which one is more lethal, but it surely is making you feel things and you can hardly calm down your beating heart.

“There we go,” Jaehyun buckles the strap, emitting a click sound. He goes back to standing up straight, smiling in satisfaction once he sees that it’s secure.

“Thank you,” you say with a shy smile, looking everywhere but at Jaehyun when you feel his gaze on you. He pats your head, motioning for you to hop on after he’d settled down on the front seat of his bike.

Trying your hardest not to make any sort of physical contact with Jaehyun, you lean back as much as possible after you’re seated, arms remaining at your side as you’re uncertain about where you should place them. You consider holding on to the side of the seat, but you’re also afraid that you will somehow fly off his bike since it isn’t a very safe and viable option.

Your predicament is interrupted by Jaehyun’s touch, his hands grabbing your forearms to bring them in front, circling them around his waist. Your chest pressed against his firm back, your protest is silenced by the sound of the running engine, Jaehyun not giving you a chance to even pull back.

“Hold on tight, sweetheart.”

–

Contrary to the cold exterior that he puts up, Jaehyun has a warm and romantic side to him that only comes out whenever he’s with you. Sweet with his words and actions, he never misses any opportunity that he has to shower you with compliments, often sneaking in a kiss or two while he’s at it too. Your heart never stops fluttering because of him, and honestly, you don’t want it to stop either. Every day you spend with him is a different adventure, and you fall in love with him more and more.

Above all, you love watching Jaehyun race. Fire in his eyes, his confident demeanour transforms him into an entirely different person. Jaehyun knows the sport inside out, and he never fails to let that part of him shine through, never fails to make you feel proud of him. Heart swelling with pride whenever he makes it back to the finishing line first, Jaehyun is always rewarded by your warm kisses at the end of races.

Because of him, you also know the most random facts about street racing, like how it’s only safe to ride his bike when the temperature is above fifteen degrees. And that even at a suitable temperature, he’d still have to warm up the tyre with some kind of special tool. He once brought you to the workshop to demonstrate it, and even though you don’t really know what he’s talking about, you still find yourself getting lost in him, the way he’d blabber on so passionately. This is just one of the many sides of Jaehyun that you hold near and dear to you.

Other days that you spend with him are mostly captured on film. Carrying his point-and-shoot 35mm Leica Minilux wherever he goes, your racer boyfriend happens to have a knack for photography too. The recurring image of Jaehyun taking pictures is something that you’ve grown to adore, and it is almost endearing to you. It is even more exciting when he goes to develop his film rolls, because you’ll be the first person that he runs to, showing you how well they turned out. And it’s always pictures of you that he claims to be his favourite shots.

On the topic of film cameras, he also mentioned before that this is one of his most treasured items, and how he doesn’t ever plan on switching it for another one – that’s just how precious it is to him. More than that, however, what surprised you more was Jaehyun comparing you to his film camera.

“You’re my first and last,” he said, throwing his dark blue denim jacket around you because it had turned chilly. A small part of you wanted to gag at his words, purposefully showing how cringe it was, but you decided against it. Because Jaehyun’s hazel brown eyes carry a sense of softness to them, showing you how serious he was about it. So you settle for a kiss against his cheek instead, making it known to him that you shared the same sentiment.

–

Hand intertwined with yours, you and Jaehyun sit side by side to admire the soft waves crashing against the shore, evening breeze passing by.

He turned up at your house earlier this afternoon and said that he really wanted to take you somewhere. He kept the location a secret and refused to reveal any details. Even during the ride here, he didn’t give in and merely told you that it was near.

Turns out, it’s a beach that he visits whenever he wants to be alone. Something like a secret spot, he said, and now he wants to share it with you.

“But if you want to be alone, then why did you bring me here?” you tilt your head in confusion.

“People say that being alone and being lonely are two different things,” Jaehyun says, solemn eyes musing on the water. “But for me, I feel lonely when I’m alone and I don’t like it.” You frown at his sudden revelation. Jaehyun rarely opens up about his emotions to you, so you never knew that he felt this way.

“There’s no reason for me to be alone now that I have you,” he continues, tightening his grip around your hand, and you offer him a reassuring smile. “And maybe with you here, this lonely feeling will start to disappear too.”

At his words, you put your head on Jaehyun’s shoulder, leaning closer to his side. The both of you turn to look at the beautiful view of the sunset, golden hues of the beams painting the sea, coastline and sky merging into one.

“This is our place now,” you say.

