#feat. dave

DAVE: *Dave hears the knock and removes himself from the comfort of his bed with reluctance. Wasn't someone knocking on his door just a few hours (or days) ago? He wonders if he can play a level to get a peephole installed in the doors. Since that option's out, though, he opens the door and peers through the crack.*

DAVE: yo

DIRK: *Dirk would probably raise an eyebrow at the way his alternate brother answers, under normal circumstances. For now, no expressive reaction.* Are you busy spending quality time with yourself, or can you spare a few minutes?

DAVE: *He squints at Dirk, then steps outside and shuts the door behind him.*

DAVE: i was spending quality time with myself

DAVE: but ill understand

DAVE: maybe ill make it up to myself later

DIRK: *In turn, he backs up a little to give Dave the room to come out. Of his room.* And here I was worried you wouldn't forgive yourself.

DAVE: im a merciful guy

DAVE: i believe in second chances

DAVE: whats up

DIRK: Strife. That is, between you and I.

DIRK: Nothing too extreme since I gave my word that we wouldn't give the place a fucked-up makeover, but the offer still stands. *He doesn't exactly make it sound like an offer, nor does his stance say there's much friendliness in it. So far, he just looks a bit standoffish. He hasn't even moved his hands from his sides yet.*

DAVE: *raises eyebrows* are you slapping me with the metaphorical gauntlet

DAVE: all right

DAVE: im down

DAVE: lets do it

DAVE: do you want to destroy the living room or this room

DAVE: we could play fruit ninja if you pick the living room

DIRK: The living room it is. That was the plan, anyways.

DIRK: Well, not slicing fruits, but still.

DIRK: Don't keep me waiting too long. *And with that, he flashsteps out. MYSTERIOUS. Kind of asshole-ish honestly. He'll be in the general area, assuming Dave follows suit.*

DIRK: *That is to say, the "living room" in case mun was unclear, oops.*

DAVE: *Dave resists the temptation to make an inappropriate fruit joke, shakes his head at his brotherdad's characteristic disappearance, and equips his shitty sword. Oh, man. This is going to be so embarrassing. He steps through the door into the common room warily, ears pricked for the whoosh of air that would accompany an attack.*

DIRK: *Dirk is... hidden. Most likely crouched behind one of the couches. He would prefer giving Dave some time to get nervous about the lack of being abruptly attacked upon entering, but he doesn't really have the patience right now. When Dirk hears the footsteps he tenses, then flashsteps behind Dave. Unbreakable katana already in hand, the spiky-haired Strider decides to start out easy. Just a quick sideways slash, one that he hopes will catch Dave somewhat unaware.*

DAVE: *It does catch Dave somewhat unaware, and he jumps out of the way with less grace than he would have liked. The blade nicks a fold in his t-shirt. Before Dirk can flashstep into invisibility again, Dave regains his footing and feints high, then strikes low.*

DIRK: *A hint of a smirk surfaces when the attack goes as planned, but he's overconfident and goes up for the feint. Dave is quicker than Dirk takes him for, and nearly lands the strike before Dirk is able to counter. The scrape of metal grinds loudly when he parries and tries to knock the blade aside before flashstepping a ways away, further into the common room.*

DIRK: *He's either defending or trying to lure his brother further in. Most likely both.*

DAVE: *Dave is feeling a little better about his abilities now, but he won't rush madly into Dirk's blade. Well, he will rush, but not madly. A little madly, maybe. He doesn't waste time reaching Dirk, and goes again for the low strike in the hope that he can use Dirk's height against him.*

DIRK: *Meanwhile, Dirk waits. And waits. And only once Dave's attacking does he shift his stance at all--then he disappears before the blade can hit him. Almost instantly he appears on Dave's right and looming much closer, going for a downward slash of his own and putting a little more power into the move this time.*

DAVE: *Eek. Dave had almost forgotten how fast this guy was. His blade falls on empty air and he finds himself slightly off balance (which, in a battle, is already too much). He dive rolls out of the path of Dirk's sword and, without getting off his knees, turns and slashes at Dirk's flank.*

