#fantasy attachment

⁺˖ ⸝⸝ 😞🧸

he knows who he is, he feels comfortable and confident in who he is and he expresses his authentic self and values freely. he has a strong sense of self, and internal emotional safety.

and we see that he gets this from his parents, both parents.

the Kents, his adoptive Earth parents, are incredibly supportive and loving, and have probably raised him with strong emotional support and validation, helping to foster and nourish his identity and sense of emotional safety.

but not only does he have emotional support from his adoptive parents, he also feels emotionally connected to and supported by his biological parents, as they sent him to Earth with a message:

“We love you more than heaven our son, we love you more than land, our beloved home will soon be gone forever but hope vitalises our hearts and that hope is you, Kal-El, we have searched the universe for a home where you can do the most good, and live out Krypton’s truth, and that place is Earth.”

his robots play him this message whenever he needs comfort, and he recites every word.

it’s so clearly dear to him, as this message is really his only sense of connection to his birth parents. and he’s really internalised it, seeing it as confirmation for his sense of purpose, value and expression - the go ahead for him to serve humanity, bring hope and use his powers for good.

the message was damaged in transit though, and so he’s only heard half of it, but he believes that (the rest of the massage confirms) he was sent to Earth to do good, and that this goodness is inherent and authentic, validated by his biological parents, and further supported by his adoptive parents.

but then…

⋆

the message in its entirety is actually not one of goodness, not to use his power for good but to use it for for selfish, arbitrary reasons + needs. and his parent’s needs at that — to abuse his power.

this really destabilises Clark’s sense of identity and internal safety. who is he? he feels disconnected from his roots and himself, and like his entire identity has been (built on) a lie, invalidating absolutely everything he is and stands for. his existence…

where does he belong…

:( </3

he feels internally destabilised and lost;

“But you don’t seem quite yourself…” / Well that message that my parents sent with me, I had never heard the second half before…” / “Well I’d say what you wanted that message to mean says a whole lot more about you than what anyone meant for it to mean.”

“Pa, you don’t understand, I’m not who I thought I was.”

…

all this time, Clark's authentic expression of his empathy was done as he felt internally safe and externally supported to do so.

he finished the message in his mind and “assumed how it ended” because he was projecting his authenticity — identity and values — onto what he thought his parents wanted for him. it’s a fantasy attachment thing, especially as they were physically absent. so to see the reality, that their values didn’t align with his authentic self, and in fact were the opposite, was probably so heartbreaking and destabilising…

it sucks to realise your values are fundamentally different to anyone you felt close to, especially your parents, it’s completely destabilising to your sense of belonging..

we are so biologically connected to our parents and look to them (consciously + subconsciously) for guidance, validation and support, whether they are present or not, especially in our identity formation and in nurturing, connecting to + expressing our authenticity.

but not all parents are really interested in seeing you for you, or capable of this even. in (physically/emotionally) supporting this — seeing you as an individual and not an extension of themselves, a means to meet their needs, which Clark’s biological parents seem to do here.

it’s destabilising to realise your origin isn’t… safe.. and aligned with who you authentically are.. there’s a lot of grief in this. and so now after seeing his parent’s true intentions for him, his internal sense of safety is shaken, feeling like this completely invalidates everything he is and stands for. but Pa helps him see otherwise,

no one determines who you are, and he’s right in that parents are there to provide “the tools”— emotional and physical safety and support — for you to find/express your authentic self. anyone, parent or not, trying to tell you who you oughta be is literally emotionally immature and unsafe, because they can’t tolerate your individuality and authenticity. as hard as that may be to accept.

and just because your authentic self expression is different to that of your family of origin/what your parents may want of/for you/others in general, doesn’t mean that they’re right and that your authentic self is wrong/invalidated. especially because, if one doesn’t/can’t see you, then what’s the point? what’s the point of their approval?

