#fattest dumpling

Ding-dini-ling! The reckless familiar sound broke through the layers of my fluffy blanket from underneath my skin and immediately started spreading in the air inside my tent, bouncing from the walls and beating my ears as if the roof wasn't actually made from soft cloth but as if it was truly marble made.

My “forgotten where lost” phone was desperately competing with my “forgotten where lost life” and violently demanded me to get up since the night prior we agreed I'll do so.

Unlike myself my phone doesn't really like the vibe of never performing promises and if I put a setting to wake me up at 5 it surely will try as it promised to. It will try cruelly and mercilessly, repeatedly and annoyingly hurting my ego and my poor tear-stained eyes until I finally take action to make it stop.

The stamina is aggressively impressive. “You're pathetic”, it says.

“Am I?”- unconvincingly I tried to fend off.

“You won't interrupt me, no matter how hard you argue” - it went on, “you're pathetic not to get that I'll never shut up just because. I'm disciplined and you aren't. Come on, get together your fat dumpling like ass and both of your chicken shaped thighs, collect both of your jelly arms with a pair of your hamster-like cheeks and be out of this bed. Come on, don't be as miserable as you were all the days prior. Come on, you promised you will definitely show up at a horizontal bar and do some pull ups. Come on, Nika, you can never expect a brighter ending, I mean any different ending while keeping going the same paths over and over again.

The voices were still debating in the back of my mind, wandering through the jungles of my intracranial space, fighting recklessly as if they were about to murder each other if offered a possibility. 

Immediately I caught up the memory of the Tiktok video clip that I had occasionally seen a couple days prior where they tell you that in order to have a change in result you gotta have some sort of imbalance in your sum of positive and negative talk inside your brain.

Recalling that, I instantly thought “Oh, that is what it was all about, here we go”.

I get up. I switch off the ringing bell of my phone and crawl out of my fluffy haunt. The fresh morning air hits my inner layer of the lungs and an immediate jim-jams appear. I haven't been doing any sports for months now and I clearly avoid trying because of imagining how embarrassing it will be now since I got very weak.

“Not now, please, just back to bed. Give me back the fluff and warmth, just close back my eyes. Please, please, kindly… I just feel so insecure and unsafe in this outside world” - the negative talk says.

“I'll be so proud of you. That won't take much time. And you don't even have to push hard. Just do whatever exercises with that quantity of repeats you can easily do.  Please, I'll be so flaming proud of” - the positive one proceeded.

Like why?

I don't have my own personality it's always is made of tone of pieces taken from others: friends (I barely have two), acquaintances and people we feel limeresnce towards.

When the person goes out of my life, it feels like turning my heart flash apart and cutting of the piece that belond to her.

And no one care that I'm left on the sidewalk with torn chest apart and a heart with a cu t.

She is gone. Forever. And me is only to fix myself this. To get up, fix the heart and clean the mess.

But who am I? What am I! What is me? I'm so alone.

Call me in the middle of the night to cry me out all your worries and I'll appreciate it.

I love you 👄🫂

Yea self harm is pretty cool

And you love the scars

But have you ever had someone care