Supplement: Performance Enhancing Drugs Banned At The 2018 Summer Mechanic Olympics
Olympians, it is time for another year of the SAE Olympics, sponsored by Snap-On Tools. Snap-On: we own your ass.
Following scandals in previous years, the Itty Bitty Olympic Committee has issued new edicts. The following performance-enhancing drugs are now forbidden for use during competition, and will be tested for.
Chunk: Thickens the knuckles of competitors and deadens the nerves in their extremities, which allows them to apply more force on crescent wrenches without fear of damaging their fingers.
Flip-Out: Believed to be the source of the Russian team's victory in the 2016 Freestyle Engine Swap event, this hallucinogen is theorized to allow the human body to think entirely in wiring diagrams.
Hee-Haw: Made of a combination of clutch dust and donkey urine, users of this drug report a decreased urge to visit the tool truck and buy overpriced, garishly-coloured wheeled tool-boxes. Banned by sponsor request.
Blort: Users of this powerful amphetamine never have to check to see which mode their ratchet is set on, and always remember where the tool that was just in their hand was. Also, it makes you shit bones. Your bones? No.
Any Olympian who is found in contravention of these rules will be demoted to the Service Writer Olympics, scheduled for July 2019 in Pyongyang, North Korea.