…

just seeing how genuinely emotionally supportive his father is in this moment is so touching, and so nice to see genuine vulnerability, especially between father and child.

we love to see emotionally mature parenting :’)

Clark’s identity and internal safety had been built upon two avenues of parental support, but one wasn’t real… :/ so when the reality hits him, he’s momentarily destabilised, but the real support he has from Ma and Pa helped validate + cement his authentic identity and sense of belonging, that he was acting from all along.

sometimes, we won’t all have the ‘ma and pa’, the external validation though, and it’ll have to come from within you… but this scene is a really tender display of authenticity, identity + belonging, which is right up my alley, and finding that sense of internal + external safety and belonging, where your authentic values can be expressed.

and so he does, and continues to do so

these scenes and the entire movie really makes my heart just <3333 !! because.. exactly…

anyway, thanks sm for reading if you’re here :) ⭐️

my other superman thoughts and writings / my masterlist ⭐️

Faith is a hopeless romantic, a true lover girl.

Before eleven years old, she was clearly interested enough in romantic love to ask an Ouija board for her soulmate’s name, which she received as ‘Damon Bradley’. She mentions how her grandmother told her about soulmates, sparking her interest, and we see this obsession further fuelled by receiving this name.

From an early age, Faith has created a very intense mental image of an ideal partner, her ‘soulmate’, but this soulmate figure is not based on a real person or any real people, but a completely internal concept, personified by the name ‘Damon Bradley’.

Soulmate fantasies can be influenced by many things, such as media, stories and cultural narratives that perpetuate the idea of “the one”, and as mentioned above, we see her grandmother first told her of the concept of soulmates. But, as in my own personal experience, this can also be due to unmet emotional + psychological needs.

As a child, Faith deeply internalised the romantic ideal of “the other half” and when she gets her soulmate’s name, ‘Damon Bradley’, it only increases her intensity and fixation on romance, destiny and “the one”, as she now has a name to go by, an end goal, and as Faith gets older, this fixation only grows, still present throughout her current relationship with her now fiancé, Dwayne.

Faith’s obsession with destiny is pretty obsessive and preoccupies her mind, even teaching her students the concept, including it in her lessons.

But the thing is…

‘Damon Bradley’ is not a real person.

‘Damon Bradley’ is not a crush or a person that she can even see with her real eyes, that she can yearn for from afar, ‘Damon Bradley’ is an entity, an immaterial placeholder for her “soulmate” — all representing her idealised fantasy projection of true romantic love and connection.

“Grandma told me everyone has a soulmate, this way I’ll know his name, the one I’m supposed to wait for, the one that’ll wait for me.” / “Don’t be stupid Larry! Soulmates are our destiny, they live when we live.”

Faith is using and has been using this psychological entity, to emotionally regulate and meet her unmet needs.

She may have core unmet needs and desires — such as for unconditional love, emotional connection + intimacy, and emotional safety — that may stem from her early life, as we all often do. But because these needs are not, cannot be or have not been met in her real life (which is honestly emotionally painful and traumatic, especially when prolonged), to cope and regulate, she goes inwards and projects these needs and feelings onto her imagined soulmate, ‘Damon Bradley’.

It’s a coping mechanism for emotional loneliness, instability, or lack of emotional intimacy, especially in early life with caregivers, and can be a result of an insecure attachment style. ✦ If Faith had emotionally unavailable or unpredictable caregivers (where emotional connection was inconsistent, had to be earned or was not present at all) or if she felt unseen, misunderstood, and/or overly responsible as a child — whatever the case may be or may have been — the soulmate fantasy develops as a way to survive and cope with these painful experiences, as the imagined soulmate figure represents emotional safety and unconditional love, that she hasn’t received.

This provides relief but also creates a fantasy bond, which is emotionally satisfying, but not at all grounded in reality.

And while all coping mechanisms in childhood derive from a need/strategy to survive, this can become very unhealthy the longer it persists, especially into adulthood, and can turn into obsession, distress and a difficulty in meeting the core need and desire altogether.

So even though Faith is now engaged to Dwayne, she’s clearly not really satisfied in her relationship. Her and her fiancé don’t seem to have that connection she’s always longing for, especially in terms of intimacy and his consideration of her. // and yes, i got this from the two faith + dwayne scenes in the film // As she’s walking around in his mother’s (rather hideous) wedding dress, trying to convince herself that marrying Dwayne is a good idea, she picks up a phone call, from none other than…

Damon Bradley himself.

And it’s really crazy, because the second she gets this call she’s on the literal next flight to Italy. In her wedding dress.

