Find me far away from forgotten
Finding me far away from everything we had (pt3 and final)
I would apologize but would it really change anything and would anybody care? Anyway here it is the one last part.
first part, second part
And once again he finds himself completely enthralled by Luna in some completely new way he didn’t know existed before she came into his life, she’s taking all his attention, all his focus all his power, all he wants is for night to come so he can have her between his arms, so he can feel his lips against hers, so he can hear her voice in all its glory, bright, vibrant, sending shivers down his spine and making the biggest smile take over his lips.
All he really wants is Luna and a part of him aches constantly because he can never really have her, he can’t go out with her, he can’t reach out to her and feel her skin whenever he wants, he can’t see her wake up next to him, messy hair and sleepy eyes, he can’t see her grow and change, he can’t really have her in his life, she doesn’t even fully exist but no matter what this is enough, she is enough, she’s always enough. No matter if he wants more of her, he will be happy with what he can have,in any possible way he gets her he wants Luna, he wants her so much it hurts, so much he feels like an addict waiting for his next fix every day until he goes to sleep just to find her, so much he doesn’t know how to deal with it, so much he never thought this was possible.
The intensity of it terrifies him sometimes, it would if she were a normal girl, it does even more with how things are, when one part of him is always running on the assumption that one day she will disappear, that one say she won’t control it and will run from him again, to never be caught, to never be found again. There are thing that he’s incredibly scared about but all his fears mute and calm when she’s around, as soon as he walks into his apartment, late afternoon after a tiring day of class and she’s right there waiting for him in the couch, a little faded around the edges, but there, she’s there because of him and they can talk and watch tv, she can follow him around the house as he cleans, or sit next to him as he studies, with this cold that follows her and has become reassuring in a way and it feels like home, she feels like home.
And then night comes and she is the last thing he sees before he closes his eyes and the first thing that appears on his mind, in his dreams she is Luna. Fully, completely, wholeheartedly Luna, nothing sets her back from herself, she lights up completely. And she lights him up inside too.
He almost forgets everything that can go wrong here, he just wants to be with her, nothing else matters, he can’t think of anything else and she seems as happy as he is with every kiss, with every touch, with every moment they share even if she can live only inside his head he couldn’t be happier. He changed completely now that she is on his life and there’s no fighting it, he will never be the same now that he met her and he doesn’t want. He wants her to be a permanent mark on his heart or as permanent as she can be.
Most of the time he doesn’t let himself think of the fact that one day she could just not be there anymore. He doesn’t let himself think of how life without her would be. He is happy.They are happy.
And of course she brings it up. She had been weird this morning, but he didn’t thought much of it, as soon as she appears on his dreams he pulls her into a kiss and as always she kisses him back, standing on her tiptoes, taking her hands to his nape to play with his hair, a small smile always present. There’s nothing really different and he convinces himself her faded out attitude in the morning was something beyond her control, not something that happened because someone was affecting her.
He smiles at her after she pulls away and she gives him a short kiss with a small grin and her eyes shining as always, his heart speeds up and he can’t believe it’s possible to feel so much for someone.
She drags him to the garden, they lay down on the grass under her favorite tree and lays down on his chest, playing with his fingers and kissing his neck once in awhile, he has never been more at peace and at first it seems like it’s the same for her. It doesn’t last long though, he feels her tense in his arms more than once, he sees how she opens her mouth to say something, how she closes it immediately after. He doesn’t ask, he doesn’t pressure, he waits for her, he will always wait for her.
It takes her time to build the courage but in the end she manages to say:
“I don’t think we should do this anymore.” And he wishes she would have never been brave enough.
He sits up quickly as she pulls away from him, the idea of losing her clutching at his chest, making it hard to breath.
“What?” He manages to ask and the sound of his own voice sounds strange to him, too breathless, too hoarse, too hurt. He tries to stay calm maybe he heard wrong, maybe she doesn’t mean what he thinks she means.
“We shouldn’t keep doing this.” She says gesturing between them, her eyes never meeting his.
“Why?” He exclaims, is there even a good enough reason? Is there anything she could say that doesn’t make this hurt?
“Because…” Her voice breaks and she takes a deep breath. “Because I will hold you down-”
“You would never do that.” He hurries to say.
“How are you ever going to have a normal life with me?” She asks. “There’s so much you can’t get, we can’t do anything normal together, we can’t go on dates, we can’t actually kiss, I can’t meet your parents-”
“I don’t want any of those things.” He interrupts her. “All I want is you.”
“And how long will that last?” She shakes her head, looking at him, sadness like he has never seen clouding her eyes, the sky turns darker too, his head making the scenery fit the situation, or maybe it’s her.
“What are you trying to say?” He whispers as small raindrops start falling down, he is safe under the tree but he can still feel the cold.
“How long until I am not enough anymore?” She asks in a small, broken voice. “How long until you want more? How long until you want to start living life?”
“Is that what you think of me?” He asks standing up, he wants to wake up, he doesn’t want to be here anymore. He just wants to be awake, for the first time in weeks.
“It’s nothing bad.” She hurries to say, standing up and she tries to caress his cheek be he takes a step back,he doesn’t think he will be able to handle her touch righ now. “ You deserve all of that, everyone does and I’m just an interruption of your life, I am not that important.”
“Of course you are.” He says as she starts to fade away, he is waking up finally, maybe they can pretend this was just dream. “I love you.”
He wakes up and she is there, she looks anxious, her eyes clear in the worst possible way, she is fighting to stay, she wants to have this conversation and a part of his brain starts nagging him. What if she is the one that doesn’t want him anymore?
“Matteo come on.” She starts. “Be reasonable.”
