#flex muscle

NXT 08/03/16

At the top of the hour we see the return of Hideo Itami! Poor guy has had a rough time of it; getting a shoulder injury that takes him out for months, leading to further complications that takes him out for over a year; not being around for one of the greatest expansionist periods in NXT. I've always been a big KENTA fan, so I'll always hope he gets it together, gets momentum, and gets the big bucks.

His opponent is CWC standout Sean Maluta, newly recovered from his competitive loss from Ibushi at the conclusion of the first episode of the CWC. The match goes the way of all things. Maluta got in some offense, and Hideo looked good in his return, with more of an aggressive bent than I've seen from his NXT iteration. The more he slides to being the KENTA of old, the better for him, I think. Nakamura and Asuka have changed seemingly little to nothing of their rising sun in-ring belligerence, and both are top acts. Hideo gets the win with the Busaiku Knee; it seems he has reclaimed it now that Daniel Bryan is tragically no more, as he continues to collect his old moves like the killer from the movie Body Parts.

Also, why do I not own Body Parts?

Sean Maluta, meanwhile, has not fared well against hard kicking Japanese men. MATCH RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE

They keep releasing these themes for the next Brooklyn TakeOver and they keep not being a new Baby Metal song and I keep wondering what the point is.

The Revival cut a promo about their continued greatness. In a change of pace, Wilder is talking...or is it Dawson? Neither of the two look the same but I cannot remember who is who. The haired one speaks, is what I am getting at. TM61 come along and say they should get a title shot. Then Gargaso arrive, and they want a shot. Revival feel cramped and leave. There's some humor here, and it's actually pretty funny, and I don't understand the concept of something being actually funny in a WWE setting.

Chris Atkins is about to take on Mojo Rawley and now I know why I don't watch NXT live and I am wishing I could skip this segment or at least have a mythical giant bird tear open the roof the whisk me away and feed me to its young or anything that's less painful than watching Rawley exist but then SAMOA JOE COMES OUT and levels everyone and Joe is the best now okay please call off the legendary bird.

Rawley retaliates against Joe, but Joe is all “I AM FUCKING SAMOA JOE YOU PONCE” and trounces him again. Joe is doing all of this because he wants to show Regal that he can do what he wants. MATCH RATING: SAMOA JOE

Bayley's asked about going after Asuka again, until said Asuka shows up and tells her to watch her next match.

Asuka murders/wrestles/destroys Aliyah in what's actually a pretty entertaining squash match. The story is more about Asuka getting a chair and telling Bayley to sit and learn. Bayley tosses the chair and stands on the ramp instead, as Asuka just fucks all of Aliyah's shit up. It's a great showcase for the adorably brutal Asuka, as she taunts Bayley the entire time. Asuka employs a number of heel mannerisms, like stopping her own pin count to inflict more damage or holding the Asuka Lock on even after Aliyah's tapped out, raising Bayley's ire. It's clear how they are positioning the alignments for Brooklyn, but I am still torn in my prediction. I HAVE to imagine Bayley is getting called up soon after SummerSlam, which would make it pointless for her to have the NXT Women's Title. Except everything so far is geared for her to win the title. This is the part where I start making sounds like Marge's sisters from The Simpsons. MATCH RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE

Oney (sigh) Lorcan has a promo about beating Tye Dillenger. Man. He looks different in front of the high production cameras of the WWE. I would be interested to see what his caricature looks like.

BOBBY ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is here!

I admit: I hated Booby Roode in TNA, or at least every iteration of him before Beer Money. Since then I've heard that he actually got quite good, and the one match I saw with him (vs. Aries, where Aries won the TNA title) was stellar.

I was just about ready to declare all of my past transgressions against the man the folly of one who didn't know any better, as the dude comes out to a song that literally shouts “GLORIOUS” all over the place. It's perhaps the finest piece of vainglorious wrestling music since Christian's At Last came down from the heavens and blessed us unworthy many. It sounds like a Muse cover band (who sound like a Queen cover band) and it is amazing.

Roode pulls a pretty decent and classic Flair style promo, where he starts off by talking about how awesome NXT is before the verbal knife twist and then rants and raves about how wealthy he is and how all of the NXT losers should be replaced by CEOs and such. He's like a new money Million Dollar Man. This seems like his pre-Beer Money (and, I guess, somewhat during) gimmick. If he wrestles an eightieth as well as his song is magnificent then, you know what, sure, I'm in.

TM61 looked the best they have since joining, it seems, as the follow up their earlier promo segment with a match against The Revival. The Revival excel at making their opponents look good, while credibly finding underhanded (yet mostly legal) tactics to win. TM61 came in with all of the flare of a good guy tag team, but The Revival are master manipulators of the ring and eke out a win. MATCH RATING: **1/2

Tomgano come down to the ring talking about all of the teams The Revival have beaten, which include the Hollywood Blondes and Pikachu and Charmander. As an aside, I will fist pump in joy at a Hollywood Blondes reference. More funny stuff, but the long and short of it is that they demand a title shot from The Revival. I have the feeling The Revival are going to put their titles on the line at TakeOver.

Cruiserweight Classic #4

This is the end of the first round to what's been a pretty top-notch damn tournament so far. The big story here is the Gargano-Ciampa match. The whole night of the Network has been, in some way, about these two, from challenging for the titles on NXT to facing one another in the CWC.

But we'll get to that.

Jason Lee vs. Rich Swann

Jason Lee is a student of HoHo Lun's, and after Lun's less than exemplary performance I immediately had doubts about Lee's abilities. Swann is a known commodity, haven flipped and danced his way from DGUSA, DragonGate proper, and the Indies in general all the way in our hearts.

First thing to say: Jason Lee is years better than Lun. His style is martial arts based, and he has better strikes, better timing, and better facial expressions than Lun (especially when gawking at Swann). On his own, Lee didn't come off as the best of the unknowns, but he still put forth a damned quality effort. Swann gripped tight a crowd already familiar with him, and I think from his antics alone people who don't know Swann will want to know him more, as not only is he impressively athletic but he's also one of the genuinely most charismatic folks in this tournament.

People through that “C” word around all the time and it often doesn't mean anything (like “presence” with the walking talent void that is Baron Corbin and one day I'm not going to talk about him anymore) but Swann is here and has always been a charismatic bastard. Swann gets the win and gets the crowd's ardent favor. Also, are we sure it was HoHo Lun and not Jason Lee who brought wrestling to China? MATCH RATING: **1/4

Noam Dar vs. Girv Shira

There's yet another Hollywood Blonde reference, and this Wednesday night of programming has made me a happy man. I also feel ashamed that I only now got that the Bollywood Boys are supposed to be a Hollywood Blondes-by-way-of-India gimmick.

Noam Dar is a name tossed around when you hear about the Euro invasion of premiere talent, though any utterance of his nomenclature usually trails behind the likes of ZSJ, Scurll, and Ospreay. And...I can kinda see why.

This match isn't quite the crotch rot of wrestling that was Nese and Bennett from last week, but this clearly is in the very bottom rung of matches in the CWC in terms of...anything. Character, match quality, interest. Girv seems to be a little better than his brother, but not to any appreciable degree. Dar didn't really stand out, and neither seemed to gel well with one another. Dar wins, and, as it stands, he stands shoulder to shoulder with Lun as two of the obvious blotches on an otherwise fantastic set of round two competitors. MATCH RATING: *

Jack Gallagher vs. Fabian Aichner

Fabian Archer is a jacked Italian wrestler trained by Alex Wright. Someone online said he looked like the kind of mook JCVD would kill at the top of the second hour of an action movie, and that's the most apt thing that can be said about the dude before getting into the wrestling aspect of things.

Gallagher is another relatively unknown “named” wrestler, hailing from England. He looks like a BBC iteration of a wrestler; pale, with a curved period mustache, and a voice slathered in the gentlemanly airs of a sophisticated man. He looks like an anachronistic circus shooter combined with a World of Sports athlete and, yes, he wrestles like one as well.

Fun fact: this match is insidiously fun, one of the more “entertaining” bouts this tournament. Gallagher's character foundation is solid, and he does a great job of mixing that tricky, World of Sport style escape artistry with a more modern flair, and he makes it work. I enjoyed ZSJ's performance last week but it seemed to produce a mixed reaction in others. Here, Gallagher put on a show that I see people on forums and such asking about him.

Let's not discount Fabian. He more than pulled his own weight, and worked with Gallagher to have a joyful, legitimately exciting match. He clearly has power, but was able to do the World of Sports wrestling with Gallagher and hit an incredible double springboard moonsault. Right next to all of that, he has great facial expressions, which I honestly was not expecting.

Gallagher (who is, adorably, Bryan's favorite wrestler as he asks if it's weird that he can love a man just from seeing him wrestler) gets the win after some tenacious kick outs and an actually-yeah-but-for-real-though vicious corner dropkick he gets the win.

This is almost the shining example of a first round CWC match: a match with two relative unknowns that gets the crowd invested as they showcase what they can do. This was everything that Dar/Shira was not. Gallagher progresses, and that's awesome, but the world also needs to see more of Fabian Aichner. MATCH RATING: ***

Johnny Gargano vs. Tommaso Ciampa

CIAMGANO EXPLODE

Unique to this match (and possibly an indicator of future round two episodes) we get a pre-match promo segment between the two friends and partners, where they lay out that they are each going to do what they can to win.

If you're done for the day and just want to wrap this up quick: this match was god damn incredible, and by far the best match of the tournament thus far. It was a pristine blend of essential wrestling elements; it had action that rarely, if ever faltered; it had a great, entrenched story, as we find these two partners battling each other; it had quality ring psychology. It's close to one of the best matches you can get within an eleven minute or so time frame (not including Akira Taue vs. Yuji Nagata from NOAH).

The story that played out during the match was riveting. Gargano quickly became the underdog, as he wasn't prepared for the onslaught of the much more aggressive and genuinely meaner Ciampa. A wrestling match turned into a fight for survival Gargano, as he was mauled by the psycho killer. The drama etched up with each second and each violent move; you could see the crowd wince and get behind Gargano after taking just god awful strikes to the head. You could hear the shock as Gargano kept kicking out of moves that would have ended nearly anyone else, including the Project Ciampa (which is the exact moment I thought Ciampa had won it).

Near the end of the match, Ciampa exposes his bare knee as he prepares to finish off his partner and friend, who's dazed in the ring. Instead of recreating a “I'm sorry; I love you” moment, Ciampa relents, and pulls up the knee pad. This moment of sympathy ultimately costs Ciampa everything, as Gargano rallies enough to get a shock pin and progress on to round two.

Gargano goes to shake Ciampa's hand. Ciampa, disappointed at himself, refuses, and leaves the ring. Gargano collapses in the ring as the crowd is dismayed at Ciampa's decision. Ciampa reenters the ring, sitting down next to Gargano like they are two old friends sitting on an old DeSoto by an airport, gazing at the stars and wondering what's going to happen when they graduate high school. They hug, and it's an incredible “aw shucks” moment of friendship and camaraderie. It's a great capper to a brilliant one night story.

Also, whenever they decide to have Gargano and Ciampa feud, you can bet they are going to milk this footage for all it's worth.

I implores folks to see this match. It's not the best match of the year, not in a technical sense, but it's damned special regardless. It's nearly everything great about wrestling in a bite-sized, demo disc package. It's great, hard hitting, tells a story, and you get all of that for fewer than twelve minutes of your time. To reiterate: this is easily the best match of the tournament, though with round two coming you can imagine there will be some worthy contenders to the throne. MATCH RATING: ****1/4

AJW CLASSICS #13

Date: 8/4-1986 (Miyagi Sports Center) WWWA World Tag Team Championship Lioness Asuka & Chigusa Nagayo (c) vs. Yumi Ogura & Kazue Nagahori

This match was likely clipped, but there was enough there for me to judge, I should think.

The first fifty percent or so of the match is all kicks, like a quartet of Jun players going at it in a brawl. Typhoon had to get the jump start early since they were going after the Crush Gals. They jump the Gals at the start and gain the early advantage, until the Gals rally and it turns into a pitched battle. I thought of the Cruiserweight Classic and its sports-like presentation.

I've said often how a lot of the more competitive matches shown on AJW Classics come off like real matches, with a lack of showmanship and a focus on the wrestling aspect of it. It's even battle, and the two teams struggle to best the other. I'm not sure if it was clipped but the Gals seem to win two straight falls, though if that's the case it still does little to tarnish the effort Typhoon put in. Chigusa appears to have been injured, but she seemingly recovers. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2 Date: 5/29-1986 (Omiya Skating Hall) AJW Jr. Championship Hisako Uno (c) vs. Yasuko Ishiguro

I could find not a single bit of information on Yasuko Ishiguro. Judging by look and her ringside seconds, she was clearly some junior working with the Gokuaku Domei. Hisako has yet to look even a little bit like her future Akira Hokuto self, but then that's still some years off and the Hokuto persona used extensive makeup, so who am I to say.

Even this early on, Hisako shows quite a bit of talent, especially as far as agility goes. She brings the fight to Yasuko, who has some decent power in her own right. It's a good match going, with Hisako having most of the champion's advantage. Surprisingly, Yasuko gets the win and the title after Hisako was unable to escape a pin. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

Date: 7/24-1986 (Matsudo Gymnasium) AJW Championship Bull Nakano (c) vs. Kazue Nagahori

In last week's episode, we had the Crush Gals try to get their chance at singles gold, with only Chigusa succeeding. This time,Nagahori goes the singles route as she tries to wrest gold from Bull Nakano.