DIRK: *Dirk would probably appreciate the fluidity of that move more if he wasn't on the receiving end of it. He does his best to dodge, but the blade still catches along his calf to cut the fabric of his pants. Dirk glances down at the tear for a moment, then lets out a quiet chuckle.* Color me impressed. I didn't think you'd be able to get that close. *He doesn't really wait on a response and instead goes for a low sweeping cut, even though Dave will most likely block it what with already being on his knees.*

DAVE: *He blocks it, but his inferior position is no longer doing any favors. He sweeps Dirk's sword away and scrambles back until he has space to get to his feet and on guard again. Here was something he'd forgotten he missed, and Dirk's remark makes him smirk a little.*

DAVE: youre only a little faster than an imp

DIRK: *Aw, what a cute diss. It makes the taller Strider grin just a bit.* I can step it up a notch. *With that he's gone in a blur once again, popping up behind Dave. This time, however, he lunges in with a flurry of slices. Hopefully Dave is able to block or parry them, as the attacks increase in power the further Dirk drives forward. They're simple attacks, but fast nonetheless.*

DAVE: *Dave doesn't want to die, and he doesn't-- just barely. He parries a few and dodges the rest, stepping backwards the whole time. Finally, he slips up and throws up his hands to protect himself, catching Dirk's strike on the hilt of his blade and one palm. His hand begins to bleed before it begins to hurt, and he yanks it away, pressing it to his t-shirt and jumping backwards, out of Dirk's long reach. He's spurred on by the first blood and recovers quickly, hoping Dirk will be too distracted by his victory to catch Dave's rebound blow.*

DIRK: *The drawing of blood is a small success to Dirk, although it reminds him that he has to be careful. Dave isn't one of his robots that he can destroy and rebuild. In remembering this and trying to adjust appropriately, Dirk is unprepared for a counterstrike. When Dave returns with it, the other Strider hisses out a harsh breath in surprise and swings to block it. It's too unsteady and slides along his blade, but doesn't get to nick him; he flashsteps away before it can, retreating and almost backing up to one of the couches. He makes a "come at me, bro" gesture with one hand, his brow furrowed by the lack of precision in his last move. Keep it together, Strider.*

DAVE: *It's unsettling how easy it is to slip back into old practices with a near-stranger-- who is his brother, but also not. That's a thought for another day, though (so he has been telling himself for the past two weeks or so). He obliges Dirk's beckoning and strides across the room to meet him. Backed up against the couch like that could be a sign of defeat. Not likely with the Bro he knew, but it never hurt to remain optimistic. And then he was at it again- lunging at Dirk, then sidestepping at the last second to swipe at his knees.*

DIRK: *Dirk allows himself a moment's rest, leaning against the couch the way he is. The sword shifts from his left hand to his right, tapping lightly on the floor while Dave nears. To be fair, Dirk remains still until the lunge is made. But then he's flashstepped away again (and damn he wishes he had Cal to back him up right now) to the safety of... standing on top of the back of the couch. Dave probably shreds the side of the furniture while his brother leaps for an aerial assault, his sword flashing downwards with him.*

DAVE: shit

DAVE: *Dave flings himself backwards to avoid Bro's fucking steel magnolia gazelle leap, trips, and lands on his ass, throwing his sword up to protect himself. Steel on steel shrieks for about half a second, and then Dave's sword breaks in half.*

DAVE: fucking shit

DIRK: *He lands with significantly more grace than the Strider currently sprawled on the floor beneath him, probably with more force than necessary in his attacking swing. It's still a shock to him when the weapon actually breaks, and Dirk's momentum nearly sends his own blade straight for Dave. Luckily he's able to angle himself to the side, the katana screeching harshly on the floor next to his brother before it's gone in a flashstep. Dirk's standing to the side now, his battle stance only half forgotten while he looks down at the mess.* ...

DIRK: Wow, you were right. That's a fucking shitty sword.

DAVE: *Dave just stares at the piece of sword still left in his hand and shakes his head.*

DAVE: its the shittiest sword in the world

DAVE: we should put it up on a pedestal

DAVE: its like a bad penny

DAVE: it just keeps turning up and being absolutely fucking useless

DAVE: like hey im here again! you cant fucking use me for anything but you cant get rid of me

DAVE: lets put up a commemorative statue with a little insulting plaque

DAVE: the greatest symbol of male impotence since american imperialism

DIRK: *Dirk sorta just. Watches Dave for most of that ramble. Then he shrugs, returning to his more casual stance.* How did you even play Sburb with such an awful weapon, anyways?

