#musclemuseum

Lucha Underground: Ultima Lucha Dos Final

Before any wrestling begins we get a LU vignette! Somewhere, off in what looks like the set from an old episode of Star Trek, Vampiro tells Pentagon Jr. that he is a man with fear and he is not ready. Turning, instead, to Empire Strikes Back, Pentagon goes in a cave and has a battle with several iterations of himself, which is like a more violent version of the council of Reed Richards'. He finally takes down another doppelganger, this one being Vampiro himself. He tells Pentagon he is ready, and that he must snuff out a candle to snuff out the light. Pentagon Jr. must become Pentagon Dark, perhaps my favorite Jeph Loeb/Tim Sale collaboration.

(That's a lie; Loeb has been fucking terrible for well over a decade now)

The first match of the night: Aerostar, Drago, and Fenix (Vampiro called them Space, Fire and Fury, or something) and attempt to become the trios champions by upending The Worldwide Underground, who plan on taking the challengers to dick kick city.

It's a good match, mostly, with great high flying (particularity from Aerostar) and some heelin' from the WWU. The whole thing falls predictably apart once the Dick Kickers International decide to get set into their rudo roles; distracting refs, knocking out refs, triple teaming the good guys. There are a few near falls, while Fenix impresses, but the ref is constantly getting taken out or otherwise incapacitated. With the cock knockers at an advantage, Mundo looked ready to take down the good guys, until Angelico makes his surprised, crippled return, limping in on crutches and knocking out Mundo. The good guys take advantage and win; Aerostar, Drago, and Fenix are now the trios champions, and Fenix in particular makes LU history by becoming the first grand slam champion.

The match is fine, and the dickery makes sense, but it still cuts off what was looking to be a really fun match. Decent opener, but it's always frustrating when you know all involved could do much better, which is what should be required on as big of an event as your season finale. MUSCLE RATING: ***

It's the battle of the first season vignette characters as Dragon Azteka Jr. takes on Black Lotus. Both are characters that have, in some form or fashion, have existed since just about the entire lifespan of the show (I think Lotus may have come in a few episodes later). DAJ had spent the better part of the season showing what he was capable of, but up until this point Lotus had not had a single televised match. The big concern, of course, was whether or not she could even wrestle.

I don't know if it was because of booking or some other factor, but the match – for as long as it lasted – wasn't half bad. Perhaps Lotus had actually gotten into wrestling shaped, as she looked fairly okay, all things considered. The match had a quick pace, befitting of the revenge story here. Lotus was still obviously not the best out there, but what match she was able to put forth was somewhat interesting to see.

The match never finishes, sadly, as a Pentagon Dark – regaled as one would expect – interferes and proceeds to break both Lotus and DAJ's arms. He cuts a pretty neat promo about how Pentagon Jr. is dead (long live Pentagon Dark) and that he is ready for the monster. In booking straight out of ECW, we get that match next.

Pentagon goes HAM on Matanza here, beating him around the Temple, looking as if this Dark persona would finally do what no one else has yet to and unseat Matanza Cueto. Matanza eventually gets the advantage, but most of this match is Pentagon Dark busting up the monster. Vampiro produces a barbed wire bat and gives it to Pentagon. Right as Pentagon is about to use the bat, Dario takes it away. Pentagon takes Dario down and is about to break his arm until Matanza recovers, hits his finisher, and wins. Pentagon Dark is pissed at Vampiro.

It looked like it could have been something great, but that's part one of the two running themes the entire night: “it could have been great”, and interferences. I'm a staunch defender of LU, obviously, but the night had been rife with WWE-shit tier booking. This ending, in particular, feels like a betrayal of the entire story so far, all about the break down and redemption of Pentagon Jr., all the way up to his bone-breaking skull ninja Gandalf-esque color upgrade to full dark. LU has been much better about the classic “wait and see” than WWE, but it's hard right now to find justification for the wet fart ending to what looked to be an intense match. MUSCLE RATING: ***, I guess

Tay and Ivelisse never gets going anywhere. The two have a fun little brawl, but before a second gear could be reached (with signs pointing to the possibility that they were never going to get out of first gear) the lights go out. Catrina (in wrestling garb!) teleports in, knocks out Ivelisse, and allows Taya to get the win. MUSCLE RATING: **

So I will commence with complaints here, as they don't really apply to the main event, but for all of the greatness and promise of the first part, it feels like it had been mostly squandered by now. Ultima Lucha Dos had been plagued with the exact same bits I fucking hate about the WWE, and the exact same bits that had made ROH such a chore to watch. Interferences galore, no conclusive ends, run-ins, unfulfilled potential. All there. Except for the main, every single match had a run-in of some kind or another, some kind of dumb, idiotic ending that led to an unsatisfying conclusion.

It's not even that LU hasn't done this before. But they do it more sparingly than you might think, as most of their matches have a definitive end, not but so often marred by the usual wrestling tropes. Ultima Lucha Dos is different, however, and is made the worse for it since this is supposed to be your finale. WrestleMania used to be where the angles would end and you would start anew (or finish off some residual plot threads) for the next year. That has not been true, mostly, for years now. Same with ULD; this is your season finale.

I get it, to a point. It's a show. You need people to have a reason to tune again, hence: dangling threads, inconclusiveness. But I feel like it has to be done better than what we had here. Some potentially good to great matches were neutered because of the need to set up season three. Ultima Lucha Uno had a much better sense of closure, and for good reason: they thought that it would be their only season. Now, we know not only that there's a season three but that it's already filmed, so they could proceed to book the crap what which they've booked. If this is how they finish their finale, I hope every single season of LU ends with them not knowing if they are coming back again just so we can have more firm, definitive finishes and less of this interference nonsense.

There has got to be some middle ground between setup and still having great matches that work within themselves. Fuck, throw in some extra vignettes if you want to set up the future that badly.

Anyway, to better things...

In your main event, Prince Puma attempts to dethrone the king, Rey Mysterio. Unlike Orton and Lesnar, this is an actual, veritable dream match and – yes – it lives up exactly to the height promised.