Nagahori hits a spin kick to the back of Bull's head in retaliation for the latter's lack of respect. And, like with Typhoon from earlier in the show, almost a necessary preemptive strike considering the level of danger that Bull presents. Bull quickly regains the advantage, and the match turns into an extended squash. Nagahori gets her bit in and puts up a good challenge, but Bull (and her 'chucks) reign supreme.

Mita Suzuki vs. Yasuko Ishiguro

No info on Suzuki, so this whole match is like a void bout wrestled by mysterious unknowns, shadows dressed in the signature striped beach-looking ware of eighties AJW. It's a good little match, though it comes off more as a casual exhibition rather than anything with serious consequences. Yasuko's finisher is apparently “lie on opponent as they struggle unsuccessfully to avoid the pin.” It's better than Cesaro's Neutralizer, at least. Or Byron Saxton's old finisher.

Date: 6/22-1986 (Korakuen Hall) Japan Grand Prix '86 Final Yukari Omori vs. Chigusa Nagayo

It is, in a way, a variation of the Dynamite Girls/Crush Gals battles, or at least a specter of those wars seeing as how Jumbo Hori was forced into retirement earlier on. It makes sense for a member of the incredible Dynamite Girls team to make the finals of the Japan Grand Prix, only her opponent now is one half of her old rivals in the form of Chigusa Nagayo.

Interestingly enough, the story here is more about Yukari's tenaciousness, her unstoppable will in getting a win at the finals. More than that, possibly, is her trying to get a win over Chigusa, which could be seen as a spiritual victory in the sadly dormant rivalry between the Girls and the Gals. Chigusa is top-tier, naturally, but she's often on the defensive against the larger, more volatile Yukari. It's text book: bigger and stronger versus smaller and faster. Every time Chigusa starts building some steam it gets dashed by Yukari hitting another power move. To be sure, however, this is Chigusa we're talking about, so she finds her moments and gets in her offense and is quite the match for the former Dynamite Gal.

Problem: it's not quite enough. For all of her speed and technique and experience, Chigusa is stymied just too often by Yukari, in a case of one wrestler just wanting it more. Chigusa was unable to solve the  puzzle of Yukari's offense and falls, leading to Yukari winning the entire tournament. It's an even better scene when her old partner Jumbo Hori gets in the ring to help her celebrate. Great match with a great story. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4

STRAPEDIUS REVIEWS:

G1 Climax

Days 11 and twelve began to really pick up the pace of the G1, as it seems ever poised to kick into classic, high match quality gear. Tanahashi/Ishii from day 11 is one of the best matches on the tournament by a wide margin, while day 12 is stacked with great matches, forcing out ratings from me that makes it look like any old night during the G1 Climax 24. Shibata/Omega, Nakajima/Naito and YOSHI-HASHI/Elgin are all quality; Omega's oddball comedy bit has long since sat sour with me, but then he pulls out performances like the one he had aginst Shibata and it's like falling in love all over again; Nakajima has been on fire the entire tournament so far, and I hope there's more of him and Marufuji in NJPW's near future; and, yes, fine, I admit that YOSHI-HASHI has gotten incredible, as he had an intense battle with Elgin that officially ranks as my favorite of the G1 so far. I had no idea I would be saying that about a damned YOSHI-HASHI/Elgin match, but here we are. I just couldn't not get unnecessarily excited at the thing. It's going to take a long time, if ever, for any other night of this year's Climax to have as good of a night as 12 did.

Tama Tonga, who has had a meh run of it so far – which is to say, he's done marginally better than he has been, but it still pales in comparison to most. He is also one of the first competitors mathematically unable to get a hope at the finals. SANADA has put in a lot of good work this G1, and he is starving for that big match to crank his gear up to the proverbial next level, but he too is mathematically out. Of major note is that the sports-movie-like comeback special of an old time great never materalized as Tenzan is also one of those who are now just wrestling to wrestle. Which is fine, as my heelish act of being one of the few not pulling for the sentimental chump is only empowered by his losing.

I wanted Kojima.

Day 11

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Bad Luck Fale vs. Hiroyoshi Tenzan MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hirooki Goto vs. Tama Tonga MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Naomichi Marufuji vs. SANADA MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: ****1/2

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Kazuchika Okada vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

Day 12

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Toru Yano vs. Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: **

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Michael Elgin vs. YOSHI-HASHI MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4 (OMEGA MUSCLE)

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

EVIL vs. Tomoaki Honma MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Katsuyori Shibata vs. Kenny Omega MUSCLE RATING: ****1/2

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. Tetsuya Naito MUSCLE RATING: ****1/2

Battleground 2016

Pre-Show

Breezango vs. The Usos

Actually, this was a pretty enjoyable match. Breezango had a great reaction, and the action was consistent. Some very solid output going on here; probably would have stood out even more on TV. If Breezango can keep the momentum, they both might get better, more well deserved positions of prominence. Breezango wins, and the crowds rejoice. MUSCLE RATING: **¾

MAIN SHOW

Sasha Banks and ?????? vs. Charlotte and Dana Brooks

The logically surface story going on is that this is the time filling build until Banks and Charlotte at SummerSlam, which is fine. There was much debate as to the possible identity of Banks’ partner. The obvious, most popular, and most desired option was Bayley, who was conspicuously absent from the recent draft. Other choices included Nia Jax, a returning Naomi, or – most woefully – a returning Nikki Bella. Rarely, the best, most obvious, most popular choice was the one that played out to much fanfare, as Bayley came to aid Banks. It was a great moment, between the crowd’s feverish support, the entrance, the tube men, and Banks being unable to hide her grin.

The celebration (on the floor) did not last long, as the bad blonde folks attacked. The match that followed was very basic in format, but it’s all that was needed, as the match was really about building the presumed Banks/Charlotte match, and introducing Bayley to a hot crowd. The match breaks to pieces pretty soon after, but thanks to Bayley, Banks was able to get Charlotte to tap to the Banks Statement. Not a hall mark match, but a lot of fun, and the reactions for Bayley made this a great opener. It seems this was just a one-off, but I think it further bolsters my prediction of her fighting Asuka at NXT TakeOver in Brooklyn, losing, and debuting right after SummerSlam, probably to Raw. Though Smackdown is lacking in faces. MUSCLE RATING: ***

The Wyatt Family vs. The New Day

Kinda can’t remember the last time New Day actually defended the tag titles. The angle almost comes down more to Xavier versus Bray, which sums up the last chunk of this match. A lot of the match – and the story – centered on Xavier’s Janosz Poha like reactions to Bray, and his fear of the Family. Like the women’s tag, chaos ensues, with the most interesting bit (besides Big E’s suicide dive nearly living up to its name and as an aside I don’t really do the whole 'please wrestler X stop doing that dangerous move’ but Big E’s dive always looks rough) being Xavier suffering from his fear of Bray and then finally breaking it and going after him – which falls apart after losing to a Sister Abigail. Fear wins, which I assume is WWE’s subtle allegory to how fear is currently winning in America at present.

Sure. Decent. MUSCLE RATING: **¾

Zack Ryder vs. Rusev ©

United State Championship Match

Ryder is the latest wrestler who has convenient American garb to challenge the scary foreigner. It says something that Zack Ryder even having a fair amount of offense against the typically dominant Rusev makes this one of Ryder’s best years in forever. Ryder still loses, mind you, but he even appears to break the Accolade, until Rusev hits his Super version. It’s a nothing match, and I still don’t get what I’m supposed to like about Rusev, but this is inoffensive. MUSCLE RATING: **

Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens

This is it. It’s not, of course; as long as both of them draw breath and pump blow, they will drag each other down to some hell or another for the rest of time. It’s written now, it’s basically wrestling canon, like the physics of an Irish whip or “never headbutt a Samoan.” It just is. But, for now, there seems to be a sense of finality for these two. Only temporarily. And yes, that’s an incorrect usage of “finality” but these two have rendered the word “final” and its permutations moot.

I’m not the one who first said it, and I hate the one who did because it’s so true, but Zayn is one of the best wrestlers in the world when it comes to long term “callback” moments in feuds. At the start, Zayn tries his Helluva Kick but Owens bows out, preferring not to get taken out like he did at the start of the four way IC match.

The match moves in its violent, logical motions; the advantage swings, though Sami takes a little more of the share of malice, though that it often the case. The work is excellent, as always, and even their lesser matches are still good, with their better matches revving up exponentially to legendary.

Here is a match where a botch actually enhances the damn thing.

Zayn tries his seated springboard flip move to the outside, only he misjudges it and lands straight on his shoulder. This could have ruined the match, and for lesser talents could have been an insurmountable hurdle. Instead, Zayn sells the juice out of it (enhanced because he had just come back months earlier from shoulder surgery). Owens modifies his offense to take advantage of the “injury”, using the Crippler Crossface, for example.

The match continues asencding towards epic as time goes on; the crowd gets riled into a frenzy, Zayn is doing everything he can to avoid the Pop Up Powerbomb and put down Owens.

Owens eventually has Zayn down to his knees, telling him that he “doesn’t want to do this” and to just stay down. Zayn, with all of his babyface fire, snaps back and defies Owens, beating him down. THREE half-and-half suplexes later, Owens is reeling in the corner. Zayn hits the Kick…but it’s not enough. Zayn has the best facial expressions going today and let this match be the proof as he struggles with what to do next. He then realizes that he just cannot beat Owens. Not just this way.

Zayn props up the limp Owens in what will surely be one of the best visuals in wrestling this year. He goes to the corner and closes his eyes and breathes in deep, like when he hit the final Kick on Neville in NXT. He hits it again. Victory was sure to follow. Epic match, and easily the best match they’ve had since they hit the main roster, which should tell you something as all of their main matches have been at least good. This might have had even more of an impact if Owens and Zayn were split on different shows, but the truth is, in the end, it will always be these two. They’re going to wind up being like Bele and Lokai, punching each other in the ruins of Cheron. My favorite WWE match of the year by some great distance, second being the triple threat women’s match at Mania. MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4

Natalya vs. Becky Lynch

Natalya turned sinister on Becky, because reasons. I’ll take it over the mid 2000’s “crazy evil bitches amirite also we are all lipstick lesbians” plotting, at least.

The match feels like I’m watching an AJW Classics match, in that it goes, and then it gets clipped right to the ending, as if a few minutes were unceremoniously axed in the middle. It’s pretty straightforward: Natalya works on Becky’s knee, Becky makes a soft comeback, gets hit with the Sharpshooter and taps out. That’s just about it. The two are fine; Nattie shows a good in-ring heel persona that she has not been able to show in years, and Becky sells the leg work incredibly well. There was just never much to the feud, nor to this match, and Natalya just wins. Which is typically fine, but Becky needs to do something more, Becky needs a better showing, and it’s a shame she’s been relegated to damn near the back of the women’s bus. It’s such a definitive win it’s hard to imagine where they go from here, if anywhere. MUSCLE RATING: ***

Darren Young vs. The Miz ©

IC Title Match

Miz and Maryse come out dressed like extras from the second Assassin’s Creed game. Or, as someone noted online, like Taichi of “sucking complete ass in Japan” fame.

The match is unmemorable; even if I tattooed a fell page, Dave Meltzer description on my leg I’d forget I had a leg. It was like the Silence from Dr. Who. The ending – the only memorable part – was a cluster, with Miz trying to leave, Maryse slapping Backlund, and Young applying a Cobra Clutch to Miz on the outside. Which was odd, seeing as how Young’s pairing with Backlund was all based on Backlund’s infamous Cross Face Chicken Wing. Young did do the whole “wide eyed crazy stare at my hands” thing that Backlund is more well known for these days. So, yay? MUSCLE RATING: *¾

John Cena, Enzo and Cass vs. The Club

Enzo cuts an entertaining, widely meandering promo before the match. The promo goes all over the world and back again, but it’s fun so you don’t mind getting lost for awhile.

The match itself is much the same as Enzo’s promo in that it’s wild but it’s a decent little joyride. It’s like a WWE version of a low card Dragon Gate tag match, the semblance of tag order quickly breaking down as bodies are just thrown about like a capsized morgue. The match is more than just a little haphazard and sloppily constructed at points, but it’s a damned drunken blast. I don’t even think Gallows and his bean sprout leg stalks hindered the match any. Cena hits a rare, awesome avalanche AA on Styles for the win. This is the temporary end of 4G and The Club, as Enzo and Cass and The Club are sticking with RAW while Cena and Styles continue their feud and help anchor Smackdown. MUSCLE RATING: ***½

There’s a whole bit before the main event where Jericho interviews Randy Orton. I typically loathe interview segments on PPVs, and that doesn’t change much here. It’s still pretty good, at least, as Jericho has been putting in some of the best work of his career since coming back, and manages to play a splendid dick head to Randy Orton, who is clearly in smarm engorged super babyface mode. Most notable is his shade lobbing remark about Lesnar’s PED controversy, before a series of fake outs leads to the obligatory RKO. This segment was fine, especially placed before the big main event, though the notion that Orton is going to allegedly be the top face of Smackdown – in 2016, even – is a dreadful, dreadful notion.

Seth Rollins vs. Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose ©

Triple Threat for WWE Heavyweight Championship

SHIELD explodes!

It’s not weird to type that there’s a SHIELD triple threat. It’s weird to type that Ambrose is the champion going into it.