DIRK: Assuming it wasn't broken on entry. That would make it all the worse for battle.

DAVE: uh

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: assuming that

DAVE: i made bigger and cooler swords and then broke those

DIRK: *Squint.* You broke all of them?

DAVE: pretty much

DAVE: yep

DIRK: ...That's pretty ironic.

DIRK: *Belatedly, Dirk steps closer to offer Dave a hand in getting up.*

DIRK: I think I'll wait on doing a one-on-one with you wielding a broken blade until you've got a more improved version of it, though.

DAVE: *He takes Dirk's hand and hops to his feet.*

DAVE: great because i was planning on keeping all my limbs

DIRK: That sounds like a good idea, I'd hardly enjoy the chewing out that would be given by either Lalonde on that. *The thought of that makes him smirk a little as his own sword disappears back into its specibus. He gets quiet for a moment; Rose said they should talk about things, but... finally he speaks up after initial hesitation while he looks away to scan the room.* Did the alternate me teach you those sword skills then?

DIRK: *Kind of a stupid question to ask. He berates himself silently for the clear awkwardness. Way to go.*

DAVE: yeah and he didnt even charge me tuition

DAVE *He can sense that this is going in the direction of a walk down memory lane or, even worse, a feelings talk.*

DIRK: Really? Not a fucking penny? Wow, and here I was thinking I'd be a total cheapskate.

DAVE: you might be right

DAVE: maybe i was actually thousands of dollars in debt

DAVE: and he was just waiting for me to get a fuckin job and pay him back

DAVE: i was a baby so i had like no money

DIRK: That sounds accurate. *No, it doesn't, but Dirk is willing to keep this going. Although Dave's terminology brings a new question to mind.* You don't mean you were literally an infant, right.

DIRK: Just some huge whiny kid or something? That I could see.

DAVE: well at some point i was literally an infant

DIRK: Yeah but I didn't attack you while you were just learning your first steps into Striderhood. *Actually now that he gives it some thought, it sounds like something he might do if he knew the stakes.* Did I? *There's a bit of uncertainty there, whoops.*

DAVE: yeah to be fair i dont remember infancy very well

DAVE: it might have been more like toddlerhood

DAVE: babys first trike and babys first shitty sword

DIRK: *Okay. So he may or may not have attacked a small child. That... doesn't really make Dirk feel too great, but he supposes that it's better than some things he could have done. He nods at Dave's words while his expression begins to turn neutral again.* Only the best for the childhood photos, of course.

DIRK: Well, I'm glad that I didn't fuck you up that badly. Less money to spend on a therapist this way.

DAVE: *Dave is looking at him a little defensively now, although it seems pointless to defend him from... himself.*

DAVE: good deal since the closest therapist in this universe is my sister

DAVE: anyway i wouldnt say he fucked me up

DAVE: more like

DAVE: he taught me how to be totally fuckin rad and kill things before he even knew i was going to spend the rest of my life killing shit

DIRK: *There's a slight eyebrow-raise when Dirk notices the kinds of pronouns Dave is using, and makes a mental note of that.* Just what every growing kid needs, a life dedicated to destroying things with little thought towards a normal lifestyle.

DIRK: Can't say I blame myself, though. And it paid off in the long run.

DAVE: *He flashes Dirk a thumbs-up, and then side-eyes him a little.*

DAVE: who taught you your mad skills then

DIRK: *Cue a shrug.* I did.

DIRK: I built robots that could fight against me, and set the difficulty levels higher each time I beat them. World's greatest CPU-maker right here. DIRK: *He wants to say "world's last CPU maker" but that's a little too morbid.*

DAVE: *He nods slowly. What a lonely child Dirk must have been. How tragic. He almost feels guilty, although it wasn't his fault and he isn't sure he would change anything if he (not him) could do it again.*

DAVE: so youre basically a big computer geek

DIRK: You know it. I made an AI too, when I was thirteen.

DIRK: Which, unfortunately, was a bigger hassle than I had bargained for.

