#fightingmyself

I’m insecure. Insecure about my weight, my arms, my thighs, my legs, my stomach, my nose, my boobs, my chin, my bum, my nails, my feet, my back. 

I’m insecure. Insecure about my personality, my attitude, my way of living, my success, my grades, my future, my goals, my plans, my future family.

I’m insecure. Insecure about my boyfriend leaving me, my family giving up on me, my friends forgetting me.

I’m insecure. Insecure about everything. 

Do you know the feeling when you want something? For example, something sweet, a cigarette, sleeping, etc. 

Do you know the feeling when you want something but shouldn’t have it right now? Like wanting something sweet when you’re on a diet, wanting a cigarette when you’re in a meeting or in a test or wanting to sleep when you have a bunch of shit to do. 

Wanting something doesn’t always mean you’re meant to have it at the same time you want it. That’s when pushing back your urges come in. 

Personally I don’t push back my urges, which is bad. See, if I’m hungry in the middle of the night, I’m not going to hold myself back, actually I’ll go make myself something to eat, even though I know it’s bad for my health and my weight, but I’ll do it anyways. Same for everything I want, and usually what I want is bad for my health. If it’s a glass of Coke, a cigarette, something in a store etc. 

Today’s the day I’ll slowly start depriving myself from things I don’t deserve. I haven’t worked out in like a year so why the fuck should I treat myself? Because I folded my fucking laundry? No way, these are things I should be doing, that’s not something I should be proud of. Let’s say I spend days and really spend days studying and get 100% on my final exam, after long days of studying, that’s when I’m allowed to treat myself, with a drink maybe, or a chocolate or a candy bar, but not because I folded my laundry or washed the dishes. 

I’m going to start treating myself like a dog. The same way you treat them when they listen to you? I’m going to be treating myself after i achieve a big goal of mine, not an everyday thing. And it’s not about snacks, it can be buying myself a nice dress or nice shoes, or a massage or a day at the beach or anything I might enjoy. 

Your urges may be one of your biggest enemies, unless your urges are essential to your well being, which even in that case can be bad. 

So now, when I’ll want something out of the blue, I’ll think 3 times before having it, and trust me when I say this, I hope I don’t give in.