“Come on, Faith, this is insane!”

Faith is so laser-focused on finding and meeting Damon Bradley that everything, and I mean everything, goes out the window. All thought, plans and logic are gone with the wind.

This is due to the literal years of intense longing, fantasising and mental/emotional obsession she’s been doing, and now that she has an actual chance to meet and connect with, or even just see this man, it’s pretty much life and death for her. Her urgency also seems to be made worse by her engagement and looming wedding, literally ten days to, feeling like she needs to connect with her newfound “soulmate” before “she’s tied down forever”, as she states she won’t get a divorce once married.

This projection and obsession though is not really about the other, it’s not about Damon Bradley, it’s about the self, it’s about Faith and her needs, desires and insecurities.

As mentioned, Faith is using this hyper-idealised soulmate entity to regulate her emotions and core beliefs of being/feeling unworthy and undeserving of her needs being met, that may probably stem from an insecure attachment style developed in childhood and/or core negative beliefs about her self-worth. If emotional connection and intimacy from caregivers was either not available at all, or inconsistent, it can result in behaviours of obsession, longing and chasing: love, connection and validation from others, all stemming from core beliefs that love needs to be earned, that it is not freely-given and that she is not inherently worthy of it...

The ideal fantasy (bond) Faith has developed has become a way for her to regulate any painful emotions she may feel with regards to her self and others and we see this as her moods are directly tied to her ability to find Damon Bradley, becoming dysregulated and incredibly distressed when she’s unable to locate him.

“I’m sorry I’m so edgy, I’m afraid we’re losing him.”

We can see this in Faith in two main instances:

The first being when she wants him to notice her.

As she sits in the restaurant they discovered he’s at — after literally going around Italy trying to find his location — Faith wants Damon Bradley to notice her first. ✦ Even though she’s come all the way to Italy to find this man, gone through so much trouble to finally find his location, she still wants HIM to be the one to notice her, to see her, approach her, and pursue her, first.

And this is where we clearly see that her pursuit of Damon Bradley is not about Damon Bradley and connecting with him, but about her and her insecurities.

If Damon Bradley sees her, notices her, approaches her, pursues her, then it confirms her worth to her - that she is indeed worthy of love and the true love and connection she desires, and needs. But when Damon Bradley leaves the restaurant and Faith cannot catch up to him, she becomes so distressed, as this perceived rejection confirms her worst insecurities - that she is indeed unworthy of love and unworthy of Damon Bradley’s attention, affection and connection…

“What happened? Are you okay?”

✦ In her subconscious, if she gets Damon Bradley’s attention, validation and/or affection, it’s like the ultimate proof that she’s worthy. If her ideal soulmate wants her then she’s worthy, right? It’s the ultimate stamp of approval on her self worth.

…

And this is where Peter comes into the picture.

When Peter meets Faith, he’s enamoured.

I mean….

It’s also a very idealistic, fairytale-like meeting they have, literally mirroring Cinderella, where Faith loses her shoe in the Venetian streets and he picks it up it and runs after her. And I’ve just realised Peter even says this:

“Scusi Cinderella”

It’s all very romantic the way he approaches her, puts the shoe back onto her foot, the way he’s kneeling looking up at her all starry eyed and everything,

but throughout all of this, what is Faith doing…?

Faith is still so hyper-focused on Damon Bradley, that she’s ideating all types of (ridiculous) ways to find and meet him again. She can’t even register the rather beautiful man at her feet, who’s completely taken with her, and the rather fantastical romance plot quite literally unfolding in front of her. Even as everything is happening in a very idealistic way, she cannot even see this because she’s so dysregulated and in her head about getting Damon Bradley back.

And she’s actually pretty annoyed and bothered by Peter’s presence, seeing him as a distraction and an obstacle.

Until he says that he’s Damon Bradley, that is.

When Faith believes that Peter is Damon Bradley, she’s all over him. They have this very intense connection and chemistry, and this beautiful date, slow dancing in the quiet and dimly lit Venetian streets with a saxophonist playing the most mellifluous song, that I realised went on until the next morning…..

