#flightofideas

You thought preserving your heart and hurting no one in the process is easy, but I guess not. In your selfish act of self-preservation, causing people pain is apparently, inevitable. What you set out to do, cancels the intention itself. Oh, the irony. 

The pressure you put yourself into plus the people who has no idea what you're going through but amusingly thinks they know you and what's going through your mind and has the indecency to tell you what to do and voice out their opinion of the struggles you "invent". The things you want suddenly becomes wrong and their beliefs are what should be. Your problems are mediocre in their perspective. But you shouldn’t just shunt a person’s battles like that to the side. You don’t know how long they have been fighting with their ghosts.

Para gawin o matapos ang isang gawain, kailangan may dahilan o may nagtutulak sayo para gawin to, yung iba eh katumbas nito ay pera, pero kapag tinignan mo pa ng malalim eh para pala sa pamilya nila, para sa anak nilang nag-aaral sa kolehiyo na ang kurso ay medesina, para sa mga magulang niyang may sakit na malubha na kailangan ng malaking halaga para mapagamot sila, pambayad utang dahil kailangan bayaran yung retreat ng bunso nila. Pero kung iisipin muli eh parang ang ugat pa din ng mga pinagsasabi ko ay sa pera pa din babagsak, bakit pera ang kailangan sa halos lahat ng bagay dito sa mundo nuh? Dati naman ang ginagawa ng mga tao para makakalap ng ibang produkto eh dahil sa "barter" na tinatawag kung saan magpapalitan lang kayo ng kapitbahay nyo ng kung anong meron siya kapalit sa kung anong meron ka. Pero sabagay, di kasi patas noon kung ipagpapalit mo isang sako ng patatas sa isang kalabaw, pero nabuhay sila nung mga panahong yun ng ganun lang ang sistema, pero okay na din na naimbento ang pera, kahit papano nagkakaron ng value yung mga bagay at walang lamangan, pero hindi pa din eh, sa mundong to pera na ang namumuno, siya na yung kinauugatan nang lahat, pera ang nagpapatakbo ngayon sa daigdig, ang pagiging komersyalays ng mga bagay bagay, wala nang di mabibili ng pera, minsan pati pag-ibig kaya na bilhin, di nga lang sure kung totoong pag-ibig pero oo, nabibili na din ang pag-ibig, ayaw mong maniwala? sige magsasabi ako ng halimbawa, kapag nanliligaw ka palang, bibigyan at bibigyan mo ng mga bagay yung pinaka-iniirog mo, mga mamahaling bagay kasi nga you want the best for her diba? Eh parang ganun na din yun, sinagot ka niya after a week or two or a month, pero dahil yun kasi kaya mo magprovide para sa kanya, naging pragmatic siya ikaw naman parang binili mo siya kakabigay ng mga mamahaling bagay diba? Ewan ko pera para sakin sinagot ka dahil mayaman ka eh, sad for you haha. Pero ayun nga, nasan na ba ako? Bago ko simulan to ang gusto ko isulat talaga ay yung motivation eh o kung ano yung driving force ng karamihan eh, kaso napunta sa pera, tangina namang utak to oh. Pero eto nga, kung umabot ka sa pangungusap na 'to at nakita pa tong kabaliwan ko eh either high ka or lasing o talagang trip mo magbasa ng mga bagay bagay mula sa produkto ng kape, ako ginagawa ko 'to kasi trip trip lang. Ikaw ewan ko kung ano trip mo, kung trip mo ko. Edi ayos eto number ko, 0943--nah, just kidding.  So ayun nga, napansin ko lang na paano kung di naimbento ang pera, sigurado talamak pa din ang lamangan at gulangan nung mga halang ang kaluluwang mga tao, pero nung naimbento yung pera ganun pa din naman, talamak pa din ang gulangan at lamangan. Siguro hindi pera ang problema, tao talaga, ay oo sa bagay dapat kanina ko pa naisip, tao talaga ang problema, tayo yung may mga complete functioning brain na may ability gumawa nung mga yan eh, kasalanan ng mga tao to dahil greedy sila. Di makapag-share ng kayamanan dahil takot mawalan kahit sobrang dami mo namang resources. Yun yung problema ng mundo eh, mayaman ang kalikasan natin pero iilan lang yung mga may hawak at nagmamanipula ng kayamanan ng mundo. Ewan ko ba, na-ulol na ako, di ko na alam isusunod, pero ang alam ko lang eh kailangan ko nang magbanyo.

To make myself a little better.

A month has passed since I threw my school stuff in the air and said "Hooray to summer break!" but here I am, sulking at my seat, thinking of all the could have been's.

But hey, at least I was able to accomplish something. I was able to reformat my laptop, get a hard drive to dump all my files, clean my room endlessly (and failed) download some of my favorite shows, applied for a new student permit at the LTO and fixed my passport requirements and started singing lessons with Girl Valencia.

I've been thinking about the other things I should do before I call them another set of should have been's. But how do I do these things within a week, within my means. Getting things done is not as hard as thinking of the money you have to spend. Recently, I noticed how I've become conscious of my spending habits. I used to base my decisions on impulse until I got the hang of withdrawing our family allowance. Whenever I see a deficit at our passbook, the more I cringe at the thought of depleting savings. When I used to receive my allowance, I used to overestimate my expenses and think it's doesn't make much difference. Now, I could think of a long list of things that I've been putting off, but I keep having second thoughts. Gastos na naman. I might regret this. Oh no but I should do this before classes start! But then if i don't go out, don't spend, I'll be stuck at home and be bored and productive. Oh decisions. Huhu.

