#favoriteletter

Your compulsive writing brought you to finish this journal in little more than one month. Remember the minuscule span of time in which this was composed when you look back on what has been done here. 

When you reflect, remember that you wrote what you felt. That you were as raw & true as you could bear. At least here. Don’t you dare convince yourself that the things written here were imaginings, delusions, or melodramas. 

It was all very real. Sure, it was heavy, gnarly, & not especially beautiful. But it was exceptionally true to who you were, what you believed, & what you felt. 

Remember how much you felt. 

Make sure you remember the love you had when you wrote this. How you brimmed with it. How it changed colors and breaths. Because it did change things for you. 

When you started this, you were so wrapped up in the idea of a future where you had finally outrun your past, & you compromised the present for it. 

But, between loving & writing, your journey here brought you to believe in the power & value of moments; of the present. 

And, when you do look back - because you always do - be thankful for the journey. For having the opportunity to write & to love. They’ve both been so beautiful & they did make you happy; even if they don’t anymore. 

I hope they still do. 

I hope that when you look back you’re better. 

Better at writing. Someday, “you’ll build palaces out of paragraphs. You’ll build cathedrals.” 

Better at loving. You’ll forget about the walls that you used to spend years building. You’ll stop clinging to pain, because you’ll finally understand that it’s not a life-preserver. You’ll believe that you can swim well enough on your own. 

You’ll know how to open your heart without first weighing the consequences. You will become softer, more receptive & reflective of love & positivity. 

From start to finish of this journal & the coinciding journey, you grew .When you look back, you’ll have grown even more. 

You’ll be even closer to the person you’re meant to be. 

I have so many hopes for 

you

me

us?

Me.

I have so many hopes for myself. You’ll get out of this place, just like you always wanted to. You’ll do something so brilliant that you’ll be a source of pride for your mother; no longer one of shame. You’ll come out of that suffocating, familiar closet, & it will be one of the most empowering things you might ever feel. You’ll live past high school. You’ll live past college. You’ll grow old with the people that love you. You’ll build a garden, & it will be marvelous: a source of nutrients for your soul. 

You’ll be happy. You’ll know love. 

I can see all of these things. 

And, I know this is new. I’m closer to the past than you are. I remember, vividly, what it was to determine my own expiration date. 

I wasn’t going to make it to 17. 

I wasn’t going to make it to 18. 

I’ve already done both. I’m still here. You’re still here. You’ve made it so far. 

I know you used to believe you didn’t have a future. I know you used to count the days until those fateful dates, in fear and anticipation. 

The world didn’t end in December of 2012. 

You didn’t end in 2015 or 2016. 

Everything continues. 

You have. 

So, keep going, living, appreciating everything you are fortunate enough to experience. 

Keep hoping for the future. But don’t forget the present. They’re linked, codependent, & both so important. 

And, if you’re not there yet - even though I hope you are -, keep working towards the day you can fully love yourself, forgive yourself, & take life into your own hands to make it what it’s meant to be. 

You can do it. Just keep moving towards it.

-Bon Chance