#forensicbec

The Fake AH Crew shoved their way through crowds of people as they emerged from London Bridge station. Geoff had his arm around Jack’s shoulders, mumbling to her about how the plan should have worked if only they’d just blended in. Jack gestured to the rest of crew. They were each wearing their own “I heart London” sweaters, with the exception of Ryan who hung back desperately trying to rub off the Union Jack face paint Jeremy had given him in his sleep.

“Well, at least we’re blending in now,” Jack said. Geoff rolled his eyes and muttered something about how it doesn’t matter now.

“Why’re we here? London Bridge is naff,” Gavin knocked shoulders with a commuter desperately trying to enter the overcrowded station. Jeremy linked their arms together and pulled Gavin close,

“Because we’re in London and it’s a bridge, y’know, of London,”

“If it was so important, why did we go to five other stations beforehand?” Michael said.

“How was I supposed to know that there wasn’t an elephant or a castle. At least this one actually has a bridge.”

“But it is literally just a bridge!” Gavin’s head fell back against his shoulders.

 “Ah, but it’s not just a bridge,” said a gentleman dressed as the grim reaper. Michael had only seconds to think before he had an armful of Gavin Free.

“Flippin’ heck,” Gavin cursed. The actor in front of them smirked at the response he’d elicited. Michael glared at his boyfriend but kept a firm grip as the actor stepped closer to their group.

“The London Bridge has been around for many years and it’s filled with dark secrets of war, fire and even death!” The actor leaned further forward. Ryan only snorted.

“Sounds like a Tuesday,” he said. The actor raised an eyebrow at him but pressed on,

“You can take a trip through time and learn all of the gruesome details at the London Bridge Experience,” the actor continued. Jeremy sucked in a breath, ready to turn to Geoff and beg to go. Before even one word could tumble from his lips, Geoff sighed.

“Fine,” he said.

 The actor perked up and pushed a leaflet into Geoff’s hands.

“If you look behind me you’ll see the box office, where you can pick up your tickets. They’ll give you directions to the attraction but be warned – it’s scaAaAaAry.” The actor waggled their fingers and smiled at the group. Geoff simply pushed past him, leading Jack and the rest of his crew across the street. Ryan stopped by the actor, glaring down at him through streaks of red, white and blue.

“Are there any stairs?” Ryan asked. The actor swallowed and slowly shook his head. Ryan suddenly beamed, patting the man on the shoulder and briskly walking to catch up to the others. On the other side, Michael finally dropped Gavin down onto the ground.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Geoff? We all know how much of a scaredy-cat you can be.” Michael nudged his boss’ arm with the most devilish grin painted upon his face.

“I’m fine, I’m the biggest crime boss in Los Santos I’m not going to lose it because of a shitty attract-“

 Geoff shrieked the end of his sentence as a woman popped up from behind the counter.

“’Ello loves, how can I help you?” She didn’t seem to notice the pamphlet shaking in Geoff’s hands.

Under his breath Jeremy whispered,

“Oh my god, she sounds like Gavin.” Gavin slapped the back of his hand, scowling down at the small little smile Jeremy graced him with in return.

“We’d like to get tickets to the London Bridge Experience please,” Jack pushed Geoff out of the way to lean on the counter.

“Of course my loves, what time?” The woman’s fingers tapped over a keyboard.

“Oh, well, let me check,” Jack looked down at the new sparkly watch Geoff had bought her just yesterday that matched her new earrings. “It’s 11am,” she said. The woman looked back, puzzled.

“Yes, I know but what time would you like to take the tour?” She asked. Jack’s mouth opened in realisation. She let herself laugh at her own stupidity as Geoff cackled in the background. He choked on his laughter after a swift heel to the nuts.

“When’s the next tour?” Jack smiled sweetly as if she hadn’t castrated her own boyfriend. The woman before her chose to ignore it but the slight smirk on her lips suggested she saw.

 “Oh, it’s actually in about fifteen minutes. Would you like to buy tickets to that one?” Jack nodded at the lady. The faster they did this the faster Jeremy would shut up. “Well, for six of you it will cost £19.99 per person, so it will cost £119.70 for your whole group.” Behind Jack, Geoff mouthed the price and grabbed Jack’s wrist for support. The lady continued, “you can also opt for the ultra fast pass which includes a personalised gift and souvenir for only £30.00 more per person!” Jeremy turned to Geoff, his eyes wide and already watering as he prepared the longest, most affectionate declaration of love in an attempt to get their boss to agree. Geoff didn’t wait to hear it and with one shake of the head, it was decided.

“We’ll just take the normal tickets please,” Jack said. The woman started to tell them about some other offers they could take but she was shot down.

“Okay, the final price is £119.70 then for your whole group,” she beamed.

 Geoff was having trouble breathing as Jack pulled out his credit card to pay for it all. Gavin, in an effort to make up for yesterday’s disaster, nudged Jack out of the way.

“Well love,” Gavin pulled his golden glasses down just slightly so that she could see his dazzling eyes, “’m sure that you could give us a better deal than that, knock off a few bob for us,” Gavin purred.

