#finn's entry

I got Nife's last entry, along with Diana's, but they apparently would late according to her. I assume she's done it again, and I won't be getting anything from them until Diane let's that silly bird come here. I don't know if Nife's noticed. Maybe they just assume I'm getting lazy again.

I might just be. Maybe the bird came while I was gone and left before I came back. A lot of things could have factored into why these entries are barely drudging on these days. I hope Diane figures out how important talking to Nife is to me. That cookoo cluck has been my only contact with something I hope for a while now.

The fact that I easily get distracted and forget things also comes to play. Nife doesn't need to scramble for satisfaction; I do. Humans are like that, in a way.

Anyway, I should try to enjoy what my family and I did yesterday. We went out into the heated and scorching sun that blazes through the cloudless sky and searched through place after place for the store my grandmother was looking for. She had a specific item in mind, but no matter where we went, they never had it.

We ended up forgetting about it, and I never knew what it was, just that we were looking for something she wanted specifically. I eventually got a headache from the heat, since we were driving from place to place and wandering through parking lots most of the time.

I was hoping to celebrate yesterday with some fireworks, but we live in an area that doesn't allow them. It was out of the question, so I tried just bringing up staying home and relaxing, maybe have a nice dinner. We ate out when we left.

The whole point of the trip ended up being pointless. We ended up at a mall, I got a game, my mom got some shoes she wanted, and grandma got a good cup of coffee at this nice shop.

All in all, it wasn't a bad day, just a "really painful to the head and feet" kind of day. I don't remember how it ended. Apparently I fell asleep in the car, and usually when I do that the rest of the night's a blur. The proof? Here I am with that same nice little headache I forgot to take some pain pills for.

Joy.

I guess it's all a matter of what I've become in a sense. Maybe I went so far as to paint myself as a victim to an incident I just happened to mold without my knowledge. I painted my downward spiral. It was what I practically intended, the more I think about it.

When I was younger, I strove to be something unnatural. I wanted to be the monsters I read about. I wanted to be independent and mischievous and unpredictable. Here I am now, being that person, and being upset because of it. I want to burn the art I created of myself. The mask I put on became my reality. I dared to be independent yet there, and now I've paid the price.

I became two seperate people trapped in one body, meshed together into one consciousness and praying for stability as I scramble through the days and nights.

It's my own fault for driving people away, and maybe I blame myself too much, but I usually fall to this conclusion when I really don't know what else to think. I don't know who I am anymore, and as days go by, I keep dragging myself through anxiety and pleading for a better day tomorrow that I don't even know what to with myself anymore.

I don't know what companionship really is. I don't know what love really feels like. I don't know a lot of things about other people's lives. I don't know why I assume people really care about my own. I don't know if people would rather hear about me, or Nife. I don't ever know.

I'm tired. I'm tired of loneliness, of self-doubt, of hate, of regret, of ever terrible thing I've made myself out to be. I've been wanting to change myself for years. I've wanted to turn around ever since I realized how much I've changed for people who found they really didn't need me, no matter what they insisted. I never mattered to them, and I barely matter to anyone of my new friends.

I'm a broken toy that just wants to be something better in the eyes of others. I want to be something people really care about as much as I care about people. I want to mean the world to someone. I want to matter again. I want to find something that I can do to make people happy and smile and say that it makes them feel brighter.

I wish something like that could really come easy to me but I don't know. Maybe I'm in denial about something. I'm unsure of what purpose I've really given myself. I've lost myself so quickly that I'm having doubts of my own sanity, my own stability. I don't know if I'm okay. I don't know if I'm good, if I'm a good person that should focus on smiling and knowing that the next day will be better than the last.

Maybe I should quit being so personal about things. I shouldn't focus on these kinds of topics. I never should have written about my problems. They are worthless to think about and review everyday, trying to imagine a what if that will never come true. It was a mistake, all of it, and I'll never be able to atone for anything without having to suffer through it all again.

What more can I do though? My life is so simply put out just like any other person's. It's filled with problems and mistakes and changes, but I don't want things like that. I, like others, just want to be a better person. I want to be human, real and true.

