I really feel like my obsession over ships and fanfiction comes, at least in part from my own difficulties with romance.
I have been out as queer for most of my life because I'm lucky to have such a respectful family, and yet I still really struggle with labeling myself as aromantic or arospec. A lot of the stress comes from not entirely knowing if what I'm feeling really counts.
I do like being in love, I like flirting, I like pining over people, I typically enjoy dating, or at least I don't like not being with someone. But at most points, I just don't really see a difference. I love my partners in the same way I love my best friends. I'd be happy to spend the rest of my life with them, I'd even kiss them if it was socially acceptable.
And it feels like just as much as I enjoy the typical parts of a relationship, I also hate them. I find myself getting irritated at the people who I am seeing for simply expressing that they love me. It feels so wrong because they're being kind, but it doesn't make me happy. It just makes me want to be away from them. After expressing this to several people, they tell me, "You just haven't met the right one yet." And maybe that's correct, but it's so disheartening. I want the fun, cute relationship things in theory, but I hate it in practice, and it's so unfair to the people I date.
It also feels like such a heavy label. I can not imagine meeting someone I genuinely adore and having to explain to them that sometimes I just can't love them and that I can't see a difference between them and my close friends. So I just power through it until I get so miserable that I push them away.
In media, though... I love romance media, and I love seeing the unrealistic confessions and the cutesy moments. The point in the story where they finally admit to liking the other? That's everything to me! If I experienced it, I'd probably die from embarrassing, but when it isn't me, it's like...
WOAH!!!
I wish feeling the love of a real person made me that happy, and I wish I really understood what was happening with me so I could at least know how to work with it.