“Bloody Americans, always mocking us,” she muttered before composing herself, “No, sorry. This is the best deal I can give you.” Gavin stumbled backwards into Michael’s arms. Michael looked down at him as Gavin stared straight up and looked right through him.

“Are you alright there Gav?” Michael tried to get him stand upright. Gavin lay limp in his arms.

“S-S-She called me American,” Gavin spat.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” Michael glanced towards Jack as she collected their tickets.

“It’s the worst thing she could call me Michael!”

“Fuck you,” Michael dropped his boyfriend.

 Jack turned around at that point and raised an eyebrow as Gavin sat up and rubbed his arse.

“Michael, Gavin – stop fighting or you’ll have to go back to the hotel,” Jack said.

“Oh thank god,” Michael turned on his heel, ready to leave. Jeremy snatched up his hand and held him back. He dragged Michael along behind Jack as she led the way to the attraction’s entrance.

“It’ll be fun, Michael,” Jeremy reassured but Michael wasn’t convinced. If only there had been an elephant and a castle, they wouldn’t have to drag Geoff around the scary attraction.

“Yeah, Michael it’ll be fun,” Gavin prodded Michael’s shoulder. Michael shook him off.

“I give it five minutes until you’ve wet your pants, Ryan’s punched an actor and Geoff’s on a plane back to Los Santos,” Michael said.

“I’m not scared Michael,” Gavin said.

 Under the bridge, where the attraction’s entrance lay, they were greeted with some eerie children’s rhyme. Michael didn’t miss the way Gavin suddenly took a hold of his hand, squeezing just slightly as the music grew louder. Geoff was actively trying to pull away from Jack, muttering “no, no, no,” underneath his breath. Jeremy dropped Michael’s hand to grab Ryan’s instead and the pair danced along to the eerie tune. At the entrance, Geoff’s protests picked up and he was leaning away from Jack with all of his might.

“Geoff you can do this, it’s just a tour. You’re the biggest crime boss in Los Santos, remember?” Jack said. Geoff shook his head wildly side to side.

“That doesn’t matter here Jack, that man said it was gonna be scAaAaAry and you and I know, I don’t do scary.” Jack shoved him inside, moving him towards the ticket booth. She glanced backwards to check they were all still there.

 Gavin and Jack boxed Geoff in and kept him in one place as Jack handed their tickets over.

“Oh, looks like we’ve got two big groups going on this tour today. That’s good, less of a chance you’ll get picked, eh.” The teenager behind the ticket booth said. Jack nodded, thankful that Geoff stood a chance at surviving the tour. She pushed him through the turnstile and instantly regretted it.

“Jack, Jack – what the fuck is that? Why is it looking at me?” Geoff tried to run past her and back through the turnstile but Jack stood firm and pushed him forward.

“It’s just a puppet Geoff, it can’t hurt you. It’s not going to hurt you,” Jack said though even she shivered as she walked past it. Gavin buried his head in Michael’s shoulder as they walked through. Jeremy admired the puppet and pointed it out to Ryan. Ryan smiled at it.

“So where’s this other group then,” Michael said as he leaned against the wall. Gavin tucked himself against his side, “I bet they’ve chickened out.”

 Barely seconds after the accusation had left his lips, their ears perked up as the other group entered.

“Did we all make it? Let’s see: Elyse, James, Lawrence, Bruce, Peake? Where’s Peake?” Adam cupped his hands over his mouth yelling, “Peake!”

“I’m here, I’m here,” Peake stepped past James and Elyse so that Adam could see him.

“Oh thank god, I thought we’d lost you,” Adam wrapped his arms around Peake’s shoulders and pulled him close. The teenager in the ticket booth cleared his throat,

“Could I see your tickets, sir?” He asked. Adam pulled away from Peake and clapped his hands together.

“Of course…” Adam looked at Elyse, “tickets?” The blonde woman shook her head.

“Not me, I thought Bruce had them,” she looked up at Bruce who threw both hands to the side and shrugged.

“I thought James had them,” Bruce said but even James shook his head and pat down his pockets.

“Here,” Peake slipped the teenager their tickets.

 They eventually made it through the turnstile and Adam walked backwards as he explained to his crew that this was the best thing that they could do since their plans had fallen through.

“Look, we’re criminals in England with nothing to do, we might as well blend in and do touristy things,” He almost tripped over his own foot as he tried to follow the winding path of the queue.

“You’re not doing a very good job of it, look at you, you look like shit!” Geoff jabbed an accusing finger in their rival crew’s direction. Adam shrieked and fell backwards, toppling into Michael’s unwilling arms. The Jersey man groaned as he pushed Adam off of him.

“Seriously? Is this how it’s gonna be?”

 “What are you guys doing here?” Elyse grabbed Jack’s hand and kissed her knuckles, “nice earrings!” Jack pushed her earlobe forward to give Elyse a better look.

