and i just tested the look i wanted to do for the first time today and it just... came out shit

i don’t have enough eyelid to show off the pigment and eyelinermand nothing blended and i looked like a red panda, except not cute at all

and all my fake eyelashes were too big for my beady eyes and my good ones fell into the fucking toilet when i went to put them away and i had to throw them out too

my face is just too fugly shaped

i have no cheekbones so i can’t contour and my eyes are too weirdly shaped for me to be able to shade them correctly, and theyre too much grey-blue that they don’t pop when i do use complimenting colors

god i probably shouldn’t even post this i need to come to terms with this under my own power

i was told i’d start the job monday the 29th, and that i’d be sent modules before the date to take and pass

they weren’t sent

so ofc i emailed them and have been told that they need to wait for funding and ok, thats fine, can’t be helped, but only now are they looking for the information like photo id, proof of address, bank details... shouldn’t they have been requested in the interview two fuckin weeks ago???? why aren’t these ppl on top of things it is their job to be on top of things

so now i don’t think i’ll be starting on the 29th

AND ALSO TRYING TO RENEW MY MEDICAL CARD

online application =/= written application??? why???? they didn’t even ask for my college details OR IF I WAS ATTENDING COLLEGE on the app and now they’re asking for completion date

not to mention they didn’t request anything about my asthma which is the reason i got the medical card in the first place?

and there’s a TIME LIMIT

and i contacted both places from which i need evidence of college and income and they said they’d sent it out and it hasn’t arrived yet

so i contact them again and it turns out the college wants me to send out to them whatever needs to be stamped even though they’d said previously that they’d send it out (literally the name of the college and completion date + stamp THAT’S IT)

and god i would not be surprised if i send these forms back and its sent back AGAIN requesting more info

lord

(not to mention i went and booked a frickin driving lesson for monday and completely forgot i may or may not be starting the job then

so feeling like shit i decide to forego the class party that i organized and spend my 50 euro on a train ticket so hes not under pressure because he only has 60 euro to his name

so i ask him for the 6 euro for lunch that i need for tomorrow

and he comes upstairs and hE COUNTS OUT THE MONEY HE HAS LIKE 'THIS IS ALL I HAVE' AND GUILT TRIP ME AND THEN HE TRIES TO ANGRILY GIVE ME MONEY AS IF I WANT IT BECAUSE IM NOT GOING OUT

and i have to say 'NO, DAD, NO, I AM NOT GOING OUT TOMORROW. I AM NOT GETTING ANY DRINKS'

AND HE HAS THE GALL TO GET ANGRY AT ME????? 'IM ONLY TRYING TO HELP OUT BY GIVING YOU THE MONEY I CANT AFFORD TO GIVE' im doing all i fucking can i literally just gave up the first fucking night i go out with my classmates so hes not under any stress to pay bills

and he has the fucking cheek to say 'THERE'S NOT ANYTHING BEING DONE' WHEN I CANNOT DO ANY MORE LIKE I CANNOT GO UP TO MY MOM LIKE 'you need to fucking give me the money you dont have' and i was supposed to go in with her YESTERDAY to sort out the student loan but no i have to babysit to get money and she goes out instead

and now im sitting her crying feeling like shit for not going out feeling like shit for not being able to pay anyone back feeling like shit for being such a burden on him when theres nothing else i can do

now i have 50 euro that i need to use to go out for a class party that im expected to be at because i organized it

and it seems highly likely that i have to not go at all because i have no money

and i dread saying anything to anyone because theyll be like 'NO BUT YOU HAVE TO GO YOU HAVE TO'

dont you fucking understand that i want to but i cant???? no>?>?>??? ok