I awoke this morning thinking of old friends back in my home-country, and as I type those words I can’t help but to feel completely disconnected from them. It’s not my home, and it’s not really my country anymore, but it is the place where I was born and the place that watched me grow until I became a teenager.
It’s bittersweet looking back, but this morning the bitter surpassed the sweet. I started thinking about the people I barely still talk to from there, and also the people who I won’t ever talk to again. It gave me an opportunity to reconsider this memory, and like I always tell my students in class, an opportunity to revisit it with wiser eyes. To look at it in a way that takes away the victimhood that I rejoiced in hiding under at the time, a negative feeling that eventually becomes part of the story of who you are, the story you tell yourself and others that describes the reason you act and feel how you do in the present.
We all make mistakes when we’re young, (when we’re old too, but we tend to feel more embarrassment when we’re young because we believed we were supposed to know how to act in situations that had never happened to us before.) At the time, I knew I was looking for a place to belong to, and I couldn’t seem to feel comfortable no matter where I looked. It seemed as though I should have been working on this from the inside instead of the outside, although the outside changes (moving to the USA) sure as hell did help. I kept looking for a change of scenery leaving behind situations that no longer served me. At the time I felt little guilt, for I was young and focused on myself. But now as I look back, I can’t help but to pay attention to the people I probably must have hurt with my own actions and my own search for emotional survival. Right as I think about this concept, I remember we all are responsible for our own feelings, and those people who hid their insecurity placing the fault of their pain under my own actions, hopefully have had an opportunity to learn from their own behavior as well.
In our search for friendship and companionship, we grow attached and at times we will act in ways that hurt others because we’re afraid of losing that bond. The tighter we grip something, the more it will seem to us that we’ll completely lose this grip the moment we slightly let go to focus even a little bit on ourselves. We might feel betrayed if this person even attempts to do the same. This is only our fear talking. Whenever fear makes you feel that you’ll be abandoned if you don’t completely devote all your attention to someone else, remember to give yourself the space you deserve, don’t think that the space will only benefit them and leave you hanging. Think that if you take this opportunity to pay attention to your own needs, you will be able to fulfill them and come back to your relationships recharged and ready to love bigger and better, more conscious of your actions, and more conscious of what you want out of this relationship. Taking a moment to consider this question is an important step towards manifesting your true self in the present.
Take a moment to ask these to yourself next time you’re connected with your intuition:
• What type of relationship do I want to have with my family?
• What type of relationship do I want with a best friend?
• What type of relationship do I want to have with a partner? And so on.
• Considering my personality, do I consider myself able to play my part to make these relationships a reality?
• If I don’t feel I can do my part, do feel comfortable enough to accept myself anyway with love and compassion?