“Michael got them for me at the Tower of London, aren’t they beautiful?” Jack said. James rubbed circles around Adam’s back, whispering reassurances into his boyfriend’s ear.

“Tower of London? We were going to head there to steal the crown jewels but it’s been on lock down since yesterday,” Bruce said. Jack quickly glanced towards the teenager in the ticket booth but was relieved to see he’d slipped some earphones in.

“Yeah, well, it’s because we were there to steal the crown jewels.” Geoff puffed up his chest.

“Oh cool, did you get them?” Bruce raised his eyebrow in Geoff’s direction. Geoff deflated.

“No because Gavin just had to have some stupid golden gun.”

“Ah, well, we’ll get them next time.” Bruce smirked.

“Shame we didn’t get to go though, I quite enjoy all that historical stuff,” Lawrence said.

 It was like a switch had been flipped and suddenly Jeremy was upon him, jumping up and down on the spot as he pulled out Michael’s phone.

“Aw man, you missed out – it was so, so awesome like there was a gun dragon, a gun dragon! And, and like, I watched this thing right, you’ll never believe who managed to breach the tower.” Lawrence listened with the occasional nod, entranced by Jeremy’s re-enactment of the day. His boyfriends were less enthused and at times, Ryan mouthed along with Jeremy’s words as he knew the account by heart. Before Jeremy could explain how badly their heist had failed, the tour guide had come to collect them. She slunk through the shadows and then suddenly appeared. As Geoff and Adam screamed in unison, Michael found himself once again carrying Gavin.

“Geoff, why are we acting like tourists?” Jack asked. Geoff scoffed as they walked past what felt like the 100th suit of armour Jack had seen all day.

“Tourists? We’re not tourists,” Geoff’s eyes never left the display case.

“Really? Then why’s Jeremy wearing an ‘I heart London’ sweatshirt?” Jack gestured back to the man.

“He’s blending in,” Geoff said. It was Jack’s turn to scoff. She’d hardly say that Jeremy, with his bright hair and even brighter sweatshirt, was blending in. None of the crew were exactly nondescript today. Between Gavin’s golden sunglasses, Geoff’s ridiculous moustache, Michael’s diamond-encrusted phone that he wouldn’t look up from and Ryan’s blood-stained leather jacket they stuck out like sore thumbs. Even Jack herself drew attention in her bright Hawaiian shirt.

“What’s the point? We’re just walking around this dumb castle.” Jack folded her arms. Geoff swivelled around on the balls of his feet, grinning back at Jack.

“We’re on a heist!” Geoff clapped his hands together.

 “To steal what?” Jack couldn’t believe this. What was Geoff expecting to take out of here other than some cheaply made and overpriced souvenirs?

“The Crown Jewels.” Geoff acted as though he could see the words spelt in front of him, waving his hands through the air. Jack nearly choked.

“That’s not something you can just do, Geoff. It’s the middle of the day, this place is littered with security. You can’t just plop a crown on your head and stroll out. We don’t even have a plan!” Jack fought the urge to reach out and just slap him. It just wasn’t the time and place. Later, definitely later.

“I have a plan,” Geoff said. He shuffled forward with the crowd of actual tourists. He admired the different pieces of armour. If they had the manpower, he swore he’d take it all.

 Jack tripped over her own foot when Jeremy pushed up against her back. He leaned against her shoulder to peer into one of the display cases she’d been blocking.

“Jeremy, did you know of Geoff’s plan to steal the crown jewels?” Jack stared down at him.

“No? But sweet, I’m down for that,” Jeremy said.  Jack nudged Geoff’s arm.

“Clearly neither of you have been listening then, I’ve been going on about it for ages,” Geoff admired the chest plate in front of him.

“You haven’t said shit, Geoff. You got us up at some god-awful time this morning and dragged us here. If it was the crown jewels you wanted, you should have said and we could have planned.” Jack pinched the bridge of her nose. How did this man rule Los Santos and stay this care free?

“Don’t worry,” Geoff clasped Jack’s shoulders, “I. have. A. plan.”

 Shuffling a few cases behind, both Gavin and Michael were oblivious to the whole thing. Ryan had ditched them to lean against an empty wall and people watch instead.

“Michael,” Gavin slapped Michael’s shoulder, “look, Michael – it’s Jeremy-sized armour.” Michael made a noise somewhere in between a grunt and ‘sure’ but kept his eyes glued to his phone. Gavin huffed and glanced around the room. When he spotted Jeremy in the crowd, he waved him over. Jeremy bounded towards the pair, beaming up at Gavin.

“What? What’s up?” Jeremy asked. Gavin pointed to the case. There, standing beside a full-sized suit to make the size difference more apparent, was armour supposedly made for a dwarf. At least, that’s what the plaque said. It was so small it could fit a five-year-old boy and had a little dragon atop the helmet.

“It’s your size.” Gavin snickered.

“Aw,” Jeremy’s smile fell, “why you gotta do that to me Gavin?”

