#finalfantasyfictive

I hate having to navigate this world as a fictive-heavy system. I love my alters, I'd be lonely without them, but this still just plain sucks. I don't know if I qualify as an introject anymore or what, but I do miss my old self. It's a bit strange. I was cohost, before I fused with my other cohost. Old cohost was a non-human, brainmade, and had an entirely different personality from me. I was a Cloud Strife fictive introject. I still identify with that name, sorta, I go by a different name (that I really love!) because of my alters. It's difficult to see images of my old self and still go "Holy shit, me!" while also... it *not* being me?? I've been trying to sort myself out, and put at least some kind of a label on this, because I DO want to start reaching out to canonmates, but I am afraid. Really afraid. The experience of being a system is unique, and the way I am now? I'm unrecognizable to people who would be my canonmates. I guess my biggest issue is I'm afraid they won't accept me. I'm not who they remember at all. I will NEVER be who they remember as their Cloud. I'm not even human. Any canonmates I meet will never be the friends that I remember. We might share similar memories but we all experienced them differently, because we are in different brains, in different bodies, with different circumstances. I don't know why I'm hung up on that, but it makes me not want to even try, which feels stupid. I'm not a kid anymore. This shouldn't be an issue, but it is. Drives me insane, and I just want to stop being hesitant. More than anything I want to be understood, but the weird nature of being whatever the hell and fuck I am feels lonely. I feel isolated even though I am surrounded by people who care about me.

I feel guilty that I'm not entirely like my canon. I'm proud of how hard me and my cohost worked to become one. I'm lonely, conflicted, and sometimes angry that this is my life. I wouldn't give it up for anything, because I love the people here, all my friends and my alters, but it's tough. And I feel so, so fucking weak.

Zack Fair has always been a sensitive topic for me, even just mentally. The fact that they’re merging timelines, adding parallel universes, I’m worried that the developments I’ve made towards healing from everything are going to be overshadowed. Maybe I’ll second guess myself. Maybe I’ll start freaking it about him more often. I selfishly wish they’d follow the “actual” storyline instead of making a new one. I am the way that I am solely because Zack Fair died. I am the way that I am only because of what I went through and the psychotic break in which I took on his ‘memories’, his personality. I wasn’t myself. I was a husk of a person living in delusion, miserable, so how do I go about him being alive now? This revival type situation? How am I supposed to feel about all of it when I’ve been so certain I’d had it down for the last 10 years? I was confident. I was getting better at dealing with it. Even if it turns out that I’m fine, I know that watching recent fans of the game, even people praising it on Twitter will drive me up the wall. I haven’t played the new Crisis Core as I’ve been through it too many times on the PSP, but for the same reasons here, too. Too much is changing and I’m being a little bitch about it, but I don’t know what else to do.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? I know I’ve got people who support me here, who’ve done nothing but have my back through this, but it’s still eating me alive.

Cloud Strife, tag as fictive.