#fallie

the three of us hiked up stone mountain in the dark and watched the first sunrise of the new year together

this year was extra windy. the granite was dry, the fitting secure. i saw one parent, fighting the wind, holding their toddler down on the ground by their shoulders while another parent tried to put an extra coat on them before the toddler or the coat blew off the mountain

fallie brought out the hand-knit shark hat that i bought him the first year we dawn hiked together. he didn't have a hat then because we live in a subtropical climate and also he was a teenage boy

there was a person in camouflage coveralls and a purple times-square-planet-fitness twenty twenty-four top hat who seemed like they might be in charge of everything

the drummers this year were little kids doing a recital. they accompanied a dancer in white robes

there was no obvious cult presence like previous years, not even the new year's regime exercise cultists

in the last month, the three of us have been in the middle of a lot of intense change, some good, but also some actual upheaval, and an ongoing hold-your-breath-slow-motion family emergency. we are all fine; it has been difficult to find extra words.

i know some of it will be good, and some of it will be bad (and some of it may be very bad) but i'm here to see what happens next

finn's art is off the walls. fallie has moved some boxes to the new house. everyone was quiet and thinking about finishing packing and making the big move

i got to be within walking distance of both my kids for a couple of years, after my ex spent a decade taking us away from each other, and even with the struggles that came from elsewhere, it was such a great period in my life

they aren't moving that far away, but it's far enough that we won't be able to see each other in the easy casual way that we have been. i'm so very proud of what they have accomplished, and excited for them and their new adventures, but i'm mourning the loss of what we had

right now, i'm not sure where i will be next year. what distance that might add. over the years so many people in my life have drifted away. i'm worried about that happening to us. even though i know it's not true, i'm full of the feeling that i'm losing them again, and it hurts in a way i can't shake