 Gavin barely managed to utter out the first word of his usual retort (“it’s because you’re short, Jeremy!”) before Geoff and Jack were beckoning them towards the next room. Gavin turned, locked eyes with Ryan, and nodded towards the pair. Ryan pushed himself up off of the wall and walked towards them. When he saw that they had to walk up the third flight of stairs that hour, he let out a deep sigh.

“Couldn’t they just install elevators?” Ryan stomped up each wooden step.

“Why, getting a little tired Rye-bread?” Michael nudged Ryan’s arm. Ryan growled back at him.

“Don’t worry Ryan, look – it’s your favourite things, weapons!” Jeremy grabbed Ryan’s hand and pulled him into the room. Ryan let his feet drag against the floor.

“My favourite things are torture devices,” Ryan said.

 Michael and Gavin stayed close behind. Michael placed his hand upon Ryan’s shoulder so that he didn’t disappear into the crowd.

“But look, this one’s a pistol from the seventies and it’s all gold and sparkly and it’s been used to murder someone!” Jeremy elbowed Ryan’s arm and wagged his eyebrows up and down.

“Wow,” Gavin breathed against the glass it was held behind. He reached up and caressed the screen. Jeremy had already dragged Ryan along, moving down the cases and gazing at all the other trinkets. He stopped and snorted at a full head helmet that had a beak-like shape to its mouth.

“Hey, Gavin – maybe your nose could fit in there, right bud?” Jeremy said.

“Sure, Jeremy.” Gavin’s eyes were fixated on that golden gun. He lifted his sunglasses to the top of his head so that he could bask in all of its glory.

 Up ahead, Jack was breathing down Geoff’s neck as he tried to look at all of the exhibits.

“If we were going to steal the crown jewels, why haven’t we done it yet?” Jack hounded.

“I told you,” Geoff stepped away from her, “we’re blending in.” Jack’s head fell back against her shoulders. She let out a long, guttural groan that drew the attention of quite a few actual tourists.

“Can’t we just get to the fun part, Mr-I-Have-A-Plan?” Jack slung her arm across Geoff’s shoulder, pouting up at him and fluttering her eyelashes in a way that she knew would melt his heart. Geoff tried to look anywhere but at her but he could spy her in the reflection of the exhibit cases.

“Fine, we’ll rush through the rest of this tower and just get on with it,” Geoff said. Under his breath he couldn’t help but add, “that’s not part of my plan though.” Jack pretended not to hear him.

 They waited at the bottom of the stairs that would lead them to the next floor. As everyone else started to climb, Michael now clinging to Geoff’s shoulder, Ryan came to a dead halt at the bottom of them. He glared at the spiralling staircase and crossed his arms over his chest.

“No,” he said. Jeremy laughed above him, offering his hand out.

“C’mon Ryan, we’re going to steal the Queen’s crown soon.” Jeremy wriggled his fingers to entice Ryan into coming with him. Ryan raised an eyebrow.

“For me?” He placed a hand upon his chest. Jeremy shook his head.

“I think it’s for Geoff.” Jeremy shrugged. Geoff took the nickname “kingpin” a little too seriously. Ryan suddenly lurched up the stairs.

“That’s my crown.” He shoved Jeremy aside and shouldered past the rest of the crew.

“Stick to the right, Ryan!” Jack called after him as he rushed past poor tourists.

“Fuck the rules,” Ryan said.

 At the top of the stairs Ryan pushed the palms of his hands deep into his knees. He heaved out each breath as he looked up at the display in front of him.

“That’s not a crown,” Ryan said. He almost toppled sideward as Jeremy elbowed him out of the way.

“No, that’s a dragon. A dragon made out of, oh my god, guns. It’s a gun-dragon. Geoff, fuck the crown I want the gun-dragon. This is so much cooler than some dusty old hat. Can we take this instead? Please, please Geoff, please?” Jeremy hopped from one foot to the next. He clasped his hands under his chin and made his eyes impossibly wide.

“What? No Jeremy. We’re getting my crown,” Geoff snapped. He smacked Jeremy on the back of the head, “never call it a dusty old hat ever again or I’ll make you clean for five hours every day.”

“Fine,” Jeremy pouted, “but we’re taking a selfie with it.”

 Jeremy bounded over to Michael, snatching the phone from his clawed grip. Before Michael could take it back Jeremy had closed the game he’d been playing and opened the man’s camera. He held the phone as high as his arm could take it which wasn’t quite high enough to fit the entire dragon in. Jack took it from him, raising it further and managing to get the whole display in. She handed the phone back to Jeremy so that he could see the picture. Jack had managed to get everyone in. She and the top of Jeremy’s head were at the very front of the frame. Michael was glaring over their shoulders and staring directly into the camera. Geoff had his back to them all as he looked up at the magnificent gun-dragon. Ryan was still slouched over and slightly blurred thanks to his laboured breathing.

“Where’s Gavin?” Jeremy squinted at the photo. He was nowhere to be seen.

 “I bet he’s already following the plan,” Geoff nodded. He started strolling further into the room.

