#fmfa

The intensity of it terrifies him sometimes, it would if she were a normal girl, it does even more with how things are, when one part of him is always running on the assumption that one day she will disappear, that one say she won’t control it and will run from him again, to never be caught, to never be found again. There are thing that he’s incredibly scared about but all his fears mute and calm when she’s around, as soon as he walks into his apartment, late afternoon after a tiring day of class and she’s right there waiting for him in the couch, a little faded around the edges, but there, she’s there because of him and they can talk and watch tv, she can follow him around the house as he cleans, or sit next to him as he studies, with this cold that follows her and has become reassuring in a way and it feels like home, she feels like home.

And then night comes and she is the last thing he sees before he closes his eyes and the first thing that appears on his mind, in his dreams she is Luna. Fully, completely, wholeheartedly Luna, nothing sets her back from herself, she lights up completely. And she lights him up inside too.

He almost forgets everything that can go wrong here, he just wants to be with her, nothing else matters, he can’t think of anything else and she seems as happy as he is  with every kiss, with every touch, with every moment they share even if she can live only inside his head he couldn’t be happier. He changed completely now that she is on his life and there’s no fighting it, he will never be the same now that he met her and he doesn’t want. He wants her to be a permanent mark on his heart or as permanent as she can be.

Most of the time he doesn’t let himself think of the fact that one day she could just not be there anymore. He doesn’t let himself think of how life without her would be. He is happy.They are happy.

And of course she brings it up. She had been weird this morning, but he didn’t thought much of it, as soon as she appears on his dreams he pulls her into a kiss and as always she kisses him back, standing on her tiptoes, taking her hands to his nape to play with his hair, a small smile always present. There’s nothing really different and he convinces himself her faded out attitude in the morning was something beyond her control, not something that happened because someone was affecting her.

He smiles at her after she pulls away and she gives him a short kiss with a small grin and her eyes shining as always, his heart speeds up and he can’t believe it’s possible to feel so much for someone.

She drags him to the garden, they lay down  on the grass under her favorite tree and lays down on his chest, playing with his fingers and kissing his neck once in awhile, he has never been more at peace and at first it seems like it’s the same for her. It doesn’t last long though, he feels her tense in his arms more than once, he sees how she opens her mouth to say something, how she closes it immediately after. He doesn’t ask, he doesn’t pressure, he waits for her, he will always wait for her.

It takes her time to build the courage but in the end she manages to say:

“I don’t think we should do this anymore.” And he wishes she would have never been brave enough.

He sits up quickly as she pulls away from him, the idea of losing her clutching at his chest, making it hard to breath.

“What?” He manages to ask and the sound of his own voice sounds strange to him, too breathless, too hoarse, too hurt. He tries to stay calm maybe he heard wrong, maybe she doesn’t mean what he thinks she means.

“We shouldn’t keep doing this.” She says gesturing between them, her eyes never meeting his.

“Why?” He exclaims, is there even a good enough reason? Is there anything she could say that doesn’t make this hurt?

“Because…” Her voice breaks and she takes a deep breath. “Because I will hold you down-”

“You would never do that.” He hurries to say.

“How are you ever going to have a normal life with me?” She asks. “There’s so much you can’t get, we can’t do anything normal together, we can’t go on dates, we can’t actually kiss, I can’t meet your parents-”

“I don’t want any of those things.” He interrupts her. “All I want is you.”

“And how long will that last?” She shakes her head, looking at him, sadness like he has never seen clouding her eyes, the sky turns darker too, his head making the scenery fit the situation, or maybe it’s her.

“What are you trying to say?” He whispers as small raindrops start falling down, he is safe under the tree but he can still feel the cold.

“How long until I am not enough anymore?” She asks in a small, broken voice. “How long until you want more? How long until you want to start living life?”

“Is that what you think of me?” He asks standing up, he wants to wake up, he doesn’t want to be here anymore. He just wants to be awake, for the first time in weeks.

“It’s nothing bad.” She hurries to say, standing up and she tries to caress his cheek be he takes a step back,he doesn’t think he will be able to handle her touch righ now. “ You deserve all of that, everyone does and I’m just an interruption of your life, I am not that important.”