“For how long?”

“Forever.”

–

For a period of time, Jaehyun truly believed that he could spend forever with you. Not that he didn’t believe it now, but he was definitely starting to lose hope. Maybe it’s just how life works, but like the ocean waves that come and go, it seems like the good times that the both of you shared with each other are starting to waver. And he wonders if the calm after the storm will ever return again.

Over the past few weeks, you and Jaehyun have continuously fought with each other, and it’s to the extent that the both of you could not stand being in the same room for more than five minutes without starting another argument, even though the previous one hadn’t been solved yet.

Most of these fights ended with Jaehyun pressing your bodies together against the wall, his tongue slipping into your parted lips. One hand cupping your cheek and the other playing with the hem of your shirt, he kisses you with fervent need from not being able to touch you whenever he wants to. And you let him, your body reacting to his touches, kissing him back just as much. Because no matter how unhealthy this vicious cycle of fighting and patching things up was, it is undeniable that the both of you can’t live without each other.

But how far is too far?

For some reason, Jaehyun still feels you slipping away from him. Half-hearted replies, not seeing each other for days, you stopped coming for his matches too. The distance between the both of you getting bigger and bigger, he doesn’t know how to pull you back into him.

It’s true that both parties need to put in the effort to make the relationship work, but it feels even worse on his part because he knows that he’s the reason you two are growing apart.

As a racer, ordinary days are out of the question for him. And even though you seemed to like the thrill of that at the beginning, it is obvious that it is starting to take a toll on your relationship instead.

Jaehyun loves you. Truly, madly, deeply. He’s not the type of person to randomly date around in order to fill up an empty void in his life, but the second he saw you, his friend’s cute housemate who’d just returned home from a full day of classes, he immediately knew that there was something different about you, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. Yet, he couldn’t just give up on racing because for years, it was the only thing that brought him solace and comfort, until you came along, of course. Still, he didn’t want to have to choose between you or racing. Because as selfish as it sounded, he wanted both.

Which is why Jaehyun constantly reassured you that he would not drive recklessly, that he would safely come home to you every night. But even that wasn’t enough to alleviate your worries. Because one way or another, the fight would gradually escalate into something else, like how it wasn’t a sustainable job and he’d had to eventually give up racing.

Jaehyun was tired. He thought that you’d understand him, but he also knew that it wouldn’t be easy dating someone like him, and that it wasn’t fair to you too. So the day you finally gave up and packed your things, he didn’t stop you from leaving him and only asked to kiss you one last time.

Even till this day, he can’t stop the memories of you from haunting him, and when they do, he wishes for another chance to try again.

–

“What is he doing here?” you shriek, and it seems like you’ve asked the wrong person because haechan looks just as confused as you are. He shrugs his shoulders, not doing anything to help your panicked self.

Jeong Jaehyun is standing a few tables away from you and getting himself a drink. Adorning the same silver accessories that he puts on daily, he’s wearing a white tank top that exposes his toned arms, along with a pair of black slacks that he really loves. Seeing your boyfriend, no, ex-boyfriend of two years after eight months, you don’t know how you’re supposed to feel. It may be the alcohol, but you want to shout at him to get out even though it’s neither your party nor your house, but you also really want to kiss him. God, he’s such a good kisser, nobody could ever compare, not that you kissed anyone else when the both of you weren’t talking to each other.

But you still don’t know why Jaehyun is here. This was a college mixer party, meaning, you could only get in if you had an invitation, or if you knew someone via connections. He wasn’t even a student. And the only two people that Jaehyun knew from your college were you and Haechan.

… And Haechan.

Of course it was him, that would make the most sense. Directing your attention back to your housemate, you didn’t even notice him wandering off to somewhere else, blending in with the rest of the crowd while you were getting distracted by Jaehyun’s appearance. You’ll get him later at home, for sure.

“Hey,” a familiar voice says, and it stirs up all sorts of unexplainable feelings within you, you feel like you're about to explode. How did he get here so fast? Turning to the voice, you greet Jaehyun back, a stoic look on your face.

He clears his throat, voice faltering upon seeing your expression. “Can we talk?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” You stand up, wanting to get far away from him because you know that your walls would come crumbling down if you stayed around him any longer.

Jaehyun holds out a hand to your wrist, but swiftly retreats when he feels your body stiffen. He mutters a quick apology. “It won’t take long, please?”