But the second that Peter confesses that he’s not actually Damon Bradley, she physically throws that man across the room, and goodness, it was so dramatic! 😭

Faith has this immense ‘ick’ response of pure disgust and, like “get away from me”, and to be fair, he’s a liar so, a totally and completely valid reaction - him lying about something as significant as ! his literal name ! signals unsafety, but psychologically…

Now that his name is not Damon Bradley, she doesn’t want him anymore. Which is interesting because she had absolutely no problem with the same guy when she believed that his name was Damon Bradley. So what changed?

✦ When Faith believed Peter was Damon Bradley, she was projecting her romantic ideal onto him, as she’s been doing in her head her whole life. She feels like her dream is real, she finally has it.

There is a powerful emotional attachment created the moment he says he is ‘Damon Bradley’.

But when Peter reveals the truth, the illusion breaks.

The moment Faith is no longer interacting with her fantasy bond, as she’d initially thought, Peter no longer matches the projection. Her fantasy collapses and she faces an internal betrayal, yes by Peter lying to her, but her intense emotional reaction comes from the betrayal of reality itself - that yet again she doesn’t have Damon Bradley.

and also, who the hell is this man…??

Because she’s known Peter for what, a few minutes to a few hours at most, her reaction mainly comes from the shattering of the role she perceived Peter was in, her long-held soulmate fantasy.

Faith was not really interacting with Peter, but her fantasy, so when that’s broken, she disengages.

“Last night was an illusion, you weren’t who you said you were so, I wasn’t who I thought I was so, neither of us were there, it wasn’t real, it didn’t happen.”

P: “What about last night? / F: “What about, you’re a liar.” / P: “What about “I was born to kiss you” (yeah, she really said that to him 😭 </3)

This film takes place over like, three days, so everything goes unhealthily fast. But that aside, we can also see how Faith’s unhealthy obsession with ‘Damon Bradley’ affects her affinity towards real relationships.

Faith is currently engaged to a man that is emotionally unfulfilling to her.

Her relationship with Dwayne doesn’t provide the emotional depth, connection, and resonance that she longs for and has longed for her whole life.

The cycle repeats, her emotional needs are unmet, as they were / might’ve been in early life. 

Whatever the reasons for Faith and Dwayne’s relationship, over time the emotional unfullfilment she feels with him becomes unbearable, which only increases her obsession with ‘Damon Bradley’, as ‘Damon Bradley’ represents the ‘missing piece’ that Dwayne will never give her, the ‘soulmate’ that Dwayne will never be for her.

She continues to use ‘Damon Bradley’ to escape, regulate and cope with her real life, her real feelings and her unmet needs.

A: “What do you think Faith?” F: “The most important thing is true love.”

When Peter enters the picture, offering the illusion of her fantasy bond in reality, she takes it, as her long-standing inner world and physical reality seem to finally align.

She’s hopeful, she’s longing, her soulmate is here. 

But the second Peter reveals who he really is, she rejects him and disengages, again becoming emotionally dysregulated at the fact that her emotional ideal, ‘Damon Bradley’, is unreal and unattainable in reality.

The thing is though, manipulation and major ! red flags aside, Peter seems to be her ideal, in reality..

Peter actually wants Faith and matches/aligns with her fantasy bond — the emotional fulfilment and intensity she’s longed for. Faith’s fantasy bond is intense, full of obsession and deep desire, Peter gives her that, wants to give her this, their chemistry is intense and passionate, and he’s enamoured… and obsessed.

Whether this healthy or not is another story...

But Faith doesn’t want Peter.

Of course Faith is engaged and conflicted between the obligation and stability of marrying Dwayne vs. the suppressed longing, passion and desire that Peter triggers within her, but when Peter presents her with another (manipulative and plain lie of an) opportunity to meet “the real” Damon Bradley, she takes him up on this offer, showing us that she’s is still looking for Damon Bradley. Her rejection of Peter is not all about her engagement to Dwayne, and throughout their time together, Faith continues to suppress her true feelings for Peter.

She says she doesn’t want him.

She doesn’t want Peter, because he’s real.

Peter is a real human being, yes he mirrors her fantasy ideal but he’s not just a fantasy projection - he’s a real human with human-traits : flaws, imperfections, boundaries (or maybe not lol) and engaging with him comes with the realities of human connection : change, vulnerability, uncertainty, and the discomfort that comes with all of this.

