#feelinginsecure

It's been long since I had a post. So, let me talk about Dating and Relationship as I'm currently some sort of dating? I'm not sure either I'm dating with this guy or am I just having a thing with him. Maybe I should say, getting to know with this guy?

So, I met this guy at an Online Dating. We talked and it seem to be that we clicked, like legit! Clicked! It's like the more I chatted with him, the more I think he suits me well. Let me be honest for a bit. I've been single for almost 9 to 10 years. So, my dating skills are quite bad actually but whenever I chatted with him, it seems to be that we do get along very well. Every single day and night, we chatted and the very first day when we chatted, I almost slept for 3 hours because I don't want him to leave. Suddenly, he asked for meetup and that period of time, we just chatted for 2 days.

I had a long thought whether should I really meet him or should I just wait for a while more. I don't want him to feel awkward with me cause it's been long since I met someone and that is why, I gave him an option to choose and he said, "let's meet". So, I met him after I send stocks to other store. While waiting for him, I had a lot of thinking like, "what if he doesn't like me?","what if he had a 2nd thought of me?" and the questions kept on going and going. Suddenly, a text came in and he said, "I'll be reaching soon" and SHIT! THIS GIRL PANICKED LIKE HELL! But I acted normal. The time comes when I saw his car. I went in and poof! We talked non stop. I mean I felt like I'm the one who kept on talking because I don't want us to feel awkward.

He drove us to a park which I suggested since it's near for him to send me home. When he parked his car and stopped the engine, that is when my mind said this, "oh shit Linda! Here's the real talk." Like legit! It really came into my mind. He asked me a lot of questions which I don't mind answering it except this question and that is, "why don't you date?". And this girl panicked for her 3rd time. Like shit! I don't know what to say to him. I just sat there, shut my mouth and kept on thinking what's a good reason to tell him. To be honest, I don't mind dating but I'm scared of one thing and that's commitment. I'm scared I don't have time for my partner. I'm scared that I don't have time for him. I'm scared when he needs me, I will be busy with my own stuffs. So, I just told him that I'm scared of dating and he was like, nodding his head and I'm not sure whether he knew what I meant or what. I do explained to him why I'm scared of dating. He agrees with me and the next question which I panicked for the 4th time was, "what's your ideal type of guy?". And guess what this girl did? I just sat there, smiled to him while thinking of all my Korean Bias. Like legit! Daehyun, Namjoon and Jin came into my mind and I told him, "my ideal type is, understanding, being there for me, can make me laugh with his silliness". When I thought back, I was like, "what the heck Linda!". But the next thing he said was, "I'm pretty sure I can do that.”

So, we talked and talked till he send me home. At night, we continue talking and that was when I did a wrong thing. I made him angry and the next morning, I didn't text him because I wanted him to cool down. A part of me, I wanted to say sorry, which I did actually. I told him, "if I ever made you angry or what, I'm sorry" and this is so rare because I seldom said sorry to a guy. He said sorry too and we went back to normal.

So, here's the thing. Feeling insecure. He worked as a driver and he needs to work for almost 10 to 11 hours and he seldom text me because I told him not to. I mean texting while driving is quite dangerous. I'm not sure why but I'm feeling insecure right now. Like I spammed him with messages and the only reply I got was, "ok" and that is why, I'm feeling insecure right now. I kept on thinking a lot of things. "What if he had someone else behind my back?", "what if he met someone else?", "what if there's another girl than me?". I mean you know how girls thinking right? And this girl, right here, really thinks a lot. And that's why I'm scared of dating and being in relationship. I'm not saying I love him but I do had feelings for him. He's a nice guy and he's quite understanding.

I tried to let go all these negative thoughts but this girl can't. I even tried to think positive. I kept on saying, "he needs to work and that is why he can't reply you back". But why do I kept on thinking negative thoughts?!

Linda, you need to learn how to stay positive and stopped thinking negative!