“Of course you are.” He says as she starts to fade away, he is waking up finally, maybe they can pretend this was just dream. “I love you.”

He wakes up and she is there, she looks anxious, her eyes clear in the worst possible way, she is fighting to stay, she wants to have this conversation and a part of his brain starts nagging him. What if she is the one that doesn’t want him anymore?

“Matteo come on.” She starts. “Be reasonable.”

“I tell you I love you and you are asking me to be reasonable?” He asks, hurt is replaced by anger, a much safer feeling, a feeling he knows how to deal with. “Are you sure this is all about me?”

“What do you mean?” She asks and he stands up of his bed, it’s not that early, he can go to uni, he can pretend this never happened, he could just shut up and go back to this when is is calmer.

“Why are you insisting so much?” Matteo asks. “I don’t want you gone, I don’t want you out of my life.”

“But maybe you should.” She exclaims walking behind him he closes the door of the closet and even if that doesn’t really stop her she stays out, getting the message.

He tries to calm down as he changes, take deep breaths but the words blurt out of his mouth anyway.

“Maybe you are the one who doesn’t want it anymore.” He says, louder than he means, through gritted teeth.

“What?” She asks and the confusion on her voice matches the confusion on her face when he opens the door.

He needs to shut up, he wants to shut up, then why is he still talking.

“Maybe you are tired of me already.” He asks, he can feel the poison raise up his throat, soaking his words and not stopping. “Maybe you had what you wanted already, you felt alive for a second and now you don’t want it anymore.”

“How can you even say this?” She asks, her voice resonating on the room in an almost gloomy way, in a way that’s not natural, that gives him shiver.

“Because this is what you are acting like.” He tells her gathering his things, he doesn’t want to see her anymore, not today. “Because I tell you I don’t want this and you insist, this means you are the one who really wants it.”

“This is ridiculous.” She laughs bitterly. “I’m trying to do what's best for you.”

“You are what’s best for me.” His voice comes out more vulnerable than he meant, more broken.

“You will see this is not true sooner or later.” She says in a small voice and when he turns around to face her she is five centimeters away from him.

“I told you I loved you.” He says, slow, careful. “What do you think about it?”

“You shouldn’t.” She says and he is expecting something, he is expecting something better but it never comes.

“You don’t.” He laughs. “Do you?”

“I…” She starts but her voice trails off.

“Do you even care about me?” He demands and she doesn’t answer. “Did you even care about me?”  

She stays silent looking at him with tears on her eyes but he can’t care, he really can’t care anymore, she didn’t say it back. She doesn’t love him.

“Or was I only your toy? Something to play with to feel alive?” He turns around to the door and he hears her calling. “Was I ever important to you?”

He spends all day seething, whenever he thinks he can calm down he remembers that she never denied anything he said, she never said he was important and anger is back, it settles on his chest pushing away any other feeling, Guilt, disappointment, betrayal, there’s no place for any of that, just anger. And sometimes hurt stays there too, making his eyes sting with unshed tears and his hands shake with something he doesn’t understand.

When Gastón asks him if he wants to go out for a drink he says yes, he doesn’t want to go back home.Not when she might not even be there, because how can it be home without her?

He is not sure of what he is doing but he doesn’t let himself hesitate, she said they should end this, that she shouldn’t be as important as she is to him, that she should leave, let him have a life, be a twenty something and enjoy it to the fullest and that's what he will do. Every time he feels like coming back,like apologizing for the way he screamed at her, for how he reacted, for saying all he said he takes a shot.

He keeps drinking and drinking until he can’t see straight, until he can’t think clearly, until all he can think of is how much he will suffer once she leaves and how much he doesn’t want this to happen.

Hurt moves him, hurt feels his veins, hurt takes over his body, burning every cell of his body in the most unpleasant way that could ever exist. He matches the burning of his soul with alcohol, letting it burn his throat and his chest. And then a girl touches his arm, lighting up his skin in ways that make him want to throw, her smile is lopsided, she doesn’t know who he is, she doesn’t care, she is batting her eyelashes at him, showing her his cleavage and he wants to go back home with Luna. Luna who doesn’t want him. Luna who wants to leave.

