#feeeel

I want to hate you half as much as

As I hate my

SELF

Leaning against the wall, the memories came flooding back. He remembered himself, at nine-years-old, sneaking into a building where he hoped he would find food. It was then he bumped into someone, scared out of his mind. Sano knew he wasn’t supposed to be here, and it was in that moment, he chose to run. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, he didn’t get far without being caught by the man. Sano could still remember the feeling of the large hand on his collar, the sparkling emerald eyes. Then, he received his first nickname.

Sanorat.

He never cared too much for the name, but now, he felt a stabbing pain in his heart, knowing he would never hear it again. Sano remembered the man taking him to a restaurant, giving him food. He remembered explaining about how he was with the Sekihotai to him, and then, received a surprise. The man was Shinsengumi. A captain, no less. But, instead of the evil figures he had pictured, this man was kind. He taught Sano to write the kanji for evil, a kanji he had come to memorize and wear on his back at all times.

The former fighter felt his knees starting to shake, and slowly, the weight of the news was too heavy for him to stand.

The man’s mind went back again, to a moonlit night, when he felt death would greet him. An Imperialist knocked over the barrel Sano had been sleeping in, causing him to come out and face a battle he wasn’t prepared for. Sano had grabbed a sword, fighting for his life, until a man in blue saved him. Souji. The same captain from before. Another Imperialist came, and easily, Souji made sure the two of them would have to retreat. It was at that time, though he hadn’t seen Souji fight all out, he knew this man was strong, and that he had a deep respect for him.

Then, he remembered the time he was sick in the rain. Trying to sleep, he felt a tap on his shoulder, the voice of a kind man. There, again, was Souji. He brought Sano back to the Shinsengumi head quarters, gave him food, warm, dry clothes, and a makeshift bed to sleep in. It was because of this he was able to get better with time, but he never forgot his kindness.

Now, he was fully relying on the wall to keep himself from falling over,  but as each memory came to him, the feeling of grief hit him even more.

Sano remembered, not too recently, he had been on a bridge in Tokyo when he passed by a familiar man. It was to his surprise and delight to see Souji again, and to hear the nickname ‘Sanorat’ once more. After that, the memories were peaceful. Sano wanted to be around the older man again, reminisce, and create new memories. He would never forget his wedding reception, and his surprise to see Souji there to celebrate Sano and Megumi’s good fortune.

Then, Souji had gone away. Sano wasn’t too sure why, or what had happened. It was during this time he felt as though Souji would have been sick, or worse, dead. But, since he hadn’t heard news of his passing, he kept hope.

Now, there was none. The letter was proof of Souji being gone.

Sano sank onto the floor. He felt paralyzed, unable to breathe properly. This man, the one he’s known for years, was truly gone. The man he respected, the man he fondly called brother. The one who was always able to make him smile, the one who stayed by his side and accepted him drinking the Ochimizu. The one that could make him forget about his problems, at least a little. The one that had told him time and time again he was proud of what Sano had become.

“Souji nii-san…” he murmurs.

The shaking hand took the letter into a tight fist, the sound of crumpling paper echoing in the otherwise quiet room. For the second time in his life, he lost someone he admired. And the grief wasn’t easier to take. Alone in the room, unable to get away from his memories, silent tears began to stream down his face as grief began to consume him.

He couldn’t forget those emerald eyes. The way that, even though Sano grew a few inches taller than him, Souji still seemed tall to him. He couldn’t get it out of his head his soft smile, the one beaming with pride. Nor could he forget the weight of his hand on Sano’s shoulder every time he patted it. Sano wasn’t able to ignore the way he acted like a kid every time they ate his favorite treat, dango. His mind was torturing him with images he would never see again, and each and every thing made his silent sobs become more vocal. One thought played in his mind, over and over in his head.

I lost my brother.

Sano knew he would have to prepare for a trip to Kyoto. Attend the funeral. But now, he couldn’t focus on that. For now, he cried like he cried when he was a child. It was all he could do.

If not, he would break completely.

Camila was nervous. After meeting Thalia and finding out her and Alex had gotten drinks and she never knew about it, and then Alex getting upset while Camila was joking with him via text message, a fear that Alex was going to leave her grew. What if he was going to leave her for Thalia? Or anyone? Camila's heart sank in her chest as she stands outside Alex's hotel room door. She couldn't handle him leaving. He was all she had, and all she was convinced she needed. What was she supposed to do without him? Nothing. She couldn't do anything without him. Trying not to cry from simply the idea of Alex ending things with her, Camila knocks weakly on Alex's door, eyes cast down as she waits for him to answer.