Ambrose knocked off Rollins last month to become the WWE champion, all in the wake of Reigns getting suspending for getting popped in the WWE drug testing. Rollins and Ambrose had to naturally carry the hype on TV, meanwhile the match grew to be extra curious with the real life implication of Reigns’ molten hot urine. Which brings us to DC.

The crowd was hot for the match, and if you listened to the crowd it was two hot fire heroes taking on a vile, disrespected villain – and odd mix, when you consider that Reigns was the one with the forthcoming derision tossed at him.

The match is pretty damn great, even though it teeters endlessly into the “mult-man match but everyone is tossed outside except for two guys in the ring” trope. When all three are together you’re provided with some of the best moments, including a cathartic moment where Rollins and Ambrose beat down Reigns like it was a tag move from Fire Pro Wrestling Returns before bombing him through a table.

Reigns and Rollins have a great series of moves and near-falls at the end, ending with Reigns spearing Rollins. Before Reigns could get the pin, Ambrose hits the Dirty Deeds and gets the clean, complete, and total victory. Joyous, the Smackdown locker room (even the heels) come out and celebrate with Dean as Shane and Bryan (who were seated ringside by Steph and Foley) celebrate by YESing and running around the ring as Ambrose is hoisted – oddly – on the shoulders of the Usos.

(Actually, it makes some storyline sense if you remember that Dean was a member of the short lived “Family” stable of Reigns and the Usos.)

(Also, I don’t know why Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan hanging out amuses me so much)

What’s nice about the match: everyone had their moment in the sun, Dean looked strong, and not only did he not pin a speared Rollins to win, he was able to hit his move on Reigns instead and still get the total victory. Now, it could be said that this is all the cynical trappings of the oft rumored “redemption” arc that is supposedly going to be in Reigns’ future. In which case, it still makes this match more about how Reigns lost rather than how Dean won.

As it is, Dean got his celebration and is the confirmed champion of the Smackdown show as Reigns and Rollins will no doubt continue snipping at each other on Raw. Fun match with a few bogged moments, which can pretty much sum up this flawed but incredibly fun PPV. Hell, as I’ve said earlier, this might have even been the best main roster PPV since…

WrestleMania XXX? Is that true? I’ll need to investigate. MUSCLE RATING: ****

MUSCLE MATCH OF THE NIGHT: Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens

MUSCLE MAN OF THE NIGHT: Sami Zayn

“HEY WE WANT SOME _____” AWARD: Bayley!

HOTTEST PISS AWARD: ROMAN. REIGNS. THE GUY WITH THE HOTTEST PEE. (Honorable mention to Brock Lesnar)

EXPLICIT MOXLEY AWARD: Dean Ambrose

THE “I’M GONNA WEAR THIS TORN SHIRT ANYWAY” AWARD: Renee Young and what was that? I mean, she can wear whatever she wants, I think fashionista critiquing is horrendous and intrinsically misogynist, it’s just such an unusual garb I’ve never seen before.

THE “DEAN MA'AMBROSE” AWARD FOR FEMALE POPULAR PERRENNIAL LOSER: Becky Lynch sad face

THE “BUZZING OF FLIES” AWARD: Bray Wyatt the Carpathian

THE “YOU LET YOUR COUNTRY DOWN” AWARD: Zack Ryder, WHO MIGHT AS WELL JOIN ISIS AT THIS POINT

BEST CROSSFACE CHICKENWING: A cobra clutch, apparently.

THE “I LIKE YOUR HAIR” AWARD: AJ Styles, screw the haters.

THE “LET THIS BE YOUR LAST BATTLEFIELD” AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN ENDLESS, ETERNAL CONFLICT THAT WILL LEAD TO NAUGHT BUT TOTAL ANNIHILIATION, YET THE PATH TO ARMEGGEDON IS THE ONLY PATH WE KNOW: Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens

STAPEDIUS REVIEWS:

Monday Night Raw (07/26/16)

Rusev vs. Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro vs. Finn Balor MUSCLE RATING: ***½

Sash Banks vs, Charlotte © for Women’s Title: MUSCLE RATING: ****

Finn Balor vs. Roman Reigns: MUSCLE RATING: ***¾

(You this “first RAW of the New Era” episode was fucking baller, acctually)

NJPW G1 Climax

Tanahashi continues to go winless, while Honma leads his block. It’s a new day, yes it is.

Tenzan suffers his first loss, as I rub my hands together as my secret plan to “destroy Tenzanmania” begins its first stages. Nothing else too exciting. Nakajima and Shibata have a great, though woefully short match, and I hope that A) they fight again and B) Nakajima can escape the sinking ship of NOAH and land on solid ground in New Japan. I’ve been a mark of his since he was in Ring of Honor.

Elgin/Naito is easily the best match of Days 4 and 5. Rather low key days as the Climax ROLLS ON.

Day 4

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Tomoaki Honma vs. YOSHI-HASHI MUSCLE RATING: ***

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

EVIL vs. Yuji Nagata  MUSCLE RATING: ***

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Kenny Omega vs. Toru Yano   MUSCLE RATING: *¾

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. Katsuyori Shibata  MUSCLE RATING: ***½

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Michael Elgin vs. Tetsuya Naito  MUSCLE RATING: ****¼

Day 5

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Bad Luck Fale vs. Tomohiro Ishii  MUSCLE RATING: **

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

SANADA vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: ***¼

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Naomichi Marufuji  MUSCLE RATING: ***¼

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Tama Tonga  MUSCLE RATING: **

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hirooki Goto vs. Kazuchika Okada  MUSCLE RATING: ***¾

Lucha Underground: Ultima Lucha Dos Final

Before any wrestling begins we get a LU vignette! Somewhere, off in what looks like the set from an old episode of Star Trek, Vampiro tells Pentagon Jr. that he is a man with fear and he is not ready. Turning, instead, to Empire Strikes Back, Pentagon goes in a cave and has a battle with several iterations of himself, which is like a more violent version of the council of Reed Richards'. He finally takes down another doppelganger, this one being Vampiro himself. He tells Pentagon he is ready, and that he must snuff out a candle to snuff out the light. Pentagon Jr. must become Pentagon Dark, perhaps my favorite Jeph Loeb/Tim Sale collaboration.

(That's a lie; Loeb has been fucking terrible for well over a decade now)

The first match of the night: Aerostar, Drago, and Fenix (Vampiro called them Space, Fire and Fury, or something) and attempt to become the trios champions by upending The Worldwide Underground, who plan on taking the challengers to dick kick city.

It's a good match, mostly, with great high flying (particularity from Aerostar) and some heelin' from the WWU. The whole thing falls predictably apart once the Dick Kickers International decide to get set into their rudo roles; distracting refs, knocking out refs, triple teaming the good guys. There are a few near falls, while Fenix impresses, but the ref is constantly getting taken out or otherwise incapacitated. With the cock knockers at an advantage, Mundo looked ready to take down the good guys, until Angelico makes his surprised, crippled return, limping in on crutches and knocking out Mundo. The good guys take advantage and win; Aerostar, Drago, and Fenix are now the trios champions, and Fenix in particular makes LU history by becoming the first grand slam champion.

The match is fine, and the dickery makes sense, but it still cuts off what was looking to be a really fun match. Decent opener, but it's always frustrating when you know all involved could do much better, which is what should be required on as big of an event as your season finale. MUSCLE RATING: ***

It's the battle of the first season vignette characters as Dragon Azteka Jr. takes on Black Lotus. Both are characters that have, in some form or fashion, have existed since just about the entire lifespan of the show (I think Lotus may have come in a few episodes later). DAJ had spent the better part of the season showing what he was capable of, but up until this point Lotus had not had a single televised match. The big concern, of course, was whether or not she could even wrestle.

I don't know if it was because of booking or some other factor, but the match – for as long as it lasted – wasn't half bad. Perhaps Lotus had actually gotten into wrestling shaped, as she looked fairly okay, all things considered. The match had a quick pace, befitting of the revenge story here. Lotus was still obviously not the best out there, but what match she was able to put forth was somewhat interesting to see.

The match never finishes, sadly, as a Pentagon Dark – regaled as one would expect – interferes and proceeds to break both Lotus and DAJ's arms. He cuts a pretty neat promo about how Pentagon Jr. is dead (long live Pentagon Dark) and that he is ready for the monster. In booking straight out of ECW, we get that match next.

Pentagon goes HAM on Matanza here, beating him around the Temple, looking as if this Dark persona would finally do what no one else has yet to and unseat Matanza Cueto. Matanza eventually gets the advantage, but most of this match is Pentagon Dark busting up the monster. Vampiro produces a barbed wire bat and gives it to Pentagon. Right as Pentagon is about to use the bat, Dario takes it away. Pentagon takes Dario down and is about to break his arm until Matanza recovers, hits his finisher, and wins. Pentagon Dark is pissed at Vampiro.

It looked like it could have been something great, but that's part one of the two running themes the entire night: “it could have been great”, and interferences. I'm a staunch defender of LU, obviously, but the night had been rife with WWE-shit tier booking. This ending, in particular, feels like a betrayal of the entire story so far, all about the break down and redemption of Pentagon Jr., all the way up to his bone-breaking skull ninja Gandalf-esque color upgrade to full dark. LU has been much better about the classic “wait and see” than WWE, but it's hard right now to find justification for the wet fart ending to what looked to be an intense match. MUSCLE RATING: ***, I guess

Tay and Ivelisse never gets going anywhere. The two have a fun little brawl, but before a second gear could be reached (with signs pointing to the possibility that they were never going to get out of first gear) the lights go out. Catrina (in wrestling garb!) teleports in, knocks out Ivelisse, and allows Taya to get the win. MUSCLE RATING: **

So I will commence with complaints here, as they don't really apply to the main event, but for all of the greatness and promise of the first part, it feels like it had been mostly squandered by now. Ultima Lucha Dos had been plagued with the exact same bits I fucking hate about the WWE, and the exact same bits that had made ROH such a chore to watch. Interferences galore, no conclusive ends, run-ins, unfulfilled potential. All there. Except for the main, every single match had a run-in of some kind or another, some kind of dumb, idiotic ending that led to an unsatisfying conclusion.

It's not even that LU hasn't done this before. But they do it more sparingly than you might think, as most of their matches have a definitive end, not but so often marred by the usual wrestling tropes. Ultima Lucha Dos is different, however, and is made the worse for it since this is supposed to be your finale. WrestleMania used to be where the angles would end and you would start anew (or finish off some residual plot threads) for the next year. That has not been true, mostly, for years now. Same with ULD; this is your season finale.

I get it, to a point. It's a show. You need people to have a reason to tune again, hence: dangling threads, inconclusiveness. But I feel like it has to be done better than what we had here. Some potentially good to great matches were neutered because of the need to set up season three. Ultima Lucha Uno had a much better sense of closure, and for good reason: they thought that it would be their only season. Now, we know not only that there's a season three but that it's already filmed, so they could proceed to book the crap what which they've booked. If this is how they finish their finale, I hope every single season of LU ends with them not knowing if they are coming back again just so we can have more firm, definitive finishes and less of this interference nonsense.

There has got to be some middle ground between setup and still having great matches that work within themselves. Fuck, throw in some extra vignettes if you want to set up the future that badly.

Anyway, to better things...

In your main event, Prince Puma attempts to dethrone the king, Rey Mysterio. Unlike Orton and Lesnar, this is an actual, veritable dream match and – yes – it lives up exactly to the height promised.

Puma and his other performer are, and I say this every time, fucking world class talents, easily top ten, probably top five as far as best wrestlers going today is concerned. Rey, while having clearly lost much of his physical step, knows how to put on a match and does so here with a more than capable opponent.  It's always a unique change of pace when you get Puma – who normally would be considered undersized – taking on someone smaller, as you see Puma utilize even more of the strength vectors of his move set. Rey has long since learned to wrestle smart, and though he hasn't done much different than you've seen of him in the last decade or so, he knows when to use it and how to use it for effect, and the results are obvious. There's some great character stuff with Puma being slightly heelish here, with the mentality that he has to take the old master out to pasture. Rey rallies hard and gets the win; I would have preferred a Puma win, but I get it, plus there are some...disputes with Puma in real life, or so I've heard. Whatever the case this is one the few matches that had the hype going in an proceeded to realize that hype; if only the rest of Ultima Lucha could have followed suit. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4

The commentators freak out over the spectacle...until both get taken out by Pentagon Dark. He beats down Vampiro and using the barbed wire bat, proceeds to bloody Vampiro.

Well. That's going going to be a thing in season three.

Dario is arrested at the end and shoved into a police van. Cop lights flash blue and red, as Dario looks on menacingly, echoing his final appearance from season one.

SEE YOU IN SEASON THREE

NXT 07/20/16

Three big matches tonight, and all three matches have heavyweight mastodon folks involved (and Bayley).

We start with Samoa Joe and Rhyno in what turned out to be a nice little filler match a Joe bides his time between feuds. Joe's underrated character work is on display here, as his dominant dick head self struts around the ring and impressively imposes its will on Rhyno of all people. Rhyno looked good here as well, energetic and feisty as he tries to take down the emperor. Joe gets the win with a Coquina Clutch; good stuff here by both guys. Solid, entertaining hoss-meat battle. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

Asuka gets a promo. “I fight Bayley. I fight Nia. I fight both.”

Well o-god damn-kay! A Bayley/Jax/Asuka triple threat would be...something, I think. Still, I'm confident in my obvious Bayley/Asuka II prediction for NYC.

