#fedorapervert

after only reading laito’s route (fedora man revisit coming soon, fret not), i returned to this le atrocity for my die-hard subabuba. the only positive? he isn’t the clingy df boyfriend. everything else is a brain-burnt disaster of meandering plot threads (yet i continued to consume this cancer that dares call itself readable). rejet, my bad for expecting you not to stoop lower than df

first, we start with car man being understandably hella unhappy that he inherited daddy ketchup’s powers, given the whole christa thing. we never get an explanation why yezus karl chose subaru over the triplets, especially since mom of the year’s vibora blood is actually running in their veins. instead, we get treated to a charming scene of subaru choking yui. but don’t worry! he kissed her neck and said sorry, so it’s better now, right? obvi duh

we get a lot of these scenes because the writers can’t be bothered clarifying the main story-thread (apparently there is one). he tries to cheer up yui by biting her out of nowhere—nothing gets yui hotter than being abused, i guess—but it’s cute because he wuvs her, okay????? honestly, i’d believe a toddler wrote this hot garbage, but no, actual adults were paid for this. ¯\(ツ)/¯

it gets worse. christa died because—get this—she was super duper sad that her rapist didn’t return her feelings of love. ಠ_ಠ subaru is torn up about it for exactly one scene. later, we’re told subaru made her life worth living because he’s "secretly gentle”. guess christa lost her cray-cray from being raped and subaru being the constant reminder of that. fml

on that note, boy do the writers love to remind you that subaru is the most kindest goodiest boi (not so secret, if you ask me). why show character development when you can just have characters say it every other line? subaru comes off as a corny emo, constantly disparaging himself for needing help to be vampire king. bro… what king kings the kingdom by himself? legit just an excuse for yui to be his cheerleader and get more heinously written bite/kiss scenes. gurl has no role in this route other than to somehow advertise this game as an otome and prove that subaru can be seduced just by staring into his eyes too long or breathing too cutely in his presence lmao

and no, the fact that she’s eve or has cordelia’s heart plays exactly the role you think it does: zip, zilch, nothing. i’m destitute. also, if you think i’m going to talk about the mukamis, you're mistaken. they are guest stars. in other words: negligible

that being said, i’m forced to address what poor excuse of a main story exists. with karlheinz gone poof, the demon world is hungry to take the throne. so he teams up with the tsuck brahs (who luckily are not glazing up ham like they owe rent in this route) because carla, mousier gramps—in an admittedly sorta sweet way—wants to look out for shin like subaru’s family looks out for him. the sakamakis are in full gear supporting subaru with zero hitches. it’s suspiciously buddy-buddy and not compelling at all given that subaru was traditionally the black sheep. it would've made more sense for them to be reluctant to support him but (somehow) come together in the end, but alas

and get this. kino’s motivation to kill all vamps in this route is bc subaru is surrounded by people who love him. this poor ayato-reject is a loser in all respects, including love—except for his doomed yaoi butler yuuri, who i swear i’ve seen stepped-on worms treated with more regard (justice for the ghoul butler in the chat stat). it does not get any deeper than this (lamentably) and i just about died laughing reading this shit

but that doesn’t stop subaru from trusting sir shifty eyes over here with yui in some earth-shattering moment of stupidity to protect her from the war and having to choose between her dad (who, if you can fuckin’ believe, she’s torn up about—even though this man just left her to rot with abusive diatwinks-r-us) and subaru…. instead of just, oh idk, ordering everyone not to kill her dad? which hilariously enough he does at the end (like bro, are you fr????). love me some unnecessary conflicts in the third act!

oh that’s right, i forgot to mention. the church makes a random appearance (unlike in laito’s route) bc they also want to rule the demon world for… reasons? idk man

but let me not distract you from the most criminal thing rejet has attempted to date: trying to make karlheinz (fucktard sperm donor of the year) sympathetic. why? just why? let the man be a stinky ass hoe plz (for those curious, hating on this man is my first favourite free hobby). he had to abandon all his sons/wives bc otherwise eden would fall, but the random-as-hell crying sounds in eden are basically bc he wants to be a good dad. excusi?? the audacity. rejet’s cojones on this one. lemme wipe my non-existent tears real quick

worse, subaru—karl hater central—is like ‘poor dad’. bro raped your mom???? wtf

all of this comes to a head in the endings (i.e., the matching moldy cherries for this expired grocery store cake):

vamp end: very blah. kino dies, seiji doesn’t, suckamakis win and everyone, even the tsuck brahs, love on subaru while they figure out how to stabilize eden without subaru having to leave everyone. also carla is cured from endezit bc magic pixie eden dust. yippie in disney. i feel the joy of a dead fish knowing this

manservant end: subaru asks yui to stab him (bc ofc he does) so he doesn’t have to deal with daddy’s precious gift and kino can go poof from inheriting his power (as opposed to literally any of his other brothers???). then yui kills herself! sweet!

brute end: the iconic wtf ending where everyone dies pretty much. subaru’s powers get tossed to the wind. then, seiji and yui get married :))))))))))) (yes, you read that right. believe me, no one is sorrier than me for having read it)

help

p.s. gramps was hilarious for popping this one-liner after slaying on the battlefield (despite being terminally ill, mind you. don't let being near death stop you from shining, i guess):