“What plan? So far, all you’ve got is: go to the Tower of London, take the crown and go home.” Jack threw her arms up into the air. “Someone already succeeded in that.”

“No they didn’t, the crown jewels are still here dumb-dumb.” Geoff tapped Jack on her forehead.

“They got caught, dumb-dumb,” Jack smacked Geoff’s hand away, “and the king found it so funny he granted the man lands and shit.”

“How did you know that?” Geoff rubbed the tip of his finger.

“I’ve been reading the signs, Geoffrey. You know, leaning things.” Jack glared at her boss.

“Ah,” Geoff said, “you’ve been blending in.” He pat Jack’s shoulder.

“Honestly, if I could just unlock one of these cases, take a gun and shoot you I would,” Jack said.

 Michael, having lost his phone to Jeremy and his dragon-obsession, stood and watched the pair bicker back and forth. He tried to hide his smile behind his hand but the glee reached his eyes and made it clear how funny he thought this all was. He didn’t care for all of this old crap but he had to admit that having a crown, especially one stolen from Gavin-country, would be pretty cool.

“I’ll do it,” Ryan whispered into Michael’s ear.

“Do what?” Michael turned towards the other man but didn’t dare take his eyes from the arguing pair in front of him. Geoff was currently mansplaining to Jack how no, she couldn’t do that because that would compromise the whole heist and then what would they have? Nothing to show for themselves that’s what.

“Take a gun and shoot Geoff,” Ryan said. Michael turned away then, gaping up at him.

“What the fuck Ryan? He’s our boss!” Michael laid his hand across his chest.

“I want that crown,” Ryan shrugged.

 Michael shook his head. Jeremy had finally joined them. He looked lovingly down at Michael’s phone, flicking absent-mindedly through the pictures he’d just taken. Michael scoffed at him. He strode towards Jack and Geoff. Placing a hand on each of their shoulders Michael pushed the pair away from one another. They went quiet as he looked at them one-by-one.

“Mom, Dad – stop fighting,” Michael said. “Let’s just go and get us a crown, okay?” Michael nodded slowly. Geoff started to mimic him and, after a few long seconds, Jack begrudgingly copied him too. Michael led them towards the stairs that would take them down and, hopefully, out towards where the crown jewels were held.

 They fell into step behind rows and rows of tourists, both English and international alike. Michael held his head up high as they trudged down the stairs. Geoff was right behind him. He kept edging out away from the wall to try and overtake Michael and resume his rightful place at the head of his little pack. Michael, with the slyest of grins, kept inching out at the same time to keep Geoff from getting anywhere.

“These stairs are never ending,” Ryan fell down each step with a heavy thump. Jack was chewing holes into her bottom lip behind him. She kept clenching and unclenching her fingers. Her manicured nails left indents in her palms. With each step she couldn’t help but imagine a new scenario where the heist went wrong. They hadn’t bought anything more than a pistol each and, unless Geoff had an arsenal of weapons stuffed in his pants, they were unprepared. This was going to go horribly wrong, she knew it. Even if they succeeded, Jack was sure that when they were inevitably caught the Queen wasn’t going to laugh at them and grant them all lands and titles. In fact, Jack knew that she’d definitely not be amused.

 “Finally,” Ryan’s feet were happy to be back on flat ground. He glared over his shoulder at the stairs behind them and frightened a poor old lady who he just happened to make eye contact with. His happiness drained from him when he realised they had another room to trudge through. Geoff, still insisting that they at least try to blend in, stopped and stood at the occasional display. Jeremy skipped from one case to another, caressing the exhibits that were out for him to touch. He read every plaque and, with his newly acquired phone, took as many pictures as he could. He stopped just long enough beside a golden lion next to Jack to say,

“Aw, Gavin would like that.” Jack rolled her eyes but secretly, she agreed. If only Gavin was with them to admire it.

“What exactly is his role in the plan, anyway?” Jack linked her arm with Geoff’s and started to edge him closer to the exit. The sooner they failed this heist, the more time she had on their escape.

“That’s for me to know and you to find out,” Geoff said. Jack shook her head. They were doomed, oh so doomed.

 The final room led to one of the many gift shops the Tower of London had.

“Are you kidding me?” Geoff sighed. “This is just shameful.” The other gift shops he could deal with, sure, they were everywhere but at least you didn’t walk out into them. This was impossible to avoid. Ryan was attracted to a well they’d kept intact. He looked down it.

“If I have to climb anymore stairs, I’m throwing myself down this.” Ryan muttered mostly to himself. He skim-read one sentence of the plaque before realising he really didn’t care and pushed away from it to the follow the others.

“Oo, look – a chalice!” Michael held the cup up high and admired it. He turned it around in his hand, bumping it against Geoff’s knuckles, “cheers.” Geoff rolled his eyes.

“We don’t need any of this cheap crap, let’s go and get us a crown.”

 Geoff marched his crew past the two cashiers and out of the shop. Jeremy tried to stop at one of the small exhibits but Geoff kept going and he had no choice but to follow.