When she kisses him he kisses him back, is an angry, messy kiss, all teeth and aggression and she mumbles another name when he presses her against the door of his car, he doesn’t care, he is not sure he hasn’t done the same. She doesn’t seem to care about anything when she is on his car  and he recognizes that she is looking for the same thing as he is, something to shut up her brain, something she can use as a weapon, against someone else and herself too.

He doesn’t really remember the way to his apartment or how he opens the door, he remembers how she starts undressing him quickly, her nails brushing against his skin and how wrong he feels, he remembers that he hears something, just for a second but when he looks there’s nothing on his living room,there’s no one, he takes her to his room. He doesn’t remember much else. Except that all night he is staring at green eyes that are not actually there and that in his mind he is touching the skin of another woman.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

He fucked up, he fucked up big time and he brought his mistakes home, let them sleep on his bed.He let her leave marks on his skin, just because Luna never could, he wanted Luna to feel his hurt. He is the worst person that has ever existed.

The girl is gone, no number, no note, it wasn’t important either for her, just two strangers drowning their pain into each other. He hopes she didn’t mess everything like he did, that one of the people involved in this stupid mistake didn’t lose everything. He sits up, looking around, he doesn’t expect Luna to be here but there’s a part of him that hopes, that maybe she didn’t see any of this, that eh can apologize, he doesn’t see her, he doesn’t feel like she is here and his sheets smell like other girl, he is disgusted with himself. He can’t believe that he acted like a stupid teenager, lashing out, not thinking. He thought that he was smarter, that he had learned that in life you have to think before you act or you could end up losing much more than you are willing to, losing the most important things for you.The most important people.

“Luna?” He calls, his throat closing up, he knows what he did was stupid, he knows that he was stupid but maybe he can fix this, maybe he can make it better. Maybe he can beg for her forgiveness.

Still,his curiosity boils under his skin, accompanied by thousand questions every second, just waiting to get out and he doesn’t think he can help it anymore.

“Did no one else ever see you?” He starts with the easy ones, the ones he doesn’t think will make her green eyes and beautiful features harden as she thinks of the many ways to avoid this question.

“Nope.” She says cheerily, they are laying on the garden of the mansion, their arms touching each other and this way he could swear he actually feels her warmth, he can actually feel her skin against his, he wants more of this feeling. “Many people have lived here since the fire but none of them ever really saw me.”

“Why do you think I could?”

“I don’t know.” She says turning to look at him in the eye.  “I don’t know why I appeared in your dreams either.”

“You mean you didn’t do it on purpose?”

“No, when you came to the house I thought it was going to be like always, you would live here, you would find something weird, something you couldn’t explain or pinpoint and leave, when I saw Lyra I was even more sure, with animals is always harder to pretend nothing is happening and then out of the nowhere as I watched you sleep I appeared in your dream.”

“You were watching me sleep?” He asks and she looks away from him, a pink tint filling her cheeks and he can’t help but smile. She’s beautiful, there’s no doubt there.

“Is that what you care about in this conversation?”

“Yes.” He tells her and she sits up looking almost annoyed and embarrassed but there’s a smiling fighting to appear on the corner of her lips and her eyes are shining with amusement.

“You are unbelievable.” She says standing up and he pulls her back to laying next to him softly.

“So you have no idea what happened.” He starts and she nods with a small pout that draws all his focus to her lips. “And why were you running from me?”

“I wasn’t running from you.” She says in a low, somber voice as her eyes darken with a feeling too deep, too painful for him to even begin to understand, he feels his chest tighten and he instantly regrets asking this.

“I wasn’t running from you.” She says once the dream starts to fade away. “I was running from the person that caused the fire.”

He fights to stay asleep, fights to stay with her, this is the first time she would tell him anything about it, the first time he has had the chance to ask but she chose her timing well and soon enough his eyes are open and he’s staring at the ceiling. He would call for her but she’s never really there in the mornings, just as the day passes she becomes more corporeal, less of a memory, more of a real person, or how close she can get to it. In the morning she doesn’t seem herself, she doesn’t seem much at all, just an echo of something that has already been forgotten and he doesn’t like seeing her like this as much as she doesn’t like being like this. So even if her name is being born on his throat and he can already taste in his tongue, he keeps it to himself.