Puma and his other performer are, and I say this every time, fucking world class talents, easily top ten, probably top five as far as best wrestlers going today is concerned. Rey, while having clearly lost much of his physical step, knows how to put on a match and does so here with a more than capable opponent.  It's always a unique change of pace when you get Puma – who normally would be considered undersized – taking on someone smaller, as you see Puma utilize even more of the strength vectors of his move set. Rey has long since learned to wrestle smart, and though he hasn't done much different than you've seen of him in the last decade or so, he knows when to use it and how to use it for effect, and the results are obvious. There's some great character stuff with Puma being slightly heelish here, with the mentality that he has to take the old master out to pasture. Rey rallies hard and gets the win; I would have preferred a Puma win, but I get it, plus there are some...disputes with Puma in real life, or so I've heard. Whatever the case this is one the few matches that had the hype going in an proceeded to realize that hype; if only the rest of Ultima Lucha could have followed suit. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4

The commentators freak out over the spectacle...until both get taken out by Pentagon Dark. He beats down Vampiro and using the barbed wire bat, proceeds to bloody Vampiro.

Well. That's going going to be a thing in season three.

Dario is arrested at the end and shoved into a police van. Cop lights flash blue and red, as Dario looks on menacingly, echoing his final appearance from season one.

SEE YOU IN SEASON THREE

NXT 07/20/16

Three big matches tonight, and all three matches have heavyweight mastodon folks involved (and Bayley).

We start with Samoa Joe and Rhyno in what turned out to be a nice little filler match a Joe bides his time between feuds. Joe's underrated character work is on display here, as his dominant dick head self struts around the ring and impressively imposes its will on Rhyno of all people. Rhyno looked good here as well, energetic and feisty as he tries to take down the emperor. Joe gets the win with a Coquina Clutch; good stuff here by both guys. Solid, entertaining hoss-meat battle. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

Asuka gets a promo. “I fight Bayley. I fight Nia. I fight both.”

Well o-god damn-kay! A Bayley/Jax/Asuka triple threat would be...something, I think. Still, I'm confident in my obvious Bayley/Asuka II prediction for NYC.

They mention the draft. American Alpha, Nia Jax, Alexa Bliss, Carmella and Mojo are all on notice. Balor was a foregone conclusion. Jax needs more work, I think, as does Bliss and Carmella. AA are ready to go, and have been for months. Mojo should have been drafted into a wood chipper.

American Alpha get assaulted by the Authors of Pain before their match. Despite this, AA decide to continue their bout. Authors of Pain are the new kids in town and are each have to be about three hundos per; plus, AA are on their way to Smackdown, so you already know how this plays out, and it's not in AA's favor. Jordan and Gable are hellaciously strong, with Gable hitting an exploding suplex on one of these guys like he would on just about anyone else. AA really try to make this exciting, but AOP are just too big and get the win. I suppose I get AA jobbing hard to the Authors, but I still am miffed that, of all the tags, American Alpha – and I say this and mean it, they are the best tag team in the entierty of the WWE today  – were the chosen lambs for the new guy sacrifice. Jury's still out on AOP, who seem to have not much more than the usual, staid, WWE big guy offense. Paul Ellering's hands must be warm by now because he rubs them all the time like a serial villain. MUSCLE RATING: **1/4

Revival cut a promo. Synopsis: they are the best. Except CiamGano show up, thirsty for a title shot. Revival are dismissive butts about the thing. Also, Hideo Itami returns in two weeks! But guys, my groin though, have we not considered that?

Patrick Clark, the Tough Enough standout who's house show gimmick was basically a wrestling version of Donald Trump, comes out with tights that makes it looked like he skinned America and is wearing its flesh. Aries is next. Most I can say is that Clark looks quite athletic (but is he athletic enough to be a ROH athletic negro?). Aries wins, No Way Jose comes out and attacks him. This rivalry is heating up, like a pebble left in the rear window of a car in spring weather. MUSCLE RATING: SQUASH

Your main event of the evening (and again, I love it how, when the women's angle becomes important enough, it gets to regularly main episodes of NXT) is Bayley vs. Nia Jax III. Bayley is again doing the redemption “beat up all the people who beat me!” arc, but I am dubious of this one. It's going to lead, inevitably, to her and Asuka clashing again – but then what? Bayley was not selected in the recent draft. Some hopeful speculation persists it's because she was secretly drafted and will be Sasha Banks' partner at Battleground.

Or, what if that's not the case? Which is easily as likely, by the way. She goes and faces Asuka and beats her for the title, that means that Bayley is down in NXT for longer, likely heading to the main roster around Mania. Or maybe she loses to Asuka in Brooklyn and debuts right after SummerSlam? It's tough to say, but at this point I think Bayley needs to be brought up sooner rather than later, as we try not to lose sleep over the in-story logic of them not drafting Bayley but drafting Jax and Bliss instead.

The match itself is perhaps the second best match these two have had, and it's technically better than their London encounter, if not as dramatic and nail biting. Nia Jax has been on the uptick of improvement (though she's still not quite main roster ready, but maybe she'll prove everyone wrong) and in this match she shows ample personality, as she arrogantly tosses Bayley out and yelling at her. She even whipped out a jackhammer on Bayley.

Bayley, as good as she is, I think is genuinely underrated for being able to carry a match; she displays some of the finest face fire in the company here, showing new layers of aggression and working with equal parts intelligence and tenacity. She gets hit, and hard, but she makes a come back, and she picks her spots. This is different from the desperate measure she used in London that happened to work, or the second encounter where it did not work as well. Here, she's on the attack and maximizes all opportunities. At the end, Jax takes to the top rope, allowing a swift Bayley to charge up and hit a top rope Bayley-to-Belly and getting a decisive win. A fun match, well worked by both. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

Cruiserweight Classic #2

SMALL GUYS!

In your opening first round match of the episode, Aussie export Damian Slater (with that Bayside High ass name) challenges the 45 year old Taijri, making his official return to the WWE!

Slater looks real good in the ring. Mauro and Bryan call him smooth, and I cannot disagree. He doesn't exactly standout, but he looks as if he knows what he's doing. Taijri looks quite good as well, but then his WWE style was never as intensive as his old ECW days. Taijiri still uses that sneaky, devious style of devastating precision kicks and overall crafty trickery that I always saw in Marafuji. Taijiri wins with a buzz-saw kick. Nice, basic opener. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

TJP is apparently an MRA type of guy but at least he's a kickass wrestler, as demonstrated here as he takes on Da Mack. Da Mack, the “urban German,” is a moon walking, MJ inspired high flyer, whom I believe has dabbled in WXW. The announcers make a good call with the Alex Wright comparisons. Mauro calls them both “charismatic enigmas,” which you can do since Brother Nero has now been DELETED.