“Nope,” Ryan swivelled around and headed towards the well when he saw that to get out of the building he had to climb another flight of stairs. Jack caught him and dragged him back. “Fucking stairs,” Ryan said through gritted teeth. As they went through the doors to the outside, the entrance to their prize.

“The Crown Jewels,” Geoff said and this time when he gestured with his hands there really were words that appeared between them.

 Inside, despite being so close to what they wanted, Geoff made them admire the other items in the collection. When Jack questioned why they were stalling, Geoff kicked up a fuss and went on and on,

“Blending in – I know, I know.” Jack rolled her eyes. She wasn’t sarcastic for long. They passed through the hall showcasing the staffs used in each coronation and entered the room where they kept Queen Elizabeth II’s coronation cloak.

“I want it,” Jack pressed herself up against the glass. It was gorgeous, beautifully ornate and so over the top. It would weigh a ton but Jack would have gladly bore the weight,” please, Geoff, can I have it?” When Geoff shook his head and told her it wasn’t as important as his precious crown, Jack stomped her foot against the ground.

“You never let me have nice things. It’s always for you, all the jewellery and the money,” Jack said.

“I got you that cargo bob like a month ago,” Geoff said.

“I want the pretty cloak.” Jack pointed.

“Next time.” Geoff waved her away with his hand.

 He walked and left Jack to whimper over the exhibit. Jeremy took her hand and tugged gently.

“C’mon, like Geoff said we could get it next time,” Jeremy said.

“But I want it now,” Jack sighed.

“I know and you’d look gorgeous in it but, next time. Right now we’ve got to keep Ryan from punching a hole in the glass and stealing all the other monarch’s crowns.” Jeremy nodded in Ryan’s direction. He was gliding along a small conveyer belt that brought him by the coronation crowns of Kings and Queens past. He licked at his lips as he imagined each one perched upon his head. He was starting to freak the other tourists out as they stood beside him.

“I am the mad king,” he whispered over and over to himself. Geoff joined him on the belt and cupped his shoulder.

“Yeah you are buddy, yeah you are,” he said.

 The Queen’s coronation crown seemed to sing to them all as it sat perched in its little display. Jack was very away of all the beefeaters watching them. She swallowed as they approached. She could see the appeal, its deep purple colour and all of those sparkling jewels. It was theirs for the taking, all they needed to do was execute Geoff’s plan and maybe they could be royals. Ryan sucked in a deep breath as he circled around the case. He looked like a lion stalking its prey. Geoff hung back, merely admiring the beautiful jewel from afar. Jeremy stood with his mouth wide open. This beat a wad of money any day. Jeremy would give up all he’d earned to just touch it. He reached out, fingers twitching as he thought of how velvety soft it would be. It was time to take it. It was time to get what they’d come for.

 Except they never got the chance. Geoff leapt out of his skin as the speakers started to wail. The beefeaters around them began to close in around the crown. The door that should have been their exit started to disappear, replaced by a metal sheet.

“Fuck,” Geoff screeched, “run!” He yelled. He darted for the door and the rest of his crew bolted with him. Jeremy slid underneath because, well, why not? Jack yanked him up off of the floor and pulled him forward. They weren’t the only ones running for their lives. Terrified tourists tore through the rooms of the building in an effort to get away for the chaos. It wasn’t hard for them to “blend in, blend in, blend in!” even as Geoff yelled it over and over above the noise. They burst out of the building and infiltrated the crowds in the courtyard.

 In the light of day, there was nothing out of the ordinary. The Crown Jewels were closed, yes, but there were still tours going on and selfies being taken by the towers. It seemed, to Geoff at least, they were trying to just lock down the important places and not create a panic. Yet Geoff was barely breathing and his legs never stopped they just ran and ran and ran. His heart hammered against his ribcage so violently Geoff was worried it would start sprinting ahead of himself. Jack had grabbed his hand. She squeezed it, hard. In the second Geoff chanced to look back at her it ripped him apart. Her eyes were bulging out of her skull and she seemed to be having the same trouble breathing. Her other hand was practically ripping Jeremy’s hood from his sweatshirt as she pulled him along. When they got out, Geoff would have a lot of apologising to do.

 Ryan was right at their heels. Then suddenly he stopped and stumbled backwards. Tucked underneath some baboon sculptures sat a little ice cream stall, undisturbed by the chaos Ryan had just escaped. He waltzed right up to it and, with a handful of coins he’d fished from Gavin’s pocket upon landing in England, he bought himself an ice cream cone with a chocolate flake inside. He nodded to the sweet lady who’d served him. Ryan strolled to a bench and took a seat, relaxing against the wood. He propped his feet up across the seat to deter others from sitting beside him. For the first time since the morning, Ryan took a moment to just enjoy himself and bask in the glory that was the Tower of London.

 Geoff, Jack and Jeremy just kept on running. They got caught up in a crowd of people following an odd, short little man banging a drum and a man baring the English flag on a rather large pole. Jack kept Geoff from running any further as she kept her vice-like grip upon his hand. She shared a look with him and Geoff decided to follow her lead. She’d always known best and well, it was the closest they’d had to a plan all day.