Sighing, you nod in defeat, following him out of the house. All those weeks of trying to convince yourself that you’ll get over Jeong Jaehyun, your efforts have been rendered useless after seeing him in the flesh, his existence reminding you once again that you’ll always feel something for him, whatever that may be.

–

You should not be sitting on Jaehyun’s bike, your chest positioned close to his torso. But the porch is dirtied with someone’s puke all over it, so you don’t exactly have a choice.

“How have you been?” you’re the first to speak.

Jaehyun hesitates a little before answering, “I’m okay.”

He clearly isn’t.

Tired eyes and dark eyebags, it doesn’t take a genius to see that Jaehyun hasn’t been sleeping well, and your heart breaks a little at that. It could be because of the late night races, it could be because of you. Either way, it hurts to see him in this state. But because you’re no longer in a position to be caring so much about him, you feign ignorance and take his word for it.

“So what did you want to talk about?”

“Us.”

“I think I’ve made myself clear the last time, Jae.” The nickname accidentally slips out, but you try not to think much about it and hope Jaehyun doesn’t as well. “It’s not going to work out.”

“I missed you,” he confesses, bringing his large hand up to caress your cheek, completely ignoring what you said. “Tell me you missed me too.”

“I–” you take in a sharp breath, tears forming in your eyes as it suddenly hits you how long it’s been since you were this close to him, his gentle touch on your skin. “I missed you too,” you give in. Placing your hand atop his, a tingling sensation washes over your body.

Has it always felt this way, or is it because the two of you have been in separation for such a long time? When you tried to forget about him, moving on proved to be a difficult task because you always ended up reminiscing about Jaehyun and the memories you had with him. You fear that you’ll forget the crinkles by his eyes that form whenever he smiles widely, the earthy scent of his candle that reminds him of childhood home, and the way his hand fits perfectly into yours. And seeing him in person again, you want nothing more than to memorise each and every part of him until it is burned into your memory.

“Sweetheart,” Jaehyun calls out to you, voice still filled with so much love just like how you remember it. He pulls your hand towards him, pressing a chaste kiss against your knuckle before bringing it down to his lap, interlocking your fingers together. “Listen to me, okay?”

“Okay,” you say, preparing yourself for what’s to come.

“I need you to stay,” Jaehyun begs, not even bothering to hide the desperation in his tone. “I thought I’d be fine without you, but I’m not. I can’t sleep without you next to me, and you’re always appearing in my dreams. The traces of you that are left behind, I still cherish them, but it’s you I long to have.” He exhales, breath shaky, dark orbs revealing everything else that’s left unspoken. You’ve never seen Jaehyun so vulnerable before.

“Jaehyun…” You don’t know what to say, but you could see how painful it was, how long he’s been bottling it up. Your heart still carries so much love for him, because deep down, you know that he’s still the same Jaehyun that you first fell in love with. The same Jaehyun who would have a playful glint in his eyes, a knowing smile appearing on his face just before he’s about to crack another one of his jokes, patiently waiting for the right moment to say it.

Read: doing a word play on Harley-Davidson, the brand of his motorcycle, and Halli Galli, a traditional Korean board game that he regularly plays with his grandma. Echoes of his laughter surface in your mind, and you have to suppress a smile from forming on your face at the memory.

Despite the arguments, both big and small, you often find yourself only remembering the good parts of your relationship, because that’s when you’re the happiest, with him. Looking back, you don’t even remember what most of your arguments were about, save for the ones related to his racing, but even then, you can’t bear to take that away from him, especially not when you know how much joy he gets from doing what he loves.

“I don’t want you to give up what you love for me. It’s not fair and I don’t expect you to do that, so I think it’s better if we just went our separate ways.”

“No,” Jaehyun says firmly. “You know that’s not true, and I didn’t say I was going to give up racing.”

“Then you would know that it’s going to be a problem that will come up over and over again.” Your lips curl downwards as it reminds you of your past arguments. You hated going round in circles like this, always reaching a dead end each time.

“But we can work through it together, I know we can.” His thumb rubbing soft circles onto the palm of your hand, Jaehyun is determined to talk things out this time, instead of choosing to leave it unresolved like he did the past few times.

“How?”

“We’ll figure it out, eventually.”

A resigned sigh leaves your lips, and you find yourself stuck in a dilemma again. You want to be with Jaehyun, that’s for sure. And you know that there’s some level of truth to his words. If the both of you try to make things right, maybe, just maybe, everything will turn out well this time. But it’s also hard to ignore the unsettling feeling that bubbles in your chest, the possibility of things turning sour and resulting in a break-up again.