He sits down petting Lyra absent mindedly, Luna’s words echoing on his mind. He’s so desperate to know more about her, about what was her life like,so desperate for any new information that helps him feel closer to her, that makes her more real. In some way he craves Luna Valente on his life, hopes that if he wishes hard enough she will become what she is on his dreams in the real world too.

He doesn’t get why, maybe for his own well being, for his own mental health, to not think again of the fact that he lives with someone that’s not alive at all and still makes his heart jump whenever he sees her.

He goes through his day in a daze, his mind full of Luna always. Gastón asks him many times during the day what’s wrong with him but he doesn’t know how to answer, he’s desperate enough that he starts tries but words start getting caught up on his throat, confusing, tangled and burning with the reminder that no one sane would believe any of he could ever say. He spits excuse after excuse and his best friend doesn’t believe any of them but after a while he leaves Matteo alone. He wishes he could tell the truth, that he could explain this to someone, convince himself that this is not something made up, that he is not going crazy for seeing this girl, for wanting to see this girl.

All day his fingers itch to take his phone and search for her name, search for the story behind everything but he keeps himself in check. She doesn’t want him to know just yet and even if she’s a ghost or a figment of his imagination he is going to respect this.

Every afternoon getting home is the best and worst part of is day. He calls her name sees her appear in front of his eyes, still faded, still vulnerable, still beautiful, he sees her smile at him,big, bright, so full of life, shining brighter than the sun and yet as softly and gentle as the moon. Seeing her takes his heart by storm, sending an hurricane of feelings through his every nerve. He longs to touch her, reaches for her every time just for a second before he remembers that it’s painfully impossible. Then her face falls, noticing his movement and each time he feels guilty for trying to get something he can’t have.

This time is not much different except she seems more faded, more subdued, she seems like someone turned off the light inside of her and even if she smiles her green eyes are too clear to carry any lie or pretense. He can see that she’s more gone than usual and not because she can’t keep herself around like sometimes happens, she just doesn’t want to be here. She’s anxious and nervous and he almost doesn’t mention but curiosity is eating him again.

“We were talking this morning…” He starts, voice trailing off when he sees  the way she freezes completely. He takes a deep breath, there are things he doesn’t really need to know and if this hurts her like this then this is one of them. “But if you don’t want to tell me anymore about this is fine.”

The words sting a little, his ego, his curiosity, his need to always know everything, his need to know her but he cares too much about her already. He won’t do anything to harm her in anyway. She relaxes visibly, a sigh leaving her lips so quietly he almost misses it but her eyes still look tormented by something as she shakes her head.

“You should know.”She says in  a shaky voice she sits down on the couch, he doesn’t know it she really needs to or it’s just a reflex but he sits right next to her, ignoring the hill that goes down his spine when he does, he wishes he could hold her hand, that she was slightly more corporeal, that he could at least pretend that he’s touching her but she feels just like cold air against his skin, there’s nothing there. She’s not really there.

“You don’t need to.” He reminds her, one last time because as soon as she starts talking his curiosity will get the best of him and he knows it. She shakes her head her hair movies brushing against his skin and feeling like little shards of ice dig into his skin for a second.

“I was 20.” She starts, she’s not looking at him, she’s looking at a spot of the wall, her eyes seeming far away, the more she keeps quiet the more she looks like she will fade away any second. “There was a weird story behind my life, my parents, my biological parents had died in a fire too and I had just found out that it was my aunt’s fault, the aunt that had been looking for me for 14 years before finding me, she was never nice or too warm but this was too much I found out and…”

She comes to a sudden stop, a frown forming on her face as she takes deep, shaky breaths trying not to cry, yet a tear fall downs her cheek, glistening in an otherworldly way as it runs down her almost transparent skin.

