so I was off from work, monday and tuesday. my mom decides to wake me, without notice, and forced me to run errands with her on both days.

on monday, we walked to main street for my sight tests. afterwards, she buys several pounds of fruits and tells me to carry them home. see, the thing is, the tires on our car were popped and the car wouldn’t be ready until tuesday. my examinations required my eyes to be medicated pre-testing so with my sight distorted, I nearly got hit by a car… but we could’ve waited an extra day and safely driven ourselves home instead of having “me”, carry a load of unnecessaries home.

then tuesday, I told my mom that I wanted to take the bus because there was work the next day which meant being on my feet nonstop. she waits a minute for the bus and claimed it was taking too long, then started walking. I followed behind. somehow a friend of hers spotted us and drove us to main. when we got to main, she gently complained with a “wouldn’t it have been nicer if he drove us all the way there?” and I said “shush, be grateful”

we made our way to the bus stop again, and yet again, the bus failed to arrive before my mother announced she was “sick of waiting”. she started walking towards the repair shop and as we walked, I got a headache, as I tend to do. she tried to speak with me on negative matters such as how the dog passing us was “disgusting and rotten”.

pls shut it. I can’t deal with those who speak only to speak, to hear their own voice, and to make it worse, to speak so negatively on things because they emotions are soured.

after we got to the repairs, my mother commented on how the waiting room lacked refreshments and snacks… when there were. but apparently not enough to satisfy her. then when we got into our car to drive home, the man at the repairs kindly gave us a coupon for a free car wash, to which my mother saw as an insult, “as if our car isn’t clean”. we get our car cleaned, and she says “it looks like they didn’t do anything, they did a shitty job”

I want to be important, not some person who can be replaced or lost in a crowd. I want to be the reason the crowd has gathered. I want to be loved and to love.. but to have those you love hold you from where you want to go, it's hard to stop yourself from hating those who chain you. especially those who chain you and act so entitled, acting as if you owe them your life. I mean, I know my parents were the ones that gave me life but what is life if it lived out in chains. lived out with no regards for the wants and needs of oneself. to have never lived would be better than a life of servitude.

simply put. I hate it when parents believe you owe them for the life they've given you. they expect you to repay them during your lifetime and as the years pass, you owe them more and more. it's an impossible thing to repay them for your life. at the same time, you never asked for life, it was them that chose to do the deed and create you. it is their debt, it is them that owes you for the life they have forced upon you. they should live their lives to raise you well and protect you, to provide for the life that they have made. it all seems so complex. all so negative and one-sided, with one owing the other instead of seeing two living things equally loving and held in-debt by their own emotional sentiment.

I have been washing piles and piles of dishes, 3 days in a row. just now, whilst eating my dinner, my mother rushed over to yell at me and called me "trash" for not having cleaned the dishes. (there's more but my head and heart are to heavy to go over them in-detail, or at all, for that matter)

this is exactly why I get depressed and fall out of my volunteering, sports, hobbies, and lose my motivation and confidence.