#first vent

I'm really fine! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT

Nothing is wrong with me. I'M A DISAPPOINTMENT

Do you ever look at yourself and wonder why people like you so much? I look at my friends and my love and i kinda stare at my phone wondering if i even deserve such love.

The other day i planned to starve myself and pretend to eat just to see if people would care, or maybe it was just an excuse. I failed and i ate, so that was a bust.

I cried when trying to pick out new glasses. They all looked horrible, and i hated how my nose looked. I dont like my face in general, so it was hard to keep looking at myself.

I don't deserve my love. Genuinely. Shes so nice and kind and pretty and talented and here i am crying over spilt milk {not actually but you get the point.}. I used to think about meeting up, just to imagine her not liking hoe i look.

I wish i didn't cry all the time. Genuinely pathetic. Cry because i cant draw, crying because im alone, crying about something i did its all the same. Ill have random bursts of Happiness and Sadness, and my emotions go all over the place. Im so tired but awake at the same time.

Genuinely thought of hurting/starving myself but then decided im not even worth the effort.

I’m putting my little pity party under the cut cus I’m worried about jumpscaring anyone who reads.

Dni if sensitive to that stuff above that stuff above

Well this i great!....... i botch the quiz at my work and i only have one more chance left otherwise im out of the job!!!!!

why do i bother. i wake up to just do homework make my life a mess and argue with my mom. do i try? yes. But in the end it just ends in an argument. i get stressed and try to leave my mom alone. but the bitch just comes and makes everything worse. the worst part? she won’t admit the fact that she continued it. she wants me to be this perfect girl who does everything she orders and doesn’t make a sound. well guess what? too bad. She threatens me to send me back to public school. when she gets mad/pissed she starts threatening me and bringing up things that dont even matter. What if a say something back? she slaps me or hit’s me. I can’t say anything so i just have to stand there and take it. when i huddle up in a corner she takes advantage and starts saying things that just...hurt. When i cry she starts saying how i shouldn’t cry, im a hypocrite, why am i crying for, ect. 

a few months ago we were at this mall. she and i went in a bathroom while my dad went outside to wait in the car. we go out and have to go down to the first floor. there’s an option to go down the escalators or down some stairs that are closer to the exit. this fat bitch chooses the escalators and makes me go first. Me being the overthinker that i am, thinks that ill fall face first or get a peice of fabric stuck. I say no and suggest the stairs that are closer to the exit. Fat bitch doesn’t like the idea and starts THREATENING that she’ll take me to public school. After a while she grabs my arm and lets go when im at the front. I take a few steps back and i bump into her, she pushes me forward and as i was about to say something she clutches my arm, digging her nails into her skin, and brings me down with her. 

But before all that, she wanted a lemonade since the vending machines arent working, she gives me some money and pushes me towards a small shop. I have social anxiety and start freaking out (as she calls it), and start saying no. She starts threating that she’ll take away the right to watch tv or any other electronic device. I shrug at that and she takes it a step further. “You’ll go back to public school.” I tell her that’s she is the adult and she wants the lemonade which means she should go and buy it. She keeps say that she’ll send me back to public school, and starts ranting about the plans if i go to public school. I ask the lady for a lemonade. we sit down alongside my dad.

After that we get in the car. AT this point i already want to burst out crying, but i know my mom would say so i just ‘bottle up my feelings’. We go to this food place and i slowly eat my burrito without a word. We get home and ( i forgot what happened)

I return home late as fuck

i have to do like 3 long ass assignments

and tomorrow i have to go to church and it’s teens day and im the only teen which means i have to go up there. I have to pick 2 parts from the bible for the theme. I hate it. Oh did i mention i have the president, treasurer, and secretary.