“I tell you I love you and you are asking me to be reasonable?” He asks, hurt is replaced by anger, a much safer feeling, a feeling he knows how to deal with. “Are you sure this is all about me?”
“What do you mean?” She asks and he stands up of his bed, it’s not that early, he can go to uni, he can pretend this never happened, he could just shut up and go back to this when is is calmer.
“Why are you insisting so much?” Matteo asks. “I don’t want you gone, I don’t want you out of my life.”
“But maybe you should.” She exclaims walking behind him he closes the door of the closet and even if that doesn’t really stop her she stays out, getting the message.
He tries to calm down as he changes, take deep breaths but the words blurt out of his mouth anyway.
“Maybe you are the one who doesn’t want it anymore.” He says, louder than he means, through gritted teeth.
“What?” She asks and the confusion on her voice matches the confusion on her face when he opens the door.
He needs to shut up, he wants to shut up, then why is he still talking.
“Maybe you are tired of me already.” He asks, he can feel the poison raise up his throat, soaking his words and not stopping. “Maybe you had what you wanted already, you felt alive for a second and now you don’t want it anymore.”
“How can you even say this?” She asks, her voice resonating on the room in an almost gloomy way, in a way that’s not natural, that gives him shiver.
“Because this is what you are acting like.” He tells her gathering his things, he doesn’t want to see her anymore, not today. “Because I tell you I don’t want this and you insist, this means you are the one who really wants it.”
“This is ridiculous.” She laughs bitterly. “I’m trying to do what's best for you.”
“You are what’s best for me.” His voice comes out more vulnerable than he meant, more broken.
“You will see this is not true sooner or later.” She says in a small voice and when he turns around to face her she is five centimeters away from him.
“I told you I loved you.” He says, slow, careful. “What do you think about it?”
“You shouldn’t.” She says and he is expecting something, he is expecting something better but it never comes.
“You don’t.” He laughs. “Do you?”
“I…” She starts but her voice trails off.
“Do you even care about me?” He demands and she doesn’t answer. “Did you even care about me?”
She stays silent looking at him with tears on her eyes but he can’t care, he really can’t care anymore, she didn’t say it back. She doesn’t love him.
“Or was I only your toy? Something to play with to feel alive?” He turns around to the door and he hears her calling. “Was I ever important to you?”
He spends all day seething, whenever he thinks he can calm down he remembers that she never denied anything he said, she never said he was important and anger is back, it settles on his chest pushing away any other feeling, Guilt, disappointment, betrayal, there’s no place for any of that, just anger. And sometimes hurt stays there too, making his eyes sting with unshed tears and his hands shake with something he doesn’t understand.
When Gastón asks him if he wants to go out for a drink he says yes, he doesn’t want to go back home.Not when she might not even be there, because how can it be home without her?
He is not sure of what he is doing but he doesn’t let himself hesitate, she said they should end this, that she shouldn’t be as important as she is to him, that she should leave, let him have a life, be a twenty something and enjoy it to the fullest and that's what he will do. Every time he feels like coming back,like apologizing for the way he screamed at her, for how he reacted, for saying all he said he takes a shot.
He keeps drinking and drinking until he can’t see straight, until he can’t think clearly, until all he can think of is how much he will suffer once she leaves and how much he doesn’t want this to happen.
Hurt moves him, hurt feels his veins, hurt takes over his body, burning every cell of his body in the most unpleasant way that could ever exist. He matches the burning of his soul with alcohol, letting it burn his throat and his chest. And then a girl touches his arm, lighting up his skin in ways that make him want to throw, her smile is lopsided, she doesn’t know who he is, she doesn’t care, she is batting her eyelashes at him, showing her his cleavage and he wants to go back home with Luna. Luna who doesn’t want him. Luna who wants to leave.
When she kisses him he kisses him back, is an angry, messy kiss, all teeth and aggression and she mumbles another name when he presses her against the door of his car, he doesn’t care, he is not sure he hasn’t done the same. She doesn’t seem to care about anything when she is on his car and he recognizes that she is looking for the same thing as he is, something to shut up her brain, something she can use as a weapon, against someone else and herself too.
He doesn’t really remember the way to his apartment or how he opens the door, he remembers how she starts undressing him quickly, her nails brushing against his skin and how wrong he feels, he remembers that he hears something, just for a second but when he looks there’s nothing on his living room,there’s no one, he takes her to his room. He doesn’t remember much else. Except that all night he is staring at green eyes that are not actually there and that in his mind he is touching the skin of another woman.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
He fucked up, he fucked up big time and he brought his mistakes home, let them sleep on his bed.He let her leave marks on his skin, just because Luna never could, he wanted Luna to feel his hurt. He is the worst person that has ever existed.
The girl is gone, no number, no note, it wasn’t important either for her, just two strangers drowning their pain into each other. He hopes she didn’t mess everything like he did, that one of the people involved in this stupid mistake didn’t lose everything. He sits up, looking around, he doesn’t expect Luna to be here but there’s a part of him that hopes, that maybe she didn’t see any of this, that eh can apologize, he doesn’t see her, he doesn’t feel like she is here and his sheets smell like other girl, he is disgusted with himself. He can’t believe that he acted like a stupid teenager, lashing out, not thinking. He thought that he was smarter, that he had learned that in life you have to think before you act or you could end up losing much more than you are willing to, losing the most important things for you.The most important people.
“Luna?” He calls, his throat closing up, he knows what he did was stupid, he knows that he was stupid but maybe he can fix this, maybe he can make it better. Maybe he can beg for her forgiveness.
“Luna?” He calls again, but she never comes.