TJP, and this cannot be emphasized enough, is so fucking good. I've been a fan of his wrestling for at least a decade or so, and I'm glad that he finally gets this platform to show off. His transitions are silk, his submissions are elegant. My kingdom for a TJP/Tyson Kidd match that it seems will never happen.

Da Mack looked fine, but was clearly out of step with TJP. Make no mistake: this is TJP's match. The fans are huge behind him, though Da Mack seems to have gone out some with his character, though his wrestling will hopefully catch up. Da Mack also used a classic Human Tornado spot, which at least raised a few dozen of my eyebrows. TJP gets the win, and despite his dumb opinions on things, should absolutely get signed by the WWE. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

I took an instant liking to Mustafa Ali for some reason, and I cannot tell you why. Perhaps it was his look, I don't know. I'm hoping his wrestling follows suit. Of all the people in this damn thing I am almost entirely puzzled by Lince Dorado's presence. I never hated the guy back in his Chikara days; it just seemed as if he fell off the face of the universe since leaving Chikara, and to see him spring up so suddenly was quite a shock.

What else is a shock? He's really god damn polished here, much more than I ever remembered. The years look to have been kind to the man, as he puts in a great effort here, with the crowd firmly behind him (seems he's spent his Chikara exile in Florida). Ali was a little slow I thought, but he seemed to click as the match went on and the two had one of the better matches in the tournament so far. Dorado hit Ali with a sweet springboard poison rana, and Ali had one of the most impressive Spanish Fly executions I've ever seen. A missed imploding 450 from Ali sets up a Shooting Star Press from Dorado, and Ali is eliminated. Dorado clearly has been utilizing his lost years, and I hope to see more of Ali. Develop that man! MUSCLE RATING: ***

In your main event, Akira Tozawa (possibly my favorite guy in the entire tournament) battles Kenneth Johnson, a dude from Detroit who looks like he could be Omar from The Wire's brother. Tozawa's theme sounds like a knock off of that one Kill Bill theme you hear all the time.

The whole match was strangely off. It seemed as if Johnson just couldn't get to a level for Tozawa to work with, and Tozawa had to try double hard to put the whole mess together by the end. Johnson showed flashes of potential, but he seemed oddly stilted. Tozawa, as always, was incredible, and the crowd took to him instantly, as well they should. It was unusual to see someone the inexperience of Johnson going 50/50 with a guy like Tozawa, but the the announcers and Tozawa tried damned hard to make it work. A beautiful snap German and another bridging German (with the call of the night from Bryan to accompany it) leaves the lasting impression. I hope Akira advances further along the tournament against better opponents so everyone could see what he can really do. MUSCLE RATING: **1/4

Episode #11 - Date: 3/20-1986 (Osaka Castle Hall)

Six Woman Tag Team Match Devil Masami, Mika Komatsu & Kanako Nagatomo vs. Bull Nakano, Chela Salazar & Zuleyma

Mika Mokatsu seemed to have had a lot of tag action in her career, which lasted about six years. She tagged for a time with her partner, Nagatomo, of whom I could find even less information. Devil Masami, obviously, speaks for herself.

Bull takes charge of the Gokuaku Domei Mexican Charter, teaming with Chela Salazar and there-is-no-Dana-only-Zuleyma. Most I got on Salazar is that she was a female Mexican wrestler which – I mean, okay, yes but it's still basic information. Zuleyma has way more readily available intel, including the fact that she was the first ever WWA World Women's Champion and had a litany of success in Mexico.

Bull's makeup and style has grown progressively crazier and crazier as the episodes roll through time, and here is no exception as she appears to have slaughtered a fiefdom of Smurfs for her shock blue hair and makeup. Her cohorts and, inexplicably, Devil Masami are all dressed like they're wrestling in Bedrock.

Whomever the pink stripped girl on Devil's team was was quite athletic. The match is little remarkable, with Salazar and Zuleyma showing nearly nothing in what I presume was a clipped match. This is another Bull showcase, as her power and comman grows as she gains more strength and confidence as the years go on. AJW Jr. Heavyweight Championship Condor Saito (c) vs. Hisako Uno

I think this is a sort of rematch from their rookie tournament. Another presumably clipped match as Hisako wins the match and the title almost instantly, even after Condor applied the tried and true Dump Army method of suckering her opponent in. What I've noticed here in 1986 is that the outfits are becoming more and more elaborate, slowly shifting away from the striped swimsuits of years past.

Japan Grand Prix League Match Kazue Nagahori vs. Yumi Ogura

RED TYPHOON EXPLODES

These tournaments love pitting partners against one another. This is another match that looked good, but I'm guessing was clipped since I believe I saw that it was a thirty minute time limit and yet the match went to a draw. In about five minutes. God, I wished these shows would just show the full match. What we saw was good, and there was a real sense of struggle which, as I've mentioned, is like a hallmark of this era of women's wrestling.

Japan Grand Prix League Match Dump Matsumoto vs. Yukari Omori

This match.

Another League Match, this time Dump takes on Omori, now on her own since Jumbo retired, rendering The Dynamite Girls inert. Dump comes out in insanely badass samurai armor; it's like the company spent all of its money on face paint and cool entrances for Dump and her crew. Speaking of which, Shiro Abe returns, now fully decked out in Dump makeup and clothes, looking like he has to tell his wife something he discovered about himself.

Omori arrives in football gear, looking like a cuter diminutive Brian Battler. Dump spends most of the early match beating the Yukari Warrior while cutting promos on the mic. Soon, Devil, who was hanging ringside, gets involved and tries to protect Yukari. Dump eventually uses a chain like she's Birdie, choking Omori and tossing her around the ring. Chigusa arrives and attacks the ever living crap out of Dump. Within minutes after, all members of both sides flood the ring like ants, and what breaks out could best be described in the words of scholar, poet laruete and esteemed spokesperson Brock Lesnar from his seminal work, “that promo he cut that one time”: Utter freakin' chaos.”