DIRK: But he's no longer around, thankfully. Dealing with a thirteen-year-old version of myself trapped in virtual form is just asking for trouble. DIRK: Turns out I don't get along with myself. Who knew, right? Someone call the press, they'd eat this kind of story right up.

DAVE: oh yeah i could just see the headlines

DAVE: 'if you could tell your thirteen year old self anything you wanted, what would you say? one post-apocalyptic texan boy gets that chance'

DAVE: or even beter

DAVE: the sitcom

DAVE: 'me, myself and i'

DIRK: Starring some lanky nerd of a blond kid who wouldn't have even an ounce of coolness resembling a Strider's, with his AI "sidekick" always around to give snarky remarks at the plights that he encounters in each episode.

DIRK: Hell, throw a robot in there too. Make it look like him, call it Brobot.

DIRK: Considering that's also a thing I built.

DAVE: sounds a little narcissistic

DAVE: which is ironic since you turned out not to like your own company after all

DIRK: Exactly. Although to be fair, Brobot was only around when I had to create him. 

DIRK: After that I sent him off in order to sharpen the dulled edge of the skills possessed by one of my friends. Jade's alternate kid-grandfather actually.

DIRK: *Speaking of Jake and thinking of him is not really what Dirk wants to be doing right now, so his words are just a fraction clipped.* What about you? No alternate versions of you running around, causing mayhem or being useful?

DAVE: uh not anymore

DAVE: but back in the day there was a murder of split timeline daves running around fucking shit up

DIRK: Huh. That was a part of your powers as a Time hero then. Metric fucktons of Daves.

DIRK: That must have had some use. At least nobody would be able to finish you off that way.

DAVE: *He spreads his hands to indicate that yes, he is still here.*

DAVE: one time i used like a zillion selves to manipulate my planets stock market

DAVE: but to be fair i was being manipulated by an alien and she got all the money in the end

DIRK: Damn those broads and their gold-digging ways.

DIRK: Also, how did your planet have a stock market?

DAVE: *elaborate shrug*

DAVE: those crocs were damn smart

DIRK: *Eyebrow-raise. Crocodilian consorts, then. Huh.* It seems they proved useful.

DIRK: Too bad none of that cash was transferrable to where we are now. Living off royalties is always relaxing in its own way.

DAVE: what would we buy anyway

DAVE: i dont see a vending machine

DIRK: And here I was hoping for a soda.

DIRK: It could have proven useful at some point nonetheless.

DIRK: *Actually now he kind of wants a soda. Fuck.*

DIRK: What did the aforementioned alien do to convince you to loan her the fat stacks without repayment, anyways.

DAVE: she asked for it

DIRK: ...Okay.

DIRK: I thought you said that she was manipulating you into it.

DAVE: yeah she was

DAVE: well

DAVE: it was more like she told me to do stuff and then i did it

DAVE: which is like manipulating if youre stupid

DIRK: Yeah. Why exactly did you listen to her?

DAVE: she seemed to know what she was talking about

DAVE: and she also sent me these shitty jpeg edits

DAVE: which were very convincing

DIRK: *The look he's giving Dave right now is probably something bordering "You can't be serious. Even if you're being sarcastic."*

DAVE: *Dave is totally deadpan.*

DIRK: Remind me, which troll was it that did all this?

DAVE: the blind one

DIRK: Good to know.

DAVE: yeah watch out for that one

DAVE: shes cunning

DAVE: like a fox

DAVE: or chancellor palpatine in the reboot movies

DAVE: speaking of which

DAVE: im going to go take a shower

DAVE: *He tugs at his shirt, which was white but now has a blotchy red stain on it, and then stands up.*

DIRK: The fact that Chancellor Palpatine reminded you of showering is a bit worrying towards what you were thinking, but I'll pin it on the blood loss this time. *Still, Dirk is somewhat relieved to have an exit as well. He offers Dave a fistbump for farewell, remembering to switch for his other hand so that Dave doesn't have to bunp with his injured one.*

DAVE: *Dave appreciates the gesture. He bunps Dirk's fist and then leaves.*

DAVE: ok come over here and marvel at the sights

DAVE: its a big ass stat board and all your secrets are quantified and revealed here

DAVE: as you can see gamzee is really dumb and im moderately dumb

DIRK: *Casual, oh-so-casual sigh over Roxy. Thank you Ro-Lal. Anyways, Dirk edges out of his room as Dave talks.* Yeah, Jake told me about that but I haven't gone to view it personally yet.