They mention the draft. American Alpha, Nia Jax, Alexa Bliss, Carmella and Mojo are all on notice. Balor was a foregone conclusion. Jax needs more work, I think, as does Bliss and Carmella. AA are ready to go, and have been for months. Mojo should have been drafted into a wood chipper.

American Alpha get assaulted by the Authors of Pain before their match. Despite this, AA decide to continue their bout. Authors of Pain are the new kids in town and are each have to be about three hundos per; plus, AA are on their way to Smackdown, so you already know how this plays out, and it's not in AA's favor. Jordan and Gable are hellaciously strong, with Gable hitting an exploding suplex on one of these guys like he would on just about anyone else. AA really try to make this exciting, but AOP are just too big and get the win. I suppose I get AA jobbing hard to the Authors, but I still am miffed that, of all the tags, American Alpha – and I say this and mean it, they are the best tag team in the entierty of the WWE today  – were the chosen lambs for the new guy sacrifice. Jury's still out on AOP, who seem to have not much more than the usual, staid, WWE big guy offense. Paul Ellering's hands must be warm by now because he rubs them all the time like a serial villain. MUSCLE RATING: **1/4

Revival cut a promo. Synopsis: they are the best. Except CiamGano show up, thirsty for a title shot. Revival are dismissive butts about the thing. Also, Hideo Itami returns in two weeks! But guys, my groin though, have we not considered that?

Patrick Clark, the Tough Enough standout who's house show gimmick was basically a wrestling version of Donald Trump, comes out with tights that makes it looked like he skinned America and is wearing its flesh. Aries is next. Most I can say is that Clark looks quite athletic (but is he athletic enough to be a ROH athletic negro?). Aries wins, No Way Jose comes out and attacks him. This rivalry is heating up, like a pebble left in the rear window of a car in spring weather. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASH

Your main event of the evening (and again, I love it how, when the women's angle becomes important enough, it gets to regularly main episodes of NXT) is Bayley vs. Nia Jax III. Bayley is again doing the redemption “beat up all the people who beat me!” arc, but I am dubious of this one. It's going to lead, inevitably, to her and Asuka clashing again – but then what? Bayley was not selected in the recent draft. Some hopeful speculation persists it's because she was secretly drafted and will be Sasha Banks' partner at Battleground.

Or, what if that's not the case? Which is easily as likely, by the way. She goes and faces Asuka and beats her for the title, that means that Bayley is down in NXT for longer, likely heading to the main roster around Mania. Or maybe she loses to Asuka in Brooklyn and debuts right after SummerSlam? It's tough to say, but at this point I think Bayley needs to be brought up sooner rather than later, as we try not to lose sleep over the in-story logic of them not drafting Bayley but drafting Jax and Bliss instead.

The match itself is perhaps the second best match these two have had, and it's technically better than their London encounter, if not as dramatic and nail biting. Nia Jax has been on the uptick of improvement (though she's still not quite main roster ready, but maybe she'll prove everyone wrong) and in this match she shows ample personality, as she arrogantly tosses Bayley out and yelling at her. She even whipped out a jackhammer on Bayley.

Bayley, as good as she is, I think is genuinely underrated for being able to carry a match; she displays some of the finest face fire in the company here, showing new layers of aggression and working with equal parts intelligence and tenacity. She gets hit, and hard, but she makes a come back, and she picks her spots. This is different from the desperate measure she used in London that happened to work, or the second encounter where it did not work as well. Here, she's on the attack and maximizes all opportunities. At the end, Jax takes to the top rope, allowing a swift Bayley to charge up and hit a top rope Bayley-to-Belly and getting a decisive win. A fun match, well worked by both. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

Cruiserweight Classic #2

SMALL GUYS!

In your opening first round match of the episode, Aussie export Damian Slater (with that Bayside High ass name) challenges the 45 year old Taijri, making his official return to the WWE!

Slater looks real good in the ring. Mauro and Bryan call him smooth, and I cannot disagree. He doesn't exactly standout, but he looks as if he knows what he's doing. Taijri looks quite good as well, but then his WWE style was never as intensive as his old ECW days. Taijiri still uses that sneaky, devious style of devastating precision kicks and overall crafty trickery that I always saw in Marafuji. Taijiri wins with a buzz-saw kick. Nice, basic opener. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

TJP is apparently an MRA type of guy but at least he's a kickass wrestler, as demonstrated here as he takes on Da Mack. Da Mack, the “urban German,” is a moon walking, MJ inspired high flyer, whom I believe has dabbled in WXW. The announcers make a good call with the Alex Wright comparisons. Mauro calls them both “charismatic enigmas,” which you can do since Brother Nero has now been DELETED.

TJP, and this cannot be emphasized enough, is so fucking good. I've been a fan of his wrestling for at least a decade or so, and I'm glad that he finally gets this platform to show off. His transitions are silk, his submissions are elegant. My kingdom for a TJP/Tyson Kidd match that it seems will never happen.

Da Mack looked fine, but was clearly out of step with TJP. Make no mistake: this is TJP's match. The fans are huge behind him, though Da Mack seems to have gone out some with his character, though his wrestling will hopefully catch up. Da Mack also used a classic Human Tornado spot, which at least raised a few dozen of my eyebrows. TJP gets the win, and despite his dumb opinions on things, should absolutely get signed by the WWE. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

I took an instant liking to Mustafa Ali for some reason, and I cannot tell you why. Perhaps it was his look, I don't know. I'm hoping his wrestling follows suit. Of all the people in this damn thing I am almost entirely puzzled by Lince Dorado's presence. I never hated the guy back in his Chikara days; it just seemed as if he fell off the face of the universe since leaving Chikara, and to see him spring up so suddenly was quite a shock.

What else is a shock? He's really god damn polished here, much more than I ever remembered. The years look to have been kind to the man, as he puts in a great effort here, with the crowd firmly behind him (seems he's spent his Chikara exile in Florida). Ali was a little slow I thought, but he seemed to click as the match went on and the two had one of the better matches in the tournament so far. Dorado hit Ali with a sweet springboard poison rana, and Ali had one of the most impressive Spanish Fly executions I've ever seen. A missed imploding 450 from Ali sets up a Shooting Star Press from Dorado, and Ali is eliminated. Dorado clearly has been utilizing his lost years, and I hope to see more of Ali. Develop that man! MUSCLE RATING: ***

In your main event, Akira Tozawa (possibly my favorite guy in the entire tournament) battles Kenneth Johnson, a dude from Detroit who looks like he could be Omar from The Wire's brother. Tozawa's theme sounds like a knock off of that one Kill Bill theme you hear all the time.

The whole match was strangely off. It seemed as if Johnson just couldn't get to a level for Tozawa to work with, and Tozawa had to try double hard to put the whole mess together by the end. Johnson showed flashes of potential, but he seemed oddly stilted. Tozawa, as always, was incredible, and the crowd took to him instantly, as well they should. It was unusual to see someone the inexperience of Johnson going 50/50 with a guy like Tozawa, but the the announcers and Tozawa tried damned hard to make it work. A beautiful snap German and another bridging German (with the call of the night from Bryan to accompany it) leaves the lasting impression. I hope Akira advances further along the tournament against better opponents so everyone could see what he can really do. MUSCLE RATING: **1/4

Episode #11 - Date: 3/20-1986 (Osaka Castle Hall)

Six Woman Tag Team Match Devil Masami, Mika Komatsu & Kanako Nagatomo vs. Bull Nakano, Chela Salazar & Zuleyma

Mika Mokatsu seemed to have had a lot of tag action in her career, which lasted about six years. She tagged for a time with her partner, Nagatomo, of whom I could find even less information. Devil Masami, obviously, speaks for herself.

Bull takes charge of the Gokuaku Domei Mexican Charter, teaming with Chela Salazar and there-is-no-Dana-only-Zuleyma. Most I got on Salazar is that she was a female Mexican wrestler which – I mean, okay, yes but it's still basic information. Zuleyma has way more readily available intel, including the fact that she was the first ever WWA World Women's Champion and had a litany of success in Mexico.

Bull's makeup and style has grown progressively crazier and crazier as the episodes roll through time, and here is no exception as she appears to have slaughtered a fiefdom of Smurfs for her shock blue hair and makeup. Her cohorts and, inexplicably, Devil Masami are all dressed like they're wrestling in Bedrock.

Whomever the pink stripped girl on Devil's team was was quite athletic. The match is little remarkable, with Salazar and Zuleyma showing nearly nothing in what I presume was a clipped match. This is another Bull showcase, as her power and comman grows as she gains more strength and confidence as the years go on. AJW Jr. Heavyweight Championship Condor Saito (c) vs. Hisako Uno

I think this is a sort of rematch from their rookie tournament. Another presumably clipped match as Hisako wins the match and the title almost instantly, even after Condor applied the tried and true Dump Army method of suckering her opponent in. What I've noticed here in 1986 is that the outfits are becoming more and more elaborate, slowly shifting away from the striped swimsuits of years past.

Japan Grand Prix League Match Kazue Nagahori vs. Yumi Ogura

RED TYPHOON EXPLODES

These tournaments love pitting partners against one another. This is another match that looked good, but I'm guessing was clipped since I believe I saw that it was a thirty minute time limit and yet the match went to a draw. In about five minutes. God, I wished these shows would just show the full match. What we saw was good, and there was a real sense of struggle which, as I've mentioned, is like a hallmark of this era of women's wrestling.

Japan Grand Prix League Match Dump Matsumoto vs. Yukari Omori

This match.

Another League Match, this time Dump takes on Omori, now on her own since Jumbo retired, rendering The Dynamite Girls inert. Dump comes out in insanely badass samurai armor; it's like the company spent all of its money on face paint and cool entrances for Dump and her crew. Speaking of which, Shiro Abe returns, now fully decked out in Dump makeup and clothes, looking like he has to tell his wife something he discovered about himself.

Omori arrives in football gear, looking like a cuter diminutive Brian Battler. Dump spends most of the early match beating the Yukari Warrior while cutting promos on the mic. Soon, Devil, who was hanging ringside, gets involved and tries to protect Yukari. Dump eventually uses a chain like she's Birdie, choking Omori and tossing her around the ring. Chigusa arrives and attacks the ever living crap out of Dump. Within minutes after, all members of both sides flood the ring like ants, and what breaks out could best be described in the words of scholar, poet laruete and esteemed spokesperson Brock Lesnar from his seminal work, “that promo he cut that one time”: Utter freakin' chaos.”

Women are everywhere, and the crowd is whipped into some fanatical tremor. The scissors show up. Dump pulls on Chigusa's hair which, as we know, is a giant middle finger to Chigusa. The ref is fighting Abe, everyone is fighting each other; eventually the match is stopped, until some agreement is made to continue. Dump pretends  to be fair until she almost immediately retrieves the scissors and cuts at Omori's hair. Omori makes a comeback, until Dump turns it around and proceeds to STAB THE FUCKING SCISSORS RIGHT INTO OMORI'S ARM AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS A WRESTLING SHOW FOR YOUNG GIRLS AND WHAT IS THIS. Then she uses the fucking cane! The match ends in a double count out but the god damn sheer drop madness refuses to end there as Bull starts BITING THE BLOODY SCISSOR WOUND. Eventually, Omori spits on Dump and punches the ref. Christ. What a scene. Dump matches tend to devolve into brutal segments, and this one has got to be one of the worst I have ever seen; the scissor stab bothers me more than most CZW death matches I've seen. Bloody fucking hell. MUSCLE RATING: ***

WWWA World Tag Team Championship Noriyo Tateno & Itsuki Yamazaki (c) vs. Chigusa Nagayo & Lioness Asuka

Chigusa is wearing pants now!

There's little to say except this match is freakin' awesome. That's my professional opinion. Both teams go balls out, and it's rare that tag wrestling gets this good. The match seems just a little clipped, but not quite so much that you cannot see the action here. The Crush Gals rise to the occasion in big time tag matches, and the Jumping Bomb Angels are damned good, and a very good reason why they were involved in the best Royal Rumble match for years. Also, I am a squealing piece of trash for Lioness Asuka and this match only cements my landfill status; she kicks every inch of ass here (par for the course) and takes it hard to the JBA. The Crush Gals get the win and the titles in a big emotional moment, and, again, they are on top of the wrestling world. A damned good match. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4

STAPEDIUS REVIEWS:

YOSHI-HASHI is commanding a strong presence early on, as he clearly has something to prove as he takes out  Kenny Omega in what was the best match of day 2. Nakajima is starting off strong, though really considering he beat Toru Yano he has yet to get some of the greater challenges in the League. Naito and Shibata are starting off losers, with Honma getting his win back from the NEVER title match he had with Shibata.

Tenzan continues his early streak as he looks to live up to his promise of winning the G1. That being said, I'm going to be the heel here and say that I hope Tenzan loses, and loses hard. I want to see him disappointed and I want to drink the sorrowful nectar of his failed fans.

Ahem.

Tama Tonga has gone right back to sucking all manner of ass. Goto and Ishii had the kind of hoss battle you'd expect, and it was my favorite bout from day 3. Marufuji failed at toppling Bad Luck – Bad Luck Fale, by the way, is awful, and I say that even having seen those supposedly good matches of his. I get that his role is important but he's such a waste of space in NJPW, and bogs down the typically glorious G1.

Okada finally got on the board, winning a decent match against SANADA. Tanahashi continues to fall as Makabe picks up a big, brutal win, and you wonder if Tanahashi can recover from this.

