Good Place Deviation: The Bad Place Library
@ashleybenlove
Michael rarely came to the library. He didn't dislike books or librarians; in fact, he felt that the Bad Place Librarians got a bad rep for being information booths rather than actual technicians. He admired their technique.
The fact was that he needed a place to hide the humans, where demons wouldn't even think to look. Michael had considered the Museum of Torture as one option, but Shawn had let slip that there was going to be an exhibit of the Neighborhood, so it'd be a giant gala opening. He went with plan B instead. On the train, everyone dressed quietly. Janet made wigs for Tahani and Eleanor, while Jason got a hat. Chidi refused any wig. He said that was too similar to lying. Eleanor said that was "bullshit," and squealed on realizing she could curse. Tahani practiced her American accent on Eleanor, who could help but marvel at the change. Jason tossed around an orange. It was a slow trek from the train station. Michael could see Tahani swallowing her coughs. Good. demons never coughed because of the train. They walked through the glass doors of the library. Despite the Bad Place having darkness, artificial sunlight shone through the library windows. That way you could see all the fake plastic displays. Michael wrinkled his nose as the videocassettes on display, with no VCR available. Obviously. He had chosen a day where only one librarian was behind the desk, a bad Janet. In any case, she couldn't leave the desk. Not unless another librarian backed her up. Michael had checked the schedule. All the librarians were off-duty. Probably helping Shawn with his paperwork. The first floor didn't really have books. It had some plastic displays of books, but those would burn your fingers on touching them. There were some recorded story times of kids having to hear the most annoying children's books over and over again. Those rooms were closed. They could hear the muffled singsong. "I want to sit in for storytime!" Jason said. "No, Jason," Michael said with measured patience. "Your ears will burn off if you even listen a few minutes." Janet corralled Jason while making an effort to scowl and look bored. She still projected an aura of helpfulness. Michael hoped the librarian's phone was greatly intriguing her. "Why would you need such a nice library?" Tahani whispered. "I remember J.K. Rowling's private display, and it was nowhere near as majestic as this." "Sometimes demons need a change of pace when they need to find information," Michael explained. "You won't think it's as nice after a few sessions." The escalators to the second floor ran in two speeds: murderously fast and gruntingly slow. They squealed loudly, which made a grating sound in the silent sunlight. Each step had large gaps between them. Jason made a beeline for the fast one. Janet grabbed him by his coat sleeves. "If you fall, you'll end up crashing into an endless void and suffocate," she warned. "Awesome!" Jason whispered. "Everyone, keep Jason from falling," Michael deadpanned. They slid onto the slow escalator, Eleanor, and Tahani in front while Chidi took up the rear with Michael. The steps squeaked upward, guaranteeing that no one could overhear them through the noise. "Okay," Michael said. "I'm going to try and find more pins so that we can all reach the judge. The second floor is usually very quiet. You should all be safe and Shawn won't think to look for you here." "I can't believe in the middle of all these torture sessions you actually have something as civilized as a library," Eleanor said. "In Arizona, the libraries double as locations for porn shoots." "I'm well aware of that," Michael replied. "It's not like we have anything else other than a few bars." He realized something was wrong as soon as they hopped the last step to the polished marble floors. There was ballet music from behind a closed door. It was ...nice. There was never nice music here. He had gotten some pieces from a stolen CD from the real Good Place for his fake neighborhood. The door opened. Giant feathers flew out. Team Cockroach all leaped back. Loud music followed them. 'Oh. Director," Michael said. "Hi, Noelle." His heart sank. The Director was a technician that specialized in making torture a theater. Literally. She had platinum blond hair and star-shaped glasses. Her heels clicked against the floor. "Hey there, Michael," she said. "Congrats on your promotion. You should be with Shawn." "He gave me a break," Michael said. "I'm just trying to find a quiet place. You know." "We're doing Swan Lake," the Director said. "We need some extra hands for the tech crew. Isn't this your lucky day?" Oh no, Michael thought. He turned to the Team. Tahani looked interested in the ballet's name. "We actually have a torture meeting group upstairs," Eleanor lied with ease. "We're some new recruits learning from the best. Michael!" Her fake smile was dazzling. Michael knew she had used it to score free drinks from her bartender boyfriend. He was grateful to see it now. "Yes, Michael," Tahani drawled. "We're doing a seminar with him." "Ah well," the Director said. "Conference room is free. Keep it down or the swans will eat you." She slammed the door. The music died. Michael sighed in relief. "That was close," he said. "Let's go to the conference room before she decides to make you dance."