I just want to be happy again, and never touch the mask I've work grooves into ever again.

Well, this might get a bit personal, and a startling beginning, but I haven't been sleeping well lately. I've been restlessly trying to get some motivation, but my drive has mowed down due to an increasingly unrelentless bout of loneliness and maybe even depression?

I'm unsure, though the story stretches a bit when I add it in.

I should explain, and no, I'm not actually going to burn anything. Except maybe my retinas from all this screen usage at bright levels. Yesterday, I left myself out of the journal entry list due to a sudden childish amount of hate for a one-time friend. I have had many days like this, where I can't get over the long standing relationship, and the anti-climatic, inevitable end.

I have had relationship strains ever since, and have never been able to really trust or become truly close with anyone else. This isn't in the romantic sense either, though at one point in the issue it was. While I'm sure the issue shouldn't be mentioned here, I'm unsure of what else to write about myself besides it, since it did technically reoccur to me yesterday.

Throughout the past nine years, if my math is right, I have known this girl who I shall refer to as Kim, for personal reasons. We were the greatest of friends, since the second grade. When the end of the grade came about, we were split, and didn't see each other, though our memory of one another was still recent in our minds, or at least mine, in my case.

The third grade, I found another friend, another girl who will be referred to as Lili. We bonded just the same and through her I grew to love certain things like art. The following year was when everything changed.

Lili had left for a different school, and I hadn't seen Kim for a long time either, though apparently she was still at the same school as I was. In the middle of the year, I was accepted into a private school, an arts school. The fourth grade would have been a terrible transition for me, had I not found out that Lili was in the same class as I was.

We would be friends for this and the next year, with myself diving deep into the written arts in balance with Lili's art ones.

The sixth grade, and to my delight, Kim had joined in by the end of the previous. For those next three years, the three of us were the happiest we had ever been. I had everything I could have ever wanted. Companionship with two people I knew, an understanding relationship between people, a group of closeknit people my age, beyond these two girls. I couldn't have asked for more.

But the happiness faded.

After my years in middle school, as any American teen would understand, high school rolled around.

They have been, and I may one day say otherwise, the worst years I have ever been through. They were days where my social life had been all but forgotten in favor of my academics, something I took little effort in doing back in the old days, because it came so easily to me. I had attempted to fix it, by meeting up with Lili and Kim on Fridays after school and hanging out, talking about our interests, or... Theirs anyway.

You see, something happened without my knowledge for the longest time. The two of them, Kim and Lili, grew a bond, a relationship of romatic proportions that I could not comprehend for the longest time after Kim had told me in our second year of high school. But I saw it.

Looking back, I felt ashamed that I didn't realize it earlier. I blamed myself, called it my mistake, tried fixing it, doing anything and everything in my power to bring myself back into their light.

I was too late.

And I wallowed in self-loathing, pity, hate, spite, near frustration for the time until now, despising everything that came out of it, and I still have yet to get over something that meant so much to me. It left me crying for days, realizing how lonely it felt being like a third wheel to something I had no control over.

I couldn't change their minds. Especially from five, six, and now seven long years after putting them together in one room, introducing them to each other, molding our relationship into an established platonic understanding. I no longer knew these two, who I valued with everything I knew and loved. I was so well developed in an attachment to them, this blew my mind and shiveled up my heart.

It was something I had found no answer to, until I learned about my emotions. I learned, just like any other teen out there, that my emotions were complicated and existed and were hitting the point of change. I found out about my love and my envy and my anger and greed and all these other terrible things I knew little of and once shut out because I knew they were bad for me.

They took me over. I was jealous of Lili, because I was in love with Kim. I wanted something back, a relationship long gone and forgotten, and fought for days. I cried as well, fighting with even myself to try and fabricate a way to return to some form of happiness. I could never cope with something so akin to betrayal in my eyes.

Of course, I found other friends in high school. Kim couldn't see Lili throughout our school days, since Lili had gone to a different schoool entirely. I could have gone with her, maybe gone down a different path.

