#firstmentalbreakdown

Salutations good sir!

Man this week was a rollercoaster of emotions. Honestly probably one of the hardest weeks I have ever endured. But before that, lemme take a hot sec to answer some of your questions and comment on you. First and foremost, I'm SUPER proud of you and how much of an adult you are becoming! Your life seems, if not more than, as crazy as mine does. It always brings a smile to my face when you tell me how you are breaking out of your shell in more social and professional environments because when it’s us and the gang, you are more than sociable, so I see it as more the world is getting to see the true version of you, a dorky pensive goofball. Even though this wasn't in your post, because we talk outside of said blog, I was really happy that Lyss was able to go see you two and spend some time with ya. I can’t wait to see you all for Thanksgiving, which is just a few short weeks away!! Also, when are you coming home for that? I'm gonna be in Iowa from that Tuesday until maybe Friday morning so I wanna see you when I can before I have to leave again. You might have to share me with Jaynie at that point because I'm not gonna have tons of time to see everyone. Ummmm your question for the week was kinda hard because I would want everything to be magical. Buuuuut, if I had to choose, I would probably go with something inconspicuous like a magic watch that when you open it or interact with it in whichever way the player sees fit, a portal opens from which you can pull/store anything like Hermione's bag. Or it’s imbued with some sort of element and you can get creative with what it can affect, like you click it and you turn into a flame-man or different parts of you take on the characteristics of the different elements a la Ben 10. So yeah, something like that.

Now for my week in retrospect! Let’s see, Halloween here at school is more of a big deal on the weekend (Halloweekend is what they call it) because that is when all the parties are, so I stayed in and studied and did work like a good lil noodle. I did dress up in my Superman onesie while I did work so that was kinda in the Halloween spirit. So lemme just preface what my academic week entailed and then we can get into it. Monday: 3-4 page Spanish paper was due, Tuesday: Orgo lab report due, Wednesday: Test corrections due for my Bioclocks test, Spanish essay test, History of Warfare test where like every subject involved some iteration of Charles, Frederick, Philip, Henry or some Pope, Friday: massive Orgo test, big project due at midnight for my Brain Damage class, and another assignment for said class. And inbetween all of those things, I had to study for all 3 tests, perform a continuous sleep study on myself, help mediate/console 2 friends who are dating/like each other but being stupid so I'm being the good friend who listens and tries to help, AND still dealing with my own emotional shortcomings. Ok got the picture? Simple enough? Good. OH! And I planned out the rest of my classes for the rest of college in order to be prepared and efficient for class registration, which is tomorrow for me.

So I did what I had to do and I buckled down, studying and working on everything while trying to be a good friend for these two love birds. Now I think the earliest I ever got to sleep this past week was 3 in the morning, and I woke up at 8 every day, so my body was really pushing its limits. I didn't really feel stressed out in the beginning of the week, which is normal for me. You know me better than anyone, so you know that I'm pretty calm under pressure and don't panic, which I just consciously realized is all God. I always knew that everything I did wasn't by my own strength and that I am extremely blessed and favored, but it never really registered in me that the reason for my stress-free life is because I have faith in God that he will take care of me and everything will work out in accordance with his plan and if God provides for the birds, why would he not provide for his own beloved children. So that was pretty cool to actively know that. Now back from my sermon of the week to our previously scheduled programming. Totally ok during the week, and then Thursday hit. I was feeling like crap, like actual crap, no figure of speech there or excuse to include some profanity, I was really not feeling well. But I had already asked Nidhi if she wanted to go get breakfast that day at 9 because I haven't had a real breakfast in forever. I ate like 3 bites before I started to feel worse. So we do breakfast and then move to go do work. Standard stuff, studying, tried to eat a lil something for lunch, couldn't. So I went back to the house and kept studying until I finished the notes and felt like I had an ok grasp on the material. Later that day, my friend Jordan came over and we were studying together and she would ask me a question about something, but I just had no idea how to answer, so we moved on to the practice test which we both usually do pretty well on. But we couldn't even make it past the first question without having to look everything up and I was getting really frustrated at that point because I had been studying for over a week. Now at this same point in time, in addition to the friends in love problem thing, I was getting frustrated with myself over this whole Jaynie situation because I'm me and I haven't told her how I feel and it has been eating at me for a bit and she has been busy so we hadn't been talking a lot and you know how I get attached to the people around me, so not talking to one of my favorite people was pretty frustrating. And we were talking at the time of my failure to even attempt the practice test and I was telling her that I was getting frustrated amongst other things. She asked me what was wrong and if I wanted to talk about it, and I said yes and no because it’s complicated and I wanted to tell her everything but it’s hard to tell her some of the reason for my anxiety was because of her and my feelings for her so that worsened things on my end because she could tell I was losing it, so she used my own advice I gave to her earlier that week against me that I needed to talk to someone and not internalize my feelings. So at that point I kinda just lost it and left the house to go on a walk. I was gonna call you because I tell you everything, but it was like 1 in the morning at that point and you were asleep, and I was gonna call my dad because he and my brother have a close relationship and I know that he will always be up and willing to listen and give me some advice, but I didn't do any of that. Instead I called Jaynie. I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew that I had to hear her voice. Luckily she answered, and I was initially just gonna call and say thanks for helping me through it and that I was gonna call my dad afterwards, but I never did and we ended up talking for a little bit and it felt really good. She knew that the best way to calm me down was to ask me about other stuff like the crappy dodgeball game and some other stuff to get my mind off things and it was really just what I needed. We didn't really address anything else major, even though I really wanted to bring us up, but I didn't and after we were done on the phone she sent me nice text telling me that I always had someone to call and that I don't always have to be perfect. So outta my ashes of a first mental breakdown came some solace and some good in that one call. But yeah, that was my week.

As for this upcoming week, I'm pleased to announce that Jaynie will be coming back for the weekend because I invited her! Nidhi is dancing in the Diwali showcase on Saturaday, which is an Indian festival thing and she is super excited to do it, so I figured it would be a nice surprise if her best friend came into town to see her dance. But we are ALSO going to another concert after Nidhi’s dance and that is gonna be fun because we know the band personally. More on them later in the recommendations. And so we had this all set up to surprise Nidhi, but things kinda got twisted around logistically, so we had to tell Nidhi about it since Jaynie is gonna be staying the weekend with her and she didn't wanna just blindside her like that, so I told Nidhi what was going on and she was so happy, so I'm pretty excited for this weekend for 2 reasons, which are pretty obvious and need no further words ;). The only thing I have to get done this week is to write a research paper for Friday, but I think that’ll be ok. Life is on the upswing right now.

Ok recommendation: this band we are seeing is called Arlie, and the guitarist was the RA of the floor my friends and I hung out on all the time last year in Memorial and we are good friends with him. But they just signed a record deal, and they have their single out on Spotify right now and it is actually decently popular with like over a million listens already, so check out Arlie and their single because I think you would enjoy it. Question of the week: have you ever thought about watching Silicon Valley on HBO? I have seen the first episode and am wondering if you would like to watch with me? Oh, I also have watched all of the Bloodborne and Dark Souls 3 play throughs on IGN, so praise the sun for that!! Now that I have once again plot dumped on you, I bid thee farewell.

With all my love,

the doc