“How did he know?” Geoff hissed to his two remaining companions.

“Well,” Jeremy re-adjusted his hood, “we weren’t exactly keeping it quiet.” Geoff sucked his teeth. He opened his mouth to say more but Jeremy held his finger to his lip, nodding to the man they’d followed as he started to talk.

 Geoff didn’t really follow the story as another actor in a ridiculous purple garb met with them right by the exit. He started spewing some crap about cannons and some other king and pirates? It didn’t really matter. Their exit was right there, ready for them to just walk through and leave. Geoff nudged Jack’s arm and nodded towards it. She nodded back. She looked calmer, better. Geoff just snorted as he introduced himself as Thomas Neville. What kind of a name was that? He startled for the second time that day when suddenly Jeremy screamed out with the crowd,

“Stand!” Geoff frowned down at him. The drum man seemed happy with this mob mentality and started to lead the crowd away. Geoff peeled away from them and strolled through the exit.

“Jeremy,” Jack called out, “c’mon.” She waved towards the exit.

“No, I want to know the rest of it – I want to know who’s going to get into the Tower of London, can’t I just meet you outside? I won’t be long, promise!” Jeremy pleaded. Jack shrugged. “Thanks Jack!”

 Leaning against the barrier keeping them from the Thames, Gavin stood waiting for them. He opened his arms wide for Geoff to walk into.

“Fuck,” Geoff spat onto the ground by Gavin’s feet, “fuck, fuck, fuck.” Geoff pounded the side of his thigh. Gavin withdrew his arms until they crossed against his chest.

“What’s got your knickers in a twist?” Gavin shuffled away from Geoff. Geoff started to pace back and forth the path. He halted as Jack stepped into his way. His head reeled backwards as the knuckles of her fist collided with his cheek. She hissed as she withdrew, shaking her hand back and forth.

“You never had a plan, did you?” Jack stepped into Geoff’s line of vision as he tried to look away.

“Not exactly… but we got out, didn’t we?” Geoff tried to smile at her. It didn’t quite reach one side of his mouth which was starting to sting quite a lot.

“Without a crown and without that gorgeous gown, thanks to you. Next time you want to plan an impromptu heist, pick a convenience store.” It was Jack’s turn to spit at the ground. Gavin gagged as it splattered onto his shoe.

 The three of them looked back at the exit when they heard a whirring noise approach. Ryan came rolling towards them. He was leaning back against the seat of a mobility scooter with his feet hanging over the handlebars and resting inside the cute little wire basket. He held a half-eaten ice cream cone in his hand. He twirled the treat around as his tongue daintily licked its edges. He rocked forward slightly as his scooter stopped.

“Ryan,” Geoff said, “Ryan, why do you have a mobility scooter?”

“Someone had to actually steal something, didn’t they?” Ryan took a nice, long lick of his ice cream.

“Well, actually,” Gavin started to say as he reached into his pocket.

 He didn’t quite get to finish his sentence as Michael strolled over to them holding some golden bags.

“There you guys are! Dude, shit got crazy in that gift shop. They started searching errbody, there was this loud alarm and everything. I had to get touched up by one o’ them porkeaters or whatever they’re called. It was gross.” Michael shivered at the end, the phantom touch of the greying old man still lingering on his skin. He regarded Ryan with a raised brow, “why’re you in a scooter? Did your brittle old man bones break on the stairs out?” He laughed as Ryan made a cheap swipe to his balls.

“I didn’t want to leave empty handed,” Ryan said. Michael pat his head.

“Aw, no crown for the big bad king?” Michael cooed. Ryan corrected him under his breath, “don’t worry, I got everybody gifts!” Michael raised his bags high up into the air.

 The group flocked towards him, Ryan rolling just that little bit closer. Michael reached inside, rustling a little at first just to rile them up. He pulled out his first item, an over-sized flask with a fancy royal coat of arms hand-etched into the side. He handed it to Geoff with a flourish and a tiny bow. Geoff scoffed and snatched it away, twisting it side to side. It was all right… wasn’t a crown though. Michael rustled the bag once more, shaking free a tin with a cute little sketch of the Tower of London on the side.

“Toffees, for the sweet tooth.” Michael dropped them into Ryan’s basket. Ryan sucked in a very large breath and vacuumed up what remained of his ice cream cone. He ignored everyone’s scrunched up expressions of disgust and Gavin’s delighted giggle at the little blob of white on the bottom of his lip. Ryan clapped the tin between his hands and wrestled the lid free. He sniffed at the toffees. Content, Ryan flashed Michael a thumbs up.

 Michael reached into the bag for the next gift. He almost lost them all to the river as somebody pushed into him from behind. The stranger gripped his shoulders and shook him side to side before revealing himself through his voice.

