#fandom warfare

No one in this fight is coming to the table with a genuine interest in understanding the other person’s point of view - not even you! I get it, of course I do - it’s so tempting to keep laying out your points, meticulously explaining all the reasons why you’re right, because how can anyone not get it? How can they not see, when you’ve explained it all so clearly? But you know it doesn’t work, because the people you’re yelling at believe the exact same thing. They think their points are the most logical, the most intelligent, and they can’t understand why you can’t see how wrong you are. Could anyone argue you out of your point of view? Has your perspective ever been materially altered after someone reblogged your post with an agitated argument disparaging every point you made? No, obviously not, so assume it will be the same the other way around. Fandom warfare does not change hearts and minds.

2. You are not protecting anyone.

I’ve seen this argument a few times - it’s not about changing minds, it’s about standing up for what’s right! It’s about showing that these ignorant opinions will not go unchallenged! And again, I do understand the instinct. After all, don’t we say that every time you don’t speak out against bigotry, you’re implicitly siding with it?

The problem is, nine times out of ten these arguments aren’t actually being directed at anyone. I mean, let’s face it, we are talking about fictional characters here. There’s no one real to actually defend. Be really honest with yourself - are there any real, live people who you can point to and say, yes, my fandom fight actually improved their life in some material way? And no, defending them in an argument they actively chose to participate in doesn’t count. Yes, sometimes people on the other side of the issue say things which could be triggering or unpleasant for someone reading them, but is yelling at them going to help the triggered person any more than simply blocking them? Probably not.

3. It’s not actually inherently wrong for someone to disagree with you.

You’re not going to like this one… but yeah. It’s actually really problematic to yell at people for the simple crime of holding an opposing opinion to yours. Let’s be clear here - I’m not talking about people deliberately harassing or bullying you - but someone who just made a post on their personal blog canvassing opinions you don’t like, no matter how ignorant or unpleasant you find them, isn’t inherently bad.

I can hear you now, saying to me - it’s not the fact that they have the opinion, it’s the fact that they won’t tolerate anyone else disagreeing with them! But… isn’t that kind of what you’re doing? You want them to accept your disagreement, but you won’t accept theirs. Lead by example, even when it’s hard. The block button is your friend.

4. Every time you engage, you publicise the very point of view with which you disagree.

Think about it - if someone relatively neutral reads the long reblog chain, them versus you, their terrible opinion and your beautifully crafted rebuttal, their ignorant response, your increasingly agitated push-back, them calling your a slur and/or accusing you of supporting bigotry, your series of scornful gifs expressing how wrong they are… Well, it seems obvious to you, but is that neutral person definitely going to be on your side? You think they should be, but there are plenty of people who aren’t. 

All you’ve really done is circulate both sides of the fight to a wider audience. The post that would have died a pathetic death with three notes is now a hotbed of activity with notes in the triple-digits and a bunch of smaller fights going on in the comments.

5. Starving a fight of oxygen is actually the only way to kill it.

If you’ve got this far, you’re probably wondering - does she know how bad it is out there? We’re not just talking about a bunch of people yelling about shit that doesn’t matter. Some of these people go to extremes. There’s doxxing, harassment of actors and fans alike, truly evil commentary that hurts real people. Doesn’t she get that?

I do. I do get it, and I don’t like it either, and to be clear, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t take action over specific harassing behaviours. But this is where you need to think really carefully about what your actual goal is here.

What do we want here? Do we want everyone to agree with us? It’s never going to happen, see point 1. So what’s the next best thing? Probably for the fighting and harassment and nastiness to stop, right? Like, okay, have your gross ignorant opinions, but just shut up about them. Leave me out of the whole thing.

And there’s really only one way to make that happen, which is to stop adding fuel to the fire - and just. Stop. Engaging. There is a LOT of evidence to show that this works. The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker has some really great chapters on it, if you want to read about how silence can literally stop stalkers in their tracks. 

Not convinced? Here’s a personal anecdote: a few years ago, back when I used to post a lot more about my personal life, I started getting nasty anons in my inbox. They called me horrible names, asked me really unpleasant and invasive questions, and at one point managed to extrapolate enough information from my previous posts to pretend to be my abusive ex, which was absolutely vile and really hurtful.

What did I do? At first, I published the anons with scathing responses. I got lots of very supportive comments and messages from my friends online, which was both comforting and validating. People expressed disgust and repulsion that anyone could be so unpleasant. 

The problem was, the messages kept coming - and in spite of the support I was getting elsewhere, they were really upsetting me. I wanted it to stop. So I changed my approach. I turned off anonymous messaging. I stopped publishing any nasty messages, deleting them immediately from my inbox. I went back and deleted the previous ones I had published. I stopped talking about it at all, so that anyone messaging me found their comments disappearing into a void, uncertain whether or not I had even received them.

What happened? The messages tapered off. Turns out, it’s not much fun sending hate to someone who acts like they didn’t even see it. I’ve now been able to turn anonymous messaging back on, and I haven’t had a repeat, even though the person harassing me is presumably still out there.

I’m just saying - it works. If we want the hate to stop, if we want the fighting to be over - we have to stop engaging with it. Let them yell in their hateful corner of the internet. We don’t have to listen.

6. It’s actually really bad for your mental health.

Well, sure, you might be thinking - it’s not that I disagree with any of this, it’s just that I enjoy the debate! I like winding up the haters, setting them off and watching them yell until they’re blue in the face! It’s hilarious!

First of all, it’s not actually that funny for the people who have to bear witness to it, but more of that in a moment. It’s actually really bad for your health and wellbeing to consistently engage in warfare. You may think it’s not affecting you, but can you really think it’s good for you? You’re dwelling in anger and hatred, even if you’re not the person perpetuating those emotions. You know it’s not good for you. You deserve better than that!

7. It’s seriously off-putting for other people in the fandom who just want to have a good time.

This whole post has come about because I’ve had to unfollow six or seven people this week due to the level of argumentative posts they’ve been blogging and reblogging for months. I have tried really hard not to mind, because fun fact! I like these people! Many of them are people I have chatted to in smaller social contexts and really enjoyed talking to. They post content I enjoy, and - crucially - I actually agree with most of their opinions. I held off on unfollowing them for a really long time.

But I can’t take it any more. I don’t come to tumblr to witness other people arguing. It’s depressing and it makes me feel like shit, even when the people reblogging the posts are people I like and agree with. It makes me feel like this fun thing that we’ve all got in common, these characters we love, these stories we craft together, has turned into something we have to argue about all the time, and it’s absolutely exhausting.

I’m willing to bet I’m not the only person in fandom who feels this way. And think about it - do you really want to lose followers over fandom warfare? Wouldn’t you rather block the people who disagree with you than find yourself blocked by people who actually like and agree with you and who you could have spent time engaging positively with?

8. Fandom is supposed to be fun - and what goes around truly does come around.

It’s hard, and I totally, totally get the instinct to want to defend your point of view. It’s really unfair to hear people detract the things you love, to call you names just because you enjoy a certain thing, and to say nothing about it. 

But fandom, at its core, is supposed to be something you enjoy. It’s supposed to be fun. You can curate your experience. You can cultivate a space where everyone is kind to each other, where the angry ignorant people who don’t want to let you enjoy things are left out in the cold without any attention paid to them. 

How do you do it? The block button, as I’ve mentioned, is your friend. You can block certain tags. You can unfollow people who consistently spew opinions you find hateful. You can delete nasty messages without publishing them. You can agree that you’re not going to waste time bitching in an echo chamber about these people, that you’re not going to give them the privilege of your attention. You can engage positively with fandom and with the people who you actually like within it.