#fe development

Sorry it's been a while since you sent this! I found this to be quite a difficult question, and I hope this helps.

In general with lower functions, I'd recommend not focusing on them at all. Focus on character, because that's what you're really worried about here. Fe is (very short version) basically just a natural awareness of society/people and a strong desire to be apart of and connect with that community. Fe might naturally navigate society, but it can easily be manipulative in someone with bad character. In good character, it can be constructive and supportive in society. This question shows you have that desire to navigate society and connect with people, even if relational skills don't come easily to you - so you're already developing Fe! 👏

Tips though:

As for being a know it all (which I was as a kid 😂), you ultimately have to analyse WHY you're doing that. Is it because you like sharing interesting information? That would make it a bid for attention. You can learn a better way to try and befriend people, which will vary from group to group and culture to culture. Are you doing it to try and show people you're interesting? Interacting with people in such a self-distracted way doesn't work. You need to focus on the people in front of you instead, because it will usually help you figure out what to talk about instead. People always like to talk about themselves, so asking questions about their interests is a good start. You're only being a know it all if you're telling them things to show off, because you think you're better than them. If that's the case, you'll have to work out why you think that and ideally change it, because it's not a good starting point for friendships. Appreciation is (and you already know that too!)!

Appreciating people is the most important thing you can do, and that is entirely character related. You have to be able to see the beauty in each person's complexity, and want to know more about them. You have to develop empathy, which is totally separate from mbti.

As someone with high Ti, you might not be primed to be interested in every single person, but that's okay. Even high Fe users interested in every single person, it's okay to click with some and not others. The important part is respecting people in their humanity and being kind. If you follow social protocol, people can't even complain about you being rude. After that, if some people don't like you, it's not really a problem. There's no hard and fast rule for people, every single one will be different. It kind of sucks, but even as a high Fe user plenty of people don't like me 😂

As for the repression part of the question:

I've found part of having high Fe is being aware of how many relationships are actually shallow, and how many people aren't truly connecting with those around them. That means a lot of relationships in your life will just be polite, like at work, or school, or at the shops. It means a lot of people actually don't WANT you to express your feelings, because you don't have that kind of relationship. I know that sounds so mean 😂, but I want to make it clear it's honestly possible that people SHOULD be picking up on your feelings long before you feel you're going to burst. There are lots of micro signs that a person is upset, and a lot of people just ignore them. Sometimes they're not even looking for them, because they're not interested in deeper friendship. I've been horrified how many times people just don't notice when other people are distressed. BUT I'm going to answer the question with the assumption that you meant how can you better express feelings in relationships where people definitely do care and aren't just being awful.

Fe finds it pretty hard to express negative emotions, since it's very conscious of upsetting others. This is the one part of your question where developing Fe is what's needed, but alongside the development of assertive character. Well developed Fe can manage conflict, and recognises it's important to share negative feelings in order to have a true relationship. Otherwise the whole thing is fake. So, while expressing your feelings will likely kill a shallow relationship, it will deepen those with people of kindness and empathy.

So the answer is simple: just say it. I mean, don't scream it or anything, but just... try. Even if you have to cry, even if it takes ages for you to find the right words. You can write it down if you like, but I prefer not to have anything like that in writing. The general rule of thumb is, if it upset you, and you can't stop thinking about it after a few days, you should just tell them. Say, as an example, your friends went out to a movie and didn't invite you. If you think you have the kind of relationship where they truly care about you, you can just say - I was pretty upset I wasn't invited, because it seemed like you were trying to exclude me. (A general rule is that you frame the problem around yourself and your feelings rather than 'you went out without me and that was mean because you're a bully!' 😂). Then they have a chance to clarify or be mean 😋

I don't know if you're prone to oversensitivity, or if you think you are, but even then - your true friends should know who you are. In a lot of cases, communication solves the oversensitivity, because it provides an opportunity for people to explain their behaviour. (example: We didn't mean to hurt you, we thought you said you hated this movie and didn't want to see it with us - and you can be like, oops I didn't mean to say that but I guess I kind of did). It's better to risk sounding oversensitive than to attempt mind reading (because you'll likely be wrong and hurt yourself more).

Repression is a way to control emotions, but it almost always ends in a loss of control. The key to avoiding that is to express your feelings fairly close to as they come, as calmly as you can. Communication is, unfortunately, a skill that can only be developed in practice, not in theory. Although, if you have a good handle on the theory it helps, so you could probably write out scenarios before trying it.

If you meant that you're more prone to angry outbursts, the answer is still in early communication. Try not to think of it as a confrontation, and it might help fix the tone. Bringing up negative feelings doesn't have to be a conflict, it's as simple as saying a fact. Especially since someone who really cares about you should be willing to fix the problem with you.

I'd probably need specifics to be more helpful, but some dot pointers are:

If you want people to leave you alone for a bit, just calmly say you need to be alone for a while because you feel tired/stressed/a bit moody.

If you want people to pay attention to you and they aren't, try telling them you want to talk.

If you're too angry to speak to someone, tell them you're taking a moment to calm down. Don't engage until you can calmly articulate things. If that time never comes and you get angry every time you think about it, just try to say it as calmly as you can.

A lot of people recommend writing down negative emotions if you feel you're oversensitive, because it can help you figure out what can be mentioned. Supposedly, any issue that doesn't need to be mentioned will stop bothering you once it's written down.

Be careful not to mention a long term problem while you're mad about it. If it's something you've been holding on to for a long time, not sure if you should mention it, wait till you calm down again and then mention it's been something you've been thinking about for a while. Avoid saving up issues at all, but if you have it might be better to mention as many as you can at once. Otherwise it sounds like you're just keeping a record of wrongs and stringing it out.

Sometimes conflict is necessary, but that doesn't necessarily mean either of you did anything wrong. Try to look at any issue from that perspective if you can, and it will help you get through it all faster.

If you can't express yourself in a relationship it will ultimately be shallow and unfulfilling. It's never selfish to be genuine (that's not being mean on purpose obvs 😂), and good communication will help the other person open up too.

It’s true that Fe doms might struggle with interacting with people who appear aloof and indifferent, but then so do most people.

I don’t think you need to force yourself to become visibly expressive. Don’t go against yourself like that. 

I’d say that whenever you feel/think something but can’t show or verbally express it, just say that. I mean, say “this makes me upset/happy/whatever, but I am a bit at a loss how to communicate it” if this is actually what goes through your mind. 

You don’t have to be perfect in your communication, you just need to be honest, and voicing what’s going on inside your mind is easier than agonising on how to repackage it for the other person. Fe is nurtured by building interpersonal intimacy and connection, and this could help with that, as you directly show what’s going on inside you.

Otherwise, I would also think that training yourself to voice short-and-sweet acknowledgements of Fe dom’s efforts would be great as well. Instead of being over the top in your responses (faking it), or curt in terms of only saying “Yes” or “No” (having zero Fe), you might come up with a short sentence like “That was nice of you”, which is certainly an improvement (a sign of some Fe effort). 

Fe doms also like engagement, so if there is a conversion between both of you, try to ask questions in return to what they asked of you, or if they tell you a story, ask follow up questions, etc. For Fe, poor communication is evident when someone is not able to take any interest in another party, so if you at least manage to make any of the conversation about another person’s experience (in a thoughtful way), you should be fine.