“Guys, guys – oh my god you’ll never guess who got through? It was the peasants! The peasants were the ones that succeeded in defeating the tower. Not Thomas Neville with his cannons and his pirates or that big welsh guy who threw stuff at us and man, he almost killed someone it was great, but no, not even him. This peasant woman just came in and like, fucking, she fucking beheaded someone!” Jeremy buzzed around the entire crew. His flapping arms almost blinded poor Ryan and his erratic feet stood on almost everybody’s shoes.

“Jeremy!” Michael clamped his hands on Jeremy’s arms and pressed them to his side. Jeremy’s tongue fell out as he panted in an attempt to catch the breath he’d wasted rambling away.

 Michael eased one hand away from Jeremy’s arm. He stared intently into Jeremy’s eyes as a warning to keep still. Jeremy watched him as Michael pulled something out of his golden bag. His little eyes lit up as Michael manoeuvred one of his arms and twisted his hand so that his palm went upwards. Michael plopped a small cannon into his hand.

“Oh man, just like Thomas Neville’s!” Jeremy beamed. Michael nodded, pressing his finger to Jeremy’s lips and pressing gently. Jeremy swallowed. Michael ruffled his hair and side-stepped him. Jeremy ran the cannon back and forth across his hand. He noticed it had a small hole and, after peering inside, discovered it was actually a sharpener. Jeremy’s lips silently mouthed ‘wow’ and he showed his new toy to Ryan. Ryan nodded and smiled in a way parents do after their child showed them a crap drawing but they have to pretend it’s great.

 Michael took Jack’s hand into his own and did the same as he did with Jeremy’s, twisting it over and slipping a pretty little box into her hand but not before he’d kissed her reddened knuckles.

“For the beautiful Queen,” Michael said. Jack popped the box open and gasped. Michael had given her such beautiful tudor-style earrings. They weren’t quite the coronation gown she deserved but she appreciated them anyway. She guided Michael’s face to hers and kissed his cheek.

“Now that’s a man who knows how to treat his woman,” Jack said.

“I stole you that cargo bob!” Geoff protested.

“Geoffrey, please, I didn’t steal these. I bought them with pow-nds,” Michael said. Geoff gargled some phlegm in his throat. He held the flask Michael had gotten him and dropped it off into the Thames. Michael watched it as it splashed and sunk into the water. “What the fuck, Geoff?”

“Next time, you steal it – like a real criminal.” Geoff folded his arms.

 Michael glared at him. He twisted away from Geoff and walked to Gavin instead.

“For my boi, I got you this.” Michael pulled out easily the biggest item he’d bought. It was a bow meant for children, made from wood and string. It came with one harmless arrow.

“Nah, that’s all right boi. I’ve got my own souvenir.” Gavin reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun. The gun. It shined in the daylight and sent the crew into stunned silence. Gavin marvelled at it, running his thumb lovingly up the side of the barrel.

“Is that… is that from the White Tower?” Michael choked out. He slipped it from Gavin’s hands, dropping the wooden bow onto the ground. It had weight to it and felt amazing in Michael’s hands.

“Yeah, what did you think the alarms were for? Turns out you can, if you sweet-talk a steward, knock them out and steal their keys, just open up the case and take a gun,” Gavin said.

 “I lost my crown… for your gun?” Geoff’s hand clenched into a fist. Gavin took the gun back from Michael and cradled it against your chest.

“I’m sorry Geoff, I didn’t know you wanted the crown…” Gavin took a step back away from his boss.

“You lost your crown? I earned that crown through sweat, tears and more sweat. Look at me! I’m a cripple because you wanted to bleeeeeeend in and I had to walk and walk and walk up those stairs for what? An ice cream and a tin of toffees? Fuck you; that was my crown.” Ryan jabbed his finger in Geoff’s direction.

“You’re not a cripple,” Michael scoffed. Ryan tried, and failed, to rev the engine of his new transportation to prove his point. It only brought a bigger smile to Michael’s face.

  “It’s nobody’s crown. Let’s just go, okay? Gavin got his gun, we got some beautiful gifts from Michael and we had a fun day being tourists,” Jack stood between Ryan and Geoff.

“Yeah, it was fun. I want to do more tourist stuff!” Jeremy clapped his hands together. There was a beat of silence and then Gavin pointed to the left towards the Tower Bridge,

“The London Eye is just over that,” Gavin suggested. He was met with some mutterings of agreement. Ryan squinted at the shape. He saw that there were more stairs to be climbed. Instead of accepting his fate, Ryan put his scooter in reverse. He slowly rolled backwards as it beeped erratically. Then he set it to drive and turned in the opposite direction. When the others called back to him, Ryan showed them his middle finger.

 “Well, guess we’re going this way,” Jack said. She started to follow Ryan. Jeremy trudged next to her, pouting and grumbling about how Ryan never let him do anything fun and how he always has to be so broody and serious. Jack swung her arm over his shoulder and pulled him close, “we’ll do something touristy tomorrow I promise. No heists. Anything we get, we pay for.” Jack pressed their foreheads together, “deal?” Jeremy nodded back.

“I lost my souvenir.” Geoff kicked the pavement. Michael rolled his eyes.