(he will)

Day 2

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Kenny Omega vs. YOSHI-HASHI MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. Toru Yano MUSCLE RATING: **

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

EVIL vs. Michael Elgin MUSCLE RATING: ***

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Tetsuya Naito vs. Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Katsuyori Shibata vs. Tomoaki Honma  MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4

Day 3

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Tama Tonga MUSCLE RATING: *3/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hirooki Goto vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Bad Luck Fale vs. Naomichi Marufuji MUSCLE RATING: **

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Kazuchika Okada vs. SANADA MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

NXT – 07/13/16

In his first appearance since slaying the demon Balor, the Emperor Beast of NXT and your champion, Samoa Joe, arrives. He cuts a promo running down Balor and Nakamura, laying claim to his dominance over NXT.

Rhyno, of all people, arrives and stakes his claim to being next to take on Joe. Next week: Joe vs. Rhyno in a non-title match, or: filler until we get around to picking out Joe's next opponent for Brooklyn.

Finn Balor vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

So, this is the whole show, then. We get a few promos before hand, wrestlers giving their thoughts about this match, some match announcements for next week. But really, it's all about this main event, which harkens back to the early post-Network as well as the pre-Network days when NXT would just throw out dream matches on regular airings left and right.

To show you how serious they are about this match, they get the “champion's lighting” even though no title is on the line here.

The first chunk of this match mostly sees Balor with control over Nakamura, trying what he can to take Nak out by the knees, which is logical storytelling considering they both were in New Japan, so Balor knows Nak's power point. It doesn't totally stop Nakamura, however, although while he was still able to use his knee strikes, they had less power; so much so that Balor became the first NXT/WWE star to actually kick out of a Kinshasa (though in New Japan, Nak would often need like four or five Boma Ye's to get a win).

The two trade big moves back and forth, and we get some exciting near falls out of the deal. This is absolutely one of the best matches Balor has had since coming to NXT, and you could easily see this conflict on a TakeOver special. It's a valiant effort on Balor's part, but not enough, as Nakamura gets the win and, presumably, the shot at Joe's title. Great match by both men, as this appears to be the seeming swan song for NXT-era Balor. This had a feel similar to some of Nevile's post title-loss NXT matches as he was integrated into the main roster. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4

Cruiser Weight Classic #1

A nice little video package to start us off; it's narrated by Triple H, a wrestler of some renown, as he waxes poetic about how great and grand and glorious these tiny cruiser weight gnomes are.

The intro is awash with purple, seemingly taking place in some alley, as all of the tournament competitors stand around, looking utterly lost. Two robot ninja dudes speed through them, and it's CWC time.

The whole show is presented as that much more different than the base brand; it has a very professional, very sports-like feel, which you would think I abhor but I find I actually love the legitimacy in a professional wrestling context. This must be, I wondered, what sports fans are like. The ramp is different, the mats and colors are all different, the music and mood is different.

We have our first round match as Gran Metalik (AKA Mascara Dorada in Mexico) takes on Alejandro Saez. Each match has a pre-match bumper, with a “versus” screen that looks like it's ripped from a fighting game, with a tale of the tape as you see each wrestler's stats and nationality. Two things before I start so I won't belabor the point from here on out: all of the music is fantastic and varied (going with the fighting game feel, HoHo Lun's music feels like Ken's level from Street Fighter II). Even if you never see these guys again, they all (so far) have fully realized musical entrances. Another thing to note is that the commentary with Mauro Renallo and Daniel Bryan is incredible. The two of them are engaging, insightful, energetic, knowledgeable, and their joy of the action (action they actually call and not ramble over about other stories) is infectious. You have people online criticizing Bryan for mistiming issues, and I personally can't put any stock in that opinion; it comes off as the barest, most vain of nitpicks by people just looking for something negative to say. Mauro and Bryan have instantly become the best commentator team in the WWE in years – and yes, I'll even take them over the much coveted Graves/Phillips team from NXT. They're good, but I've always thought the commentator-as-character gimmick was silly and unnecessary. I know there's been this ill founded, pernicious belief for years that Bryan doesn't know how to talk, which has always been confusingly wrong. It's even less of a thing here on the CWC; it's weird hearing commentators who actually enjoy what they watch, and are brimming with enthusiasm over the action.

ANYWAY

Gran Metalik vs. Alejandro Saez

I've spoken of Metalik already, but Saez is an interesting case. He's the biggest man in the tournament, having cut significant weight to get into the CWC. He's most notable in that he apparently founded wrestling in Chile, a fact of which endearingly amazes Bryan (“They have wrestling in CHILE????”).

The match is just the kind of opener you needed, with crazy dives and some great wrestling. Anyone who has seen Dorada in Mexico or New Japan already knew how good and talented a wrestler Metalik is, but Saez utterly surprised me. He did some surprising flips, had some mean strikes, and showed a lot more (albeit somewhat goofy) personality than I had assumed he would have. The bigger name won out, however, as Metalik sunk Saez and moved on in the tournament. Fun opener. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

Ho Ho Lun vs. Ariya Daivari

Ho Ho Lun already came in as somewhat established; from the start, Lun was able to endear himself to many fans before he ever even wrestled, which says something about a kind of charisma he has. Daivari, however, was more unknown: having mostly wrestled in Minnesota, Daivari is the brother of that Daivari, of Hassan and Davari infamy. Even from his quick introduction, you can tell that Daivari has something to prove.

The quickest assessment of this match is: Lun was outclassed in nearly every wrestling metric. Lun was able to garner a ton of crowd support; the fans chanted his name to the “ole” tune, he also got chants of “let's go Ho Ho.” But in wrestling, facials, strikes, Lun looked mostly loss. This is not even meant in a malicious tone; the truth is, Lun is still impressive. He loved wrestling so much he learned Judo for a year (incorrectly thinking that they were pro wrestling lessons) and introduced wrestling to China, much like how Saez brought wrestling to Chile. He would need extensive work, but there's an undeniable passion when it comes to Lun and wrestling.

Daivari on the other, had quite the showing, leading Lun to a watchable match whilst looking honed and crisp the entire time. What was also noteworthy was that Daivari immediately established himself as a “bad guy,” which has a different feel in a tournament focused less on story and more on wrestling.

Lun advances, but like with Saez I do hope someone takes a look at Daivari. MUSCLE RATING: **1/2

Cedric Alexander vs. Clement Petiot

Anyone who has read even a few scant words of my ROH reviews knows how much I've always liked Alexander, and how I've always lamented how ROH dropped the ball with him. It's early, I know, but it's weird that I live in a time where a WWE show did more with Cedric Alexander in one match than Ring of Honor did in his entire tenure there.

Clement Petiot is another virtual unknown; he's a French wrestler who trained with and patterned himself off of Lance Storm, and it shows. He comes in with a heavy, hard hitting style in contrast to what we've seen before, which mostly has been lucha, American indie, or high flying cruiser weight styles. To point to more brilliance to the commentators, they give us notice about this difference of styles. Petiot comes off to me like a French Ciampa.

This was another good match in the tournament, as Cedric tries to avoid the laying-in fisticuffs style of Petiot. The commentators make note on how Cedric had to drop something like thirty or twenty five pounds to enter the tournament and, like with Saez, they speculate as to how much that might affect him. Petiot clearly knows what he's doing, and Cedric continues to show why people were scratching their heads at ROH's misuse of him. It's also notable that Petiot also establishes himself as a non-crowd favorite. Cedric wins with the Lumbar Check, which looks devastating here. Big support for Cedric and Petiot showed potential. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4

Also, Cedric pulls off a little tiny bit of World of Sport wrestling at the beginning. What the shit, ROH?

Kota Ibushi vs. Sean Maluta

Kota Ibushi is perhaps the biggest, world renown star in this tournament, or at least is certainly the one with the most hype. Anyone who has seen a match of “the Golden Star” would see why; not only is he an amazing aerialist, he has, as Bryan emphasizes to no end, some of the most brutal kicks in all of wrestling. It's surreal seeing Ibushi in a WWE context, but here we are. Just a year and a half ago, Ibushi was involved in the best match of 2015 when he took Shinsuke Nakamura to the limit in New Japan.

Sean Maluta is another utter unknown, with ties to the Anoa'i family. He's representing Samoa and dresses like a paint chip eating Uso brother (the “Malachi Jackson” of the Usos), but there's little to go off from there.

But see, here's what's great about this tournament: your known knowns, known unknowns, and unknown unknowns. If you're watching this, you likely already know about the heavier names like Kota Ibushi, Taijiri, and the like. But a greater number of those people have not the foggiest sense on who a Sean Maluta is; I watch a good amount of wrestling and I never heard of the guy. Hell, I don't know half the guys in this tournament. Daniel freaking Bryan admitted the same, so points for the scouring of talent.

It could be a crap shoot either way. There could be, and likely will be, someone utterly devoid of any redeeming quality; on the other hand, you could get some pleasant surprises, and even as far as the night has gone that has already been true.

Clearly, someone thought enough of Sean Maluta to pair him across from Kota Ibushi. What's great is, Maluta actually does a serviceable job of holding his own. Ibushi, of course, is so good he can (and actually has) had compelling matches with literal blowup dolls. But Maluta was right in there with him, and was taking it to Ibushi. Maluta does suffer a visually nasty spill, but here's where the quality, Vince McMahon-less commentary comes to light. On the main roster, they would have made some dumb joke if they even acknowledged it; here, they recognize it while Bryan goes into a whole thing about how sometimes shit happens, and in a high stakes tournament like this you are doing things you normally would never do to get ahead. You know they would do the same in a “real” sport.

Bryan drives home that Ibushi has taken a lot of neck damage, which I'm curious as to whether or not that will be a running narrative in the tournament. Whatever the case, the match goes tit-for-tat, with Maluta getting the win after a flush savate kick. Ibushi's power and aerial expertise seize the day, however, as he blasts Maluta with a Last Ride sit out power bomb for the win. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

I'm already sold on this concept. The matches were fun, the presentation is stellar, and the prospect of more matches and future match ups only entices further. Win or lose, there are a lot of these wrestlers that need a serious looking at once this whole thing wraps up.

Lucha Underground: Ultima Lucha Dos Part Two THE GIFT OF THE GODS! (Oh, you shouldn't have mortals. But I'm glad you did) It's Daga vs. Killshot vs. Marty the Moth vs. Mariposa vs. Sexy Star vs. Sinestro de la Muerte vs. Night Claw ti kick off the second act of Ultima Lucha Dos.

This match can be divided in two, with the second half being dominated by the remnants of the Moth/Mariposa/Star plot. The first chunk of the match is classic LU affair; multiple stories playing out, great action. Up until his tragic early elimination, Daga was by far the star of the early match; the man has been a great delight in his few appearances this season, we just need maybe a story of some revelation about him. I guess he has some of a story, as Kobra Moon gazes longingly from afar. Sinestro is eliminated first which really puts a capper on how kind of shrugged and discarded the whole Death's disciples thing wound up being.

The next showcase is for Killshot and the debuting Night Claw. I still think Night Claw has more to show (though he did well here) but Killshot put in one of his best performances to date and had the crowd rocking for him. Night Claw, somewhat surprisingly, is the third eliminated after Sinestro and Daga.

It's Killshot/Mariposa/Moth/Star. Another great mix of stories; Killshot has had his feud with Marty, while Star had the obvious conflict with Marty and his sister Mariposa. This chunk continues on like a mixed tornado tag with some good offense from the good guys, until Star gets taken out. Killshot gets eliminated after an impressive “Gringo Killa” move from Mariposa.

Star is at a disadvantage until an errant punch from Marty knocks Mariposa clean the hell out which leads to her elimination. Star and Marty go at it until Star cinches in a cross arm breaker and causes Marty to tap out. Star is the new GotG champion! Nothing show stealing, but some solid high flying action and a logical convergence of stories. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4

In a LUCHA VIGNETTE, Cortez and Joey Ryan are wiring up Cisco. Cisco is logically nervous, as one would tend to be considering they have to try and ensnare a sociopathic mad man with a lust for violence and a muscle bound murder machine possessed by a cannibal god. You know. Lucha things.

Your main for the evening is Mil Muertes vs. King Cuerno in a death match. The feud has been somewhat rushed or half-assedly played out, at least. It's like they had other, more story relevant things to worry about, while still trying to find something for main player Muertes and also-big-player-but-you-would-not-know-it King Cuerno. Also, the “death match” title has always been a great nebulous expanse of a term. Does it mean a hardcore match? Does it mean a last man standing match? Maybe an LMS match where you have to pin the person first? Here, it's simply “fuck da rules.”

What we get out of this is a fun brawl, pretty much echoing some of the better crowd-walk battles of old ECW hardcore matches. LU has always been decent about using their environment, and here is no different as they take to the stands, the stairs, and even fight through the band area, which has a great moment where it looked as if Muertes was going to sing on the mic.

Once they get back down from there, the match truly hits a new gear. Besides a drop onto a ladder, you have Muertes going something north of nuclear after Cuerno threatened Catrina. He spears Cuerno through a table and power bombs the poor sod through three separate tables back to back. In what is a distinctly brutal spot, Muertes jumps off the top rope and hits Cuerno in the back of the head with a fucking crowbar and I got flashbacks to some of the more violent scenes from Casino. A tombstone pile driver later, and Muertes is your winner and Cuerno is probably as dead as Dillinger on a movie night. Great brawl; LU seems to do really well with that match type. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

Mr. Cisco is in Dario's office. Cisco is a pretty decent wrestler but he's Baron-Corbin-wrestling levels of terrible at trying to slip a fast one past Dario. Dario quickly deduces there's a wire, and proceeds to lay firm foundation for some of the cops' claims against him by killing the holy crap out of Cisco with the paperweight-with-a-body-count, the red bull on Dario's desk. Afterward, he gets on the phone and declares, “it's time.”

