Well, I can't remember what made me happy in February... so I'll just look at the last month.

Going to Banff (yes M was there)

Being able to work from home and not losing my job at this time

Given permission to relocate to a safe home for now.

Being driven here by M.

Spending time with my friend N who has more compassion and humor in her pinky than most do in their whole lives. Also crazy smart.

Being around natural light.

My cat Lady Vayda

Heat

Pretty snowstorms (2 of them since I got here) when I don't have to be out in it.

D and C this couple whom have completely adopted me and love me just the way I am and check in with me regularly.

Zoom and gotomeeting apps for video that make it easier to go to meetings. I honestly hate being watched and get triggered if I'm not careful. I can be very agitated during or after but I work at being grounded and okay.

Movies, books, games, streaming services.

Good food.

Quiet time

Reconnecting with S

My parents are bad people.

Instead my grandparents!

My grandfather was an oil rig man. My grandmother was a bank teller. They met in the bank. And then elsewhere that escapes me at this moment. I was told it was 3 weeks later that they married. Because grama said she wasn't going anywhere with him unless they were married, so grampa bought her a ring and they got married. I should call her and get more details, I've heard 3 different versions now, and she's the one who has told all of 3 of the different versions!

This is the day they got married.

When people dismiss me, when they talk down to me. When I'm ignored.

Hmmm. I really have no interest in doing this. But. Let's see...

I'd call it Lovetown. It'd be a restaurant that cooked only local food from local farms who support diversity and inclusivity. I'd have all the LGBTQ flags painted on the ceiling. I'd hire all LGBTQ people. And I'd have paid therapy and support services for staff. All tips would go into an account to support school programs and social programs that support LGBTQ students and families. The staff wouldn't need the tips because they'd be paid well. At night the place would turn into a bar upstairs and again all staffed with LGBTQ people. The DJ, the bar staff, everyone paid proper wages. We'd have bouncers who loved all the staff and promptly dispose of anyone who wasn't absolutely kind to the staff and patrons. Food and drinks would be full of color and vibrant and fresh. There would be drag shows and maybe I'd bring in a local theatre or opera group to perform in the restaurant like I saw done in YEG a while back.

It's very late Saturday when I start this but most of you are in Sunday and it's possible I might take so long to post it it'll be Sunday.

1. This has felt like the longest week ever. I mean, who doesn't text or call if they like you? So I have to conclude that he either isn't interested or he's clueless or he's so painfully shy he couldn't overcome it, which to me says I'm not enough. It's that damn book I read so many years ago that he's just not that into me. Which is his right, just because I like him doesn't mean he has to like me. If it's something else I don't know. I've been told I'm going to have to do all the work. I've done this before. It doesn't work. I can't fight for someone who doesn't really want me. I can't do that again.

2. I'm in trouble. I've seriously not stopped thinking about him all week. I'm the crazy lady. I don't think preposterous things though. I just wonder what he's doing, if he'd like certain things, I wonder what it'd be like to be with him. And I think a lot about how we'd be. Like how we'd fight or how we'd do things together. I think about going to meetings together, holding his hand, laughing at stuff together, growing through challenges, I think about holding him and vice versa. WTF is wrong with me? This is fucking crazy, right?! I mean I've only known him since fall. Twice a week I see him and not always twice a week, sometimes it's only the once. It's at meetings so all I really know is from the rooms and from the few car rides and the dinner hang out. There were 5 of us so I only learned a little bit. Anyways I think about him a lot. And I'm scared.

3. Okay this isn't going to be all about him otherwise some if you will hate me and so will I, so something happened this morning that kind of hurt. There's this nice, polite, amazing spirit residing in a man who I see sometimes on this one bus. He went before me onto the train platform and I being cold went into the shelter to sit on the bench while waiting for my train. After a minute or two he comes into the shelter and sits across from me. I think I saw him stealing glances at me, which was nice. Then as the train came I got up to go thinking that felt good. Especially because I've been hating my face lately. Anyways when I looked back to where he had been sitting I noticed he was gone. The other train wasn't there, the one he was facing to catch and he wasn't on the platform and he wasn't in my car. So did he get up and go to the car ahead of me? As I thought that, it stabbed me a bit. But looking back I think I'm imagining things, he catches the train going the other way, I'm pretty sure. And honestly why do I care? I think it's because I'm feeling very unwanted and ugly lately so that is getting fed into my brain.

4. I can see things in people's eyes. It's better when it's in person but pictures I can get some sense. I saw some pictures of someone today... it was almost magical. I have this sense that...I have loved this person in another life or something. Or maybe it was just a sense of knowing they were someone I'd fall in love with given the chance. It was only pictures though so I'm not holding a lot on it, but it sort of took my breath away. And yes I thought right away I am horrible and must not like M enough if I felt that way looking at someone's pictures. But it is what it is.

5. Geesh that's an awful lot about men! Well today I went to a friend's 33 year sobriety birthday meeting. It was amazing. I've known her since I was a teen. And man did we ever not like each other. And now I love her, immensely. She has taught me so much. And she has been there for me in ways I cannot describe or express. I wish she could see herself worthy of a man who actually loves her and wants to be with her. The guy she's with is a sack of nothing. Blah. But I adore her.

6. I've been trying to listen to some of Oprah's Super Soul Sunday podcast episodes and ugh. I just can't get into it. I mean I can pull a little bit of gems in each one but I practically gag at them. They don't feel genuine and they feel awfully religious to me. And I just saw the full list and she's got fucking Joel Osteen 🤢 on there, like fuck off, are you fucking kidding me??? Meh. I think I'll cut that shit out. Even the Lady Gaga one didn't seem like Lady Gaga, it felt a little too rehearsed. And I fucking love Gaga. Not as much as I love P!nk though 😝

Geesh...

Star Trek: The Next Generation

Clone Wars (Animated Series)

Samurai Jack

NCIS

Oh boy. I've broken a lot. However I'm still challenged in many ways. I broke the pattern of abuse. I didn't pass that on my children. But I am what some would consider abusive to myself. I think, no, I know I'm very different than my parents. But I'm watching myself closer. There's a lot of racism and sexism in my family, I'm breaking that and have been for years. I had a therapist tell me how shocking it was that I've broken such huge stereotypes. But see I figure if you've been hurt it should make you kinder, gentler, more compassionate. And I'm going to work on that for the rest of my life. Because that's who I want to be.