“I went and asked her about this, I went to face her.” She starts talking, a sob leaving her lips between her words. “She said I was crazy that this was never something that happened that the fire wasn’t her fault. I acted like I believed her, but I started looking it up, I started to investigate and there was no other answer, she had killed my parents.”

She’s barely ever there anymore, the hot spring air fills the room and the cold she brings everywhere she goes is barely there anymore, he can almost see through her, he can see her fade around the edges, little by little, she doesn’t seem to realise, she doesn’t seem to be focused on anything but the story she’s telling. He doesn’t say anything to bring her back to earth, he doesn’t dare.

“She found out what I was doing, she figured out that I knew what she had done, she looked…” She swallows hard, her voice turning almost too quiet to hear, like she doesn’t know how to keep talking anymore. “She looked crazy, she acted crazy, she locked me in the room, I heard her call an hospital, tell them I was crazy, I managed to get out of the room I called for my parents, I heard them call for me, I kept running and I lost her but then…”

She sibs and with that she disappears completely from existence, he’s left with a heavy heart and an empty spot next to him.

Lyra jumps into his lap, like she feels like he needs the support, he stays there petting her and looking at nothing until it’s time for him to make dinner. Sometimes he wonders where she goes when she’s not with him, where she goes when she is not on her mostly physical form. Does she disappear into nothingness, does she become nothing. Is it possible to be nothing when someone thinks constantly about you?Is it possible that if he keeps thinking her she will come to life?

And if she truly turns into nothing, disappears of all existence will there be a day where she doesn’t come back anymore? A day where she can’t come back? Is that nothing where she is supposed to be? Where she belongs?

He goes to sleep, aching to see her again, to erase this questions of his mind, to wash away the idea of losing her forever.

He appears on the hallways of the mansion, she doesn’t meet him there like she usually does, so he goes looking for her, it’s not long until he hears her, until he hears the soft sobs coming from a room he had never been in. Matteo opens the door carefully, trying his best not to startle her,he looks around, the room is full of color, it’s so vibrant ,so alive, this is Luna’s room. He gives himself a second to look at it before walking to the bed where she’s sitting, hugging a pillow as she cries, her whole body shaking with the force of it.

When he sits down she throws herself at him, hugging him tight, hiding on his neck, he can feel her tears on his skin so he just hugs her tighter, there’s nothing else he can do.

“Then…” She starts and he needs a moment to get she’s continuing with the story she was telling him before. “Then everything caught on fire, everything, I don’t even know how that was possible, I went to look for my parents, I could hear them calling my name but I could never find me, I found Amanda, the housemaid and she tried to drag me out of the house as I cried and called for my parents.”

Her voice sounds broken, in all ways someone could ever be broken, she sounds sad, angry, defeated, she sounds like she doesn’t know how to carry this burden and he can just hug her.

“She kept dragging me out but we didn’t make it, no one made it.” She says pulling away from the hug and he takes one of his hands to her cheek, wiping away the tears as they fall and resting his forehead against hers. “I heard them, I heard them screaming my name until the end, I heard my parents, I heard Tino and Cato, Amanda clinged to me trying to move to the window but at some point I passed out and then…then I was dead.”

He stays like this for a while, caressing her cheek with his thumb as his other hand is drawing circles on her back, she closes her eyes and her breathing slows down at some point, he whole body relaxes and when she looks at him again her eyes are red but she gives him a soft smile as she lets out a sigh.

Her breath tickles his lips and he wonders, he just wonders how it would be to kiss her, to feel her lips against his, to pull her body closer to his as he plays with her hair. So he just does it. And she doesn’t pull away.

It’s a slow, soft kiss, her lips are soft and cold in a way that sends a pleasant tremble down his spine, his heart is beating fast but at the same time he feels weirdly at peace.

He is not sure he ever feel like this with a kiss before, felt like nothing else, no one else mattered, felt like he could hold onto this person forever, like he could be completely happy with just this, for the rest of his life.

She pulls away a little surprise and he misses immediately like someone that goes underwater misses air but he doesn’t need to worry much because after she gives him a small smile she is back to kissing him again. The kiss turns deeper and every cell of his body comes alive, every part of him is saying her name over and over.