But I felt a twing of loyalty, a love for Kim I could never let go. I sacrificed a better education to be with Kim, though I would never admit it to her, because she never saw me in that light. I regret the decision now, knowing how things have gone to this moment.

My other friends would comfort the feelings I had gone through, though I had to work most of it out on my own. I lost the spark I once had for written work when I came to high school, and have long since been trying to get it back in whatever way possible.

I found respect and understanding online, though my longing for a personal touch is limited, sadly.

Since Kim's confession to the relationship, I have been searching for my own, and have found myself trapped even more by the desire. I never asked for much, though my findings have brought terrible people into light, leading to my abandoning their pitiful ways instantly.

My friends, the new ones, were all I had and now have left, and soon, things will end just as quickly as they begin, I fear. I have grown a sense of pessimism since those days, being unable to find true happiness anywhere.

I blamed myself for years, and only recently directed the cause to them, because I never thought to do so ever. I was far too loyal, and now too foolish to care about the consequences. I was already too far gone, and my true happiness was well worn into a blade I threatened to use on my own heart every night. It was painful at first, but I could no longer take the agony of loneliness and self-pity.

I wanted to be human again, to be happy again, to find meaning again in a place that had tired my heart and soul to its limits and blamed me time and time again for my low efforts, which I soon figured were untrue. I had to make a choice, and I made it, trying fruitlessly once again to get back into the partnership, last year on Halloween.

One of my newer friends invited me back to my old neighborhood where Kim and I used to go hunting for candy long into the cool autumn night. The sweets were splendorous, but the overall reward was only temporary. Kim had brought Lili along, which I had ever so predicted. However, Kim's other friends had soon found her on the streets of the community, and they were just as eager as I was to gain her attention.

Lili and I were left to the side then, meeting a few wandering strangers and cracking side jokes to one another, just like back in the old days. While it was all well and good, I noticed Lili's struggling. I knew for a fact that she didn't enjoy the chattering of the boys surrounding Kim, though we both knew for a fact their efforts were meaningless, I even more so.

I saw the opportunity, and commented to her on how it felt, being shoved to the side to be barely remembered. She looked to me with a confused yet hurt expression, before agreeing on just how terrible it felt. I would never know the effects of my words, and that was that.

But in trying to continue this relationship to see how it would probably work out, I realized nothing would change. I tried to change, and that never worked out. I tried making them understand, and the results were just the same. I knew I needed to confess my difficulties, show who I was, how I felt, and what I desired more than anything to return to our relationship.

After that Halloween, I began frequenting Kim with multiple notes on the subject, at first dancing around the subjects I wanted to fall into, until I finally broke the whole situation down. I decided to put the fate of our relationship in her hands. You see, I felt my efforts in bringing back what we had being a one-sided deal. I had done my hardest to do things she liked, while sacrificing my own interests in the process. I lost myself, I had realized, in trying to get back into the group.

So I gave her a choice. If she would put more effort of her own into what was left, maybe we could bring something out of it all. The most meaningful thing we had was platonic, so I ended it there, abandoning any and all romantic thoughts I could.

Through her final letters, I noted her own waltz around my questions. She avoided the efforts, and I knew what had happened. Kim had been through with me. I was trying to grab at the dust she had left behind trying to get back to her. I had given her a choice.

She never responded.

I never got to know what her true feelings were. Back in the fifth grade, if I had been told I would fall in love with her, I would have given a curious response, though would have likely questioned it little. I had given her a kiss on the cheek that year, which I equated to a fondness for her that I had yet to fathom would turn into something more, something inevitably worse.

My mother told me I grew too attached to those two. I would have eventually lost them, given every future circumstance, and even if they weren't together, the three of us would have eventually lost touch, knowing our previous situations. I had lost companionship far beyond what I would have ever expected, and my love had felt trampled over before it could live long. My envy would grow, and would die soon when all is said and done.

I have now lost faith in keeping connections. Everything keeps changing and I have lost so much early on that my trust in others had dwindled. My few new friends find my old personality surprising, when I tell them my story. I find myself weeping at night, when I reevaluate my situation. I've secluded myself, limited myself, to this far and few interactions. I have become something so filled with emotion, I am unsure if I am who I really am, and not a monster trapping an innocent creature that gets only moments of freedom a day.