Women are everywhere, and the crowd is whipped into some fanatical tremor. The scissors show up. Dump pulls on Chigusa's hair which, as we know, is a giant middle finger to Chigusa. The ref is fighting Abe, everyone is fighting each other; eventually the match is stopped, until some agreement is made to continue. Dump pretends  to be fair until she almost immediately retrieves the scissors and cuts at Omori's hair. Omori makes a comeback, until Dump turns it around and proceeds to STAB THE FUCKING SCISSORS RIGHT INTO OMORI'S ARM AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS A WRESTLING SHOW FOR YOUNG GIRLS AND WHAT IS THIS. Then she uses the fucking cane! The match ends in a double count out but the god damn sheer drop madness refuses to end there as Bull starts BITING THE BLOODY SCISSOR WOUND. Eventually, Omori spits on Dump and punches the ref. Christ. What a scene. Dump matches tend to devolve into brutal segments, and this one has got to be one of the worst I have ever seen; the scissor stab bothers me more than most CZW death matches I've seen. Bloody fucking hell. MUSCLE RATING: ***

WWWA World Tag Team Championship Noriyo Tateno & Itsuki Yamazaki (c) vs. Chigusa Nagayo & Lioness Asuka

Chigusa is wearing pants now!

There's little to say except this match is freakin' awesome. That's my professional opinion. Both teams go balls out, and it's rare that tag wrestling gets this good. The match seems just a little clipped, but not quite so much that you cannot see the action here. The Crush Gals rise to the occasion in big time tag matches, and the Jumping Bomb Angels are damned good, and a very good reason why they were involved in the best Royal Rumble match for years. Also, I am a squealing piece of trash for Lioness Asuka and this match only cements my landfill status; she kicks every inch of ass here (par for the course) and takes it hard to the JBA. The Crush Gals get the win and the titles in a big emotional moment, and, again, they are on top of the wrestling world. A damned good match. MUSCLE RATING: ****1/4

STAPEDIUS REVIEWS:

YOSHI-HASHI is commanding a strong presence early on, as he clearly has something to prove as he takes out  Kenny Omega in what was the best match of day 2. Nakajima is starting off strong, though really considering he beat Toru Yano he has yet to get some of the greater challenges in the League. Naito and Shibata are starting off losers, with Honma getting his win back from the NEVER title match he had with Shibata.

Tenzan continues his early streak as he looks to live up to his promise of winning the G1. That being said, I'm going to be the heel here and say that I hope Tenzan loses, and loses hard. I want to see him disappointed and I want to drink the sorrowful nectar of his failed fans.

Ahem.

Tama Tonga has gone right back to sucking all manner of ass. Goto and Ishii had the kind of hoss battle you'd expect, and it was my favorite bout from day 3. Marufuji failed at toppling Bad Luck – Bad Luck Fale, by the way, is awful, and I say that even having seen those supposedly good matches of his. I get that his role is important but he's such a waste of space in NJPW, and bogs down the typically glorious G1.

Okada finally got on the board, winning a decent match against SANADA. Tanahashi continues to fall as Makabe picks up a big, brutal win, and you wonder if Tanahashi can recover from this.

(he will)

Day 2

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Kenny Omega vs. YOSHI-HASHI MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Katsuhiko Nakajima vs. Toru Yano MUSCLE RATING: **

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

EVIL vs. Michael Elgin MUSCLE RATING: ***

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Tetsuya Naito vs. Yuji Nagata MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block B Match

Katsuyori Shibata vs. Tomoaki Honma  MUSCLE RATING: ***1/4

Day 3

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Tama Tonga MUSCLE RATING: *3/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hirooki Goto vs. Tomohiro Ishii MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Bad Luck Fale vs. Naomichi Marufuji MUSCLE RATING: **

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Kazuchika Okada vs. SANADA MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

G1 Climax 2016 Block A Match

Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Togi Makabe MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

Ryback vs. Kallisto ©

U.S Title Match

Ryback taunts the Chicago crowd by copying Punk's entrance gestures, and I already await to hear the people talk about how brilliant of a heat move it was for Ryback, as if the notoriously “dumb as fuck” slag machine actually thought it of his own volition without being told by someone who actually knew what they were doing. I'm sure the same people that give him credit unironically enjoy Baron Corbin, so you know we're dealing with people who drink from still ponds.

I dump on Ryback extensively, and for good god damn reason, but this match worked for me. Kallisto was what made this match work, flying around and doing what he could to make a Ryback match worth spending time on. I still have not seen their Mania match (has anyone? Everyone at Cowboys stadium is still waiting to get in) but there's no way it was better than this. A great match that probably should have been on the main card, using the minutes wasted for whatever gizzard scum shag segment involving the McMahons they plan on doing. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler

Didn't see it. Heard Ziggler won. Neat.

Enzo Amore and Big Cass vs. The Vaudevillians

Starting off with The New Day is more or less essential these days, as it always guarantees at least a great initial flurry of crowd response. That's not a thing I, or any rational person would have said even a year ago, but it's a testament to talented people being allowed to be talented. The New Day have been coming up with so many varieties of catch phrases and gimmicks that they are pretty much dancing to the ring with a WWE shop on them, complete with horns, shirts, Booty-O pieces, trombones, and all. They're like high level characters in an RPG, having gone from cloth wearing plebeians with swords worth five gold to being adorned from head to toe in transdimensional armor made from the very teeth of the Banished Heathen Lord. You think back to how it got to this point.

They sit ring side like they are at a slumber party, complete with bean bag looking cushions, pizza, and cell phones to give out live comments during the match. Enzo and Cass come out, and the crowd's panties (the metaphorical ones) get drenched in the flying spittle of Enzo's promos. Vaudevillians come out, ready to try and make the name for themselves, a task made the more difficult by the poor decision to not have at least a promo or video package made to introduce the larger WWE audience to these two.  

Unfortunately, none of this is the story of the match. Before the thing could get going, Gotch threw Enzo towards the ropes. Enzo hit the ropes in an awkward fashion, snapping his head back, bouncing his occipital protuberance off of the edge of the ring. He immediately fell to the floor in the fencer's position, and within minutes it was obvious: Enzo would not be able to continue.

The match was called. An abrupt, deflating end, and honestly jarring to see. For a moment I had wondered if Enzo fell to what killed Perro Aguayo Jr. the year before. Thankfully, he only had a (still serious) concussion. It's unfortunate to see, especially with two young, developing teams who no doubt wanted to prove their worth on their first PPV. MUSCLE RATING: No Rating.

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn

More than simply trying to get a windless crowd re-invested, these two had the difficult mission to bring back the crowd after a downer ending from the last match. If any two individuals could do it, Owens and Zayn would be that duo, as they continue a feud that has crossed promotions and pay tiers.

In short, the match was incredible. The crowd had mostly come back around almost instantly, as the two went at each other like unchained pit dogs. These two are just incredibly talented separately, and are able, together, to make their matches feel unique even after a decade of mutually assured destruction.