Just by existing, Peter will literally never ever live up to her fantasy bond with Damon Bradley, and no one ever will.

Anyone who’s experienced this — limerence, insecure attachment, fantasy bonds and projections with fictional characters, celebrities, crushes etc. — may feel that because their internal fantasy is so strong and idealised, that real relationships and the reality of them can be consciously or unconsciously avoided and even unwanted, because they will never ever be able to match the ever-perfect internal fantasy ideal, leading to disillusionment and dissatisfaction with/in real relationships.

So even though Peter represents a lot of what Faith has always been looking and yearning for — and he actively wants her, expresses this clearly, and manipulatively, and pursues her, she has resistance to him.

Now, again, is their dynamic healthy….. no, but with this, Faith is now left with one question:

✦ does she want love as it exists in fantasy, or love as it exists in reality?

Especially when you have an insecure attachment style, have been emotionally hurt in the past etc., fantasy is easy. And it’s there to protect you in the first place.

You can’t be hurt in a fantasy bond. You can’t be abandoned, rejected, left or hurt because, everything is tailored to emotionally regulate you. There is no conflict, no effort, no time, no vulnerability; all relationships will have conflict, even if it’s healthy conflict and all healthy relationships require effort and time and vulnerability…

The fantasy is full of unrealistic expectations, and it’s all self-focused and emotionally-focused on how the ideal person makes you feel and what that that says about your self worth. You don’t have to put in any effort to attain it or to maintain it, you don’t have to be vulnerable and open to the possibility that the other may hurt you or leave you, willingly or not.

…

So, again (literally for the third time 😭), I am not saying that Faith’s relationship with Peter is healthy love because it is not… at all… there’s so much manipulation from him and they connect way too fast and hard knowing each other for only two/three days.

what happened to, “hello”, “how are you”, “i like you”? why did they have to say “i love you” so soon….

But what I am saying is that Peter is real, and Damon Bradley is not.

Her fantasy bond with Damon Bradley is an escape, built on perfection and ideals, but real love and connection, like with Peter, is rooted in reality.

and isn’t that better…?

Real connection accepts that people are flawed, that relationships require some effort and time, but you choose it anyway because it’s real and true, and that’s ultimately fulfilling.

The fantasy bond, developed as a coping mechanism and an escape, and in adulthood, is present to avoid emotional discomfort and the *feeling* required for emotional growth and maturity. With Faith, it’s the discomfort of vulnerability, the discomfort of ending her relationship with Dwayne and the discomfort of accepting her true feelings, needs and desires, due to her core beliefs.

F: “I don’t know you. P: “Well, get to know me.”

After the whole drama… *where Peter basically hired someone to act as “the real” Damon Bradley and it was a whole mess…* Faith decides to call off her wedding to Dwayne and then meets the/a real Damon Bradley at the airport on her flight home. He essentially acts as a guardian angel and voice of reason helping Faith confront her true feelings for Peter.

In the end Faith ended her engagement to Dwayne as she realised he was not the true love and soulmate she was looking for, and I wonder, if she hadn’t met Damon Bradley at the airport, would she have still been looking for him, still regulating through fantasy?

Faith’s encounter with a/the real Damon Bradley allowed her to see this clearly - what she thought she wanted and needed vs. what she probably actually needed and had already found with Peter. Faith’s choice to choose Peter, to choose reality, shows her emotional growth as she allowed herself to experience the passion and romance she’d always desired, no longer just in fantasy, but in reality.

And whether this continued on with Peter or with someone else, I hope that Faith continued to choose reality over fantasy and found her destiny. <3

…

So those were some of my thoughts on the film ‘Only You’ (1994), in relation to fantasy attachment and limerence.

✦ ⊹˳ ⋆ ₊˚

thank you so much for reading <3 ! if you’ve read this far… thanksss :') <33

let me know if you have any thoughts / feelings, and if you’ve ever watched this film before, i’d love to hear them.

sending you my best,

gloria <3

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⋆ media from Only You (1994) © TriStar Pictures / Sony Pictures Entertainment

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