I wore and limited myself, and this is how I ended up here. I'd cry and belittle myself, still sometimes blaming my heart for being cruel, my life for being ironic, my existence for being just entertainment for others. I can no longer see happiness, much less true love in my future.

Maybe I'm just young and pessimistic still, and still have a long road ahead of me, but my reaction to such a situation has left emotional scars I might never get rid of. Sure, there was never a battle to be won, lives truly lost, or a score to really be settled, but it was something that meant so much to me that I may never let it go until well into my late life, when I'm dead and can no longer feel remorse for my actions. When everything is over and I know everything yet nothing.

I should end this story here. I have nothing meaningful left to say about it. There is nothing left, since I never got an answer. It would be the worst finale to this tale, but I truly don't know how it ends myself. Maybe that's just life. Not knowing about the end until it happens, and never truly getting a chance to cope with it. But that's all I'm going to say.

Hopefully Nife can bring a better story to the table, whenever they feel like writing up something. But that's out of my control too, so I leave it at that.

He knows I'm writing this. He knows everything. This guy's way too smart and here I am, doing what he predicted I'd do. I'll be adding the two letters in. Nife's will be more of an entry than anything, and because it explains what happened to them, I'll include Robert's. He even knew I'd add it in and started translating a few bits of his letter for me. It's eerie, but helpful.

I hope things return to the awkward norm now that Nife's taken care of a few things. I don't really enjoy the concept of drama, especially when I feel at fault for most of it.

I mean, if it wasn't for me, Nife wouldn't have to be worried about Diane noticing their love. Diana wouldn't be so upset about this whole mess. I'm not going to stop, since that's out of my nature, but we've only just started and things are changing fast.

Maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself. I'll type up the translated letters, and I'll go about my day wondering if any of them are really okay, like Robert says.

It's weird though. Now that I know all these beings, Nife's life makes more sense. They're usually off doing something and they always said it was with someone, though they never said who. Nife's always been secretive of their personal life, and I've always been pushing to know a little more. It's mainly due to adding in this blog as a factor that I've been able to tip the scale and get more out of that tricky ink lizard.

I guess I'll thank you guys for that. It's always nice.

I haven't the slightest idea of what could possibly happen, but waking up at an early hour has left me completely out of it. I only woke up a few minutes ago, which is entirely out of character for me, since I usually have better sleep and less of a headache when I wake up a little after dawn.

Nife has yet to send anything other than their notes since yesterday, which worries me. I want to send a letter to them, but according to this note, I shouldn't, which leaves me conflicted.

You know, this note's handwriting looks nothing like Nife's. Even if it was theirs, why would I ever listen to it? I'm not taking no for anything! Danger or no danger, I'm writing something to them! I'm not going to sit around waiting for another letter when Nife's probably not responding because they're afraid Di's going to find out about their love.

If they're not brave enough to push through uncertainty, then I'm going to be the confident one.

I wonder if Robert can see this. Maybe he can get my letter.

I may have spawned a new plan. It's time for action! And maybe a nap afterwards, because I don't know if I'll be able to take another hour of restlessness.

It's outright astounding just how much Nife suddenly wants to say about their life. I'm learning just as much as you guys about these things they're doing now.

I mean, Nife and I have been sending letters to each other for almost a year now. Back and forth, and for all that time, I'm just now learning about this guy named Robert, who apparently already knows about me and who I am, what I do, and what I like. It's amazing.

He's prediction, the essence of what is to come. He knows any and all futures before the first decision is even made. All of them except his own, which is completely terrifying to me.

I asked to know more about Nife's other friends as well, because they rarely mention in their letters these people like Dylan or Tyranny.

When I get their next entry and letters, I'll hopefully get more information on these guys, because I want to make just as clear as to who they are to you guys as they will be to me. Besides, it's all so interesting.

From what I know beforehand, everyone on NIfe's planet is made of what we humans call Nouns. Everything that exists on our world exists there, except for specific places or people. Robert is Prediction, for example.