DIRK: Or hadn't, I suppose.

DAVE: its about as interesting as reading a gossip blog

DAVE: you know kind of insulting but also fascinating

DIRK: And also mostly degrading to others, for your own amusement.

DAVE: yep

DAVE: weve mostly been pointing and laughing at gamzee

DAVE: to hide our own insecurities and all that

DIRK: Of course. He's the only one who can't participate in the new game, right?

DAVE: thats what i heard

DAVE: which sucks because i heard he was really good at the old game

DIRK: Really? He was terrible for our session.

DIRK: He gave our sprites the most horrendous fusion of several dead corpses.

DIRK: *Dead corpses. Please ignore that Dirk is nervous I'm sorry*

DAVE: i mean he helped his own session win

DAVE: he totally fucked over ours

DAVE: but it was kind of my fault

DAVE: in a circular time travelling fashion

DAVE: what did he do to you guys

DAVE: *ignores the dead corpses bit and wipes his clammy palms on his jeans. heck.*

DAVE: yeah roxy mentioned that

DIRK: I'm not surprised.

DIRK: Some of the aforementioned horror-worthy sprites also happened to self-destruct.

DIRK: Actually, all of them.

DIRK: It was a confetti parade of fleshy bits, and not even in the erotic sense.

DAVE: i dont think sprites have any of the necessary parts to explode in an erotic sense

DAVE: even if you think people exploding is erotic

DAVE: anyway sounds pretty gory but thats still small potatoes compared to the other shit this guy has done

DIRK: I can assure you with 100% sincerity that even I'm not that fucked up, bro.

DIRK: What did he do to your session?

DAVE: he went back in time and gave us lifelong nightmares

DAVE: he really didnt like me

DAVE: *contemplates the stat board*

DAVE: he also did a lot of time travelling for someone who isnt supposed to be a time traveller

DAVE: and then creeped all around the meteor i lived on for three years and stole my girlfriend

DIRK: *side-eyes Dave at that* Wow, sounds like a pretentious asshole.

DIRK: Maybe we can kick his ass in some game later on.

DIRK: For now, I've heard that the current game will most likely be taken up by our alien companions to restore their newly re-deceased party member.

DAVE: yeah fingers crossed but my starter weapon is shit

DAVE: might win a better one later but ill just break it

DIRK: Really? Damn. It's like I'm the only one with a kickass weapon around here.

DAVE: what the fuck why do you have a kickass weapon

DIRK: Well it's an unbreakable katana, so.

DIRK: I had it when we started our game.

DAVE: *curls his lip in a "well aren't you fancy" expression*

DAVE: thats pretty sweet

DAVE: did you get it at swords r us

DAVE: those werent on sale when i was on earth

DIRK: Fucking as if. This shit is legitimate. Said to be forged from the... *scoffs and raises a hand in a halfhearted waving-off gesture.* You know what, I spat out that shit years ago and I'm not gonna say it all again.

DIRK: It's the shit.

DIRK: That's all there is to say on the matter.

DIRK: Better off than a shitty breakable sword, anyways.

DAVE: no fuckin kidding

DAVE: you dont have to tell me

DAVE: although if you ever want to test the veracity of that claim just hand it over

DAVE: i once broke a fucking enormous legendary sword in half

DAVE: by accident though

DAVE: its always by fuckin accident

DIRK: By all means, have a go at trying to break an unbreakable sword. That shit's so strong it'll just bend, and probably throw you to the ground.

DIRK: In which case, I apologize on the sword's behalf in advance for the condition of your face.

DAVE: *suddenly remembers a certain sword he bounced off of in a similar way, belonging to a similar guy, and shakes his head.* nah keep your sword and ill keep my face

DIRK: *shrugs* If you change your mind, you know where to find the kickass weaponry.

DIRK: What did you have before this new-level shit reset your strife specibus?

DAVE: a pretty sweet blade made out of the previously mentioned legendary sword

DAVE: it was broken obviously

DAVE: but it was still really cool and i slayed with it so whatever

DAVE: i guess if you have an unbreakable katana you dont really need to upgrade huh

DIRK: Nah, not really.

