#fetoscope

Unless there becomes reason or concern for my baby, i will not be receiving an ultrasound until the morphology scan at 18-20 weeks.

Keep in mind that many of us, when in utero, received no scans whatsoever. I know my mum never had one with me. I understand this could be surprising to a lot of you, because ultrasound has become SO routine, especially since the 90's. I read of women on here receiving as many as 10 or more ultrasounds in one (healthy) pregnancy.

The main thing they test for at 12 weeks is down syndrome. I think if my results came back as having a higher chance of my baby having down sydrome, i would continue to wait weeks, see what further testing they could provide me, and decide what to do from there. I don't have a massive amount of faith in the accuracy that the 12 weeks ultrasound can provide me. No doubt it has helped many people in the past, but this test is just not for me. At this stage, i am also considering refusing the use of dopplers. The radiation from dopplers is actually worse than that of the ultrasounds, but can be seen as less damaging because they aren't used for as long. Instead, i hope to find a midwife who uses a fetoscope!

I do wish to have the morphology scan, though. I plan on this being the only ultrasound i will receive and i see this scan as being a lot more helpful than the 12 week.

In my last pregnancy, i began to feel fetal movement in the early days of 16 weeks. I know this pregnancy will probably be the same. I have a feeling i might feel the baby even a little sooner than that. I have faith in my body and trust that i will be able to tell if something is "wrong" before the 18 week scan.

Slept in a room of spirits.

Falling asleep to the reflection of firsts this room has encountered.First;breaths, eyecontact,skintouchingskin,latch of lips to breast. First time mothers meeting their babies for the first time.

This room has been the meeting grounds for so many new lives. So many lives to come.

I pondered the souls that reside in this room, those that protect the coming of new beings.

Tossed and turned dreams of an energy that could be only understood if you can understand birth. Meaning an energy that is not of this world. One we only understood while experiencing the outside world for the first time. The world outside the womb.

I awoke to tears of a baby.Fresh shrieks.Glowing grandmothers standing in kitchen heating soup for their daughter-the mother of their first born grandchild.

Groundings are needed after too many days of being high.

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the reality that I will never know what the future holds. By the fact that I do not know everything I want to know, nothing close to what I need to know.Never will. As soon as I think I understand- the Spanish on my tongue fetoscope in hand. As soon as I think I understand- reasons for growth and pain, reasons for time that actually doesn't exist an entity that allows to much or not enough. I slip. Humility oh dear shameful friend I hope to never lose.

I had my second cita today with my first on-call client.

Her eyes smile in a secret way, more beautiful than words can give.

She tells me she whispers prayers to her baby everytime she feels a movement.

Full time student. Full time job. Three hours of sleep, and waiting in line for two hours to cross the bridge, cross the border, to sit here with me.

With faulty Spanish on my tongue, sleepy tears in my eyes, and the strength of a mother in front of me I realize I do not now nor will ever begin to comprehend the power, the magic, the wonder of a being growing within a being.

I have so much to learn. There is so much I will never know.