Another would be Felix, who is Sound, or more specifically, Music. He can create noises and follow a beat out of nowhere. He's a famous circus performer that travels the planet to sing and entertain the masses. He's literally a one man band, but he does duets with the others when they want to, and according to Nife, it's fun and never quiet around him. He always has a tune to let out, and it's never expected what he'll sing.

Maybe I'll leave these explanations for when I get more details. When I do, I'll bring them all together and post them up so you all can see.

If Nife ever sends me the letters.

Nife's not one for romance, but when they find it, they become the ridiculous romantic. I'd probably be that way too, but with less confusing metaphors and more cuddling.

Anyway, I've been trying to pinpoint the best way to explain myself like Nife does, with my life and all that, but honestly mine is a pretty basic one. I, like Nife, love writing, which is kind of why I made this blog. I wanted to show you guys just how strange our two lives could be, but in all honesty, mine's pretty dull compared to Nife's.

They're doing a lot of things often, and are usually very busy. Somehow they find time to write letters and journal entries and send them to me, and surprisingly two in this moment. I have all the time in the world, and look at what time I'm writing this. Absolutely terrible.

But I guess my world, our world, is not like Nife's. Maybe it's because time over there isn't like our time here. Maybe it's because time is actually a being over there, and not necessarily a concept.

It all goes back to experience too. Every special moment happens and is rewarded, from falling in love to writing and sending letters to making friends with someone who's entirely different from you, in Nife's case.

I might be running the show most of the time here, but they're experiencing the most out of the two of us. I just sit here playing video games and such until I get Nife's messages and find time to make my own, which I didn't get to until now.

I'm run on whatever motivation I happen to have, which I know a good amount of people do as well. Nife and their beings run on experience, which they obtain regularly and often enough that they're always doing something and getting rewarded with more of it. With humans, or more myself in this example, motivation isn't the reward for using motivation; it's a temporary drive in hopes of gaining a reward, which is not itself.

Maybe I'm getting too caught up in the comparisons and contrasting of our world versus theirs, but I just find that this unknown concept I've been given the freedom to show you all is much more fascinating than knowing that I've fallen in love, which evidently I haven't, at this moment.

It's the fact that Nife acted on the instinct and impulse of an experience and wrote the previous entries, experiencing, despite the risk of being known, embarrassed and maybe even forgotten afterward shows that maybe I'm not running like I could potentially be. I could be feeling happy for writing this, and in turn want to go on and do something similar, but the thing is I won't because I've done all I've wanted to; get an entry in and wait for Nife's tomorrow, or whenever their delay will end.

I might just be needy, and want my experiences to drive me to do more, and it may be possible, but overall I'm not that kind of person. I'm not Nife, nor do I live on the planet that allows such to occur naturally. I ironically have to motivate myself to roll with that concept for one day, and pray that the next turns out just like it, and that's even if my motivation strikes the right chords that I actually want. It's based off chance as well, and factors just shrink the chances of the right outcome. With Nife, the outcome is always what is desired, because the overall drive is literally it's own reward.

And maybe I should shut up about all this. This was pretty boring.

I have to say though, a lot of Nife's planet is still weird to me. I haven't been able to translate the name, but it starts with a Tr and ends with a C, as far as I know.

I'm deeply fascinated by the way jobs work there compared to us humans. They don't have money, so to speak, but work for something that closely translates to experience, though not in the way we think. I at first thought it meant work for nothing, but it doesn't.

It means so much more.

Experience from what I've come to figure out, is an extremely valuable reward that comes and is measured from within a being. There is no mathmatical way of measuring it, but rather it's based off instinct and the soul. There's no physical form to it; it just happens and happens to be there, and works. Nife's planet makes everything everyone does selfless but rewarding at the same time. There's no need for physical things that have little value, because the work makes the reward.

It's literally baking your cake, having it, and eating it too. And that works in every way possible. Knowing that someone out there benifits from the right is what they believe, and that's the work ethic.

And honestly, I really wish I could live there. To just be happy doing something and knowing its right, and it is, brings a smile to my face.