The past few months have felt like my feet have been dangling
Off the edge of a chair like a little kid trying to find the floor
With the tip of my toes, trying to grasp something just out of reach.
I’ve been blowing out the candles on other peoples birthday cakes,
Wishing to be anyone other than who I actually am.
I’m walking miles in another persons shoes
Gaining nothing but blisters on the back of my ankles.
Playing dress up in all of my sisters clothes,
Wishing to appear more put together than I actually am.
I apply my lipstick like a masquerade mask,
Insisting no one can see the pain if I paint on a smile.
I’ve considered getting contacts so I can see the world
From a better point of view.
i’ve been sketching myself into false realities
As a distraction from the one I’m living in.
I started driving home without my seatbelt on,
Started crying to songs I once danced to.
Wishing on street lights,
Tossing all my change into fountains
And holding my breath across every bridge.
I changed all my clocks to 11:11 and convinced myself
That if I wished hard enough I could fix all of my problems
Without getting my hands dirty and my heart messy.
When people ask me how I am I wonder if they realize
They are speaking to a hollowed out shell of a girl they once knew.
That there is nothing left of what used to be.
