#foolstask

“if you’re wondering what we’re doing today, we’re building a playground. my villagers need a fun place to go to, and so we’re making it!”

“we’re also here today because i’ve got some shit to say… again.” mike grinned once again. “i’ve made a list of things that… well, they need to change. and some things i’m just not vibing with but they can’t change… does that make sense?”

“first on the list: nintendo! please!!! for the love of god!! let me fucking craft multiples of the same item at the same time!!!” he said with frustration, meanwhile his pink haired character was putting down a path on the ground. “okay, listen. the fishing and bug tourneys are two of my favorite events in the game. heck, i even time travel just to play them again with my friends. but the fishing tourney is the worst to play when you gotta go collect clams last minute and make some fish bait and then your friend beats you to the diy table, and then you gotta wait for them to finish crafting their 20 fish bait one at a time. like, dude… the event has ended by the time i got to make the darn bait.”

“speaking of crafting, i would really fucking love it if i could craft in my house and i don’t have to grab things from my storage to do so. the pain of going to the diy table, finding the diy you want, and then realizing you don’t have everything in your inventory, so you have to click out and grab shit from your storage again… it’s not that hard to fix!”

“anyways,” he sighed as he put down some country fences. “my list included the very limited design slots. however, i don’t have to annoy you with my whining about that today because holy shit, the new update?! the extra 50 slots?? i actually lost my shit.” he laughed. “the fact that we have 100 design slots in total? i feel too powerful and i don’t know what to do with that power. it’s like… i already have all the codes i need for the designs on my island, but the extra 50… they’re so empty… so lonely… i feel like i Must fill them and use them. it’s a struggle… trust me. you must’ve felt it too.”

“next on the list…” an edited zoom on mike’s very traumatized face. “zipper.”

“since we’re currently going through the bunny day event, let me just say… i’m still traumatized by zipper from last year. the fact that i ran into him again the other day… dude, the war flashbacks.” a clip appears of mike playing animal crossing a few days ago where he was casually collecting eggs and sees zipper the bunny in the background, only to scream and run the other way. “this is the bad place.” real time mike deadpanned.

“all i’m saying is, they either change the dude’s creepy eyes, or they get rid of him completely. i’m still having nightmares because of the way he dances and turns towards you as you run by… unpopular opinion, though… the overalls he’s wearing are kinda cute and i wish able sisters were selling them.”

“next!” he says as he puts down a bunch of flowers. “why, oh why, are we limited to eight bridges and inclines?” he paused to think for a moment. “is it eight or seven…? whatever! either way, you’d think tom nook’s greedy ass would let you have more bridges and inclines. meaning: he gets more money! right? no! change it! i need more inclines! i’ve got way too many cliffs and i’m tired of taking out my ladder.”

“okay, this next one, i’ve seen someone say it and... i need it. please, just make a bin in the airport that you can throw your spare diys in and visitors can take them. at least isabelle would stop nagging me about there being items thrown around the place.” 

“speaking of isabelle... make her give the weather report or something. it would be so cute. her currently dialogue at the start of every day is so boring. i want her to tell me about the weather, or maybe about which npcs are visiting that day. it would be so helpful. it’s such a wasted opportunity that she talks to us every morning and only talks about her sock that she found behind the washing machine.” 

“next, the ability to move resident services. listen, some of us don’t have enough space to make epic entrances. moving it would be such a good addition. also, shit, remember when you could change the way the ‘mayor’s office’ looks... or whatever it was called in new leaf. i wish we could do that here.” 

“okay, hear me out... what if backpacks acted as extra storage? like, they’re not just some pretty things you’re wearing. they could give you extra space to hold stuff in your inventory, and that would be so helpful, especially when you’re making a build... like i am right now. speaking of that,” mike opened his inventory in the game, which was completely full of flowers. “i need some help here.” 

“and... last but not least. villager dialogue. did you know that one villager dialogue from new leaf equals at least 3 villager dialogues in new horizons?” he said before dropping his jaw in shock. “how insanely sad is that?? they’re seriously so boring, i want to listen to them talk on and on about something, and i could actually choose where the conversation goes. i don’t know if you noticed, but in new horizons, if a villager asks you something, they just go ‘oh okay’ and end it right there. like...? there’s no substance.” 

by now, mike had finished building his little playground in the game, and his character was walking around, showing it off. “we finished the playground, it’s so cute.” he smiled. “i love it. nintendo, please let the villagers interact with it, it’s too precious!”

“anyways, i’m gonna end it right here-” he paused, looking like he just remembered something. “actually, one more thing. nintendo, imma need you to fix your online service. just get rid of it. no one needs to pay twice to play something; once for the game, and once again for the service. it’s useless as hell.”