They were able to get the time they needed to really lay into each other. Owens gets yet another win over the perpetual underdog Zayn. This might be my favorite match of theirs, in-ring wise, since the NXT chapter of their rivalries. The other two may have been more important as a story, but this one I think had the best in-ring action, partially justified in that they didn't have to rely on “Sami's out on his feet” stories like they had previously. Show stolen. Calling it early. MUSCLE RATING: ****

Owens cuts a promo about how he has definitively proven that he is better than Zayn, and now wants to move on to the IC title. Even better, he is going to supply commentary for the next match, which is...

Cesaro vs. The Miz ©

Intercontinental Title Match

Okay, yes, it's a Cesaro carry session, but it's a small back pack filled with a few copies of Infinite Jest as opposed to the battleship hauling endeavor it could have possibly been with The Miz. Cesaro looked fantastic here, and it will be depressing in decades when he tops the list of “WWE Superstars Who Should Have Been Heavyweight Champion But Never Got The Shot.” Miz, you know, showed up, and that's about the best I can ask. His promo/character work has been fine, but it is always at bloody, disparaging odds with his ring work. He's not the WORST but I can only imagine how much “all-time” talk I would be willing to lavish on the man if his ring work was as solid as his promo skills.

Owens' commentary is, to no surprise, outstanding, and entertaining. He gets attacked by a vengeful Zayn (which sounds like the name of some obscure, tropical bird). The fight carries over into the ring, causing a distraction as Miz rolls up Cesaro and holds his tights for the pin. Hell breaks out as the four battle each other, ending with Owens standing tall. In a just world, Cesaro would already be on his fourth reign as WWE HWC. Miz looks like he's being crucified when he's in the giant swing. This is not a complaint. MUSCLE RATING: ***

I loved the booking here. I don't even mind the Miz winning, as it was in a cheap fashion. Plus, the forthcoming four way includes some incredibly amazing wrestlers and also The Miz. Seeing angles flow and evolve from one form to another is like some mutated booking I've rarely seen since the glory days of old guard ECW. It's logical, organic, and makes sense, and it has lead to something I actually want to see. And the Miz.

WWE uses this time to show how international they are by showcasing their UN convention of commentators. They have Spanish announcers, German announcers, Russian, Brazilian, and Japanese announcers. Black commentators, white commentators, chicken commentators, liver commentators; if you can find commentators for cheaper, then fuck it!

Color me impressed when they include Tagalog and Esperanto.

Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho

It's The Man Who Should Not Have Lost At Mania versus The Man Who Should Not Have Won. Take a moment to consider that the entire feud is based around them fighting over fake talk shows: Lean Ambrose's “Ambrose Asylum” vs. Jericho's “Highlight Wheel.” This might have been a fun angle in the eighties, when these talk shows were more frequent, as we would have matches with Roddy Piper, Jake the Snake, The Undertaker and Brutus Beefcake. Sadly, the idea of watching anything of Brutus Beefcake that's not making fun of his 984,173 iterations is a waste.

The match moves like everyone just got out of bed after getting trampled in the running of the bulls. A table spot on the outside signals the point when everyone tries to pretend that it's a PPV, and the match starts to get some Viagra mainlined into its abstract wrestle junk. The match picks up some after, though even when it improves there still exists some jerkiness, both in movement and in match flow. It's fine, nothing special. MUSCLE RATING: ***

A.J. Styles insists he had nothing to do with Guns and Gallows. He plans on winning the title tonight. He has not seen his betting odds.

Natalya vs. Charlotte ©

Women's Championship Match

There should be a drinking game. Take a shot every time the announcers mention “Fabulous Moolah.” And by “drinking” I mean vomit and by “take a shot” I mean discharge the acids and foodstuffs from your stomach because they keep bandying about the name of a garbage filth-sack as if she was a worthwhile human being.

What's almost as important as having the three way match at Mania is having a follow up match that keeps up the momentum, to enable consistency to prove that the best match at Mania was not an aberration, that the “new” women's division will actually have the backing of legitimate angles and legitimate matches behind it. It was disappointing to see the proposed Becky/Emma match not take place on this card for whatever reason, but Charlotte/Natalya was the smartest choice to continue the march of the re-branded women's division. Of course, there's something to be said for both a missing Sasha Banks and the “we want Sasha” chants that broke out.

I watched this match after the fact, and I guess I'm the one gone mad and slack jawed. It seems people were down on this match, but I genuinely loved it, save for the faulty, stale finish, which might be the source of people's ire. It obviously wasn't as good as their NXT match, which seems more and more like it won't be replicated anytime soon.

Back to the point, I was into this match. Natalya led Charlotte along and made something pretty compelling, with some mostly un-flashy but still good action, limb work, and an obvious and simple in-ring story. Natalya continues to prove, in my eyes, why she is one of the most underrated and under utilized workers around, man or woman.

There is, however, the finish, yet another tired retread of the Montreal Screwjob, which they peddle out every so often as or, what, they risk losing their copyright? It was coprophagous booking, and it happened in the wrong match, in the wrong time, and in the wrong place. I suppose there is no greater sign of the WWE's acceptance of legitimate women's matches than to give them main roster style butt fuck endings. Bret and Natalya hit sharpshooters on Flair and Charlotte, and once again a women's match is, in the end, defined by the men and their history. Oh dear. My SJW.

Good match, awful ending, sad to say. You know a rematch is coming, and I would hope that it would center solely on the two women and no one else. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

Vince McMahon decides between Steph and Shane and totally fuck yourselves forever I am not watching this bullshit. You could have left this for RAW and fit in another women's match or some filler match between any of the ten thousand people you have on your roster. Fuck this.

A.J. Styles vs. Roman Reigns ©

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match

Of all the matches on the card, this one had the largest barreling train of momentum coming in to the station. It had been surprisingly well booked so far, with Reigns as the mostly silent, belligerent prop with the centerpiece of the story placed around Styles and his “will they/won't they” relationship with his old pals Guns and Gallows. Odd that Styles would trust them mere months after they utterly stomped him out of the Bullet Club, but perhaps Styles read the part of bible about forgiveness, if not the part on acceptance. Still, it's Styles challenging the uncrowned top heel of the company in Chicago, which you know by itself adds an extra shot of Crank style adrenalin to the prospects of the match.