“So?” Jaehyun looks at you expectantly, awaiting your answer.

“Okay,” you say with a smile, and it brings a glimmer to Jaehyun’s eyes. For better or for worse, nothing is going to change the fact that Jaehyun will always be the love of your life.

“Okay? Okay as in you’re willing to try again?” he lets go of your hand, causing you to jut out your lower lip not only because of the loss of contact, but also because of how he was squishing your cheeks with his palms.

“Yes,” you try to say, but it comes out incoherent because his tight grip makes it difficult for you to talk properly. Nonetheless, he understood what you said. And upon hearing your response, Jaehyun immediately leans in to give you a peck on the lips, endlessly repeating i love you as he continues peppering you with kisses, hands moving down to your hips. He lifts you up seamlessly, bringing you closer such that you’re now straddling him.

“Jae, stop!” you protest in between giggles, hands shifting in an attempt to pull back because of how ticklish it was, but to no avail because Jaehyun’s hold on you is way too strong.

“Not here,” you didn’t intend for it, but your words come out more as a plea when you feel Jaehyun’s mouth travel down to your jaw, kissing a sensitive spot on your neck, treading dangerously close to your collarbone.

Jaehyun’s kisses stop, and he pulls back momentarily, looking at you with hazy eyes. “Why not, baby? Already forgot the night we went to the drive-in?”

Memories of said night come flooding back.

You’d suggested going to one of those drive-in theatres because it’s on your bucket list, and being the loving boyfriend that he is, Jaehyun agreed. Although the majority of the vehicles there were cars, it didn’t make you feel any less special. In fact, you appreciated that the both of you could easily hide in a corner, it’s as if it was just the two of you in this big and vast world.

It was also the same night that the both of you made out for the first time ever on his motorcycle, not that you’d ever imagined doing that. Movie long forgotten; you kissed each other like there was no tomorrow. That night still remains vivid in your mind, but you don’t know why Jaehyun has to bring it up, because if anything, it makes you crave him even more now.

Unable to hold back any longer, you inch closer to Jaehyun, wrapping your arms around his neck, connecting your lips together. Feeling him smile against your lips, Jaehyun wastes no time in diving back to the kiss, letting out a soft groan when your teeth tugs on his lower lip. “Will never forget it,” you murmur, and Jaehyun takes it as a chance to place the tip of his tongue into your mouth, tilting his head for better access.

“Won’t let you forget even if you wanted to.”

Jaehyun can taste the bitterness of the alcohol in your mouth, but there is nothing sweeter than the feeling of your soft lips working against his, and he’s absolutely sure that he can kiss you for a lifetime. His kisses become deeper, and he pulls you in closer, never ever wanting to let you go again. It is at this very moment that everything feels complete. It doesn’t only feel familiar, it’s also perfect, the way you two fit just right, like the last two pieces of a puzzle that are meant to be next to each other.

Finally pulling away, Jaehyun’s chest rises and falls with rapid breaths, and you try to catch your breath too. A coy smile on his face, he admires how beautiful you look, heart overflowing with warmth when he thinks about how lucky he is to have you by his side.

“Be my forever only?” Jaehyun asks.

Arms still around him, you move closer to rest your chin on his shoulder, taking in the scent of his musky cologne that you missed so much.

The faint sound of your ringtone stirs you awake. Aside from the small lamp on your bedside table, it’s completely dark in your room. The sound becomes clearer as you fully wake up. You don’t even have to look at your phone to know who is calling you. Because the song that is playing in your room is still the same one you set all those years ago. When you first started to have feelings for your best friend, Jaehyun.  

He had once questioned you about it, but you shrugged it off by explaining that you could decline his calls without even having to look at the screen. Since he calls you so frequently that it annoys you. But reality couldn’t be further away from that statement considering the fact that every time you spoke to him, your heart would begin to race. 

Your feelings started to change so gradually that you didn’t even notice at first. He had always been the first one you went to when things got hard or the first one, you’d tell good news to. He was the one person that could turn the worst day into the best. And the one that would cause you to stumble over your words when there was no need to. He was the one that meant everything to you. 

To him, however, you weren't. 

You were merely his closest friend. Because he had her. She was the one that held his heart. Even after she left. 

-

Nearly two years have passed since her death. It was the final day of summer before you left for college. All day long there had been storms, as if to foreshadow what was about to occur. 

