#finding normal

2/26/2020

Alex learns to navigate a new normal. They all do.

Ruby adjusts the most readily. Normal for her comes in the form of comfortable couches and her own bed with her parents all under one roof.

For the rest of them, though, Lena's recovery comes with a heavy dose of avoidance and tiptoeing. Lena sleeps alone in her bedroom, while Alex and Sam share the couch until the office can get converted into a temporary bedroom.

They still don't speak of the things they need to say, and focus instead on getting Lena back to 100%. Rehab and check ups and fittings for proesthesis... despite being discharged, Lena still spends more time at the hospital than she does at home.

For Lena, though, normal comes with a visit from Bridget, and a weekend-long binge of their favorite baking show, with Ruby on one side and Bridget on the other. It's delivery from their favorite thai fusion restaurant, and soft sweaters that hide her scars and keep her warm.

Sam and Alex drift along between them, clinging to the quiet moments. The closest Alex comes to normal is when Kara comes to visit. Usually, they go out, to the park or a diner or anywhere that isn't where Lena is.

But there are times when Kara does come in, when she meets Lena's gaze, and gets a silent nod in greeting. Sometimes, that's all Lena will give her. For now, it's enough.

It's during one of these visits, in Lena's apartment, that Alex can almost pretend nothing has changed. Sam ropes them all into a board game, and the spirit of competition has Ruby and Lena crowing, and the room fills with laughter, until there's no space for the heavy tension that lurks behind it all.

When Ruby calls a detente for a bathroom break, Sam rises too. "I'll grab us some snacks."

Lena leans back into the couch cushions, her smile lingering. Alex aches to stay, to savor the sight of it, but she follows her instincts to let Lena's happiness linger with Kara alone.

Maybe, just maybe, something will come of it.

Alex joins Sam in the kitchen, and pretends not to hear the conversation the sprouts in her wake.

"Thank you," Kara's voice floats, disembodied and quiet.

There's a rustle as Lena shifts on the couch. "What for?"

Alex can hear Kara's discomfort in the beat of silence that follows. Lena hasn't protested Kara's visits, but she hasn't warmed to them either. The two former friends exist in a tenuous state of tolerance, neither willing to move any closer.

"For not making Alex choose," Kara says finally, so faintly Alex almost misses it.

A chill fills the silence that follows.

"You still don't get it, do you?"

Familiar guilt piles on Alex's shoulders. Only Sam's hand on hers keeps her breathing.

"Why on Earth would I ask her to choose," Lena delivers, "when I know her choice will always be you?"

----

After Kara leaves, Lena grows quiet. Alex gives her space, and Sam gives her time.

With Lena's pain controlled, and her mobility restored, they're edging closer to a new threshold: what will Lena do with them, now that she longer needs them?

The answer comes late one night, after Ruby's gone to bed and Alex and Sam are reading in bed in the guestroom. Lena doesn't speak when she appears in their doorway-- Alex simply glances up to find her standing there, as though materialized from nothing.

"What's wrong?"

Sam looks up, startled, and immediately sets her book aside. "Lena?"

Lena keeps her gaze fixed to the ground. Her arm is tucked around her, in the way Alex has come to recognize as discomfort. With half an arm missing, Lena has nothing to cross, but her fingers still grip her bicep tightly.

"I don't need you anymore," Lena says, her voice tight.

Alex holds her breath, heart thudding painfully against her ribs. Sam's hand grips hers against the covers.

"But I want you to stay."

Sam gasps silently, her grip tightening. Alex freezes, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"I don't know if we can go back to what we had,  or if we can move past what happened, but... I want to try."

The tension bleeds from Alex in a rush. She feels boneless in its wake, as though she might float off the bed if Sam's hand weren't tethering her in place.

Finally, Lena's gaze lifts to meet theirs. Her lips pull against the tears that threaten, glinting in her eyes.

I’ve found a solution to late night panicking about going bald, probably works for other irrational insecurities too.