AJW Classics #10

Date: 1/5-1986 (Korakuen Hall) WWWA Tag Team Championship - 2/3 Falls Itsuki Yamazaki & Noriyo Tateno (c) vs. Bull Nakano & Condor Saito

It's the Jumping Bomb Angels versus the Gokuaku Domei B-team of Bull Nakano and Condor Saito, who I think has only showed up as the second to the Domei and has yet to wrestle on Classics.

It's hard to rate this match as it's clearly clipped, something that's becoming more and more obvious to me as I watch Classics. The first two falls are sped through in literal minutes, while what's shown is mostly the final fall. Bull regales us with more of her nunchuck action, making Uncle Ruckus proud. As is always the case with a Dump Army match, there is plenty of violence, ambush attacks, and weapons, but it's always satisfying to see the tables well and truly turned as the JBA use the chucks with extensive flare against the Domei.

Bull is the highlight here, showing some outstanding heel tendencies including holding Itsuki in a reverse pile driver and taunting Tateno with the fate of her partner. Itsuki, it should be noted, is quite a good face in peril. Tateno eventually gets a last ditch, desperate German for the win. Lioness Asuka congratulates the pair. Not going to rate it due to my realizing how clipped it was, but from what was shown it looked quite good. What's nice about the “b-team” is that they are generally more wrestlers than any combination including Dump.

Date: 1/9-1986 (Nagoya) WWWA Tag Team Championship - 2/3 Falls Itsuki Yamazaki & Noriyo Tateno (c) vs. Dump Matsumoto & Bull Nakano

If there is only one thing certain in life, it's not death or taxes, it's that a Dump match will start with an assault from her army. The match goes as such for a time, and it seems that Dump has been finding new “Violent Japanese Heel Weapons” outlets because she brings in a giant oil drum that I'm sure will have freshly cooked chicken in it if you broke it open (clearly, her dealer is from Metro City).

Itsuki, quality face in peril, gets bloodied and her leg pummeled. In a nice bit of realistic psychology, she hobbles around the ring as Dump blocks the corner with Tateno; eventually, Itsuki just dives out the ring to the other side, suffering a further beating by the Domei but eventually being saved by the other girls and returned to her partner. Another thing to always remember about a Dump match is that, every time you wrestle against the Gokuaku Domei, you're essentially wrestling a lumberjack match that is not in your face.

Itsuki dishes out a masterclass in selling, as the girl sells the ever loving crap out of her leg; she bandages it, she hops around, she recoils in pain after every move. She hits a top rope drop kick and tearfully clutches her leg as she goes for the pin. It's good stuff, if you're into that. There's also a nice bit of drama: Dump goes after Itsuki's knee with a garbage can, only for Tateno to get in the way and gets blasted by the weapon instead, all in a bid to protect her partner. At the end of it all, an Itsuki German suplex seals the deal for the JBA.

Date: 2/15-1986 (Kawasaki) AJW Tag Team Championship Yumi Ogura & Kazue Nagahori vs. Bull Nakano & Condor Saito

So it seems Ogura and Nagahori were the Red Typhoons. We've gone over Ogura before (Hyper Cat) and it seems that Nagahori wrestled like twenty six times, beat some notable names, and never stepped foot in the ring again; such is her legacy.

What I'm getting out of this is that the Gokuaku Domei were mad thirsty for some tag gold; this episode alone has them involved in two unsuccessful bids for the WWWA tag titles, and now this match for the AJW tag belts.

The match has a nice, bizarre change of pace as it's the Red Typhoon who are actually aggressors, making them perhaps the only damn team in AJW who actually watches matches of their opponents. What's fun to see with Typhoon is that they are notably acrobatic, utilizing assisted flips and sentons to immobilize their opponents. The aggression showed to the Bull and Condor is such that, at one point, Condor has to get her arm put back in its socket while she rests at ring side.

Another bit I''d like to point out is that Condor, more than just about the rest of the Domei, is more of a wrestler. Bull, Dump, Crane, just about everyone else is fine with power moves, aggressive slams, weapons, and generally using their weight to their advantage. Condor, perhaps as a necessity by being on the smaller side, actually applies holds and submissions.

It's a good enough match from what we're shown, but again it's clipped. Red Typhoon gets the win, and the Domei are denied once more from garnering any gold.

Jaguar Yokota Retirement Match Jaguar Yokota vs. Devil Masami

God damn, the 26/27 year old age limit of AJW was brutal. Or was this because of Jaguar's shoulder? I'm honestly not sure, but either way the age limit I think did more harm than good, in the long term. I think this is historically accurate, as all of these talented women's wrestlers had nowhere to go so would start forming their own promotions, splitting the fan base a million different ways during the nineties.

As for this, it's tough to see, especially as Jaguar was one of the best they had. The mantle, it seems, was passed on to Devil. The match is fast and evenly matched, but retirement matches have something like a five or sevn minute time limit, so the bell rings and that's the last of Jaguar Yokota. Lioness Asuka comes in and for reasons slightly beyond me attacks Jaguar, and the two have a quick, unsanctioned, impromptu match. Then they hug. Then Devil hugs. Then they all hugs. There's music and tears and flowers and speeches I don't understand. This is a match from a billion years ago, and I already lament being unable to see more of Jaguar in AJW.

STAPEDIUS REVIEWS:

Sendai Girls 10th Anniversary Show ~ Women's Wrestling Big Show In Niigata

Sendai Girls World Title Match

Meiko Satomura (c) vs. Io Shirai MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4 (OMEGA MUSCLE)

Yes, I actually enjoyed the match that much. Io Shirai is world glass and Meiko Satomura is a god damned all-timer, and as someone said somewhere on the internet, this feud is like the “Okada and Tanahashi” of women's feuds. Let the comparison stand not as gender substitutions but as recognition of two top tier wrestlers going at it. Io is even better, I think, when she displays her asshole side, as she does here. If this were a just world, Satomura would be spoken about in the same breath as many of the top wrestlers going today – because she is. A personal MOTYC for me.

G1 Climax 26

Christmas in the summer for wrestling fans as arguably the greatest collection of wrestling to take place at any point in the calender year kicked off just the other day with the G1 Climax 26!

Tenzan looks to follow through on his want to reach the top in what is supposedly his last G1 as has a brutal, knock down fight with Ishii (it's impossible not to). Great showing by Tenzan, who looks to go out in a blaze of glory.

SANADA not only defeated Tanahashi he made the Ace of the Universe tap out with the Cold Skull! Another great match, and SANADA'S biggest win to date. It makes sense; Tanahashi had been out for months with a grievous arm injury and it helped cost him the match – not helped by the fact that SANADA is dangerous as hell.

You know if this were Cena or Reigns, they would have easily won their first match back, even if they had been gone for a year after being run over by a tractor combine and set on fire. One of the many reasons why Tanahashi is a living legend; the man can take a loss, a logical one at that, and is still seen as a king.

In yet another surprise, Okada got soundly beaten by Marufuji! I had never been down on Marufuji like it seemed the greater internet collective had been, and I'm glad he's here showing what he could do. Marufuji had always been one of the more crafty, devious wrestlers out there, and he showed this by nearly tearing Okada's arm out of his socket and finding a thousand ways to get out of the Rainmaker, before a few flying knees and a pole-shift Emerald Fusion Kai took Okada out.

Great start to what is hopefully going to be a stellar tournament.

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Tama Tonga vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Bad Luck Fale vs. Hirooki Goto MUSCLE RATING: **1/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. SANADA MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Kazuchika Okada vs. Naomichi Marufuji MUSCLE RATING: ****1/2 (SUPREME MUSCLE)

NXT 07/06/16

This is perhaps the first time I've gone into a series of NXT tapings without having any idea of what is to come. Typically, I read the NXT spoilers, but in order to avoid seeing spoilers for the CWC I avoided all Full Sail based reveals. This is all uncharted territory for me, now. Bayley and Bliss kick off this wild frontier. While I do think people give Bliss just a tad too much credit here, this is the best I think she's ever looked. I've also noticed that I've said that about her in nearly every match she's been in for the last few months, but it's true; her improvement has sky rocketed. Alexa Bliss is hitting the Singularity of improvement, I hope, where bouts between outstanding showings grow shorter and shorter until she could very well be considered one of the best women wrestlers in NXT. I mean, she already is at this rate, just falling miles short of Bayley and a few miles more of Asuka, but she's easily the top of the women's mid-card scene right now. This match is also damned fantastic, and one of the best TV women's matches in quite some time. Bliss showed a commanding edge, making you forget that she's basically a sprite compared to most people. At one point, she appears to have Misawa-styled knocked the absolute crap out of Bayley. This match also shows why Bayley is one of the best faces around, as she sells TONS to Bliss and helped make her look even better, while having some spirited offense like, of all things, a running buckle bomb. When Bayley hits her offensive stride, we see even more aggression come out of her. Bayley wins, and her path to reclaiming her title continues. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

Bayley cuts a live promo, calling Nia Jax out. Nia Jax arrives and agree to a rubber match between the two. Bayley's road to redemption goes through Jax. It reminds me of Zayn's angle as he gunned for the title, involving him trying to beat everyone he lost to on his way to finally defeating Neville. Hell, Bayley had a similar story leading up to her classic Brooklyn win.

TM61 hype video, followed by a Revival promo where they claim they are going to retain tonight against American Alpha.

Blake and Murphy reform again to take on the Hype Bros. I almost fast forward until Rhyno comes down and murders everyone except, strangely, Murphy. Murphy looks freaked because of reasons. For goring the shit out of Mojo, Rhyno has become the best face in the company.

I wrote down “As promo” but I don't know what that means. Probably an American Alpha promo. You know the deal.

One of the greatest visuals I've ever seen in wrestling follows as Rhyno, stubby trunk-thick limbs and ring gear and all, walks through the back lot towards a gorgeous painted cherry pink sky. I need a painting of that in my apartment.

Your main event: American Alpha vs. The Revival in a two out of three falls match for the NXT tag titles.

Here's the first thing I'm going to say. I know this makes me sound bratty new-generation, but I hate hate hate hate heat segments in tag matches. Much of the time. Fuck the selling, fuck the heat, I will take a Dragongate style mad dash over forty fucking hours of the evil tag pulling back the good tag from their partners while announcers talk about strategy and cutting the ring in half. Prolonged tag segments legitimately bore me, mainly because very few, if any tags can make it interesting, plus most tags just milk it for too. Fucking. Long.

Which is why I have to give credit for these two teams for having an elongated heat segment while still making it engaging. I grant you this: it was still just a bit too damn long, but it A) had storyline implications and B) shook up the classic AA formula, where this time Jordan was the face-in-peril.

These two teams work so well together it's nearly effortless, plus they actually make the falls matter. A lot of two-out-of-three falls matches follow the aggravating trope of getting the first two falls out the way in the first few minutes, making the rest of the match just another singles match, negating the whole fucking reason for the stip in the first place. Here, these two teams work hard for even the one fall, and it's some great, compelling action. The Revival work over Jordan's knee but AA are able to recover. In a nice twist, the face team gets the first one, with a submission victory over the Revival. Soon after, the prolonged beat down on Jordan pays off for the Revival as they make him tape. The last fall is one of the more desperate battles for a fall I've seen, as the two empty their arsenal against one another. It's great stuff, with a hot ending of an apron shatter machine on Gable allowing the Revival to win – cleanly. No Authors of Pain attacks, no grand trickery, the Revival were just the better team. I still think American Alpha are far and away superior (I get it, the Revival wrestle like old southern dudes and punch and cheat I don't care), but it's going to take a hell of a team to upend the Revival. Great stuff, great show. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4 (STRONG MUSCLE)

Next week is going to be a madness cavalcade of wrestling. On the same day you get Balor/Nakamura, Ultima Lucha Dos Part II, AND the fucking first round of the CWC.

“My god. It will be beautiful.” – Judge Doom

ROH # 248

More “War of the Worlds” fodder to tie us over until “Best in the World!” Some of these ROH taping schedules are brutal in their length, it seems. Hope they never do a taping at the Kaley Bay Hutchinson Civic Center, it'll take like six months.

We start off with Gedo vs. Dalton Castle. Gedo's mesmerized by Castle's antics, as should we all. Gedo gets fanned by the boys and then attacks them, making him perhaps histories greatest monster. Boys get a mite bit of revenge before Castle wins. You get an inherent silliness factor when you throw in a Castle and/or a Gedo, but it doesn't translate to anything really worth watching. Not this week, anyway. MUSCLE RATING: *1/2

Whitmer and Corino hype package, promising that this, too, shall pass, and I don't believe them. Cole cuts a promo in front of the comedian murderwall, talking about how he's going to pick up the scraps in the forthcoming Jay vs. Jay title match at Best in the World, which everyone is laughably calling the biggest rematch in Ring of Honor history.

Ishii destroys Will Ferrera, who does a good job of showing some resilience, at least. Sadly, that stable is old and dead. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE

Corino cuts an in-ring promo. He is an evil man, you see. My interest in what is essentially a holding pattern episode should be obvious by now.

