#foolishheart

Captain’s log, 202004.26... 2/365 I don’t know where I was at during that era of life nor do I remember the first time I heard 'Foolish Heart’. Steve Perry, former lead singer of Journey, did a marvelous job with co-writing the song, with Randy Goodrum, and vocally delivering the song. I remember my older brother owning another Steve Perry single, “Oh Sherrie”, but this song... This song here is so much better, and I never understood why he never bought the single or owned the album from what I could recall.

@foolisheart sent: “   this  is  something  i  should  have  told  you  long  ago  .   ” ( utahime for momo )

Shoulders slumped a little, the blonde listened to her teacher, still not too impressed, though it wasn't as if her frustrations lay in Utahime.

No, it was Todo mostly, him and his overly macho view of the world, and the fact that Noritoshi played along just irked her to no end. The Jujutsu world was already so much more inclined towards men, with women deemed practically unworthy of even being part of that society. What made her especially angry were the subtle jabs towards Mai. As if the younger girl didn't already have enough on her plate thanks to her family's far too traditional and frankly stuck up views.

Momo heaved a small sigh, the grip on her broom just lightly loosening, the moments before white knuckles turning a normal colour again.

So even though I replied to his email, not right away, I still haven’t heard from him. In my head I didn’t think I would. Still, I thought I’d at least get a sentence or two...? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Nothing. So, ok, message received. 💔

I was hurt-not because of anything he’d done, obviously, but because YET AGAIN, I let my heart lead me down the dark endless abyss of unrequited love. Why? Why do I always do this? Why do I always ALWAYS want what I can’t have & why WHYYYYY can’t I just ONCE have what I really want? But no, I let my heart trip the light fantastic to its own doom. I remember thinking to myself after a couple appointments with him, like, “don’t even go there girl. You’re only going to get yourself hurt. Don’t go down that path. It only ends in complete destruction.” Did I listen? No. I always go down the path because I foolishly think that THIS TIME it will be different.

It never is.

Then...

THEN! On the 10th of January he accepted my friend request on Facebook! WTF?!

Ummm ok...? So if you wanted nothing to do with me, why bother accepting my friend request? And I STILL haven’t got a reply to my email, sooooooo what is the deal? I don’t understand.

Guys! I know it’s been awhile, (I don’t think anyone even really reads this tbh, but hey guys listen!) I heard from him again!

So, like a week before Thanksgiving I sent him a hand written thank you note to thank him for all he did for me to help me walk again.

I didn’t expect to ever hear from him again. That’s not really why I sent the note. I mean I did have a little fantasy that he would write me back or call me or something (like use the return address to come and bring me flowers and ask me to be his girlfriend in person... 🙈) but I knew deep down that that would never happen in a million years. I just honestly wanted to tell him all that I couldn’t say out loud about how grateful I was for everything he did to help me walk again.

Then a couple days ago, about a month later & completely out of the blue, I get an email from him! He said he was sorry he was late in responding but that he did get my note and he wanted to thank me for the kind words & that it “means a lot.” He also responded to some specifics I mentioned, but then he wrote a sentence that has consumed me. I can’t tell if there’s more behind it & I desperately wish I knew. He wrote, “The evenings aren't the same without your family and work stories.”

I feel like the scene in Hamilton when he & Angelica are writing back and forth during Take a Break and she says, “In a letter I received from you two weeks ago I noticed a comma in the middle of a phrase. It changed the meaning, did you intend this? One stroke and you've consumed my waking days, it says: ‘My dearest Angelica’

With a comma after dearest, you've written, ‘My dearest, Angelica’”

I feel like both Schuyler sisters, really. Both helpless and never satisfied.

Is he just being polite? Did he truly enjoy chatting with me but just in a friendly way? Or... dare I hope, that there’s a chance, however minuscule, that he misses me the way I miss him and this is all he’s brave enough to say? I don’t know. All that time we spent together and I could never get a clear read on his confidence level when it came to relationships. He didn’t mention a girlfriend ever, but he has a large number of friends who are girls, and in the context that we interacted in his job he was supremely confident. Yet, something about him seems like if he’s just winging it, if he doesn’t have a rulebook for how things should go... he’s not so self-assured. Maybe that’s just me a little more hoping. I’m sure it is.

He ended with, “Hope you have a great winter and happy holidays.” I’m not sure how to take that either. Does he mean that as just have a good holiday season, hope to hear from you after? Or is it like happy holidays...have a good life & don’t talk to me again? And who says have a great winter? Heehee, he’s so cute. 😍

I don’t know how to respond. I know I want to and I’m going to. Ugh! But what to say? I’m a writer! Surely I can use my gift of words to draw him in more? At least we could be friends?

*sigh* I know, I’m kidding myself. He’s still messaging me from his work email. I’m sure if he were remotely interested in anything more he’d use a personal email or look up/ask for my phone number to text me or something. I know I’m completely over thinking and over analyzing this whole thing. Yes, I know I’m crazy.

What I really am, is hopeless.

“You know I want you. It’s not a secret I tried to hide, but I can’t have you...”