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i‘ve been having dreams about him again. idk where this is coming from, probably deep from my subconscious or sth, because i‘ve long cut my losses and written him off. but then i dream about him. in the one last night i would even say i was semi-lucid. i kept asking myself, is this real? this couldn‘t possibly be real, while he held my hand and kissed my forehead. a war in my (delusional) brain lol 😭
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Lately, I've been struggling with self-rejection, or rather with becoming aware of my self-rejection behaviour. It's the little ways in which I have to actively force myself to do things that are good for me or take advantages of chances given to me or keep myself from self-sabotaging.
I feel like I don't deserve good things and even when I'm getting good things, I reject or ignore them.
We always talk about damage caused by things that happen to us.
But what of the damage caused by the things that were denied us or that we denied ourselves? Damage caused by things that should happen, but did not.
being limerent is one of the worst parts of my avpd. like, on a logical level i know that my high school crush has long forgotten about me, but i still pine for him like i'm still 17. like a part of me is still stuck at that moment in time.
you know what is funny, i went to my laundry and there was an advert (poster) hung up with him on it. i wish i were kidding, the first time i saw it i thought i was having a mental breakdown. but he is involved in some local creative field, so there he was beaming down at me from the poster like some cruel joke. and due to covid the poster stayed up for literally 2 or so years.
anyway, avpd gave me brain damage, it really did.
i know this is tmi, but when i'm ovulating every man looks like a snack, yes including the old ones. it's horribly nice.
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i dreamt of my crush last night. that hasn’t happened in a very long time, many years. the fact that this perfect memory of him is stored away in my brain like that is terrifying. i wish i could forget about him properly.
i feel like such a creep even remembering him after such a long time. at the same time i‘m also trying not to feel shame, because even though i was never able to reciprocate his feelings for me, my feelings for him at the time were honest and pure. what can i say.
Maybe certain kinds of pain, at certain formative stages in life, just impress themselves into a person's sense of self permanently. Like the way I didn’t lose my virginity until I was twenty, and it was painful and awkward and bad. And since then I’ve always felt like exactly the kind of person that would happen to.
Beautiful World, Where Are You | Sally Rooney
i’m so hungry for love, but even if someone were to set a plate in front of me i wouldn’t even touch it.
i feel like the dumbest person on earth.