Going back to my topic, I should be happy! Progress is progress no matter what. But then...

For quite some time, I managed to find a sweet escape to get away with the   things I fear to face the most. Let me give you a hint. That escape is by studying again. Seriously. I could study and study all my life rather than do that thing that I must do.

But for some reason, I've been bugged by several people about that thing. and letting it pass didn't help me at all. I know I have to and I need to, but I am still convicted that when I finally take the plunge and test the waters, I will drown in failure and disappointment.

There's no way I can do it. I lack experience. How the hell are they going to like me, or at least see a potential in me to be accepted.

I feel guilty towards people offering me help or bridges to help me get to my goal. But something will always hold me back - that feeling or being insufficient. Fear. 

If you know me personally, you know that I sound awkward when I converse with people especially in English. But more than that, my greatest fear is public speaking, be it a simple oral recitation, or a whole period of reporting. I'm not ashamed anymore to tell everyone that I have not moved on from this fear until I took up my masters degree, when in fact I should have done something about it when I was in college, at the very least.

I don't really know where this problem of mine stemmed from, but during the course of the term I have created theories in my head that could have lowered my self-esteem. Maybe I got so traumatized back in high school, or maybe I grew up being told about my weaknesses as a person. One thing i'm sure of, is that I've lost all my will to believe in myself and in my abilities. I've lost it all that no words could appease me or change my mind.

If you're my friend, you'll know that I took up units in education before pursuing my masters degree, Special Education. I know what you're thinking right now. Believe me, it took me a year of deliberation, tears, sickness and anxiety pills and advice from older people to come up with this decision. For a year, I was lost and torn between taking up a job that would bring me food and pursuing a degree that I really like to do, but too risky to take. After a year of introspection, I figured out a middle ground where talent, interest and practicality would me. I am fond of art, and social service has been a natural trait for me. So I decided to choose education, and I chose the young children as my students.

I have been warned by my boyfriend about my decision. He told me the rigorous job of being a teacher and the need to be adept in public speaking. Yes, I felt afraid to try something new, but I'm tired of doing nothing. I wanted to go somewhere, so I took the entrance exam as soon as I had the chance. After accomplishing the requirements and passing the entrance exam, I felt so much relieved, but a new wave of fear crept over me as soon as I felt aware that I have yet to face a brand new term of uncertainty. Nevertheless that same uncertainty and cluelessness motivated me to do well on my very first term. I promised myself to bag the dean's list as soon as it ends. 

But when the real thing became reality, I realized how hard life in education really is. On the very first day of classes, I was compelled to recite five times per class. It was something I'm not used to, because usually could get away with a class without not talking at all. I stuttered a lot and I could feel my heart beating in my ears, but eventually, I got the hang of it and didn't hesitate reciting as soon as I have a thought inside my head.

Reporting was another story, though. There were two instances when I really failed twice in reporting. The first time was during a reporting on Bloom's Taxonomy, I was asked a lot of questions that are completely outside the topic, and I couldn't give an answer. I stuttered a lot of times, and I felt horrible especially that I just recovered from depression and hospitalization as a side effect. I felt belittled because everyone else seemed to used to it already. I took it personally for quite some time, but I vowed myself not to give up, thanks to my friends who were there to support me. The second time I messed up was with some group mates. It was so much worse because I prepared for it, but when I felt that my classmates weren't listening, I lost focus and failed my group mates. It even came to a point that a conflict ensued between my group because of misunderstanding. I was so broken at that time that I was completely convinced that I'm not made for teaching. I wanted to be alone for a while but I think they somewhat took it differently. Thankfully I managed to resolve everything and move on.

The next weeks were  crucial. I needed to work double time and extra hard in order to make up of the absences and the poor performance. I also talked to the professor and told her my concerns and thankfully, she was kind enough to understand my situation. I still felt afraid, I felt tired of keeping up and coping with the pressure, but little by little, I saw the gradual progress. During one impromptu recitation, I managed to defend my answers in my seat work. The professor threw a lot of unexpected questions, the class gave different opinions that were different from mine but I still managed to stand my ground. Before I knew it, I was talking non stop and I felt more confident with my answers. It meant a lot to me when my teacher commended that I improved significantly after class. That was a milestone for me. When she asked me to be more confident in our upcoming reporting, I promised myself that I won't fail her. 

I continued to recite spontaneously whenever I had the chance. Right or wrong answer, it didn't matter. It felt good that I courageously told them about my opinions. Maybe it's because I was forced to listen attentively and maybe it's also due to the small number of students in class.

Finally, when reporting day came, I felt afraid once more, that I was so tempted to absent myself because I felt so exhausted from all the requirements. But it's a group work and I can't leave my group especially that I'm the leader. Up to now, I couldn't believe that I did most of the talking in the reporting. Sure, I've messed up several times, but I still managed to survive without feeling the least bit afraid. Words came out naturally and I could now immediately think of an answer automatically when a question is being asked of me. At the very end of the class, my professor told me how much I've improved and she wished me to succeed more in the future. That meant a lot to me because I am reminded that not effort goes wasted and there's no other way to conquer fear but to face it, not run away from it.

I was browsing some tweets on Twitter last night and stumbled upon this particular tweet:

"Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will"

I couldn't agree more. I've been doubting and running away from my fears for years but failure could have saved me more time. This serves as a lesson for me and I wish to share this lesson to everyone else: Accept failure as a natural part of life. You can't completely get away with it. Even the best people out there have also failed. What matters most your decision after failing: To give up or not.