#feeling dump

My grandmother's friend brought us some cookies. I told her I invited my mom to Christmas tomorrow but I wasn't sure if she was going to come because of the roads but that I was use to that; ie: my mom not being there.

And this friend starts talking about how it's Christmas and I should forgive my mom and everything.

And I was polite and just nodded but now that she's gone, I am losing it.

I am so hurt and angry.

She has no idea what my mom has done to me. Or how my mom is NEVER there when I need her.

When my grandfather was sick in the hospital, I broke down and called her and I told her I needed my mom. I needed her to be there for me cause I had no clue what the fuck to do. AND IT WAS HER FATHER IN THE HOSPITAL.

Did she come? No.

I had to deal with everything. I was there alone with my grandfather when he did. I told my mom to come but she apparently thought it was more important to drive my brother around the city that day.

And now, this first Christmas without my grandfather, I'm being told to just forgive her. And to love her.

And honestly, yeah, she gave me life but that's where it begins and ends.

She never raised me. She never nurtured me. She never loved me the way I needed to be loved. She only loved me/wanted me when it convenient to her.

So no, I can't just forgive her. I'm still too raw and hurt by her latest rejection and brush off of my needs and feelings.

I only invited her for my grandmother. I have learned to live without her in my life. And the last thing I need is to reach out to her again only to be shoved aside.

I may not respond in depth to them but they will be deeply appreciated.

i love your personality that shines brighter than the sun, you’re simultaneously so smart and so silly, a perfect balance that makes you so charming. the love in your heart shows through constantly. you’re so interesting to learn about. i’ll never get tired of hearing about you. or looking at you. or touching you.

i can vividly remember you asking me who my best friend was, i said that i didn't know. i dont think im able to answer that because different people hold the keys to different parts of my personality. some hold the keys to my heart, some hold the keys to my smile, some hold the keys to my past, some my rawest vulnerability and feelings, some my sin.

so i cant truly explain or state who my best friend is, as different people hold keys to unlock certain parts of me. i could see how much that i hurt you in that moment, i really wish i could take back my words but since i can't i figured it only right to explain myself and my thoughts. some people that may not seem "the closet" to me, may hold some of the "most important" keys, and those who seem the closet to me may not have every key, to unlock every day.

after all, how can they? it's not a failure if someone doesn't have every key to every door, it's okay if someone doesn't have any keys, and it's okay if those closet to us don't have every key. the million-doored mansion that makes up my personality, as you so eloquently put it wont be able to overlap perfectly with anyone, and that's okay.

but i will say this, you hold a single key ring on your hip with lots of keys, clinking together.