#firstpart

November 15, 1935

     The feeling began many nights ago. That feeling when the hairs on your neck stand up as a shiver is sent down your spine. It's almost more of a sense rather than a feeling- a bestial sense from before homo sapiens existed, that kept our archaic ancestors alive. I felt it now as I recall the feeling from previous days, I feel as if the shadows behind me hide some sort of whispering being, closely watching me.

     Three nights ago was when I felt it for the first time. I was washing my face in my small manageable bathroom. It’s color dull and showed a few years of use. I dried my face with a small towel and looked into the rounded mirror in front of me on the wall. Looking back at me was a man with a shaved face in his late twenties. His brown hair combed to one side and exhausted yet youthful brown eyes looked back at me. As I was viewing myself in the mirror I noticed something off. I lifted my jawline a little bit to see was seemed to be a small birthmark and yet I do not recall ever having a birthmark of any kind, let alone on my face. I leaned closer, and though I did not know it, each centimeter I moved closer to the mirror sealed my gruesome fate that much more. Once I was about two inches away I felt a coldness crept from behind me. I shivered as I turned quickly around, looking for whatever that ancient bestial sense felt was threatening my existence. I found nothing but a shower curtain, tub, and a toilet looking back at me with nothing to hide, and yet I still felt this strange feeling. I felt as if something was hiding just out of sight, my heart beating fast showed I was still scared. I remember shaking my head in dismay as it was a childish thought and a figment of my imagination. I thought to myself “this bathroom doesn’t even have a window, how could something be watching me?”

Matagal na ang panahon nang huli akong nag-tumblr. Looking back, I have a tumblr account but I choose to make a new one, leaving the old as is. 

My old tumbr account is, I should say the proof of the old life that God took me away from. Back then, I was careless and gullible. I was too outspoken and not minding if I’m going to hurt someone. Mainitin ang ulo, maldita, masyadong prangka. I fell in and out of love for a few times. I hurt someone and got myself broken too. I always see myself as a victim, but little did I know, I was a perpetrator myself. 

Until the year 2017, I felt so empty and lonely. During those time, I have someone with me but didn’t felt like I have him. I suddenly thought of going to a Christian Church. While worshiping, tears fell from my eyes. I can’t help myself but cry. As I listened to the pastor’s preaching, something pierced through my heart. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, parang ako yung kinakausap nung pastor. Noong mga panahon na ‘yon, I’m also struggling financially and I didn’t know what else to do. That’s when I started to go to a church every Sunday. Favor after favor. Naka-cope up ako sa financial struggle ko. I really thank God for that.

I thought everything was good and natapos na ang struggle ko. I was with a man I’ve been with since college, it was an on and off relationship. Then come year 2019, after almost 7 years of being together, we decided to end the relationship. It was painful, devastating, and frustrating moment of my life. At first, hindi ko matanggap sa sarili ko yung nangyari sa amin. I thought that if I became a christian woman, everything will fall into places. It was the total opposite. 

February 2, 2019 was the day I decided to proclaim that I am a follower of Jesus, that I am a daughter of God. Few days later, nag-stumble ang relationship ko with the guy. He then decided to call it quits. I cried for a few days, hindi ako nakakain ng maayos. Pag-gising ko sa umaga tumutulo na agad ang luha sa aking mga mata. Habang kumakain o naliligo, at bago matulog umiiyak pa rin ako. My mom was sick worried about me. If that was depression, I’m probably has it. I kept on asking myself, what did I do wrong? Is this karma, sa mga pinag-gagawa ko sa kanya before? Then I tried chasing him, pleaded him to try again and fix the relationship. Because I thought that the years we spent will eventually end up to marriage. But God said no, it’s enough. He was not for you, and you are not for him. Few weeks later, we decided to really quit.

Nung nangyari yon, hindi na ako umiyak, I felt at ease and I got more time to spend with my family and friends. I reconnected with the friends that I lost when I am with this guy. I visited my relatives more often after the break-up. It was tough explaining to them what happened but I never felt so much love during those time. May nagmamahal pa pala sa akin. Some cared about me. 

I prayed earnestly to God for my ex-boyfriend to keep him safe and happy. And prayed for myself not to be sad and lonely. I prayed for everyone who cared about me. And most specially, pinagdadasal ko sa Diyos yung taong inilaan nya para sa akin.