The contest is pretty much two halves; the wrestling half, and the cluster-bang half. The first half mostly tells the story of Strong and Attractive Roman “Strong and Attractive” Reigns over powering and dominating the smaller Styles, until Styles gets his offense together and begins to counteract Reigns' bombardment. A flying forearm to Reigns through a table signals the start of “Russo on a very good day” booking.

Reigns is counted out (because Styles does not know how breaking the count works, or thought he was in NJPW where you can lose the title on a count out). Styles wins. Shane McMahon comes out, because it's the year 1998 all the fuck over again, and restarts the match, making it no count out. The match continues, with Styles looking to finally overtake Reigns, until an errant shot to Styles' Phenomenal Ones sends him down. Ref calls a DQ. Stephanie McMahon comes out, because it's the year 1998 all the fuck over again, and restarts the match, making it no DQ.

The match moves on well enough from there, until the inevitable Guns and Gallows interference and subsequent battle with the Usos occur. A decent enough sequence ends the match in Reigns' favor, as Reigns dodges a flying forearm and retaliates with a spear.

Nearly everyone seemed to have enjoyed this match more than I did, and I say that with the emphatic utterance that this match was pretty good. It's not a full on carry job by Styles, but he was clearly both mover and shaker here, as Reigns is good enough that, with one of the legit best wrestlers in the world, he can be led to the ring and have a decent match. There were some fun false finishes, though both the McMahons' arrival and the obvious interference both progressed their respective stories but also did so at some sacrifice to the match at hand. They worked around and with it as well as I could be suspected.

What is of annoyance is the Roman booking. The man took more finishes than Lisa Sparxxx but, again, Styles only needed to get hit with one spear to be put down. This would not stoke irritation if it were a story device, and in part it is: the spear, despite it having been used by half the populace of Earth, is a powerful, single hit shoulder cracker of devastating magnitudes. It's Ultima and the Demon Rush shoved in the delts of a well-vested Samoan. Okay. I can work with that, I can extend wet and fleshy palms to receive that. That should be more true, there should be more one-and-done end game finishers, like Roberts' DDT or pre-streak tombstones or being within five feet of Bastion Booger when he does literally anything.

The point of problem occurs in that it's another trait hoarded and used almost exclusively for Roman Reigns. He gets all the good stuff, the perks, the pluses, all the toys out the box. As is no surprise to anyone who has watched more than ten minutes of WWE programming in the last several years, they want, desperately, for Roman to be the new Cena. John Cena is almost a title now, and if you are so called to receive this blessing, this curse, this boon, this burden, then you gain all of his abilities; the support of mentally ill-developed children (otherwise known as: children); the ability to never be wrong about anything, despite the fact that you're clearly in the wrong; the ability to just be better at everyone in anything, even if it involves beating them in their life long style of wrestling despite your having just picked it up the other day, like some sweaty, slick haired, squared circle Neo; the ability to receive endless and undeserved title shots, day in and day out, with aeons-long title reigns to suit. At this rate, Reigns is going to just spawn a cap and jorts out of his very meat. It will look like a scene from The Fly; Reigns will turn on his music player to listen to his theme song. Distortion wrangles the life out of the audio waves, and it becomes reborn as “My Time Is Now.” A panicked, mad-eyed Reigns will look in the mirror and see his attire morph to that of an overgrown eight year old boy. His claws at his flesh. Deep chunks of Reigns' face fall off into the sink. Underneath is not a skull. Underneath is BRUNDLE CENA. (Cena's overly loud, distorted theme plays, his entrance video runs on an eternal loop. Hell is JOHN CENA).

He still cannot cut a promo.

It will, at this rate, be the same story of old. A new alter rises from the pit of bones, and the alter is Roman Reigns. For the detriment of all, all others will be sacrificed and bled out by way of curved and wicked blades at the altar and shrine of Reigns.

This is why I hate the complaint of, “You always want something new, and then WWE gives it to you and you still complain.” It's not, as the bleach imbibing brain damaged individuals would say, “new.” It's the same hated formula but with new people thrown into the grinder. It's like being beaten regularly by someone with a table leg. You tell them you want to try something new. What you want is for them to stop and to try, I don't know, not wailing on you like you want to start a race war in Los Angeles. Instead, they beat you with a table leg, only this leg is mahogany, as opposed to the muted teak of the last leg. The most important element that needs to be changed, the beating, remains untouched. Booing or no, anti Reigns signs (that get photoshopped out of pictures) or no, this looks to be the next ten years. A powerful, all mighty face of dubious talents, defeating everyone forever while being artificially better than everyone forever. That's the Cena formula, dabbled with a hint of melanin and made anew.

The match! It was good, not great, though the possibility of such an occurrence exists, it's not a sub zero percentage. Styles, like in the story before hand, was the crux here, with Reigns fulfilling the narrative necessity of an opposing force. It takes two to tango, even if only one knows the dance. Would like to see more with less McMahons/shenanigans. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

The show ends with Shane, Steph, and Vince agreeing that Styles and Reigns will have an Extreme Rules rematch in my tattooed, scar ridden neck of the woods, Newark. Yes, the show ends with the McMahons, because it's the year 1998 all the fuck over again. Add Linda and it'll be the worst parts of 2000.

That's Payback, every decent match/aggressively unpleasant booking inch of it. Reigns and Styles continue their feud, with Guns and Gallows lurking in the background, two wild cards in their game. Meanwhile, presumably, possibly, a demon stalks the shadows.

The IC title scene, in a series of words that are almost as incredulous as my saying the women's division picture was the most compelling element of the WWE, is one of the best parts of the grand WWE story, being incredibly well booked so far, with a seamless unifying of interesting feuds and personalities. The women's element looks better than it had been, but still has yet to fully live up to the potential established at Mania.

And then there's the “New Era.” In a move that the WWE has been doing since the “Attitude Era” branding had become known, they've seemingly gone out to establish their own history, with Payback officially drumming this New Era. Questionable booking, low ratings, low drawing, tall, black clad champion, with smaller, superior wrestlers dancing at the cusp of the glass ceiling? New Age sounds like the “New Generation” of the mid nighties, only with objectively better matches, talents, but with significantly more McMahons. I'm not ready to write off this new aged experiment just yet, and in fact I am quite looking forward to Extreme Rules. But, as of yet, it's not the Big Leap forward that the WWE yet needs, and I have my doubts that they will ever take that tentative step.

Decent show. Skip the EandC/VV match. Swallow the bitter pills of not-so-hot endings. You'll get your pudding, but you'll have to eat your meat.

(which I hate, as I'd rather have meat over the pudding, though I guess it depends on the meat.)

Muscle Match of the Night: Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens

Puny Match of the Night: Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler. Probably

Realest Guy in the Emergency Room: Enzo Amore

Puny Waste of Time: McMahons.

Looking Strong: Reigns

Backpacker Recognition for the Strongest Backs: Styles, Cesaro, Natalya

Montreal Screwjob Count: Infinite.

Strongest One There Is: Kevin Owens

Strongest foreign Commentator Team: Brazil

Dumb As Fuck: Ryback

Better Than Mania Award: Payback, with reservations.

NXT #332

Why, it's the LAST episode of NXT taped in Dallas. Finally. No more sad sack crowds and spun wheels.

(Or maybe not with the spinning wheels. I won't belabor the point for long, and my mood might change upon seeing the future episodes, but I did read spoilers of the recent tapings and, well, at least there's Lucha Underground.)

Asuka opens up the show!

Against Eva Marie.

Okay, well. The match should have been over by the time I finished the word, “Okay.” I know they are basically stuck with Eva Marie, but their insistence to work someone up from a steep, negative amount of talent to something not even mediocre is puzzling, especially when you have a host of wrestlers at the ready that actually have potential. It just seems like both a waste of time and money. Excess reaction or not, nobody is paying to see Eva Marie one way or another.

Asuka takes far too much punishment from Eva Marie and the crimson experiment needs to go back in the vault and get sealed away for time immemorial, sparing the current populace of viewers, left to plague generations thousands of years from now with her mechanical physicality and trash offense. I say that, knowing, witnessing Marie improve. It just seems like these unnecessary, circuitous routes they take to make “stars.” Why is there a world where I'm bearing witness to an Eva Marie control sequence over Asuka?

Eva Marie has improved, but is still awful, like Baron Corbin. Asuka did what she could, and looked great, even with the blind newborn baby deer that is Marie. Nia Jax threatens Asuka. That might not be so bad, but it's a far cry from the prospects of matches between the Four Horsewomen just a year earlier. Asuka is going to have a massive burden to bear, trying to be the best of a mostly depleted women's division in NXT.

Watch Eva Marie become a great wrestler and I laugh as I jump off the tallest suspension bridge in North America.

I just might anyway, because life sucks. But that's neither here nor there.

MUSCLE RATING: *

Like I feared, they only showed fucking clips of the Balor title loss to Joe. I've already marked this episode as fucking terrible. Guess I better wait for two years before they release NXT Volume two on Blu-Ray so I can actually watch the fucking match. Christ.

Afterward, we get ads for the main event: Nakamura being wasted on Elias Samson. Its headlocks and hemlocks this episode.

The Revival return for the first time since losing their titles in Dallas. And they take on, of all people, 3.0 of Chikara notoriety. It's a squash match, but it's amazing seeing Big Magic getting the crowd to support the virtual unknowns. 3.0 are already the best thing happening this episode. And seeing Asuka exist.

The Revival get some live mic time, putting all of the tag teams of the world on notice. I hope Great Bash Heel watch their step.

Blake and Murphy take on the Hype Bros.

Jesus wept.

I am actively going to go against the fabric of my journalistic integrity and skipping this match. I don't hate myself enough to see Mojo Rawley do anything, or shout “HE AIN'T HYPE,” which is like pouring molten gold right into my god damn ears.

MUSCLE RATING: FUCKSTAIN SHITBUTTS

The Revival attack the Hype Bros., becoming instant faces in my eyes.

Carmella is next, alone in NXT now that her boys are on the main roster. Aaliyah (Nhooph from Breaking Ground) is out next, and I think this is her first on screen one on one match. Both Carmella and Aaliyah look decent in the match, with Aaliyah in particular looking like she has plenty of potential. Not a bad match, for what it is.

Samson has a promo.

MAIN EVENT TIME OF NAKAMURA and Samson.

Nakamura wins.

Nakamura's quality of opponents since TakeOver has dropped faster than the box office for Batman v. Superman.

Not that I'm looking forward to some of the next few episodes, but I'm glad these sludge packed, go-nowhere episodes in Dallas are over. This was, at best, just an episode of NXT, though I'm giving this show an official rating of “puny weakling” for not airing the entire Joe/Balor match.

This episode was almost like an inverted TakeOver special, with squash matches and some of the worst of the regularly televised roster swinging tons above their weight class. I don't want to see even two minutes of a competitive back and forth between Nakamura and Samson or Asuka and Eva Marie. I get that this is still technically “developmental,” though that is a designation that even NXT itself has bucked, so one cannot be surprised at some of the backlash it gets. Everyone has potential. I will begrudgingly admit that people like Samson have potential. It will not but realized when you're pitting them against A-list talent all the time, wasting time on TV and house shows. There's a reason Colin Delaney didn't show up in the WWE and take on John Cena in three months.

Bringing in people like Nakamura or Balor and thrusting them to the limelight make sense; they are proven talents. Unless Samson or Marie or anyone of a similar journeyman status have some other-worldly prodigal ability, why are we wasting time seeing them try to look legitimate against S++ stars? All the flaws will be present, and I cannot imagine it does anything for them. Honestly, I'd rather not even see the champion wrestling unless they're in a flash squash match or working an interesting program with a capable opponent.

Perspective dictates that NXT is still a solid hour of wrestling a week. But I feel like, with all of the call ups, it's a gulch of talent and interest, and we may be due for a while of both ho and hum programming for weeks to come.

God. Eva Marie, Mojo Rawley, Elias Samson. All we needed was a Baron Corbin vs. Alex Riley match and I would have been ready to call this the worst single hour of wrestling in the 21st century. Or at least since Legends of Wrestling.

Plus, I'm still super salty they didn't show the Joe/Balor title change.

I am a petty human.

ROH #240

We're still in Japan from two/three months ago, in what is an odd build to a PPV. It's not a bad week of television, from what I remember.

We have Lethal and Naito, the two stand outs of two separate heel stables, and both – now – champions of their respective companies. They take on Okada and YOSHI-HASHI, the designated mutton chop in a match of tigers. Truth Martini carries out a Japanese copy of his Book of Truth. But does it tell the truth about Unit 731, I wonder?

Uneventful match, but inoffensive, pretty typical for many New Japan tag house show matches. HASHI looks decent, but takes the inevitable fall. The House of Truth/Los Ingobernables pairing is a nice blend of heelin' fools. A thing this was, a decent thing, and little beyond that. MUSCLE RATING: **3/4

KUSHDA and Kazarian throw hands next. Kazarian will likely never give you a billion star match, but there's a reason he's had as long of a career as he has. KUSHIDA is one of the best juniors around, a lofty claim given the strength of the juniors in the world today. This is in no way MUST SEE wrestling, but there's decent action and the match never dulls. My official Revolver Ocelot ranking: “you're pretty good.” MUSCLE RATING: ***

ROH continues their “weirdo roster members traveling Japan” series, this time with Mark Briscoe. Like with Dalton Castle, this is worth watching, if for nothing else than to see Briscoe's face when he finds pictures of chickens. These segments mostly justify these week old re-airings.

A big main event, as reDRagon and Shibata take on The Elite of the Young Bucks and Kenny Omega. It's a great combination of talent, and I would love to see this in some larger PPV or big show capacity. Even in glorified house show mode, the match still manages to be  fun to watch, with the antics you would expect from these three. This is mostly an Elite match, as they are the highlight and the focus, with Shibata barely being involved. Superkicks, flips, submission moves. A fine TV main event. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

Lucha Underground

Tonight!

Four teams battle for three titles because math is just some weird aberration in lucha libre!

Also, Cage! But in a cage!

We start up with Mundo vs. Cage, in a cage. Because he's a machine. Cage, I mean. Not the cage. That's metal. I guess Cage is, as well, since he's a machine. I wonder if there's a smaller, also machine Cage inside Cage, presuming Cage is made of metal, as he's also a machine, and possibly a cage.

Mundo comes in with the advantage of having already been in a cage match in LU. Cage comes in with the advantage of being engineered by the finest architects in swole technology. Pinfalls, submissions, or escaping the cage win the match, and I wonder if anyone uses a cage match in the classical sense, with no escapes. Cage has an early advantage because he's about the size of both Bebop and Rocksteady (RockBop, or BoSteady, which is just Bo Dallas on diazepam), before Mundo comes back with knee strikes and some outside help from Taya.

Top rope Moonlight Drive! Sprinboard into a wheelbarrow German suplex! An STJoe! Mundo taking some pretty raunchy hits on the cage. This match is worth it alone for the “Mundo evades Cage and a Singapore cane” sequence. Taya is throwing in weapons like the messenger man from the “Samurai Shodown” games. A Magic Killer, and LU continues to be prescient in regards to the WWE. Cage continues his metamorphic rise into being Scott Steiner '16 by hitting a Steiner Screwdriver. Taya interference backfires and Cage wins the match, presumably the feud, and an ancient Aztec medallion. Cage wins what was mostly a one sided feud, and I'm hoping they move Mundo on to better things. Mundo and Taya deserve better. Fun match. MUSCLE RATING: ***1/2

Some people online were apparently taken out of the cage match because of a chair shot to the head that occurred at some point during the match, complaining that people shouldn't be taking chair shots in 2016. My very quick take on it: I don't care what they do.

That's a rapid response, and the subject is, indeed, more nuanced than that, but there's nothing that can bother me about a professional wrestler doing whatever they want in a ring. Would I prefer there be no head shots? Yes. Would I prefer a gimmicked chair, or a hand in the way? Of course. If I ran a promotion, would I ban chair shots to the head? Yes. But it's very hard for me to be fully perturbed by whatever a professional wrestler does in the ring of their own volition. I do not and will not like it, but it won't extract me from my enjoyment of the match, because that is who they are and what they have decided to do. It's a case of “so be it.” If they're being forced to take head shots then, yes, bullshit called, and the whole matter needs reconfiguring. But grown individuals, professionals, knowing what can happen and continuing to do so, anyway? On their own heads, etc. etc. I don't think it's a callous reply to the situation, but a rare moment of realism to view them as capable individuals understanding consequence. Of course, I feel bad for enjoying a form of entertainment that leads to such physical breakdowns, but that's some other argument I'll internally battle later.

Before the announcement of the trios final, Dario Cuerto lets everyone know that Angelico has been mysteriously injured, cutting the team now to Son of Havoc and Ivelisse, the second year in a row they've been forced into a disadvantageous position going into a trios championship match. It's PJ Black, Jack Evans, and Fenix vs. Cortez, Cisco, and Joey Ryan, along with Prince Puma, Dragon Azteka Jr. and Rey Mysterio, all with Havoc and Ivelisse in the mix.

(It seems Angelico got injured in real life, some kind of knee injury. Is Son of Havoc next?)

Four teams, three people per team, except one team with two people, fighting for a title for three people. Think about it.

This match must have been a monster to plan out, a low scale logistical nightmare. Four team elimination, with one member of each team in the ring at the same time, it's like a series of four way matches stacked on top of each other, some elimination fatal four way turducken. At one point, we get a volatile mixture: Joey Ryan and a woman. As these things tend to play out, Ryan ends getting suplexed, this time by Ivelisse.

I really should have saved my “more flips than an Ihop kitchen” comment for this match; it's all arched backs suspended in mid air and hang time and casual fingers given to physics. A spat between Ryan and Cortez leads to Ryan, Cortez, and Cisco being eliminated first. Evans eliminates Havoc and Ivelisse, guaranteeing new champions tonight. A couple of odd stutters here, but this match still delivers: highly entertaining wrestling with a rampant disregard for gravity. The Super Lucha team of Puma, Rey, and the increasingly impressive Dragon Azteka Jr. win, becoming the new trios champs. MUSCLE RATING: ***3/4

Elsewhere, we see Vampiro's extra curricular activities. In an abandoned warehouse, we see “dark pope” variant Vampiro summoning Pentagon Jr., who is wheelchair ridden thanks to Matanza. Vampiro demands he gets up, with Pentagon having a great little, “Um, cero mobility, dude,” face. Vampiro pours some hot candle wax on Pentagon, which he somehow feels through his mask. Pentagon gets up, only to collapse on the floor. There's a great shot of a face down Pentagon, eying a black candle as fog covers the whole scene.

To be honest, I was hoping he would get up and say, “Mein fuhrer! Cero Miedo!”

Great episode that felt half as long. It was almost like a chapter break, with big finishes to two big matches. Not the best episode ever, but perhaps a perfect episode, insofar as pacing and decent television match quality. Likely the best show I'll see all week.