DIRK: When our game went apeshit on trickster, they couldn't even find a Zilly-upgrade.

DAVE: whats trickster

DIRK: A highly unpleasant experience.

DIRK: Don't ask any of our group about it.

DIRK: *suddenly inspecting the Stat board closer* Holy shit, one of these guys has a fuckton of strength on here.

DIRK: Someone drank their milk.

DAVE: yeah hes also really into horse anthros

DAVE: ask him about his poetry

DIRK: Will do. *glances over at the name, then frowns a bit.* ...On second thought, I might wait a little while before talking to him, but I'll still consider the thought.

DIRK: *turns a bit, looking Dave full-on now with a neutral expression* By the way, it's nice to really meet you without the game casually Striderblocking.

DAVE: ditto

DAVE: the life and death situation was kind of distracting

DIRK: *Kind of wants to say Dave is shorter than Dirk thought he'd be, but he's gonna let that one slide.*

DIRK: Yeah, a little bit.

DIRK: Good to see you guys didn't die in your session though.

DAVE: *at the exact same moment dave is noticing that dirk is taller than him and sulking a little inside.*

DIRK: We also just barely managed.

DAVE: i saw you got your godtier steeze on though

DAVE: so i guess you did experience some of the other side

DIRK: A little more than some considering there was a stunt involving self-decapitation with getting us into the medium, but it worked out in the end as per the usual.

DAVE: thats hardcore

DAVE: who decapitated themselves

DAVE: *he raises an eyebrow at dirk. was it you.*

DIRK: *There's a slight twitch at Dirk's lip, yeah he can't help the faint amusement at that look.* I did.

DIRK: It was sort of necessary at the time.

DAVE: oh because here i was thinking you probably did it for the jollies

DAVE: hey kids its pretty boring here in the boonies in the summer you know whatd be really fun

DAVE: im going to cut my own head off

DAVE: but its okay because ive got a couple of continues in my back pocket

DIRK: Yeah, clearly. Didn't you know that casual self-execution is the one way I can get my rocks off? It's just a go-to for me.

DIRK: It always comes around to decapitation, eventually.

DIRK: ...Okay that sarcasm was just a little too gross even for my tastes.

DAVE: i was about to say you and lalonde will get along great

DAVE: i mean my lalonde

DAVE: rose

DAVE: one of our more memorable sibling squabbles involved fighting over which one of us was going to sacrifice themself to save the universe

DIRK: Sounds hardcore. Who won?

DAVE: she won technically

DIRK: Damn. I'm gonna have to meet this girl.

DAVE: she knocked me out and left without me

DAVE: it was pretty cold

DIRK: She's my ecto-daughter technically, right?

DAVE: yup

DIRK: Good.

DIRK: Roxy's one helluva Lalonde, but she never had to knock me out for anything.

DIRK: I'm sure she would have tried, but the point still stands.

DAVE: just wait till they start learning from each other

DAVE: i mean the knockout ended up being pointless anyway but i guess it gives her street cred

DIRK: By that I'm guessing that you did something to even the odds.

DAVE: yeah we basically ended up going around in another idiotic circle

DAVE: i didnt knock her out though so its still 1-0 lalonde

DIRK: I think it might be for the best, seeing as knocking broads out is still pretty highly frowned upon.

DAVE: good point

DAVE: im a feminist and i want all my fans back on good ol dead earth to know that

DAVE: i would never knock rose out unless i absolutely had to

DIRK: Of course. The corpses over on dead Earth thank you for your feminist values. You are the hero, it's you.

DIRK: Anyways, I'm gonna go back into my room and do some plotting shit. I need to figure this *gesturing to holoboard* out.

DAVE: *waves hand* scheme away

DAVE: you know where to find me if you need

DAVE: uh

DAVE: nothing

DIRK: I'm sure there'll be some use having you around here. Time players don't tend to be useless, after all. *Pauses for a moment before deciding to just fuck it. He offers a brofist for the fellow Strider.*

DAVE: *he bunps the fist and gets a helluva kick out of it, although it doesn't register on his face.*

DIRK: *Same, bro. Dirk offers one last nod of farewell before returning to the thing leading to his room.*