#finding kate

Still on the track of the mystery .....

Impressions from White Collar, Episode 1

We walked Tucker and talked for an hour. We talked about life, about work, about old friends and mutual friends. We talked about politics. It wasn’t until I got into my car that I realized how truly painful of an experience it was. To go from having this person in my life for every single thing that happened from when I was 17 to 28, to... whatever this is now? Is very hard in ways that are hard to explain.

I want so much for us to be friends. He was part of my life, the closest human person to me, for nearly half of my life. In the months following us separating, it was obviously too soon to try. Even a year later, it still felt way too soon. Now? I think this can be a start. We didn’t work romantically. But we shared so much for such a long time that I cannot imagine him having no part in my life at all. I don’t want that for us.

Me & Bobbi went stand up paddleboarding today on the lake and it was incredible. You can’t really tell from the photos (and I didn’t take my phone all the way out with me) but you can see the mountains for miles when you’re out on the lake: snow-capped peaks as far as the eye can see. There weren’t very many people out even though the weather was perfect, so it was very calm and tranquil.

I’ve gone stand up paddleboarding before but mainly in Ocean City, Maryland where the water on the bay is choppy and there are boats everywhere and very narrow channels to navigate, and although that’s fun for different reasons, being out on a still lake was a completely different experience and it was amazing. It was Bobbi’s first time too, and she loved it. She got a state parks pass today as an extension of mine (because we live together) for half price, so I could definitely see us going back and doing it again, or definitely kayaking.

Grad school has been so overwhelming. I thought to myself: oh, summer semester will be easy. I did two semesters of grad school while full time teaching so with nothing else to do, it’ll be a breeze. That might have been true if they weren’t regular 16 week courses condensed into a 4 and 8 week course instead. I’m doing the work I’d do in an entire week in half a week or two days and it’s a lot, and I have to remember to try to make time for myself too. And even when it feels like I’m drowning, I have my partner in crime/best friend doing it with me to commiserate and try on pants at Old Navy with and to complain about scholarly articles that make absolutely no sense with. Just that feeling and reminder that someone else gets it is what I need.

Going from working a job where I am around people: small people and adult people, all day long every day, to an empty house (my roommate has been back home for almost two weeks) far away from everything and everyone feels lonely and isolated. It’s a difficult adjustment. It’s been a rough couple of weeks since work ended and grad school started again and then Father’s Day came around the corner seemingly out of nowhere like it does every year, but it’s important to remember that although I may not see them every day that I have people who love me that I can call on when I need them. People who will just be there for me. I have a boyfriend who understands what Father’s Day feels like more than anyone else in the world and who will make popcorn and eat ice cream and watch Queer Eye with me and be there as I take my frustrations out in the gym and just be there for me in ways that no one else understands or can.