Every time you close your eyes, you can still hear Jaehyun's shattered voice. You had never heard anything more devastating than that. 

Because he couldn't even get out of bed, he was forced to skip the first semester entirely. He was utterly broken. And you hated to see him like that, to hear him blame himself time and time again.  

She had never told him that she was ill. Somehow, she managed to hide it till her very last breath. You blamed her for that since he could have been ready if she had told him. He could have done all the things he wasn’t able to before, told her the things he regrets not saying. He could have endured less suffering... 

You can still see him struggle every day after all this time. In the way his smile fades away whenever he is reminded of her, or in the manner that, despite his best efforts to conceal them from you, his puffy eyes in the morning. indicating that he had been crying all night. He thinks you don't know, yet you are fully aware of everything. You see how he plays around while making it clear that he has no interest in anyone, or how he pushes himself to begin something. Only to come up with excuses that don’t even exist just to get out of the relationship.  

You keep telling yourself that better days are coming and that you’ll both be able to go back to the days you were happy. Maybe one day everything will be fine... 

-

Before answering the phone, you hastily glance at the clock.  

03:00 am.  

Despite the fact that he woke you up at three in the morning, you can't help but smile as you wonder why he called you at such a late hour. The smile, however, vanishes as soon as you hear his voice, and you feel a drop in your stomach. Just like the day he called to tell you that she was gone. You recognise the exact tone in his voice that you had hoped to never hear again. You leap from your bed in alarm. Panic washes over your body, and you can hear your heartbeat in your ears. 

“I’m sorry y/n, but I can’t do this anymore...” you hear him say in between sobs.  

“Jaehyun what do you mean? What are you doing? Where are you?” you keep asking but he doesn’t answer. 

“Thank you for being by my side all this time...let’s meet again someday, somewhere. Goodbye y/n.” 

Your eyes are tearing up as you shout at him incoherently, but all you can hear is the sound of the call disconnecting. Immediately after it comes a piercing silence so heavy it consumes you whole.  

Without even thinking about putting on shoes or a jacket, you dash out of your apartment. You can only imagine one location, the same location from which his voice was being echoed by the waves. 

You step on something hard, and your foot immediately begins to hurt. Your sock is getting soaked as the blood drains out. But since he occupies every thought in your body, you hardly realise it. The chilly air starts to burn your lungs, making each stride seem like an eternity. It hurts as much as if someone were suffocating you, yet it still doesn't feel as bad as the ache your heart is feeling. 

You sprint up to the cliff and can now see the bottomless sea. You scan the area quickly to see if you can find him anywhere. But everything is hidden from your view by the darkness of the night. Your face is covered in tears, which only makes it harder for you to see. 

You yell for him as you sprint down to the shore. Only the roaring of the sea, though, reacts to you. 

You eventually locate him after running the entire length of the beach. He emerges from the sea as you watch him. His hair is getting in his eyes, and his clothes are sticking to him. He just makes it onto the sand before collapsing. Just before he is about to fall down, you hurry over to him and grab him. Not for a second caring about getting wet or about how you are shivering so hard that you can feel it in your bones.  

Your lips let out a shaky breath that you had been keeping in the entire time. 

Jaehyun is sobbing uncontrollably while shaking in your arms. You cling to him so firmly as you close your eyes and cry alongside him. afraid that if you let go, he would disappear. 

 His raspy voice finally reaches your ears through the chilly air after what feels like ages. 

 "Y/n, I-I don't deserve her. I don’t even have the courage to go to her.” 

The more he speaks, the more it hurts. to the point of being unbearable. 

You want to yell at him, tell him you don't care, and then leave. 

But you are unable to, as if you are frozen. Because you couldn't hurt him back, no matter how painful it was. So, you simply keep him close to you in the hopes and dreams that his physical presence will lessen the suffering. 

You wish you could shower him with all of your love. to completely fill his heart, leaving no room for anything else. You only want to relieve him of all his sorrow and give him everything he craves. 

But a strange feeling comes over you as you glance down and see the brokenness in his eyes. It has a calm or understanding touch to it. Perhaps it’s letting go...or maybe your heart has just reached its full capacity because the pain has become so deep that you feel numb.  

His eyes, that never even once looked at you even in this very moment. Tell you you’ll never, ever be what he needs. That there never will be a place for you in his heart. And that you’ll never mean as much as he means to you.  

Because you will never be her, his forever only. 

---------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: