#flatus

[It emerges that, like the Deacon's One-Hoss Shay, the Mean Machine suddenly, spontaneously even, collapseth by the road, prompting the following exchange:]

DICK DASTARDLY, in a fit of paranoia most extreme: MUTTLEY--!!!!! Did you perchance press the self-destruct button to send this car into collapse?

MUTTLEY: [Inevitable dumb snickering, even pointing at Dick Dastardly to show, perhaps, who may really be at fault here.]

DICK DASTARDLY, ever deeper in the paranoia: MUTTLEY--!!!

[Whereupon Muttley turns his back unto Dastardly, passing quite substantial and powerful flatus as triggers quite the explosion as finishes off the #00 Mean Machine, with the usual snickering to finish off all.]

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1O4-Fwprp_G1h19KYVQt6cUng-zUXHnTV

Ok...so...Here is what I am thinking. Maybe 2-4 times a month, i’ll give you all a FREE cross stitch pattern as part of my “Crappy Cross stitches” series. Each time I upload, you will get a free pattern, of my choosing...no matter how crappy it may look. Maybe it will be even crappier than the last one. Maybe i’ll leave in all my  mistakes. Maybe You’ll get a few at once, or just one. Or maybe it’ll just be one pixel. maybe i’ll do a pattern that looks ok, but will TOTALLY fuck with the OCD people because something will be off by ONE pixel. 

But whatever it is, You’ll have to deal with it BECAUSE IT’S FREE! Doesn’t mean i have to make it look good! I mean, i got the idea from @shitpostsampler when they’d post random quotes and things...but they made it look good, and pretty, and nice...so, let me go the opposite route. And make it look like crap, on purpose. 

I will try to do one 2-4 times a month...but feel free for some gentle reminders if time goes by and i get busy and forget to upload one. Not like they take very long anyway. I can dish one out in 5 minutes because they are so crappy.  so, here is the first set. 

I can’t stop passing gas Dimensions: 7.43in x 5.43in (18.98c, x 13.81cm) Black and white only. Color it in as you wish. Heck, make a nasty green fart cloud for all i care. Stitch in skid marks. Or stitch a little poop emoji in the corner...

Why this? Well, i’m lactose intolerant. certain diary products make me fart. non stop. Or, if i eat mexican food with beans in it. or broccoli. sometimes, it stinks to high hell, sometimes it doesn’t....BUT WE CAN ALL RELATE TO HAVING EATEN SOMETHING THAT MAKES US FART NON STOP...and sometimes, our significant others look at us with disgust...or maybe you are the type to purposely go to your SO and fart on them in revenge for something.

[Mise en scene: Dick Dastardly's quarters, or such which pass for them in his depravity and hubris. We can see him preparing a tumbler of Seidlitz Powders, as requires mixing the contents of separate white and blue packets into a glass of water and drinking the compound as an antacid. We can soon discern him settling into his favourite easy chair with Muttley by his side, trying to feel satisfied--until something "snaps" inside Dick Dastardly.]

DICK DASTARDLY, in his depraved Luscious Glory: No, Muttley, you can't have my Seidlitz Powders! Besides, I'm too dependent on them already as it is--AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, MUTTLEY!!!

MUTTLEY: [Repulsive, almost vulgar snickering, especially as it just so happens that Dick Dastardly is about to pass some serious flatus, so driving Muttley even deeper into the snickering]

DICK DASTARDLY, even angrier because the reaction: MUTTLEY!!! YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING JUST NOW! COME AND GET YOUR JUST DESS-

[Only Dick Dastardly is again passing ever more depraved flatus, perhaps a consequence of the Seidlitz Powders, further fuelling Muttley's hilarity all the way to ROFLHAO mode]

MUTTLEY--!!!!

ahem