In your main event (not mine) The Bullet Club of G.o.D, Matt Jackson and Kenny Omega take on Strong, Jay Lethal, and the Briscoes. I'll cut to the chase by issuing forth the surprise that the BC did not win this, which is astounding. It's a decent tag all in all, with the G.o.D thankfully tucked away so that the people who know what the hell they are doing can try and wrangle a good match out of this turkey.

The two most interesting parts of the match include the ending, where Lethal swallows a double super kick meant for Jay Briscoe before Jay Briscoe gets the win for his team, building to THE BIGGEST REMATCH IN ROH HISTORY and the very meaty, very delicious prospect of a Jay Lethal/Kenny Omega title match, which needs to happen to justify this current slate of New Japan crossover shows. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

The end of the episode is an avalanche of promos hyping, demanding, pleading for you to watch BITW!

ROH #249

This week, the women take over! Or were allowed by the malevolent patriarchy to showcase their wrestling wares on TV instead of being relegated to dark matches and YouTube shows. Look, I'm not saying the Women of Honor are the Crush Gals or Akira Hokuto or anything, but I refuse to believe they are any worse than G.o.D, Luke Gallows, or the forthcoming Yukiro Takahashi. I mean, those dudes, as wrestling dudes, comrpise an ocean of garbage water.

I'm sure they are very lovely people in real life, however, Yujiro especially.

NOW LET US OPEN THE SUFFRAGATES.

Veda Scott, Allison Kay, and Amber Gallows start against Sumie Sakai, Crazy Mary Dobson, and Thunderkitty. Scott is a regular female face around the indies, while Kay I think has shown up on the NXT before. Gallows is the “Bullet Babe,” married to the Gallows of “shitting up nearly every match he's in in New Japan or WWE” fame, so I'm hoping his suck isn't contagious. Sumie Sakai is a veteran, hailing from “Jersey Shore, Japan” which I guess is like the 2016 version of “Bombay, Michigan.” Dobson has shown up a few times before on NXT, and Thunderkitty is unknown to me, though according to both commentary and her style of dress, she's a temporally displaced pin-up model who is 95 years old. I wonder if she knows Matt Classic.

The match is kiiiiiiiinda sloppy, and when it's not it's somewhat dull, just screams and strikes. The action does pickup and begs to become interesting as time wears on, though Dobson specifically looks to be by far the best of the lot. Scott is decent, as the SHIMMER tournament from Mania weekend has shown, but she excels with character. Still, Scott is the standout here, making it slightly baffling that she, of all people, took the fall. MUSCLE RATING: **

ODB takes on a graduate of the ROH Dojo, a large black woman named Faye Stevens, and I HAVE to imagine she was inspired by Monster Ripper/Bertha Faye/Rhonda Singh. ODB gets a decent reaction, her face well known from TNA and colluding with the Briscoes. Stevens is clearly knew and needed to be helped around, but I would not entirely dismiss her just yet, especially if she goes down the Nia Jax road of improvement. It's not a particularity interesting match beyond just seeing ODB or seeing a newbie in action, though. MUSCLE RATING: *

Hania the Huntress and Mandy Leon have promos, with Hania specifically talking about how she's going to be the nightmare of the Women of Honor.

Hania and Mandy battle it out. Mandy overall looked better than I assumed she would, and judging by the reaction she seems to be the de facto face of the WOH. Hania used to be known as Saturyne in Chikara, and now she's plying her pugilistic trade in ROH. Hania seems to have gotten in even better shape than she was before – which was almost impossible – and seems to have adopted a spiritual, native American gimmick, which is unique for the women wrestlers. I already knew Hania had some talent after seeing her and Athena have a decent series of matches last year. The match goes quite long, and not everything is solid, not everything connects, but there's some good ideas there and some good moments. The match goes on for quite an epic amount of time, until Hania hits Mandy with the Codebreaker or, as she calls it, the Eclipse, and wins. Again, not all of the pieces fit but a decent picture all the same. I'd like to see Mandy and especially Hania tussle with the likes of Asuka, Nattie, Banks, Bayley, Becky, etc. MUSCLE RATING: ***

For your main event, it's my chauvinistic dream girl Taeler Hendrix fighting Kelly Klein. A few promos before hand paint the picture: Taeler is obsessed with being the woman of honor, even going so far as to use paraphrase the Watchmen line by saying, “I'm not in the ring with any of you. You're in the ring with me.” Kelly appears to be some hard hitting submission specialist and she is endorsed by BJ Whitmer, but I won't hold that against her.

This might be the first time I've seen Taeler Hendrix in action. Again, the crux of this match can be boiled down to, “she didn't quite get all of that”; not all of the hits connect, and there's more than a few awkward transitions, especially an askew looking tombstone. That being said, I was mostly into the match – I could see the potential in both girls; Taler has some power to her and a surprising amount of flexibility all while looking like a character from Mortal Kombat, not to mention she has some of the best mannerisms I've seen of any of the women in Ring of Honor, and I'd like to see her in a “gesture off” with Alexa Bliss; Kline looks good as an intimidating power base, and I will always approve of a guillotine choke finisher. That all said, both wrestlers need some work, spit, shine, polish and all, but I didn't hate it. Decent episode, and again I've seen MUCH more laborious chunks of time on Ring of Honor TV before. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

ROH #250

A “best of” of 2016. It's all archival stuff, but it has a few notable matches, like Ishii vs. Bobby Fish.

So, yay?

Lucha Underground

ULTIMA LUCHA DOS!!!!

Is next episode don't get all excited just yet geeze calm down.

Striker and Vampiro run through the card, and it actually sounds better Ultima Lucha Uno, which was already a wildly entertaining show. Tonight promises to strengthen the build in this, the go home episode before three weeks of ULD. Newly included is Drago/Fenix/Aerostar challenging Johnny Mundo/PJ Black/Jack Evans. They're officially called World Wide Underground, which is nice, but lacks a little subtlety from being “The Dick Kickers.”

First match out is Mil Muertes returning to the Temple to take out the man that stuffed and mounted him – and not in that way, though who knows, we may have an episode of “Cuerno and the Real Doll”. It's a quick, pleasantly hard hitting affair. A ref bump and some chair spots later, Cuerno uses the almighty power of “cheating” to secure a somewhat surprise win for Muertes. Would have probably taken a no-contest, but either way, Cuerno/Muertes should be hype for ULD. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

Back in Dario Cueto's office, the room where it happens. Taya and Ivelisse are sitting next to each other, somehow not actively committing a murder at each others. There are still snips, which is about as peaceful as could be expected. Dario formally books the two in a match at ULD to see who indeed is the “baddest bitch in the building.” On her way out, Ivelisse bumps into and also snips at Catrina. Catrina – a ghost, by the way – demands a rematch for Muertes against Cuerno. Dario is still pissed about something something massive horrendous expensive damage to his office and also Catrina and Muertes trying to take over the Temple something something. Catrina demands a death match. “I hate you, but you know just what to say to get me excited.” Dario has such a lust boner for violence.

Prince Puma takes on Dragon Azteka Jr., as LOS VENGADORES SLIGHTLY IMPLODES. I already came into this match pre-psyched, and even the humorousness of seeing DAJ with what appears to be a watermelon helmet for a mask does nothing to lessen my riled-up state. The two go on to have a spectacular match, even better than I would have expected from these two. There is an intense, acrobatic flurry to begin with, reminiscent of those two New Japan jobbers from a month ago. The crowd is split, as Puma goes on to show more and more heelish. This is just a raucous, foot stomping kind of match, and one of the best matches in recent Lucha Underground viewings, which says a LOT as there has been some very quality matches in the last month or so. What's also nice about this match is that we get an ample serving of singles Dragon Azteka; he has spent much of season two in multi-man matches or trios tags, so it was great to see how hard he can go in a singles capacity, and he does not disappoint. Whether he can get a passable match out of the utterly untested Black Lotus for Ultima Lucha Dos remains to be seen. Prince Puma wins, giving him momentum as he takes on Rey in a dream match at Ultima Lucha Dos. “Holy fuck,” my notes say, “was great.” MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4 (STRONG MUSCLE)

Afterward, Puma taunts Rey Mysterio. They have a little face off. Whether this becomes a friendly rivalry or a foul heel turn remains to be seen.

(My insufficient funds rests on heel turn.)

Dario is out in the Temple amongst the unwashed masses, delivering a speech to Texano, The Mack, Cage, and Son of Havoc. He says that the four will engage in a “unique opportunity” match – to specify, it's “four a unique opportunity,” because there's four of them and it's for a unique opportunity. Unique Opportunity of course is the monkey's paw offerings of Lucha Underground. Cueto tells them to get a head start. They all fight each other, with Cage standing tall.

Fenix and Johnny Mundo main event, having a great match that puts up a good fight, but ultimately cannot overtake the glory of Puma/DAJ. These two work well together, and this is also helped since both are incredibly talented on their own. Thanks to Taya, Mundo is able to extract a win. A cheese kinda cheap ending helps to devalue the match some, but it's all a setup for the Mythical Beasts versus the Underground Cock Punters. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

The rest of the Underground come out to beat down Fenix, until Drago and Aerostar defend their fake fire birded friend. Ivelisse makes another appearance to take down Taya. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE'RE OUT OF TIME SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ON ULTIMA LUCHA DOS

Lucha Underground – ULTIMA LUCHA DOS PART ONE

IT'S YOUR FIRST DOSE OF ULTIMA LUCHA DOS

This entire episode was devoted to the “four a Unique Opportunity” mini tournament, as the Temple prepares itself for the beginning of the end! Not the ill-defined NXT TakeOver special, but the first of a three part finale that will close out season two in likely bombastic fashion.

Posters hang around the Temple, with all of the graffiti tinged grunge of old back alley posters plastered on brick walls, like advertisements you would expect to see while punching dudes in the face and picking up chicken from oil drums in Metro City. It's a great look, and reminds me of the superstar posters that sat around the edge of the arena like a crown during WrestleMania 22 – I think those posters were my favorite thing about said Mania.

The Mack and Expert non-man Cage begin the lilliputian tournament, a nice little bit of continuity from last year's Ultima Lucha when they were the first bout during that show, and I hope they're the opening act for every Ultima Lucha to come.

Before we begin, however, we get the Tux wearing variant of Dario Cueto as he comes out to address the crowd. He remembers the falls count anywhere match Cage and Mack had last year at UL one; he liked it so much he demands another.

This match is versatile in that it goes both ape and shit. It's falls count anywhere and the two pick up right where they left off from a year before, with weapons, hip tosses into bleachers, fighting in to Dario's office where we find Dario and Black Lotus hanging around, and down hallways. There are guitars used as well as pinatas, which might be a first in wrestling. There's a mad shit-all dive through a table and – in even more continuity – a cinder block, harkening back to the ending of last year's match. Cage is about to repeat history, but slips on beer that Mack had spilled during his strange Stone Cold impression – again, the beer slipping being yet another layer cake of references to their old feud-- leading to Mack getting the win over Cage. This match was authentically fun, and likely a blast to see live. Great action, great callbacks, and a great start to ULD. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

Texano vs. Son of Havoc is up next. Dario interrupts again, his violence phallus virtually throbbing to the point of bursting like a microwaved Gremlin. He demands this match to be a Boyle Heights Bar fight (using the tenuous logic that a cowboy and a biker are known for drinking). The match comes off like a super fun ECW hardcore match, with gimmicks aplenty and more casual traipsing through the crowd. There are fire helmets, barrels, and fire extinguishers used to effect here. The most noteworthy spot comes when Texano is back dropped through a small bar at the side, crashing through dozens of (likely sugar) glass bottles. Havoc makes a small pit of broken glass and proceeds to not only stomp Texano into it but bicycle kick him right into the shard-filled defilade for the win. Holy crap, I did say. Another unreasonably fun match; the crowd is at somewhat of a fever pitch, and for good reason. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

Mack versus Havoc, Son of, in the finals for one of Dario's unique opportunities. Tuxedo Mask Cueto returns, also making this falls count anywhere. It's not as good as either of the previous matches, but let's not kid ourselves: this match continues the energetic, fun through line that the rest of the night has had so far. It's a close call, and considering the sheer physicality of the other matches I'm not be forced to use the old spots adage of “you hate to see either one lose,” but you do. Sadly for the Mack, he's the loser here, as Son of Havoc wins this most unique of opportunities. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4

Dario returns with a briefcase. Inside the briefcase is $250,000. Son of Havoc's choices: take the obscene amount of money or forgo the cash, instead garnering a guaranteed title match in the main event of Ultima Lucha Tres!

Son of Havoc clearly isn't about the cash, despite the fact that the amount of money we're talking about could buy supplies for his mighty beard maintenance for at least four months. He wants the title shot.

Which SON OF HAVOC IS GOING TO GET!

If

IF he can beat his next opponent.

Famous B comes out and announces his new signee; the uber-jacked fifty year old Lucha legend, Dr. Wagner f'n Jr.!

Son of Havoc cannot.

Dr. Wagner is awarded the money. Son of Havoc gets nothing. And that's how this episode ends.

It was infuriating in the most authentic wrestling way. Think about it: this UO tournament meant nothing. All of those fun matches, all of the violence they suffered through, and the people who gained the most were not even involved in the initial brackets. Dario is sick, perverse, sadistic, and sociopathic, and this entire episode is perhaps one of the best character shows for Dario. He comes down like some Old Testament god, establishing brutal, arbitrary stipulations for his mortal pawns all in a bid to entertain himself, and then finally takes it away for his own amusement. Dario is the devil and, at once, Calypso from Twisted Metal, as has been said again and again. I got a similar feeling to when Matanza first arrived; a hurricane cocktail of excitement and elation weathered to shock and woe when you realize that your heroes were getting destroyed. Same here: these matches are awesome! They're fun! Son of Havoc wins! He deserves it!

