even if my dad didn't abuse me and my mother beyond comprehension, even if he didn't allow me to be abused for financial gain, etc. i was a child. i was 14. i should have been focusing on my freshman year of high school but instead i was up all night on the phone with my dad while he was drunk and telling me how much he hated himself. i had to go through benzodiazepine withdrawals because he stole my medication and would call me high as fuck and i would still have to comfort HIM.
there is not any timeline, not a single universe, where a child should be held responsible for their parents like that. i didn't know what to fucking do. i have blamed myself for so long, i have spent countless nights wondering what life would be like if i did something differently, but i did the best i could. so realizing that other people blame me, too, the anguish and disbelief i feel is. indescribable.
how is it that i wasn't old enough to understand sexuality or politics, or to make choices about my own body and future, but i was plenty old enough to be a crisis counselor for a 45 year old man. i'm glad they're all fucking dead