Then the caveat.

Dario is the Satan's asterisks. And easily among the very best wrestling characters running.

I also fully expect Son of Havoc's long black road to redemption in season three.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FOR ULD PART II!

AJW Classics # 7

Episode #7 - Date: 8/22/85 (Budokan, Tokyo) Singles Match Monster Ripper vs. Yukari Ohmori

It's the return of Monster Ripper as she takes on Ohmori of Dynamite Girls fame! There's a big chant thrown out for Ohmori, though there's little more than that since this really turns into a glorified squash with the most un-intriguing of action. Strange that a DG would get squashed so; Ohmori is great as one of the DG, but the Crush Gals are better as both singles and tag wrestlers. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE

Tag Team Match Dump Matsumoto & Bull Nakano vs. Noriyo Tateno & Itsuki Yamazaki

It's the Gokuaku Domei A-team taking on the Jumping Bomb Angels. For reasons unknown to me, the JBA are dressed like eighties casino workers form an H-dating game. Crane Yu is your ref, and she's spectacularly ineffective against the normal Dump Army onslaught, with Dump whipping out chain attacks like she's Birdie. There's more members of the Domei who look like school girls, or I might just be saying that because they have knee high socks. A table shows up and the Angels finally get an advantage which ultimately means nothing, as a double count out and a cheat filled usage of a spike piledriver seals the deal. This match is like just about most Dump Army matches, a gimmick that has long since grown tiresome. This match never really got out of the gate; it wandered from the gate, took a few drunken steps, then fell backwards, starting back further behind than when it started. MUSCLE RATING: **

IWA Championship Devil Masami (c) vs. Chigusa Nagayo

Chigusa gets a chance at the secondary singles title in the promotion, fighting against Devil Masami in this big match. First thing I need to point out is that Devil Masami has perhaps the greatest collection of mannerisms and facial expressions I've seen in a wrestler. She looks as if she lives up to her name, looking like a mad, blood thirsty oni.

The name of this match, I think, is frustration. Devil is constantly getting worked over by Chigusa, who's wrestling ability is constantly putting Devil on edge, forcing her to find new ways to stymy her offense. Whenever Chigusa seems to get momentum going, Devil is able to stop her before matters get too far out of hand. It feels like for every ten decent moves Chigusa can hit, she gets stopped to a crawl by one solid Devil hit. The middle of this gruesome war involves the two trading back submissions, putting the screws to each others leg, trying to wear each other down, Chigusa likely hoping she can outlast Devil, Devil likely hoping she can bring down Chigusa's offense enough that she can neutralize her.

Despite Devil's best efforts, Chigusa's spirited bursts of offense prolongs the match. Perhaps the best part of this entire affair comes when Chigusa dives onto Devil. Devil, in a moment of sheer “holy shit glory, slowly stalks the apron, stabbing it with a fucking sword, all the while looking like a possessed demon freshly ascended from the depths of hell itself. It's a great visual, and leads to the entire final chapter of the match as both women hit the “fuck it all” switch and go genitals out. At one point, the girls are just so tired of each others shit they begin to straight throw fists at each other with the expertise and professionalism of an urban street fight. Soon after, the two are just trading powerful moes back and forth; strategy is gone, it's about endurance and who can be the last one standing.

The answer? Neither of them. The time limit runs out (or I think neither could answer the ten count) and the match is a draw. Devil is still your champion.

This was a fantastic match; Chigusa is rapidly reaching all-time status for me, and wrestlers of any generation could learn about facial expressions and physical projections of character from watching Devil Masami. This is not women's wrestling, but wrestling among it's very best. MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4 (OMEGA MUSCLE!)

Keep in mind I had to trawl some incredibly dirty sites in order to find the full version of this match, as the Classics episode cuts like half of the run time.

WWWA Championship Jaguar Yokota (c) vs. Lioness Asuka

This time, the other half of the Crush Gals tries to win some singles gold, aiming for the big singles title in the promotion going up against the champion. Big time Asuka chants, big time streamers, and you can't help but wonder if this is Asuka's night to do what Chigusa just couldn't.

Unlike the methodically, almost Southern-paced Chigusa match, this bout starts fast paced, as both wrestlers quickly try to get the upper hand over the other. The middle bridge of the match is slowed down by extensive leg work by both parties, though it seems to be more effective coming from Asuka. In a great showing of solidarity, Chigusa comes down to support her teammate. There's one particularly heinous sequence of events, as Asuka hits Yokota with a nasty looking running reverse piledriver, before dumping Yokota over the top rope like the proverbial sack of shit.

This match, by the way, is incredible, and it just refuses to let up as it goes on. There's some fantastic work coming out here; we've known Asuka was great just from watching this show, but here is perhaps Yokota's true potential, looking every bit the champion as she tries to put down the non-stop crippling offense of god damn Asuka, living up to her “Lioness” moniker. Eventually, the knee damage that Asuka had incurred earlier that seemingly did no damage came to roost; Asuka made the mistake of missing a top rope knee drop, damaging her knee, and allowing Yokota to hit a knee clutch cradle back suplex for the battle-earned victory. Great, great fucking match, one of the very best women's matches I've seen, and just a stellar wrestling match in general. MUSCLE RATING: ****3/4 (OMEGA MUSCLE!)

Those fucking Crush Gals. Why did we ever let wrestling continue on after they were done?

AJW Classics Episode #8

I hope you really like the Gokuaku Domei

Date: 8/28-1985 (Osaka-jo Hall) Hair vs. Hair Match Dump Matsumoto vs. Chigusa Nagayo

Dump comes out with her Army (or she apparently was hiding in a mask? I didn't quite understand what was happening there). Chigusa on Asuka's shoulders. The pre-match is among my favorite parts of these matches, as they are incredibly hyped, with banners swinging and streamers being thrown everywhere. There's a new male ref who looks vaguely Hispanic but seems a lot more forceful than Crane or, of course, Shiro. Dump has an early advantage, over powering Chigusa and using chains to throttle her and scissors to stab her, rendering Chigusa into the bloodiest of messes. Chigusa does hit a sort of “fuck this shit” mentality, pasting Dump with metal bins. A table is introduced and then a chair, which leads to Chigusa being unable to answer a ten count. Chigusa loses the match and, eventually, her hair. Asuka assaults the ref, who eventually helps the Army shave off Chigusa's head. This is extremely emotional, with the young girls in the audience drowning themselves in tears.

The match itself was fine, one of Dump's bests which doesn't say but so much. I was led to believe that this was a legendary match, and while it's a good brawl with some great story telling, it never stood to reach the heights already set forth by this show. Honestly, so much of it was a typical Dump match, and I kind of cannot believe the whole Gokuaku Domei stuff is still going on, and I say that as someone who never watched the show week to week. I was hoping the Crane story would be the end of it, as I could only tolerate but so much of the same match format of weapons, over powering, and cheating. It's effective in its story telling, I'll give it that. MUSCLE RATING: *** 3/4

Here is some more historical context from the “WrestlingwithWords” forums, where I've been watching the series and getting a lot of great supplemental material:

“Here is some backstory in the aftermath of this match according to Ohtani's Jacket of PWO.

AJW used to be shown on Sunday evenings during the 80s & apparently the ending to the first Chigusa/Dump hair match was so graphic and so cruel that AJW was taken off the air in many parts of the country. As a result, the postmatch from this match wasn't shown on TV, at least not everywhere. Funnily enough, this was kinda the end for the Dump gimmick. The next era in AJW were the Lioness/Chigusa/Omori years.

Okay, for anybody else who watches, keep in mind that it was really a huge upset. y a huge upset. Most people would have picked Chigusa to prevail in a close fought bout, but it wasn't even close really. Dump steamrolled her and the loss sent shockwaves through the audience at home.”

Date: 10/10-1985 (Korakuen Hall) Tag League the Best 1985 Semi-Final Match Dump Matsumoto & Bull Nakano vs. Noriyo Tateno & Itsuki Yamazaki

There's little to say about this match other than I was surprised at how the Jumping Bomb Angels got mostly crushed by the steam rolling Gokuaku Domei. It really outlines their power structure. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASHED MUSCLE

Apparently, there's a longer version where you see the JBA get more offense.

Tag League the Best 1985 Final Match Dump Matsumoto & Bull Nakano vs. Chigusa Nagayo & Lioness Asuka

A shorn hair Chigusa and her fiery partner Asuka take on Dump's Army, who've all been hidden in masks, looking like a Japanese gang that require the Seven Samurai to dispense with. The usual Dump antics here, with Chigusa being viciously beaten. Bull Nakano is awesome in her early stages, whipping out nunchucks with reckless abandon. Gokuaku Domei win again. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4

AJW Classics Episode #9

Date: 12/12/85 (Ota Ward Gymnasium) Rookie Tournament Final Hisako Uno vs. Akemi Sakamoto

Research brought up just about nothing on Akemi. I originally had wondered what was so important about this rookie's final, until I looked up Hisako Uno.

Hisako Uno eventually becomes Akira fucking Hokuto.

Strap the fuck in, lads and lasses.

I would be shocked if Akemi never had any sort of interactions with the Gokuaku Domei; she's a burly woman with bleached blonde hair and makeup, she's veritably a Dump clone already. Hisako looks utterly different from her future self; with her beach going outfit and puffy, shortish black hair, the future Akira Hokuto looks more like a Lioness Asuka cosplayer.

(It seems Hisako started the Bull Nakano fan club, and joined AJW after quitting college.)

The match is not totally noteworthy, instead being an anticlimactic five minute or so bout; Hisako is quick and armed with dropkicks, Akemi is power. Akemi eventually gets the win, and there's a reward ceremony immediately following. ANOTHER heavy set, bleach blonde girl joins in to receive awards – I assume third place? – and the crowd massively supports Hisako. This match is more historical footnote rather than essential viewing, but it's always fun to see future legends in their early years.

AJW Championship Bull Nakano (c) vs. Yumi Ogura

It seems that AJW had something like ten billion freaking belts.

See, there's the World Wide Women's Association; those had, from what I could tell, the more major titles including the ones held by Jaguar and the secondary one held be Devil Masami. There were about five or six titles associated with the WWWA, which seemed to be like a kind of NWA for women's wrestling.

Meanwhile, there's the AJW titles, of which there are about four or five. Some of their other titles included titles specifically for minis and for men. Near as I can tell, the AJW belts were, at the time at least, considered secondary to the WWWA belts. Our young, murderous Bull Nakano is seemingly the AJW champ here, which appeared to be equivalent to a secondary title, maybe just at or below the title held by Masami.

Bull already looks so far along in her young years, adorned in leather and black bandanas, with that wild hair which would become her trademark. Yumi looks much like the rest of the smaller women; research yielded little about her, other than the fact that, at one point, she becomes known as “Hyper Cat.”

The match starts in fairly typical fashion, as Bull tries to overpower Yumi. Eventually, you're reminded that this is a Dump's Army match, and Bull acquires some 'chucks, even giving out a German suplex using the weapons. She also delivers a nineties All Japan style backdrop, winning the match soon after. I wouldn't be surprised if this was clipped. Likely, this was put on here to show the young Bull as a champion.

Jumbo Hori Retirement Match Jumbo Hori vs. Yukari Omori

DYNAMITE GIRLS EXPLODE

It seems Hori is done, likely getting aged out by the silly system in place at the time. It figures that there would be no better opponent than her old partner. The two were fantastic as a team, less so in singles. This match is actually one of their better singles outings, as Hori has something to prove in her closing stretch. There's some quality transitions going on during this match, as the two were a bit more technical than I likely gave them credit for. The match never really goes anywhere as the time limit is hit; I suppose AJW retirement matches were more ceremony than competitive. Jumbo gets a lone spotlight on her, and the whole thing feels like she's getting shipped off to The Island, which I likely said about Mimi back when. Tears, speeches, multi-bell salutes.

WWWA Championship & All Pacific Championship Devil Masami (AP) vs. Dump Matsumoto (WWWA)

If my sleuthing has in any way been effective then the story is this: Jaguar Yokota is gone. She suffered a shoulder injury that forced her into an early retirement, requiring her to vacate the title. Devil is still the AP champion, and is now in this match against Dump, who seeks to gain control of the scene by being the top star. This seems like a unification match.

Devil Masami spends the entire match climbing an uphill battle, as Dump throws her bulk around while using, naturally, weapons, included bottles and shiv like devices. That's really the story of the match: Devil trying to come back against a Dump sized deficit. In a nice bit of poetry, some of the other non-Domei wrestlers help topple Dump from the top rope, allowing Devil  to secure the pinfall.

Devil is awarded both belts and, in yet another emotional moment, the recently retired Jaguar emerges from the crowd, her arm still in a sling. Devil bawls at this point, as she holds the titles, the trophies, and is surrounded by a beaming Jaguar, the Crush Gals, and a throng of applauding onlookers. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

STAPEDIUS REVIEWS:

Dean Ambrose © vs. Seth Rollins vs. Kevin Owens

WWE House Show Honolulu

***3/4

Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Chris Jericho

WWE House Show Honolulu

***1/2

Watch the Bracketology show on the Network. Good stuff.